Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[Corryn]

I don't know what to do....
I have been waiting to attend MNSSHP for three years. We went in 2003 and I can't wait to get back.
My FIL and his wife own a condo on the west coast. They have been saying for the past two years we are more than welcome to utilize it. So the day SW came out with their fall schedule, I called him up and asked to use his place. He said, sure!
I booked the airfare and we were very excited, figuring what costumes to wear at the party, etc. My SIL and her family are also coming down, but they're staying with my BIL BF who works at Disney Hong Kong (he's coming back to visit with BIL & SIL. He owns DVC at Saratoga Springs and that's where SIL & BIL are staying).

Anyway, the next night we went over to my FIL's house to barbeque and he proclaims, I just booked our flight today, we're gonna have a great time!
I looked at him and then looked at my husband. of course, we weren't going to discuss it in front of my FIL and his wife, because that would have been rude.
But how rude is it to invite yourself on your children's vacation?

I understand it is his condo, but I feel we were trapped. He Never mentioned coming down while we were there. Never. I wouldn't have asked him to use his condo if I knew he was planning on being there!
But now, not only is he going to be there on the West Coast, he Invited Himself to MNSSHP!!! He even booked his Vistana timeshare for that week so he can be with us the whole time!!!!!
I am a loyal DIS'er and huge Disney fan. I relish my vacations and daily check the DIS boards for any new information or just to chat and like you, I cannot wait for my next Disney Vacation.
But things have gotten too heavy over here, and I have just informed my husband that if he does not straighten things out with my FIL, I am going to cancel my vacation.
That's right, I'm gonna CANCEL IT!!! Call me crazy, tell me I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but this man invited himself on our vacation!!

My husband is saying that he feels bad telling his dad that he doesn't appreciate the self-invite. I say his father is making me feel bad and stressed out by inviting himself. I enjoy going to his home for bbq's or just for dinner or holidays, and I don't mind inviting him over for the same, but we see each other often enough that I feel safe in saying I don't need him tagging along on our vacation!
Don't feel bad for this guy. He is always pushing his way on everyone. He is retired and has a large circle of friends. He's always doing something so it's not like he's lonely. He is always inviting himself over to my SIL's house, and he is very pushy, especially if he wants something.
Yet, no one is allowed to express their displeasure. He gets upset if someone confronts him over something he does.

I work during the day and I attend college at night. I just finished a very intense summer course in chemistry. I start my next class at the end of the month. I have been looking forward to my vacation. I feel I definitely deserve it.
This coming May, my family, my SIL and my MIL are going on DCL Magic. I am not sure if my FIL knows this, but I have a feeling he does and he's jealous that we are going with my MIL and that we did not invite him. I'm thinking this is his reason for inviting himself.
Listen, I really can't tolerate being with this guy for my whole vacation. I feel so strongly about this that I want to cancel it.

Okay DIS'ers, I need your advice,
What would you do?????

 

[AnninIowa]

Is there something about your FIL that you don't like? Is he rude, inappropriate, mean? I think he took your asking about using the house as an inclusion of him attending, too. He is probably thinking how nice it was for you to include him in your vacation. It is HIS house; he can go when you are there and go to the events you are going to with or without your permission. If it's that big of an issue, book a hotel room; otherwise, let it go and don't spoil everyone's vacation and create life-long hurt feelings.

 

[Mickey&Donald]

Is there something about your FIL that you don't like? Is he rude, inappropriate, mean? I think he took your asking about using the house as an inclusion of him attending, too. He is probably thinking how nice it was for you to include him in your vacation. It is HIS house; he can go when you are there and go to the events you are going to with or without your permission. If it's that big of an issue, book a hotel room; otherwise, let it go and don't spoil everyone's vacation and create life-long hurt feelings.

I agree. Unless there is something completely repugnant about the man, I think you are totally overreacting. He is being nice enough to allow you to stay in his condo (I assume free of charge), what is the harm in his coming to MNSSHP with you and your husband?

If you feel that strongly about it, book a hotel room like the rest of us. End of story.

 

[Corryn]

We were planning on staying there for four days and then going to a timeshare (not FIL's) for another five days. Believe me, there was no hint of, hey,you're welcome to join us, at all. My FIL is a very selfish man. (So is my father. ) My grandfather raised me, so I cannot even begin to equate my FIL with my selfless grandfather. I feel badly that my children won't have that same special bond with their grandfather.

We live about three miles from my FIL. We have never asked him for a single penny, even when my kids were in diapers and we ate macaroni every night for dinner. I can count on one hand the number of times he has babysat for my girls. (now they're 12 & 13) When he wants to visit with my kids, he drops over for an hour. Sometimes he'll take them to a movie and Burger King. The last time we asked him to babysit he told us to be back by 10:00. We were at a Journey concert! We left after the first song.

Everything revolves around his friends. If his friends are busy doing something else, then he has time for his family.

My husband is a muscular guy and helps his father whenever he needs him. When we had our house remodeled and my husband needed his help for stuff you can't do alone, my FIL made himself scarce and didn't even call my husband up to say, hey, son, you need a hand? Meanwhile, the man was retired.

Yet, when my husband had reconstructive surgery on his knee and was on Vicodin (spelling?) he insisted that my husband come over to his house to help him take the shed down. My husband told him, I can't dad, I have to sit down and I can't move my knee, my FIL said, that's okay, I'll hand you the metal pieces and you can take out the screws.

I still berate my husband for giving in on that one.
The relationship is very one-sided and I am sick of it. Now my FIL invites himself on my vacation? When will it end? There have been bad feelings all along, but as his kids, they're not allowed to express them and make dad feel bad. So bad feelings? They're already there.....

 

[2nd childhood]

Gosh, what a sticky situation. I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. I know all the planning and tweaking that goes into trying to plan the perfect Disney vacation. I can't even imagine how you must feel.

Maybe you can just tell your FIL that you would rather book a hotel or condo (tell him you got a great deal and that way he can have more room at his house and come and go as he pleases and you guys can do the same). It may mean more money, but it could save your vacation and you sanity after your tough semester as well as your and your husband’s future relationship with this man. If he tries to invite himself to join you at dinner just tell him your ADR's are all set and everything is full so it can not be changed. Maybe join him for a CS once or twice and then go on with about your itinerary. At least you can still go and WDW is pretty big so he's bound to find other things to do. Tell him about the Adventures scene, golf and the like.



I hope it all works out for you and you don't cancel your plans.

 

[BlindTyldak]

Here's a question, do you HAVE to stay at his timeshare? Could you say that you had planned this family vacation for your immediate family only and were counting on it being JUST you, and if he has a problem with it, just stay elsewhere?

I know exactly where you are coming from, my family paid for our last trip to disney (a magical gathering) and as such acted as if they were entitled to invite themselves on our future trips as well, like they were ALL going to be family reunions. I had to put the kabosh on that quick.

 

[Lizziejane]

I know it's a disappointment - you had thought you had your vacation planned out, now there are "complications". I can appreciate your frustration, but (don't you hate it when people say "but..."?!) it's not really fair to ask your husband to uninvite his father. That puts your husband in a terrible situation, and it's not his fault.

Like another poster has already suggested, you could book a hotel room instead. You could let him know that after listing all the things you want to get done on this trip, it just makes sense to stay on-site, closer to the parks. Who knows - if your plans are REALLY busy, he might decide himself to back out completely, or at least spend a lot of time touring with his wife.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I don't think there's an easy way out of this one without a major upset. Try to find the least damaging compromise. A full all-out war (which is what may happen if your husband has to confront his father) can last much longer than a couple of days in WDW. Is it really worth it?

 

[Annam26]

Is there something about your FIL that you don't like? Is he rude, inappropriate, mean? I think he took your asking about using the house as an inclusion of him attending, too. He is probably thinking how nice it was for you to include him in your vacation. It is HIS house; he can go when you are there and go to the events you are going to with or without your permission. If it's that big of an issue, book a hotel room; otherwise, let it go and don't spoil everyone's vacation and create life-long hurt feelings.

ICAM. I didn't read anything so awful regarding his behavior that going on vacation with him would be unbearable.

It looks like it will hurt your husband terribly to have to tell your FIL that he is not welcome in your vacation. It's his dad after all! Having such a hurtful conversation with his father may break his heart and haunt him forever later on

Could you let it go this time and later plan another vacation and not tell your FIL?

 

[mking624]

I'm going to have to agree with the others and say that if this is bothering you so much, book a hotel room. And I also agree that having your husband do the "dirty work" puts him in a bad situation against his own and that's just not fair to him (I also have some thoughts about the fact you keep "berating" him about a incident in the past that can't be changed...but that's another soapbox). If it's something that bothers you, then maybe you should be the one to talk to your FIL about it. Maybe let him know that you were kind of hoping for a get away for just you and your family. By the way, whether or not he has a large circle of friends and always has things to do doesn't mean he isn't lonely.

But honestly, nothing you've said here is something which I would understand why there's so much bitterness towards him. You complained about how little time he spent with his grandchildren...so why not give him the opportunity to do it now? Put yourself in your kids shoes...and try to help them create memories with their grandfather instead of only seeing the negative about this.

 

[Corryn]

Ay yai yai.....I do understand what you are all saying, I really do. I've been tossing this around in my head for about two months now.

I appreciate your responses, even if I don't initially agree with them. I don't like being the bad guy and I don't like making my husband angry over something out of his control. I'm just sick of being taken advantage of, especially when we're spending thousands of dollars. I think that's what is pushing me to craziness - all the money and not being able to spend my precious time the way I want.

Also, If I explained the reason for my (and even my SIL, the man's own daughter) feelings as to why we don't want to vacation with this man, this post would be long. I'm trying to be as brief as possible.

BTW, we are staying and paying for our own timeshare for the week.

I even put down a couple hundred dollars, non-refundable to keep our reservation.
I just figured, since he was always offering, that we could spend an extra few days at his place on the west coast.
I am not counting on his paying for anything on the trip. Like I said before, we've never asked him for a penny. That's why I should have known there were strings attached when he offered us the use of his condo. Never Never again............I'm learning my lesson, nothing's for free.

Thanks for your responses

 

[lorrainesy]

But how rude is it to invite yourself on your children's vacation?

How rude is it to ask to use someone's condo and then tell them you don't want to be around them?

I have just informed my husband that if he does not straighten things out with my FIL, I am going to cancel my vacation. That's right, I'm gonna CANCEL IT!!!

If YOU are going to cancel YOUR vacation why is it your husband that has the aweful job of breaking his father's heart?

Call me crazy, tell me I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but this man invited himself on our vacation!!

I wouldn't call you crazy ....just childish


I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is just nuts. Your daughters are lucky enough to have a grandfather who wants to go to Disney with them and your having a tantrum because he would rather be with his family then with his large group of friends


Honestly if you are that upset about it maybe you should cancel YOUR trip but why ruin it for the rest of the family? let your husband and kids go to Disney with your FIL.

Now I love WDW as much as the next diser but I would never cause a family rift just for MNSSHP

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I understand where you're coming from. But at the same time, unless your dh agreed with your feelings, I wouldn't push him to break his dad's heart. You don't have a clue how excited he may be about this trip. Maybe he's really looking forward to being with his grandkids. You could always make sure you take breaks during the day. Tell him you'll meet up before dinner for some rides, and do dinner together. You can't feel taken advantage of, because he's letting you use the condo. And besides, if you feel he always takes advantage of you guys, you've allowed him to do it. It's a behavior you teach. I'm sure you can work something out. He will be at a different hotel. So you could go back to your place for afternoon breaks and a swim, without him. There are ways to work it out. Keep trying. A family feud isn't worth it, and cancelling your husband and daughter's trip because YOU are upset about him being there isn't fair to them at all...

 

[Groovee]

If I were you I'd stay at home and the join them when you move on! As much as I find my inlaws unbearable at times they are still my children's family and I make a huge effort to ensure they have a relationship. I would stay at home and have a few days to myself and then travel on.

 

[conny264]

Hi Corryn
i totalyy understand you.Asking if it´s ok to use his condo for a couple of days doesn´t mean he was invited to come along.
If you don´t say anything there might be a high probability it will mess up your vacation.I was in the same situation some time ago and didn´t say something.h
The vacation was wasted,could have burned the money.
If I were you I gather up all my courage and talk to him in private,tell him its a family vacation and that you could arrange a vacation together another time.But do it yourself and leave your husband out of it.If he is mad,get a Hotel and don´t use his place.He will get over it eventually.

Greetings from Germany
Conny

 

[Quinn222]

I agree with what others have said. Book a room elsewhere and tell him, "So sorry, we didn't know you had a vacation planned at the same time we did, so we've booked elsewhere. Maybe we'll run into each other there but we have a lot of things planned for the immediate family so if not, we'll see you when we get back."

 

[flortlebap]

I would look at it like this.

IMO, you can always have a good time in Disney, no matter who you're with. There's at least one person going on our trip next time who I would frankly rather have stayed at home, but it doesn't bother me that much, we can seperate and do our own touring plans if they start to bug me.

Personally I think you'll enjoy it no matter what, it's a bit annoying that he's invited himself along but please don't let him ruin your trip!

 

[DebIreland]

Oh wow, I sympathise. I really do. I must admit I don't really understand some of the other responses saying if he's a nice man what's the harm in him tagging along, I don't think that's the point at all. The OP's holiday is important to her (we can all relate to that! My upcoming holiday means so much to me.). Surely it's up to her and her DH whether they want to share that precious holiday with someone else or not?

There's a different dynamic totally when you go on holiday with just your own immediate family or with extended family or friends. Even if he's the nicest man in the world, perhaps the OP wants some bonding time with her DH and children or just some time during the trip to go off by herself for space. Corryn, it sounds like you need the break (again, I can relate) and often it's a lot of hard work being around in-laws or extended family. If you're like me, then you can't fully let go or chill out, you feel you can't just get a big 'ol ice cream and sit for 2 hours on your balcony staring into space, you can't just decide on a whim to have a glass of wine or go for a swim or decide at the last minute to take the kids to an EMH night. Everything now will be about compromise and figuring out what FIL wants and trying to please all parties. There's a place for that type of trip too but that's not what you need now.

I don't have a solution really Corryn, just sympathy. Perhaps the direct approach is best, call him up and tell him that with your recent work/school schedule, you're burnt out and feel the family could really benefit from time together to re-group. Tell him you just really *need* this time for yourself and DH and the children. Perhaps tell him you'll all still meet for MNSSHP but say 'I hope you understand we need to do our own thing for the rest of the trip'. I know that's so simple in theory and tough in practice.

If nothing else, I think you will have to get alternative accommodation for the first few nights, for your own piece of mind. If money is an issue (isn't it always!! lol) perhaps try Priceline for somewhere clean but basic.

Good luck to you Corryn. I know it's a tough situation.

 

[Leigha]

I think I'd get my own hotel room and agree to meet them for dinner one night during your stay. Say you didn't realize he was going then or you never would have imposed on him because you wouldn't want him to be crowded in his own condo. Make your arrangements before you call though so everything's in place. You really can't expect him not to go - it is his condo. You can still have fun!

 

[lexmelinda]

Your FIL sounds a lot like my FIL. If I were in your shoes and I booked a hotel room, that would be as much a slap in the face to my FIL as not going at all. I think if I were you I would send my husband and girls if they want to go and tell your FIL that "something suddenly came up" at home and you are unable to go. I would love to have my house to myself for a week. Don't get me wrong, I love my inlaws but there's no way I would spend an entire week in the same condo with them. Good luck!

 

[Lynne M]

Sorry, but when you ask to stay in someone's vacation home (for free or otherwise), you don't get to tell them that they're not welcome there. If anyone ever did that to me, you can bet they'd never be setting foot in my condo again.

If your husband approaches him and tells him that you don't want him to be at HIS place while you're there, he may well just turn around and say that none of you can stay at the condo. Not to mention the damage that may be done to your husband's relationship with his dad. It doesn't matter how sick of your FIL you may be, that's a rotten position to put your husband in. Is one vacation really worth causing pain in the family? This guy may be annoying as all get out, but he's your husband's father, and your children's grandfather. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up for the sake of your own family.

As I see it, you have three choices here. You can stay home and let the rest of the family go and enjoy the vacation, or you can get a hotel room for your family. Or you can go and just deal with the in-law issues.