Help! Bridesmaid dropped out of Wedding!

[puffkin]

Last night, one of my bridesmaids called and said that she had to drop out of my wedding. If you look at my countdown, we are only 2 1/2 months away! Apparently, she was asked to be in her fiance's brothers wedding, which happened to be the same day as mine. The part that really makes me mad is that I had asked her almost two years ago and the other couple only just got engaged in December. Apparently, my friend got the dates confused. If she would have told me sooner, I would still be a little upset, but I would understand. But, come on, this is two months before my wedding and I didn't do anything wrong!

Now, what would you all suggest I do? Do I ask someone else and explain the situation? I don't even know if I can get another dress in time. It puts the person I ask into a very awkward position. Or do I just let it go? Then I feel bad for my brother, who would have been her partner. That puts him into an awkward position because then he is the odd man out. This really is so unfair, because I didn't do anything wrong, and yet I am the one being punished.

 

[cinmell]

I'm sorry that happened to you, especially so close to your wedding. If it were me, I wouldn't ask anyone else to be in the wedding in place of her. They might feel like they are just a fill in and they may not be able to get a dress in time. As for your brother, I've seen 2 ushers escort one bridesmaid (an user on each arm )several times. Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can you find someone to kind of fit into her dress and then have it altered? I would expect you to pay for that. That is what I would try to do first before giving up.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by cinmell
I'm sorry that happened to you, especially so close to your wedding. If it were me, I wouldn't ask anyone else to be in the wedding in place of her. They might feel like they are just a fill in and they may not be able to get a dress in time. As for your brother, I've seen 2 ushers escort one bridesmaid (an user on each arm )several times. Good luck!

ditto ditto ditto

do NOT put yourself through the extra aggravation of finding someone else at this 11th hour. Just have 2 ushers to one BM...nothing wrong with that at all.

And really - do NOT stress over it. I know she is your friend and all...but what it boils down to is you and your soon-to-be-hubby on your wedding day...no one else.

 

[Hillbeans]

Wow. This is tough, both for you and your friend. She probably is feeling pressured to be in the other wedding because it's "family" however with less than 3 months to go, how unfair it is for you to be the odd man out.

I think though you should let her go, because even if you were to get really upset and "make" her be at your wedding, she's going to be preoccupied. She's in a really bad spot, and i'm sure she's not trying to hurt you even though you are very hurt right now.

I also think at this point it may be better not to have anyone fill that spot. I know personally i'd feel a little strange just asking anyone to fill that spot, and it's a lot of money for someone who wasn't planning on the expense of being a bridesmaid (the shower, dress, shoes, gift).


All the best to you. You sound like a very good person and you're not going to let something like this interfere with your special day. Good luck!

 

[CEDmom]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I remember the months leading up to my wedding and additional stress was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her SIL backed out at the last minute because the bride didn't want her 18 mo old niece in the wedding party. There wasn't any time to get a new dress so what happened was a cousin of the groom who was the same size as the SIL stepped in and took her place.

Is there anyone on either side that could wear the dress? Under the circumstances I don't think someone would be offended by being asked to help you out.

Good luck and just remember that no matter what it will be a beautiful day.

 

[pjlla]

Is there anyone you could ask that would understand? Let me explain..........
My brother was getting married. He had asked a few college and high school friends to be in the wedding. He did not ask my husband (fiance at the time). My husband completely understood. Even though they were friends in college and my brother had introduced us, they were not that really close kind of friend. Well, as it turned out, wedding weekend arrives and one of the out of town groomsmen (high school buddy of my brother) fails to show up. Friday night they do the "guys night out" thing and pick up the tuxes. They explain to the tux shop that one guy hasn't shown yet. The tux shop owners gives his home number and says he will get a tux to fit whoever they find to fill in.

Wedding rehearsal night arrives, still no groomsman. The bride's brother in law offers to fill in, but they ask my husband instead. Call the tux shop owner at home, get a perfect tux to fit him, and he is officially in the wedding.

FAST FORWARD to 2004 (wedding was fall of 1991)..... the failed groomsman never contact my brother to explain or apologize. Bride's brother is law is no longer a member of the family. But my darling husband is still around, closer friends than ever to my brother and his family, and there are no bad memories associated with looking at the wedding photos!! It all turned out great!!

So..... to end this long saga... maybe there is someone you could ask that would understand and not feel like second fiddle. And maybe it would work out to be the best! Or just go without that additional bridesmaid. That would be just fine also. Best of luck.... don't stress.... it will all work out just fine!....................P

 

[KathyTX]

First, take a deep breath. Everything's going to be okay, I promise.

When you're planning your wedding, it really does seem like the most important event in the universe and the details can make you crazy.

Now- a little perspective.

Would it be the end of the world if you had one "unmatched" groomsman? Probably not... and I promise that you would not have a church full of shocked friends and family if that were to happen.

You asked the bridesmaid two years ago (!) to be in your wedding, so I know you've planned this in TREMENDOUS detail. But the conflicting wedding she's been asked to join is with her new family! Her fiance's brother! These are the people she'll be making her new life with. I'm sure that she feels very torn having to choose between the two obligations... but I think she made the right decision. Try to be understanding with her, it sounds like you've been friends for a long time.

Do you have any friends, maybe some you've met or become close to more recently, who could be the same size as that bridesmaid? You don't know if you can get another dress in time, so it sounds like either finding someone who could wear HER dress or just doing without that bridesmaid are your options.

This should be a happy time for you. Try to focus your energy on deciding between the options you have control of here, and not on being angry with your friend. I'm sure she did not want to cause you such trouble.

(What size is the dress? Maybe you can get a DISer to volunteer to fill in. )

 

[stinkerbelle]

can I add one more thing here? (and I don't mean to be insulting to anyone with large wedding parties with what I'm about to say...so please don't feel I'm attacking anyone...)

My hubby and I had a VERY small wedding party - my brother, his sister and brother, and a girl friend of mine. just 4 people.

so much easier to coordinate less people on the day of...things happen so quickly, you really don't have time to deal with a ton of people putting in their 2 cents.

and that's just my 2 cents!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

My sister went through a situation kind of similar to what you are going through, only she had to "kick out" a bridesmaid. This bridesmaid was our best friend that we grew up with and she lived across the street (oh yea my sister and I are twins). My sister asked this girl to be a bridesmaid and she graciously excepted and was very involved with the wedding and helping my sister and I out with everything. We went dress shopping and we bought the dresses, 2 months before my sister was getting married, this girl seemed to disappear. She didn't RSVP for the Bridal Shower, she didn't pick up the dress she paid for, wouldn't return any phone calls, seemed to be avoiding all phone calls, but yet we would see her go to her dad's house which is across the street from our parents house so we knew she was alright. My sister ended up having to leave a message stating that she needs some help now and it doesn't seem like she (the friend) has the time to help out anymore and asked her to step down but was welcome to come to the wedding. (My sister said it better and nicer to her but I am not as an eloquent speaker as my sis)

My sister ended up asking one of her friends she made at work and the friend accepted and was thrilled. She did not feel "second best" and was just as excited. David's Bridal exchanged the dress and my sister gave the other girl her money back and the wedding went perfect.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I was asked was asked last month to be in my SIL's wedding this August. I am a fill in. They started planning this a year ago. My Future BIL's sister is pregnant and due on their wedding day! So they asked me to fill and I was not offended AT ALL! Having been through the whole wedding planning thing I can totally relate. Plus DH and DD are both in the wedding and I don't have to worry about what I am going to wear!

If you can find someone to fill in, who would be understanding, that would be great! If not it's not the end of the world (even though it seems like it now.)

Good Luck!

 

[Tinkbell]

Let a bridesmaid have the honor of having 2 escorts. I wouldn't go through the trouble of finding a replacement.

 

[Doesney]

I too am sorry this has happened so close to your dream day. But I am sure that there will be a friend, cousin, coworker that would totally understand and not be offended at being a "fill in". But if I were you I would not expect the "fill-in" to pay for anything, dress, shoes etc. I would happily pay for all their attire. And if you do not find anyone, I amsure your brother will understand at being "solo". Don't fret everything will turn out exactly as it is supposed to.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by pjlla


Wedding rehearsal night arrives, still no groomsman. The bride's brother in law offers to fill in, but they ask my husband instead. Call the tux shop owner at home, get a perfect tux to fit him, and he is officially in the wedding.

The same thing happened when my brother got married...except his best man's wife went into labor! My DH filled in after being asked only hours before.

With a girl it would be harder to fit in the dress, however. I'd just go with one less bridesmaid.

 

[puffkin]

Thanks everyone for all the quick replies! I am pretty relaxed about everything involved with the wedding (i am not a bridezilla at all!) but this is not only stressful, but very hurtful as well. The reason I asked this person is because she was my best friend growing up (for almost 20 years!) and I am disappointed that not only will she not be in the wedding, but she won't even be there!

But, I really do understand her decision. Yes, I am hurt and upset, but I understand. What I find unforgiveable is the way she handled it. She called me two weeks ago to ask about the dresses, because the other bride liked the same one and my friend wanted to see if it was ok to use my dress at both weddings. Then, last week she calls me and tells me about this conflict of dates and that it was really hard, but she decided to be in my wedding. Then, last night she drops out! First of all, she should have realized the conflict months ago, my wedding date has be set for almost 3 years! And, I don't know for sure, but it looks like she will be using my dress!

I do have one friend from high school that I would consider asking. We were close in high school, but kind of lost touch in college. Recently, we have started to get back in touch and do things together. I think she would understand (especially since she was friends with the one who dropped out) but I am not sure. I think that in the future, we will be good friends, but I also don't want her to feel any pressure. As for a new dress, I would pay for it and the shoes and hair and everything. I don't know, I don't want to rush into anything, but I need to decide in the next day or two.

So much stress, not to mention I am an accountant and this is our BUSY week at work, ugh

 

[Serena]

Your friend had a commitment to you and she blew it off. That would be very hurtful to me. As far as the extra groomsman, I'd let that alone. It's no biggy.

 

[Kallison]

Wow your best friend for 20 years should have told her fiance that she has known you a lot longer than his brother. He should have understood. Maybe it was her fault because they checked the dates with her and she messed up. I remember my Dh's best man changed his date to a week after our wedding, didn't ask DH to be in the wedding and we came home two days early from our honeymoon to attend. Barely talk to them any more and they live in the same town.

Can you ask a girlfriend of one of the ushers to fill in? If not go with the two ushers on one girlfriend.

Two of our ushers got hurt and were on crutches at our wedding. My SIL the party girl feel asleep at the wheel and almost killed herself two weeks before and was also on crutches. Me and MOHonor got in a car accident three days before, but luckily were not hurt, just sore, bruised and limping. We LAUGH about it now, hopefully you will one day too.

 

[CamColt]

Oh I feel your pain. I had the exact same thing happen to me right before my wedding, only my cousin bailed because she was in a fight with our other cousins and didnt want to face them.
I was at work venting about the situation and my friend there said, "Gee, if Id fit in the dress Id take her place". Well she was a very large girl and luckily so was my cousin. So, we went to the dress shop and changed the names on the dress(with my cousins permission since she had already paid), and my coworker took my cousins place.
I hope it all works out for you too.

 

[WilmaBud]

I think it'll work out fine whatever you decide (to get a replacement or to have 2 groomsmen w. 1 bridesmaid). But I wanted to put my 2 cents in about your friend who dropped out. I don't think she made the right choice. She had made a committment to you long before the other wedding, and she should have told her fiance's brother and his bride-to-be about that right away when she was asked to be in that wedding. I understand that this will be her family, but a committment is a committment, to friend or family. You don't just ditch your friend at the last minute! I'd be really hurt, and I'd tell her so too. I think what she did stinks! It's unkind and disloyal.

 

[danacara]

I'd be pissed. But I might consider this as a solution: is there any way that the best man could stay in the front with the groom, while your brother escorts your mother to her seat and then join the two of them at the front? It would make for a good heartstrings-tugging moment, and you would have an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen to walk down the aisle.