Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[JustWondering]

I am sure this is very hard. My best friend is going through this exact thing right now except it was our other best girlfriend and the Skank was living with them. Her ex2be ( seperated in Oct.) texted her that the other day while he had their DD2.5...." Just wanted to let you know
xxx pottied in the potty and we wiped front to back .." Well my BFF thought that was odd that he mentioned front to back.. the EX DH is clueless... so she drove past his house to be nosy and she was right the skanky girl was there.

My BFF is sooo angry.. it hurts me to see how angry she is. Its like she becomes another person ( a crazy person) when the skank is brought up . She gets red in the face and practically starts shaking. I hope she can get control of it soon , Its not good for herself or her daughter.
Being a stepmom for the last 15 yrs im also afraid it will eventually hurt her DD's relationship with the possibly soon to be new wife. I know the thought of this woman being near you dd is enough to make you want to vomit, but just try to remember life is SOOOO much easier for your child if everyone can just " get along"

My DH's wife and I dont really care for each other.. but have managed to get along for the most part and my oldest seems to be a happier child for it. When he graduated last yr, his mother actually told me that she thought i had been a great step mom and she couldnt ask for anyone better to love her child. I take that as a HUGE compliment esp coming from a woman who really didnt like me ( no i didnt steal her man either lol )
Maybe this woman will be a positive light in your childs life and then again maybe she wont last long LOL most 21 yr olds have the attention span of a gnat : )
Good luck OP!!

Thank you! One of my best friends reminded me shortly after I found out about the affair that "he who angers you, controls you". I found this to help me deal with the rage of it all. Perhaps it will help your friend as well. The angry hurts no one but her and her child as you said. That's not to say that I don't boil inside or vent to a few close friends from time to time.

There are several good books out there concerning infidelity that helped me tremendously and may help your friend. I hate to hear of anyone struggling through this. It is SO painful, but I realized early on that I can't change what happened, I can only effect what happens from here.

I also know that there are terrific step-parents out there. Honestly, if this was not the AFFAIR partner, I would not have the same issues. I just hate the fact that their relationship was borne from lies and deceit. I just don't believe that she DESERVES to have my son in her life, kwim?

I want a good life for my son and myself. I secretly want my soon-to-be-ex to realize what he gave up. Doubtful I know, when he gets all of the you-know-what that any man could want. Regardless, reading everyone's words of wisdom and positive thoughts has helped me more than I can say. I was so anxious about this situation when I posted. I still am, but now it has sunk in that I can't change this either. She WILL be in DS's life. How I handle it will make all the difference in what kind of life DS has. Please keep in mind that my DH is not vindictive (we never fought when married, just small disagreements) so I don't have that to deal with as so many other's have. For this I am very grateful.

Ride Junkie: I guess the best you can hope for is that this woman will be good to your child. Let's hope!

You know, that is what it boils down to. My closest friend told me this as well. You are so right.

Again, THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone. I love the dis. I will be taking DS to WDW very soon. This is one last thing I need to do to reach closure. You see, DH was off text messaging other woman hot and heavy while we were at Disney and US last year. I had no clue. I didn't think he even knew how to text! I had it all planned out...I would take DS on certain rides while DH rode the thrillers. That worked out to his advantage. Planning for, and taking DS to Disney is one of my true loves. He tainted that. I'm taking back the Pixie Dust!

 

[ilovejack02]

He who angers you .. controls you! Maybe ill cross stitch that on a pillow for her
I will be sure and tell her that one!
If you dont mind will you PM me the title of the books.. or post them here, others may need them too.

It def wouldnt be so bad if it wasnt the affair partner Im sure. Im also pretty sure that in my friend's situation it wouldnt be quite as horrible if it hadnt been our other BFF. The girl left her DH Feb of 07 and moved in with them. We all told my friend to get her out the house something was off. Turns on in Oct of 07 we found out he had been seeing her since Aug of '06 and the that girls DH didnt tell her. He is a jerk for that! Her ex2be is also a vindictive donkey ; )..... so it just makes it worse! You cant make this stuff up can you?

How exciting for you and your DS to be able to go to WDW!!! Take back that Pixie dust girl lol!

 

[Disney Doll]

No wonder there's so much divorce in the world, with the turn the other cheek attitude in the world today.

If more people took stronger stands, fewer children would suffer in the long run. Homewreckers would know they'd be ostracized and less likely to blithely break up homes.

No they wouldn't. Someone who can wreck a home doesn't really care what people think about them.

I know you have strong feelings about this based on your personal experience, but a divorce situation is a lot different when there are minor children as opposed to adult children.

 

[4greatboys]

Thanks for the advice and kind words.

It is going to be so hard to be pleasant. I feel like she has stolen my life...she wanted my husband (sent in excess of 1000 text messages to him every month) and got him, she wants my child and will get him too. I worry that my son will find her more appealing as she is young and carefree and I'm not. I have to ride him to get his homework done or pick up his toys...you know, all those things we mom's get to do! She has an 8 year old SISTER.

Please don't let that bother you. Your son will not like her better than you or find her my appealing.

My ex and I are both remarried and the kids(my 2 oldest) get along great with my husband but that has not changed their relationship with their dad and I bet it wont change in your relationship with your son either. Your mom and you will always be mom. Hopefully they will have some kind of rules in their house as well he will have to abide by so it will be the same.

 

[JustWondering]

He who angers you .. controls you! Maybe ill cross stitch that on a pillow for her
I will be sure and tell her that one!
If you dont mind will you PM me the title of the books.. or post them here, others may need them too.

It def wouldnt be so bad if it wasnt the affair partner Im sure. Im also pretty sure that in my friend's situation it wouldnt be quite as horrible if it hadnt been our other BFF. The girl left her DH Feb of 07 and moved in with them. We all told my friend to get her out the house something was off. Turns on in Oct of 07 we found out he had been seeing her since Aug of '06 and the that girls DH didnt tell her. He is a jerk for that! Her ex2be is also a vindictive donkey ; )..... so it just makes it worse! You cant make this stuff up can you?

How exciting for you and your DS to be able to go to WDW!!! Take back that Pixie dust girl lol!

Your poor friend. I can't imagine having to deal with a best friend's involvement on top of the affair itself.

Here are the books that helped me through the initial stages of coming to grips with the affair:
"After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring
"Infidelity, A Survival Guide" by Don-David Lusterman
"Surviving Infidelity, (Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain)" by Rona Subotnik

I will say that apparently the majority of people that have affairs are confused about what they should do...stay and work on the marriage or go. The above books address those issues. I have learned that my DH had what is referred to as an Exit Affair. A good book that deals with the aftermath of that situation is:

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

Here are two additional books for your friend (and me) to look for that have been recommended by Dismembers:

"Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughn
"Split: A Memoir of Divorce" by Suzanne Finnamore.

I ordered all of my books through Amazon. I also would recommend your friend read "Divorce & New Beginnings (A complete guide to Recovery, Solo Parenting, Co-Parenting, and Stepfamilies). This should help her see the damage the anger can do to the kids.

Best wishes to her and anyone else who has gone through this or is currently going through it. I also would like to recommend that everyone put a little something aside, a Just in Case fund so to speak. I am being perfectly honest when I tell you that I had no clue this would ever happen to me...EVER. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. We could finish each other's thoughts, we had the same philosophy on life (or so I thought), the same parenting style, always thanked one another for doing things around the house etc. This is not to say that everything was perfect but any issues that we had were by no means serious enough to ruin a marriage. Apparently, DH didn't see it that way. He has reached mid-life and the spot light wasn't on him 24/7 anymore. Things were comfortable...and we have a small child that requires love, time, and energy. That's life. I'm sure all of the attention and extra-curricular activities this (now 21 year old) girl gives him just makes him feel great about himself.

My situation was a real wake-up call for my friends. They now believe that if it can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. I say this not to scare anyone. I just want you to be prepared. Luckily, my DH didn't take all of the money, nor is he fighting me on anything regarding the money. Most cases are NOT that amicable.

 

[NMAmy]

My situation was a real wake-up call for my friends. They now believe that if it can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. I say this not to scare anyone. I just want you to be prepared. Luckily, my DH didn't take all of the money, nor is he fighting me on anything regarding the money. Most cases are NOT that amicable.

I think this is a point well made. I've heard many people over the years say, "Oh, my husband would never do that." I used to think it, too. When I told my MIL what had happened (because my ex was too chicken to do it himself) she told me, "That's not possible. He thinks the sun doesn't shine until you get up."

It's been 10 years now and I've realized that my ex and his wife did me a huge favor. I'm so much happier now than I was when I was with him and I can interact with the two of them without any emotions but indifference now. I've remarried and have a great life but it took a lot of strength to get here. And, unfortunately, I'm no longer so innocent about something like that never happening to me.

Just Wondering, it sounds like you are handling this really well. I know your future is going to hold wonderful surprises for you.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm so, so glad to see you making the point about it happening to anyone. I used to get so frustrated on the SAHM/WOHM threads, because there were always so many moms who were 100% SURE it could never happen to them, and they were always so smug and self-righteous, in a "Oh, my husband would NEVER do that" kind of way. It just didn't seem possible to explain that it could and did happen in those kinds of marriages, too - and that it didn't mean you were being disloyal to your good mariage to make sure you had a plan if it was ever needed to live on your own.

EVERY woman should be able to support herself and her minor children in a job with a decent benefit package. If she is not trained to do anything, she should use some of her time to get the education she needs to put that in place for herself if she ever needs it. Not to is just foolish, I think.

 

[JustWondering]

Thank you NMAmy. I appreciate that! I am so glad that things ultimately worked out for the best for you. I strive to be at the place where you are, one day. Happy and content...

DVCLiz, I agree. At the very least, every woman should have an account with some emergency cash in it. If you never need it, you can surprise the hubby with a fantastic vacation when you are old and gray. Although, the old and gray have affairs too, so that might not work. Another thing is to establish credit in your name only. Luckily I have always had my own credit however,with our latest home (bought during his affair), I was foolish enough to just put the house in DH name for the first time ever, since I a currently a SAHM. Now, I have to refinance it which will cost me some money. Why or Why did I do that?!!!

 

[jodifla]

Thank you NMAmy. I appreciate that! I am so glad that things ultimately worked out for the best for you. I strive to be at the place where you are, one day. Happy and content...

DVCLiz, I agree. At the very least, every woman should have an account with some emergency cash in it. If you never need it, you can surprise the hubby with a fantastic vacation when you are old and gray. Although, the old and gray have affairs too, so that might not work. Another thing is to establish credit in your name only. Luckily I have always had my own credit however,with our latest home (bought during his affair), I was foolish enough to just put the house in DH name for the first time ever, since I a currently a SAHM. Now, I have to refinance it which will cost me some money. Why or Why did I do that?!!!

And as the fire-throwing revenge person here, I do want to say that you are of course handling this so much better than I would. Your way is the best way and will do your family the best in the long run. (Since I don't think I'm capable of taking the high road in this situation, I hope I don't run into it ever!)

And you are so right about the finances. That is one aspect I've ALWAYS considered and prepared for.

Good luck with everything. And thanks for posting to remind us all about the unexpected things that can happen in a life.

 

[IntercomGroupPage]

You want to drive her insane?

Call your ex. A lot.

Of course, it's always about your child.

My DH left his ex 9 years ago. I met him 3 years ago, so I had nothing to do with their breakup (I swear!!!!)

Well his ex has never really gotten over him, so she still calls constantly. Even though she is remarried with two more kids.

She has to call him at least two times a day. To "remind" him about games or homework or projects. Every time his phone rings and her loud, whiny voice pierces the air, it makes me nuts.

Of course, what can he do? It's about his child. Nothing urgent mind you, but he has to listen. He can't stand her either, but it's this constant annoyance which we can't get away from for another 7 years.

I told him when his kid turns 18, he's getting a new number.

 

[ilovejack02]

I told him when his kid turns 18, he's getting a new number.

LMAO actually you can get away from her sooner ; )
Once my oldest hit about 14.5 we bought him a cell phone and instructed him to let us know important things and amazingly enough he has been really good at it! He also moved in with us right about that time, we just stopped answering our phone. If we saw it was her on our caller id, we told DS right away his mom called and she might want to talk to him. He didnt always answer his phone when she called. We never kept him from her, we just didnt talk to her. Once he hit 18 i blocked her email address she hasnt called in over a yr. WOO HOO, its been great.
It wont last forever I PROMISE!
Of course in emergency situations we would always call her and we know she would call us!

 

[MOM POPPINS]

Wow this is an old thread I don't know why it bumped today ? Hoping the OP found peace with the situation, hugs to her this is heartbreaking.

 

[gwynne]

Wow this is an old thread I don't know why it bumped today ? Hoping the OP found peace with the situation, hugs to her this is heartbreaking.

Often spammers post, they get poofed and we are left with their zombie thread bump.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Often spammers post, they get poofed and we are left with their zombie thread bump.

Or, actually, the random suggested threads scroll at the bottom of the page is filled with threads that match other thread subjects that any individual person has opened. And, since old threads never die, sometimes the system has to go way back to find matching interest threads.

 

[gwynne]

Or, actually, the random suggested threads scroll at the bottom of the page is filled with threads that match other thread subjects that any individual person has opened. And, since old threads never die, sometimes the system has to go way back to find matching interest threads.

Actually, I believe the poster before my post who couldn't figure out the reason the thread bumped. I think she would know if she bumped it.

 

[Malibustyle23]

Or, actually, the random suggested threads scroll at the bottom of the page is filled with threads that match other thread subjects that any individual person has opened. And, since old threads never die, sometimes the system has to go way back to find matching interest threads.

That's probably the case often but I doubt it with this one since the post that bumped it is now gone implying it was a spam post.

 

[lsyorke]

Darn zombie thread!

 

[Kitty 34]

Doesn't a poster have to bump the thread by answering it?? I'm confused by a spam posting reason?? Please let me know how that is done?

 

[gwynne]

Doesn't a poster have to bump the thread by answering it?? I'm confused by a spam posting reason?? Please let me know how that is done?

A spammer posts, the mods poof the spam post, but the thread is still "bumped" up.
Stinking spammers.

 

[mom2rtk]

I don't know about you guys. But I'd love to hear from the OP and know if the Ex is still with the object of the affair. I'm sort of hoping she stepped out on him and left him.