Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[JustWondering]

Hi All!

I have a situation that I need advice with. I'm not new to the boards however I really don't want this info linked to my regular id.

My soon to be ex will be marrying his 21 y/o affair partner. He is 40 (I'm a couple of years older) and we have a child 6. I never saw any of this coming and was blind-sided last year when dh came to me to tell me he was not happy in what I always thought of was a great marriage (19 years). I found out a week later that he had been having an affair with a subordinate (20 at the time). He walked out of the marriage and never looked back. He is still very active in child's life. We remain amicable for child's sake and do not bad mouth each other nor undermine each other's parenting.

I never would have thought that I would be a divorced woman and that my child was going to be raised in a broken home. It saddens me immensely. Here is my problem. I have no feeling of love left for dh and would never chose to be married to him in light of everything I now know. I have no problem with him getting remarried to someone down the road that he forms a healthy relationship with after we are divorced. I DO have a problem with him marrying this ***** that helped break up our marriage, not to mention that I could be her Mother and husband could be her Dad. I don't want her involved in child's life. I know I can't control this and I also know that it is inevitable. So here I am, asking for help from anyone that may know what I am going through and/or has any wisdom regarding this situation. I DO NOT want to damage my child so I realize that I will have to suck it up. Please help me figure out how.

Thanks for reading. I love the DIS boards!

 

[PamNC]

I am saddened by your situation and although I don't feel qualified to give advice I wanted to say that I am very sorry this happened and I think you're a brave person. I can understand how you feel about not wanting this person involved. I feel unqualified to give advice because I haven't been in this situation and more importantly, I don't have kids. Not sure there is a good answer. Although, I don't think it's possible for her not to be involved with your child given that he is still involved.

How sad. You know - "what goes around comes around." I wouldn't be at all surprised if he didn't do the same thing to her down the road. Yet another affair, yet another broken marriage.

Hang in there. I hope you get some good advice from someone with experience with this type of matter.

PamNC

 

[akhenaten]

I completely understand....
I think that I would focus on the fact ....that although she was involved with the breakup of your marriage....she had no loyalty to you.

Your ex was the one who made the commitment to you and took vows with you!!!

She was a jerk..but he is mainly to blame...

try and use this to release your focus of anger on her.....

 

[NY Disney fan]

JustWondering:

My heart goes out to you!! Listen, at the end of the day there is nothing you can really do. However, if I were you, I would get a criminal background check on this skanky ho. You don't know her from a hole in the wall nor should you trust her with your child. Keep your enemies close! Docment all her visits with her dad.

 

[NY Disney fan]

....that although she was involved with the breakup of your marriage....she had no loyalty to you.


She was a jerk..but he is mainly to blame...

..

A rapist on the street has no loyalty to me...does that give him the right to rape me and ruin my life?

 

[EMom]

I don't know what advice to give. What a skanky ho. And what a desperate "old" man, talking up wth someone closer to his child's age than his, while he's still married. Way to set an example, Dad! Oh well, at least they can go to Libby Lu for makeovers together!

This happened to a friend of mine and she sometimes has her children pray for Daddy. (Not for his harlot, though.) But she's a devout Christian and is in deadly earnest. The kids were confused and upset because the skank spent the night and they'd always been taught that unmarried people did not sleep together. Daddy's rules changed once a sweet young thing came along. Now they just pray for Daddy. My dark sense of humor loves that. The mother never rags on him....She prays for him with the children. It's sooooo perfect.

And what goes around does come around. Unless your DH is rolling in dough, my guess is Little Miss 21 will tire of him in 10 years or less. Once he starts looking like an old man to her and not just an older man, she'll be on to younger and greener pastures...with a healthy divorce settlement.

 

[freckles and boo]

Obviously she has at least one character flaw because she had an affair with a married man. What kind of person is she otherwise? Will she be kind to your child? Will she support you as a parent? Will she be jealous of your husband's relationship with the child? Unless they break up before they marry, she is tied to you now. I would make the very, very best of it and request a meeting so you can establish some parenting ground rules. Tell her the truth - you want to get to know the person who will be in your child's life and you want to establish those ground rules.

 

[popeyeohoh]

The 21 yr. old found a daddy. Just wondering if she is looking for a sibling? She may want to be an only child. My dad married a woman 16yrs younger than him. She lasted 5 yrs. I would try and be pleasant, she may move on.

 

[agnes!]

A rapist on the street has no loyalty to me...does that give him the right to rape me and ruin my life?

The soon2B stepmom slept with the OP's husband, that's true. *BUT* the Soon2BEx is the one who took vows, not this woman. It seems to me that the Soon2BEx clearly committed adultery (if that is even a 'crime' anymore). He is the one who stood up in front of God (or at least a Justice of the Peace) and made vows, signed a marriage license, bought & sold property together, had a child with the wife and so on.
Sometimes the one left behind completely blames the outside party, when all the while it takes two to tango. It seems to be that is most of what akenhaten was saying.

The OP's Soon2BEx bears more of the blame in my book, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to do what he did.

I'm not understanding what bearing the violent crime of rape has on the discussion about the continuing ramifications(heartache, divorce, remarriage, step-mother, future parenting issues, etc.) of this particular infidelity.


OP - Best wishes. I'm with 'freckles and boo' & popeyeohoh...make the best of it and try your darnedest to be pleasant.

agnes!

 

[hollieplus2]

I don't know where you are but I know here in TN you can write in the custody agreement that no overnight visits shall occur w/ anyone of the opposite sex unless you are married. This would stop the overnight visits while the child is there, at least until they got married. I think having the GF sleep over when the child is there is just confusing and not a good idea. Otherwise I think you'll just have to be the better person and realize that you already have the best part of your ex-dh, his child and that she can have everything else.

 

[NY Disney fan]

He is the one who stood up in front of God (or at least a Justice of the Peace) and made vows, signed a marriage license, bought & sold property together, had a child with the wife and so on.
Sometimes the one left behind completely blames the outside party, when all the while it takes two to tango. It seems to be that is most of what akenhaten was saying.



I'm not understanding what bearing the violent crime of rape has on the discussion about the continuing ramifications(heartache, divorce, remarriage, step-mother, future parenting issues, etc.) of this particular infidelity.

The rape analogy is to show that what SHE did was a violation. Yes, the husband is to blame, that is a given. He broke the vows. But surely, this 21 year old KNEW that he was married with a child. Did it not occur to her that what she was doing (her actions, not his) was wrong? What about common human decency for another human being? I am so tired of people thinking the mistress has no culpability. I understand some women truly don't know the guy is married, I get that, but she had to have known.

You know what though? That is OK. Because this stupid woman and this stupid man will discover just how sorry they are going to be. Karma is a B and she slaps hard.

 

[okeydokey]

I know it's immensly hard, but if you take the high road and act civilly, you will be better off in the end. Most likely, it's only a matter of time before the young homewrecker will be off to her next relationship.

 

[JustWondering]

Thanks for the advice and kind words.

It is going to be so hard to be pleasant. I feel like she has stolen my life...she wanted my husband (sent in excess of 1000 text messages to him every month) and got him, she wants my child and will get him too. I worry that my son will find her more appealing as she is young and carefree and I'm not. I have to ride him to get his homework done or pick up his toys...you know, all those things we mom's get to do! She has an 8 year old SISTER.

We own several businesses. I'm sure that is what drew her to him in the first place. Everyone I know is in complete shock that HE could do this. Totally, not the type of person that you would expect this sort of behavior from. And Yes, I do blame him more than her but I know she had a b/f at the time that this was going on (thanks to my myspace research) so she is not entirely innocent.

I'm a quiet polite person. I just don't know how I am going to look at this girl, let alone speak to her.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts. Believe me, they really do help.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I'm not understanding what bearing the violent crime of rape has on the discussion about the continuing ramifications(heartache, divorce, remarriage, step-mother, future parenting issues, etc.) of this particular infidelity.

. I feel like she has stolen my life

This is the connection I was trying to illustrate.

 

[Jordan'sMom]

1

 

[Handbag Lady]

Good luck. Try to protect your child the best you can, try to continue to not speak ill of your child's father, and when your child comes to you and says he doesn't like the step-mom, don't force it. You can tell your child that he must be respectful, but he doesn't have to like her.

Continue to make him do his homework. Make it clear to the new wife that she must also make him do his homework, no excuses. To allow the child no parenting while you are not there should be some sort of breach of custody. Yes, now the child might think you are a strict mom, but in 10 or 15 years, he will think highlt of you and not so much as the skank, uhm, I mean new wife.

I assume you have a great lawyer?

 

[NMAmy]

The soon2B stepmom slept with the OP's husband, that's true. *BUT* the Soon2BEx is the one who took vows, not this woman. It seems to me that the Soon2BEx clearly committed adultery (if that is even a 'crime' anymore). He is the one who stood up in front of God (or at least a Justice of the Peace) and made vows, signed a marriage license, bought & sold property together, had a child with the wife and so on.
Sometimes the one left behind completely blames the outside party, when all the while it takes two to tango. It seems to be that is most of what akenhaten was saying.

I understand what you're saying. However, as someone who has actually been in a very similar situation, I cannot tell you how devestating it is to have another woman not only help cause the breakup of your marriage but also to get her hands on your child every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. It is a very real feeling of being betrayed and of being replaced. While you can't keep the child's father away from him/her, it is quite natural to want to keep the other woman from your child. Particularly if they go through that crap where they want the kid to call them "Mom." Yeah, that didn't really fly with me.

To the OP: I know how hard this is for you. If it's any consolation, I can actually get along with my ex's wife and even feel pity for her. It's been 10 years now. And she has to deal with all his crap--I don't think she knew what she was in for.

The best thing to do is to try to carry yourself with grace and dignity. Be the bigger person--even though it's hard--and know that she is stuck with your stupid ex. Your child knows his/her mommy as the person who stuck with them and didn't leave. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

Hugs to you this happened to a friend of mine years ago. She has since said it was the best thing that ever happened to her ( to be rid of him ). She never forgave him for what he did to the kids emotionally ( he didn't show up on "his" day etc) - and the kids observed all. Now as adults have little to do with him. It will be rough. Can you get a recommendation for a family counselor to help you and your kids through this? It sounds like you are on the right track but a little reafirmation from a professional goes a long way.

 

[Teejay32]

My soon to be ex will be marrying his 21 y/o affair partner. He is 40 (I'm a couple of years older) and we have a child 6.

We own several businesses. I'm sure that is what drew her to him in the first place.

I don't like the sound of this. I do know something about handing my children over to another woman, and I am a big fan of people who do their best to remain a team for the kids' sake (which I try for at all times)...but I'm wondering how far gone your ex is in his idiocy? I would be looking for the absolute best legal representation I could afford to preserve my rights as a mom and as a business owner, and just hope his relationship with his son survives intact. He's at fault here.

I'd also get a 25-year-old boyfriend. Hee.

 

[sunsprinkle24]

I've been there. My ex married the woman who helped break up our marriage. I understand how you feel. But she will never take your place. You are Momma. Don't forget that. The best thing you can do is hold your head up, and be pleasant. Yes, I know its hard. Really hard! But you will come through this. And just remind yourself...you are well rid of him. What did she get? a cheater. And it will catch up with both of them.

My ex and his wife have trust issues (Gee I wonder why? ) -- he checks her cell phone records and she checks his...I have had her call my number and ask who I was. Boy was she embarrassed when she found out it was me. This is what happens when 2 cheaters marry each other. Meanwhile I have married a wonderful man who I trust completely.