Helicopter Parents: The backlash against overparenting

[ilovejack02]

Totally agree...I can't remember ever being told I was loved either. I know they did, but a kid needs to hear it and feel it.

That is very true! My MIL never heard it from her mother. She made sure her boys heard it and had hugs daily .
She managed to do it without becoming a copter parent, thank goodness lol.
I don't have a clue how she came out so good.. but Thank the good Lord she did!!
A side note my FIL was horribly abused as a kid he also turned out to be a great Dad despite the odds.

While you might have some issues , you sound like a very loving Mom!

 

[joyjoy]

This is true but honestly, I've threatened to do that to my 3rd child when he starts school next year!!!! I'm paranoid as to what phone call I will get at the beginning of the year AND they do outdoor Ed.

Last year beginning of the year...call from the nurse before school even starts, your child got kicked in the eye on the playground -- I go get him & take him to ER since holy cow, the kid didn't just get kicked lightly that was some HUGE, HUGE blow to the eye. He still has a scar from it and he just looked lovely for a couple months while that shiner healed. Mostly his fault for walking BEHIND someone swinging on the monkey bars, the kid swung backwards, so no way for him to have known my kid wasn't thinking.

This year, beginning of the school year -- call from the nurse, your child and another child's head collided in gym, he lost a tooth but we found it -- as the dentist is poking around literally shoving the tooth back into place, found out a 2nd adult tooth was hanging on by a thread. We literally just got done with those repairs last week & it's still a possibility he will end up with root canals or losing those teeth completely by the time he's an adult since they were compromised. The other kid ended up with a staple in his head & back to school that afternoon. OK, I didn't send mine back even though the dentist said I could...I just drugged him up with Tylenol & let him play hooky.

Honestly, this sounds like pretty standard bang-ups to me. Pretty much everyone I know has stories like these about their kids in elementary school. You might want to begin preparing yourself for when he comes to you at 15 and tells you he bought a motorcross motorcycle that he and his buddies are planning to start racing.

 

[Planogirl]

strollers suddenly needed the warning label "Remove Child Before Folding

I don't consider myself a helicopter parent but I do have to fight the desire to be a friend to my son. I like him and love to be around him but I keep having to remind myself to parent.

I do pretty much let him find his way and just provide guidance when I see him unsure or straying. He is 16 though so he needs to learn to do for himself.

 

[clovergirl5]

That is very true! My MIL never heard it from her mother. She made sure her boys heard it and had hugs daily .
She managed to do it without becoming a copter parent, thank goodness lol.
I don't have a clue how she came out so good.. but Thank the good Lord she did!!
A side note my FIL was horribly abused as a kid he also turned out to be a great Dad despite the odds.

While you might have some issues , you sound like a very loving Mom!

Thank you, I appreciate that

 

[MrsPete]

It's now very gauche to nitpick on helicopter parents. But there's a little chopper in all of us.

One of my favorite words is BALANCE.

Too much hovering, and you deny the child the opportunity to learn to make his own decisions, to problem solve and learn from his mistakes, develop independance and real self-esteem.

Too little hovering, and he ends up neglected, failing to develop family bonds, which can leave him unprepared for adult relationships; also, academic problems that could've easily been corrected can fester and become severe if they're allowed to go on and on.

Balance. It's a hard thing to get right, and all of us take a step too far in the wrong direction occasionally.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't consider myself a helicopter parent but I do have to fight the desire to be a friend to my son. I like him and love to be around him but I keep having to remind myself to parent.

It's an easy pattern to fall into, especially when you have a teen who's mature, polite, and respectful. You can be friendly with such a child, but you have to -- at any moment -- be ready to step back into your position of authority.

Here's something stupid that I did just today -- it's not quite the same thing you're describing, but it's kind of similar:

We had a box of cookies on the counter and my daughter took one out, leaving the package open on the counter (which was fine -- we were all just home from school and other people were going to munch). I said to her, "Do you want to put the rest of those into the cookie jar?" Her answer: "No." And she walked away.

Stupid way for me to phrase it. I MEANT, "Hey, kid, do something around the house. Put those cookies into the cookie jar." But I didn't say that. I phrased it as a choice, even though I didn't intend it to BE a choice.

If we do this kind of thing on a regular basis -- and I think it's especially easy for women to do this -- we give kids the idea that following directions is an option.

 

[MrsPete]

Self-proclaimed heli here I think the reason I am that way is because I felt neglected as a kid. My parents worked so many hours, especially my mom. She was your typical career woman. Sometimes we didn't even see her on days she worked from 9am-9pm during the week. I did not have a close relationship with her and I felt kinda shoved to the side. She didn't help me with my homework or make me cookies or do things with me. She didn't get up with me for school and get me breakfast or give me lunch $, I had to get it myself out of her purse. I know I try to make up for that with my own children. They do everything I didn't as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends because I had to stay home and babysit younger brother and sister. I couldn't be is sports because there was nobody to take me. I don't ever remember anyone asking me if I had a good day. All these things I make sure to do with my kids. I do hover and I do notice the way I am. I had hardly any clothes when I was an adolescent. When I could, I bought my own or I swiped my moms clothes. I would be embarrassed because I wore the same clothes to school everyday. And it wasn't because we didn't have $. We did. It went for a new truck for my dad, a new boat for my dad and stuff for the house. My mom wouldn't buy me bras or monthly products unless I asked for them. Im always asking my dd if she needs anything. I just didn't feel like I was at the top of my moms priority list. And I overdue it with my kids because of it. They are #1 on my list. They have way to many clothes as an example. They are in alot of sports and extracurricular stuff. I have always been a person with low self esteem and take criticism extra hard. I do my best so my kids don't grow up feeling like I do. In some situations I clearly see when Im going to far.
I have made some changes though with them and my helicopter parenting. OCD meds have tremendously helped with the worry for them.
So it isn't always a cut and dry reason for parents who are like me. Usually there is a reason behind it linked to the parents upbringing, whether its right or wrong, thats my story.

I highlighted the line in your post that I think is key. A mom CAN make her kids a priority without hovering over them.

I'm remembering that my husband and I made such an effort to go on EVERY FIELD TRIP with our first child. In 4th grade, a trip came along at a bad time, and neither of us could possibly go -- and it was an all-day trip to a city several hours away on a Greyhound-type bus. We worried and worried . . . until late that night when the busses pulled up in the school parking lot, and she jumped off with smile a mile wide proclaiming, "I went on a trip all by myself!" She was a little bit taller, she was a little more independent. A light went off in our heads at the same time, and we realized that it was time to let her "go" a little -- not entirely, but she was ready to do a little more "on her own".

And it's possible to be a "helicoptor parent" without making the child a priority. I'm thinking of a certain kid in my class at school. Her mom makes an issue of EVERY SINGLE THING -- a change in seats, an assignment that she thinks wasn't given adequate time, a novel that we're about to read -- but it DOESN'T seem to be about her daughter's needs. Instead, with this woman, it's about her desire to boss other people around and to cause conflict where none needs to exist. She does it in the classrooms, she does it in sports, and she does it in the community. By the way, her child is a high school senior and is going to have a rough time stepping out into the work world. Her mom's handicapped her.

 

[ilovejack02]

It's an easy pattern to fall into, especially when you have a teen who's mature, polite, and respectful. You can be friendly with such a child, but you have to -- at any moment -- be ready to step back into your position of authority.

Here's something stupid that I did just today -- it's not quite the same thing you're describing, but it's kind of similar:

We had a box of cookies on the counter and my daughter took one out, leaving the package open on the counter (which was fine -- we were all just home from school and other people were going to munch). I said to her, "Do you want to put the rest of those into the cookie jar?" Her answer: "No." And she walked away.

Stupid way for me to phrase it. I MEANT, "Hey, kid, do something around the house. Put those cookies into the cookie jar." But I didn't say that. I phrased it as a choice, even though I didn't intend it to BE a choice.

If we do this kind of thing on a regular basis -- and I think it's especially easy for women to do this -- we give kids the idea that following directions is an option.

LOL I can't tell you how much I do this.
If he leaves trash on the counter I tend to ask.. are you going to leave that there? Well of course he is .
I am getting better at that now!

Just the other day I told a friend of mine and I were having a glass of wine on the back porch. DS7 kept coming out to chat with us. I told him several times..
"We are having Mommy time" thinking he would get the hint. I finally realized .. I need to say take your hiney back inside now!! It worked DUHHHHH!!!

 

[NMAmy]

I don't consider myself a helicopter parent but I do have to fight the desire to be a friend to my son. I like him and love to be around him but I keep having to remind myself to parent.

I do pretty much let him find his way and just provide guidance when I see him unsure or straying. He is 16 though so he needs to learn to do for himself.

DD, 19, came home from college for Thanksgiving. I told her I was happy she was older and now we could start being friends and I didn't have to parent her all the time. She gave me this aghast look and said, "Mom. I love you. But I have friends my own age. Let's just be mother and daughter but you don't have to be all bossy anymore." Dang, maybe she'll want to be friends in a couple of years.

 

[clovergirl5]

I highlighted the line in your post that I think is key. A mom CAN make her kids a priority without hovering over them.

I'm remembering that my husband and I made such an effort to go on EVERY FIELD TRIP with our first child. In 4th grade, a trip came along at a bad time, and neither of us could possibly go -- and it was an all-day trip to a city several hours away on a Greyhound-type bus. We worried and worried . . . until late that night when the busses pulled up in the school parking lot, and she jumped off with smile a mile wide proclaiming, "I went on a trip all by myself!" She was a little bit taller, she was a little more independent. A light went off in our heads at the same time, and we realized that it was time to let her "go" a little -- not entirely, but she was ready to do a little more "on her own".
And it's possible to be a "helicoptor parent" without making the child a priority. I'm thinking of a certain kid in my class at school. Her mom makes an issue of EVERY SINGLE THING -- a change in seats, an assignment that she thinks wasn't given adequate time, a novel that we're about to read -- but it DOESN'T seem to be about her daughter's needs. Instead, with this woman, it's about her desire to boss other people around and to cause conflict where none needs to exist. She does it in the classrooms, she does it in sports, and she does it in the community. By the way, her child is a high school senior and is going to have a rough time stepping out into the work world. Her mom's handicapped her.

I have been in this exact situation too. I just let go enough to let the kids ride the bus to and from school last year. I had a 12, 8, 7, 5 yr old at the time. I would take them everyday back and forth because I worried so much. In our district, to save money, a couple years ago they have all schools starting at the same time, in turn all students ride the bus together elementary through hs all on the same bus. The bus situation is going well, they like it. That was probably my biggest thing was letting them ride the bus. I have always been afraid to put my kids lives into another drivers hands. I am getting better...babysteps

 

[kaytieeldr]

My brother was taking a special summer course one year, along with three other kids from the neighborhood. The moms took turns driving and picking up.

One day, he was really really late getting home. The woman who was supposed to pick them up forgot, and he got tired of waiting so he walked home - about a quarter mile down the street the school was on, then another mile or so on the main road in my city, with no sidewalks and having to cross two busy highway ramps. He was five. He survived.

Heck, back then when kids did something wrong in school, the parents sided with the teachers. Can you imagine a helicopter parent doing that now?

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I want to gift wrap that for some of my parents! My class does not have a lot of homework- most of my kids are not capable of independent work and many times it won't get home to me. Plus, our curriculum is designed to be done in class. But I had a set of parents insisting on it so their kid will stay in line at home. I also have to call those parents anytime their child does not get a smiley face on his daily report. If I don't, they will call me as soon as the kid gets home. We alway write comments on the report, so it's not like they don't know what's going on. Thankfully that kid does not get into much trouble. I hate talking to parents on the phone. It's always so awkward.

 

[agnes!]

I highlighted the line in your post that I think is key. A mom CAN make her kids a priority without hovering over them.

I'm remembering that my husband and I made such an effort to go on EVERY FIELD TRIP with our first child. In 4th grade, a trip came along at a bad time, and neither of us could possibly go -- and it was an all-day trip to a city several hours away on a Greyhound-type bus. We worried and worried . . . until late that night when the busses pulled up in the school parking lot, and she jumped off with smile a mile wide proclaiming, "I went on a trip all by myself!" She was a little bit taller, she was a little more independent. A light went off in our heads at the same time, and we realized that it was time to let her "go" a little -- not entirely, but she was ready to do a little more "on her own".

And it's possible to be a "helicoptor parent" without making the child a priority. I'm thinking of a certain kid in my class at school. Her mom makes an issue of EVERY SINGLE THING -- a change in seats, an assignment that she thinks wasn't given adequate time, a novel that we're about to read -- but it DOESN'T seem to be about her daughter's needs. Instead, with this woman, it's about her desire to boss other people around and to cause conflict where none needs to exist. She does it in the classrooms, she does it in sports, and she does it in the community. By the way, her child is a high school senior and is going to have a rough time stepping out into the work world. Her mom's handicapped her.

There's a lot of truth in that last paragraph, a *lot*.

agnes!

 

[rgf207]

My brother was taking a special summer course one year, along with three other kids from the neighborhood. The moms took turns driving and picking up.

One day, he was really really late getting home. The woman who was supposed to pick them up forgot, and he got tired of waiting so he walked home - about a quarter mile down the street the school was on, then another mile or so on the main road in my city, with no sidewalks and having to cross two busy highway ramps. He was five. He survived.

Heck, back then when kids did something wrong in school, the parents sided with the teachers. Can you imagine a helicopter parent doing that now?

Oh my gosh. Most parents now would never side with the teacher. My wife teaches high school and you would not believe what parents say and do so. There is a 9th grade boy in one of my wife's math classes that never pays attention, never does homework and fails all tests. Well the parents say it's my wife's fault because he's not "clicking" with her. She needs to focus more on hime so they "click" and he will do much better. My wife almost went through the roof when the parents told her that.

And another mother told my wife that the HONORS ALGEBRA tests were too hard and that's why her daughter was failing. My wife should make the tests easier so everyone can do well. It's honors algebra for heaven's sake.

 

[ilovejack02]

I want to gift wrap that for some of my parents! My class does not have a lot of homework- most of my kids are not capable of independent work and many times it won't get home to me. Plus, our curriculum is designed to be done in class. But I had a set of parents insisting on it so their kid will stay in line at home. I also have to call those parents anytime their child does not get a smiley face on his daily report. If I don't, they will call me as soon as the kid gets home. We alway write comments on the report, so it's not like they don't know what's going on. Thankfully that kid does not get into much trouble. I hate talking to parents on the phone. It's always so awkward.

Our school system does not allow phone calls. Teachers dont have time, also they dont allow teachers to write us notes beyond the fact that we need to make a conference.

I think it is great , took a little getting used to but teachers concentrate on the kids not on parents.

 

[kaytieeldr]

And another mother told my wife that the HONORS ALGEBRA tests were too hard and that's why her daughter was failing. My wife should make the tests easier so everyone can do well. It's honors algebra for heaven's sake.

Your wife has my sympathies.

What I truly don't get it, these parents weren't raised this way. Their/our parents didn't hover. Like a previous poster, if you weren't bleeding or broken, maybe mom kissed your boo-boo - but then you were sent back out to play. If you failed a test or got an F on a paper/project, our parents wanted to know what WE did wrong, not what the teacher did.

And look how we turned out. We're mature, intelligent, opinionated, well-adjusted and successful (well, the rest of you are; I'm lazy ).

So if being raised the way we were resulted in these attributes, why are so many of "us" - them, really, because most DISers handle things better - so involved in every single aspect of the kids' lives? Why don't kids just go outside and play?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It's an easy pattern to fall into, especially when you have a teen who's mature, polite, and respectful. You can be friendly with such a child, but you have to -- at any moment -- be ready to step back into your position of authority.

Here's something stupid that I did just today -- it's not quite the same thing you're describing, but it's kind of similar:

We had a box of cookies on the counter and my daughter took one out, leaving the package open on the counter (which was fine -- we were all just home from school and other people were going to munch). I said to her, "Do you want to put the rest of those into the cookie jar?" Her answer: "No." And she walked away.

Stupid way for me to phrase it. I MEANT, "Hey, kid, do something around the house. Put those cookies into the cookie jar." But I didn't say that. I phrased it as a choice, even though I didn't intend it to BE a choice.

If we do this kind of thing on a regular basis -- and I think it's especially easy for women to do this -- we give kids the idea that following directions is an option.

Funny you say this. DH wants me to ask all the time b/c it is polite (even if we intend for the kids to say, yes.) I'm the opposite...I want this done, so do it is my approach.

We try to meet in the middle but it is hard. I figure if I throw in a "please", then I am being "polite".

 

[ilovejack02]

Funny you say this. DH wants me to ask all the time b/c it is polite (even if we intend for the kids to say, yes.) I'm the opposite...I want this done, so do it is my approach.

We try to meet in the middle but it is hard. I figure if I throw in a "please", then I am being "polite".

LOL My best friend is way to polite with her 4 yr old hard headed child. Always asking will you please and then wonders why her child doesnt get moving . What do you expect a 4 yr old to say!! I tell her you can be polite and teach good manners by saying thank you so much or I appreciate you doing what I asked etc etc.

 

[pandora174]

I had to laugh at the part when they mentioned in the article "correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency" !

This happened to us DS was a preemie & from 18 months till he was 5 he received OT, ST & PT at a large local hospital. One his therapists was obsessed with the funky way DS held his pencil. She meant well of course. We did exercises, she had us buy a therapy pencil etc. (all we heard was about his pencil holding). Then his grip was too weak (so we got him a hand exerciser (sp) & then guess what ? His grip got so strong he was breaking his crayons & pencils in class. His Kinder teacher at the time thought he was doing it on purpose (I had to buy the extra thick pencils & the plastic Crayola crayons - very expensive)

When our insurance plan changed & I changed therapists & DS was re-evaluated all over again. I was told he didn't need OT or PT anymore just ST 1x a week & when I mentioned his pencil holding issues, his new therapist said she noticed it but he writes clearly so no big deal. her own child held his pencil in a similar way when he was 5 & outgrew it. & she had us stop the grip stregthening exercises & he hasn't broken a crayon or pencil since In first grade & he's using the regular pencils & crayons like everyone else in his class. But he can still sting the heck out of you hand when you high five him ! lol

 

[HM]

The article mentions a Texas school that requires background checks for classroom volunteers. My kids have gone to school in Kentucky and Massachusetts - both states had that same requirement. I thought it was a little over the top, but I just assumed all states did that now. Anyone else's school district do that?

Yes, ours started this last year. Prior to that, you just signed up for volunteering and did your duty.