Helicopter Parents: The backlash against overparenting

[CF'er]

My DS13 (8th grade) had a project due. I found the info paper from the teacher and asked DS if he had it under control. Ds said he did. Had a meeting (info about field trip) at the school a few days before project is due. There were parents freaking out about this project and getting it done etc. One parent even went so far as to "obtain" the book (kids weren't allowed to take it home) for her child so yhey would have an advantage. *I* then started freaking out because I wasn't freaking out. DS did the project on his own. I did what he asked when he needed help. Otherwise it was his own. He got a C because he didn't truly understand. He also left it a bit late to complete so it was rushed. BUT.... it was his project. I did 8th grade and passed. He learned a good lesson from it.

I'm a bad parent.

 

[JessicaR]

BTW, since I'm involved with so many foster children, OVER beats UNDER.

I was just about to post the same thing! There are way too many parents that under-parent.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's interesting - now that I think of it, all of my kids' schoolwork is corrected in green pen. I never thought that there could be an actual policy behind it.

My dd had a teacher who corrected in red pen, all caps, and exclamation points, and it did bother me - perhaps because it was first grade, and this teacher was not very nice. Now, by third grade, correct as angry as you would like!

As for volunteers, our school doesn't have parental volunteers - I don't think it's a security issue, but the fact that parents here are very nosy, and very gossipy.

 

[mjkacmom]

Me three. It must be a WI and MT thing.

I can add one to your list.
Whenever one of my kids falls down or runs into a wall or otherwise damages themselves and is howling, I give them the quick look-over to be sure they aren't seriously injured then pat them on the head and tell them "No blood? No bones? You're fine! Go play!"

I now have kids capable of picking themselves up and dusting themselves off and carrying on.

One day, however, the 6 yr old repeated this mantra to one of her little friends, who looked at her like she had lost her mind, and kept on howling.

Oh, me 4 - NJ thing. And I can't tell you how many times a day I tell ds6 to man-up when he cries longer than 5 seconds, especially if he's playing soccer or football (because he's a maniac on the field, and it's usually his own fault he's hurt). It drives me nuts, probably since his older brother would NEVER cry in public, since about the age of 4.

 

[SaraJayne]

Me three. It must be a WI and MT thing.

I can add one to your list.
Whenever one of my kids falls down or runs into a wall or otherwise damages themselves and is howling, I give them the quick look-over to be sure they aren't seriously injured then pat them on the head and tell them "No blood? No bones? You're fine! Go play!"

I now have kids capable of picking themselves up and dusting themselves off and carrying on.

One day, however, the 6 yr old repeated this mantra to one of her little friends, who looked at her like she had lost her mind, and kept on howling.

I do the exact same thing. However, DD's friend was not real impressed when I did the same thing to her this weekend.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Me three. It must be a WI and MT thing.

I can add one to your list.
Whenever one of my kids falls down or runs into a wall or otherwise damages themselves and is howling, I give them the quick look-over to be sure they aren't seriously injured then pat them on the head and tell them "No blood? No bones? You're fine! Go play!"

I now have kids capable of picking themselves up and dusting themselves off and carrying on.

I teach fencing and in my current class of kids I have frequently heard the complaint "Ow, that hurts!" I say to them, "You're in fencing! You chose a sport where people purposely beat on each other with weapons! At what point did you think this was not going to hurt?!" In the rare occurrence when a kid is actually reduced to tears I send him to sit it out for a while until he feels better.

 

[locolala]

My parents stopped walking me to the bus stop once the bus came before 0730.. second grade. I had about a half mile walk, uphill on the way to the stop. No sidewalks in our neighborhood, but we had a ton of kids on my block so everyone drove slow. By age 10 I was dropped off at the barn at 7 am during the summer, and picked back up about dinner time. By the time I got to middle school, I was pretty much self sufficent. I could cook for myself, get my homework done, get myself to bed at a reasonable time, and get up with an alarm for school. If I had a project due, it was my responsibility to get it done. If I goofed and forgot about it, it was my fault and my parents' responses were "Tough luck".

I joined the military right out of high school, got my bachelors while I was in, got a medical discharge and now I'm earning my masters degree. My parents never helicoptered over me and I am so grateful for that. My dad is a child and adolescent psychologist, so he knew what was the right amount of parenting.

 

[locolala]

Oh, and my parents did the "Are you bleeding? Is it broken? Shake it off" deal. If I came off my horse and wasn't injured beyond scrapes and bruises, I was back on in a flash. I didn't have much of an option. Same if I fell off my bike.

 

[clovergirl5]

Self-proclaimed heli here I think the reason I am that way is because I felt neglected as a kid. My parents worked so many hours, especially my mom. She was your typical career woman. Sometimes we didn't even see her on days she worked from 9am-9pm during the week. I did not have a close relationship with her and I felt kinda shoved to the side. She didn't help me with my homework or make me cookies or do things with me. She didn't get up with me for school and get me breakfast or give me lunch $, I had to get it myself out of her purse. I know I try to make up for that with my own children. They do everything I didn't as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends because I had to stay home and babysit younger brother and sister. I couldn't be is sports because there was nobody to take me. I don't ever remember anyone asking me if I had a good day. All these things I make sure to do with my kids. I do hover and I do notice the way I am. I had hardly any clothes when I was an adolescent. When I could, I bought my own or I swiped my moms clothes. I would be embarrassed because I wore the same clothes to school everyday. And it wasn't because we didn't have $. We did. It went for a new truck for my dad, a new boat for my dad and stuff for the house. My mom wouldn't buy me bras or monthly products unless I asked for them. Im always asking my dd if she needs anything. I just didn't feel like I was at the top of my moms priority list. And I overdue it with my kids because of it. They are #1 on my list. They have way to many clothes as an example. They are in alot of sports and extracurricular stuff. I have always been a person with low self esteem and take criticism extra hard. I do my best so my kids don't grow up feeling like I do. In some situations I clearly see when Im going to far.
I have made some changes though with them and my helicopter parenting. OCD meds have tremendously helped with the worry for them.
So it isn't always a cut and dry reason for parents who are like me. Usually there is a reason behind it linked to the parents upbringing, whether its right or wrong, thats my story.

 

[C.Ann]

Excellent article!

Ironically we just had an episode here at DD's last night with my 11 yr.old DGD.. She has a report that is "technically" due tomorrow - but she won't actually have to "do" her presentation until Friday.. (DGD is currently on the Principal's List - with about a 99.4 average.. Common for her elementary years, but better than expected since this is her first year in middle school..)

Anyhow - she had a half-day of school yesterday and in the course of a conversation with my DD, it came out that her power point presentation "wasn't quite done yet".. She "could" have done it at home yesterday afternoon, but somehow lost the resource code for the school server (which is how the power point presentation has to be done).. DD gave my DGD "the lecture" of course - about leaving things until the last minute - and then wanted to call the school to see if she could (A) Get the resource code - or (B) Take DGD over to the school and stay there in the library with her until she finished it.. DD asked me what to do and my reply was, "She's known about this since Thanksgiving vacation.. She can stay after school tomorrow to finish it and if she gets a lower grade than she normally would, maybe that will make a more lasting impression than you coming to her rescue.." At first she looked at me like I was nuts - then thought about how proud DGD is when she brings her report cards home - and decided to go with my "natural consequences" solution..

DGD stayed after school today and finished what she needed to do (rather than having her friend come home on the regular bus with her and playing until dinner time).. We won't know until Friday what her grade will be, but I'm pretty sure this will make a bigger impression on her than "mom" rushing to the rescue - if the grade isn't as high as DGD expected it to be..

I was always a big believer of "natural consequences" when I was raising my kids because if kids aren't allowed to make mistakes, be somewhat independent, make decisions on their own, and yes - even "fail" occasionally - they're going to be in one heck of a jam when they get out there in the "real world" where " excuses" don't cut it and "mom and dad" are unable to "rescue" them..

It's a fine line, but parents can draw the line between "overparenting" and "underparenting" - just takes common sense and the ability to always remain consistent when dealing with kids..

 

[ilovejack02]

Self-proclaimed heli here I think the reason I am that way is because I felt neglected as a kid. My parents worked so many hours, especially my mom. She was your typical career woman. Sometimes we didn't even see her on days she worked from 9am-9pm during the week. I did not have a close relationship with her and I felt kinda shoved to the side. She didn't help me with my homework or make me cookies or do things with me. She didn't get up with me for school and get me breakfast or give me lunch $, I had to get it myself out of her purse. I know I try to make up for that with my own children. They do everything I didn't as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends because I had to stay home and babysit younger brother and sister. I couldn't be is sports because there was nobody to take me. I don't ever remember anyone asking me if I had a good day. All these things I make sure to do with my kids. I do hover and I do notice the way I am. I had hardly any clothes when I was an adolescent. When I could, I bought my own or I swiped my moms clothes. I would be embarrassed because I wore the same clothes to school everyday. And it wasn't because we didn't have $. We did. It went for a new truck for my dad, a new boat for my dad and stuff for the house. My mom wouldn't buy me bras or monthly products unless I asked for them. Im always asking my dd if she needs anything. I just didn't feel like I was at the top of my moms priority list. And I overdue it with my kids because of it. They are #1 on my list. They have way to many clothes as an example. They are in alot of sports and extracurricular stuff. I have always been a person with low self esteem and take criticism extra hard. I do my best so my kids don't grow up feeling like I do. In some situations I clearly see when Im going to far.
I have made some changes though with them and my helicopter parenting. OCD meds have tremendously helped with the worry for them.
So it isn't always a cut and dry reason for parents who are like me. Usually there is a reason behind it linked to the parents upbringing, whether its right or wrong, thats my story.

Hugs to you.


Half your battle is admitting you have a problem isn't it ?
At least you acknowledge it, some people don't have a clue.

Good Luck on your continuing progress... I love my little guy and love doing things for him and buying him things, but at the end of the day I want him to be self sufficient too and If I give him everything and do everything for him, how will he ever learn?

Plus God forbid he be a PITA because he grew up as a momma's boy . Don't want anyone blaming that on me LOL!!

 

[disney1990]

I raised 2 daughters and my daughter is now raising 2 daughters (age 9 & 11). These girls go to the playground alone. They walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus alone. Yes, both places are blocks from their house and out of sight. They ride their bikes, they roller skate, they climb trees and play in the creek -- heck they even built a bridge over the creek with their Dad. They can go into mall and meet their Mom in an hour, while they go to another store to buy something. Yes, there are bad people out there, but statistics prove that it is no more dangerous today that it was 30 years ago. We just hear about it more because we are so "connected".

Parents sit beside their children, even in high school, to make sure that their science fair project is just right. Well, when they go to college, are you going to be proofreading their papers.

We see it here on the DIS board, "I have a problem with my child in high school", "my child in college", "my adult child's girlfriend or boyfriend". We don't let our children make and live by their own decisions.

My own daughters (25 and 33) are well adjusted and perfectly able to take care of themselves because we raised them to do so. Now that doesn't mean that they occasionally don't want help with something, but those instances are very, very rare. And, I am happy that my granddaughters are being raised with that same level of self confidence.

 

[C.Ann]

My late aunt was a hoot! LOL.. A real "no nosense" kind of mom.. I remember when her two DD's were little and one of them would say they were "too sick to go to school".. Her policy was - "If you're really too sick to go to school, you can stay home today.. If you're still sick tomorrow, you better be in intensive care.."

 

[2cats1kid]

Similar to the fencing comment, DD did karate for several years. If they were sparring and one took a punch to the face, the sensei had very little sympathy for tears. He'd just say "so where was your defence?" and carry on with the class. Sure toughened DD up. I remember several occasions where she was hurt but she bit her lip and carried on - saved her tears till she came out. Sometimes they have to take knocks (literal or figurative) in life and dust themselves off and get on with it.

Totally NOT a helicopter parent here.

 

[MiniGirl]

Probably because there are plenty of school districts that don't allow you to correct papers in red pen because it might damage their self-esteem. NO LIE. When I was teaching our district tried to pull this one, we sent buckets of red pens to the school board.

My logic/philosophy teacher in high school had a HUGE stamp with "BS" on it. It was kind of a right of passage to get an essay or test returned with a big red "BS" stamped on it. LOL!!!! Let's face it. We all did it, right? Anyway, my self-esteem was not damaged in any way the several times I had a paper returned with that infamous stamp on the front.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The article mentions a Texas school that requires background checks for classroom volunteers. My kids have gone to school in Kentucky and Massachusetts - both states had that same requirement. I thought it was a little over the top, but I just assumed all states did that now. Anyone else's school district do that?

I don't know about the public schools, but our church by order of the diocese (let's not go there, but you guys can figure it out!) requires all volunteers to be printed and the background checks. This is in response to an unfortunate ugly incidents, but now it protects everyone. This is required for any volunteer who will be working with children or the elderly.

I personally do not have issue with it given our church's history. But it doesn't phase me that a public school would require it. I don't consider that hovering. I consider that a rational safeguarding the children.

 

[clarabelle]

Self-proclaimed heli here I think the reason I am that way is because I felt neglected as a kid. My parents worked so many hours, especially my mom. She was your typical career woman. Sometimes we didn't even see her on days she worked from 9am-9pm during the week. I did not have a close relationship with her and I felt kinda shoved to the side. She didn't help me with my homework or make me cookies or do things with me. She didn't get up with me for school and get me breakfast or give me lunch $, I had to get it myself out of her purse. I know I try to make up for that with my own children. They do everything I didn't as a kid. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends because I had to stay home and babysit younger brother and sister. I couldn't be is sports because there was nobody to take me. I don't ever remember anyone asking me if I had a good day. All these things I make sure to do with my kids. I do hover and I do notice the way I am. I had hardly any clothes when I was an adolescent. When I could, I bought my own or I swiped my moms clothes. I would be embarrassed because I wore the same clothes to school everyday. And it wasn't because we didn't have $. We did. It went for a new truck for my dad, a new boat for my dad and stuff for the house. My mom wouldn't buy me bras or monthly products unless I asked for them. Im always asking my dd if she needs anything. I just didn't feel like I was at the top of my moms priority list. And I overdue it with my kids because of it. They are #1 on my list. They have way to many clothes as an example. They are in alot of sports and extracurricular stuff. I have always been a person with low self esteem and take criticism extra hard. I do my best so my kids don't grow up feeling like I do. In some situations I clearly see when Im going to far.
I have made some changes though with them and my helicopter parenting. OCD meds have tremendously helped with the worry for them.
So it isn't always a cut and dry reason for parents who are like me. Usually there is a reason behind it linked to the parents upbringing, whether its right or wrong, thats my story.

Aww
That is a sad story. I too try to make things different for my girls. My Mom was more involved that yours I think -but I felt "shoved to the side" a bit as well. No one ever asked me about my day -or told me they loved me.

So sometimes I go a bit overboard with my kids. I worry about them a lot.
More that I thought I would. Not just safety issues -but things like grades and friends. I think that "helicopter parenting" has it roots in many things -how we were parented and societal pressures.

Being a parent is tough -it is hard to find the right balance

 

[clovergirl5]

Hugs to you.


Half your battle is admitting you have a problem isn't it ?
At least you acknowledge it, some people don't have a clue.

Good Luck on your continuing progress... I love my little guy and love doing things for him and buying him things, but at the end of the day I want him to be self sufficient too and If I give him everything and do everything for him, how will he ever learn?

Plus God forbid he be a PITA because he grew up as a momma's boy . Don't want anyone blaming that on me LOL!!

Thank you....I agree with ds becoming a mommas boy.. definitely don't want that LOL.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think I need a membership in that "bad parent"club because...

I drop off my children at a friend's birthday party and I DON'T STAY WITH THEM.

I have one friend that is pretty non-helicopter--she provides alcohol at her children's birthday parties for the parents if they want to stay. She makes it a party for everybody.

The kids have their juice and the parents have theirs.

 

[clovergirl5]

Aww
That is a sad story. I too try to make things different for my girls. My Mom was more involved that yours I think -but I felt "shoved to the side" a bit as well. No one ever asked me about my day -or told me they loved me.

So sometimes I go a bit overboard with my kids. I worry about them a lot.
More that I thought I would. Not just safety issues -but things like grades and friends. I think that "helicopter parenting" has it roots in many things -how we were parented and societal pressures.

Being a parent is tough -it is hard to find the right balance

Totally agree...I can't remember ever being told I was loved either. I know they did, but a kid needs to hear it and feel it.