Helicopter Parents: The backlash against overparenting

Thanks for the article. The mom mentioned in the subway story has a web site called Free Range Kids that's very good as well.

I'd like to really do the "toy library" thing - meaning, I wish I had the right kind of storage space to do it in a practical way. DS has so many toys he forgets to play with them! (But then of course he gets all sentimental on me when I want to get rid of stuff.)

My question is - how do you back off when the organizations you deal with require you no to? Our school bus company, for example, says they are not allowed to let kids off the bus unless there is a parent at the bus stop. - DS is in 3rd grade, for goodness sake! - When I was in the 3rd grade, the bell rang, we left, and I walked 5 blocks home by myself. Now our kids are not allowed to walk from the bus to their doors? I can see the stop from my window - but instead of being able to use that short bit of independence to build their confidence, they're made to feel like babies. It's no wonder they expect us to do everything else for them too.


Us too! It bugs me! Mine is only 6, but I live one house down from the bus stop, but they won't let her off without me there. The last bus driver was more lenient. I'd just stand on the front porch, and he'd see me, but not this new one. Ugh.
 
My question is - how do you back off when the organizations you deal with require you no to? Our school bus company, for example, says they are not allowed to let kids off the bus unless there is a parent at the bus stop. - DS is in 3rd grade, for goodness sake! - When I was in the 3rd grade, the bell rang, we left, and I walked 5 blocks home by myself. Now our kids are not allowed to walk from the bus to their doors? I can see the stop from my window - but instead of being able to use that short bit of independence to build their confidence, they're made to feel like babies. It's no wonder they expect us to do everything else for them too.

Call the school and complain. I'm betting that this policy was implemented by some mommy complaining that her child was allowed to get off the bus without her being there.

Oh, and my dd walked to school from the time she was in 5th grade and we stopped using the before and after school latchkey program. ;) It's silly to think a child can't walk from the bus to their home in normal circumstances.

The hovering over college students really bothers me. I'm the mom of a college freshman and I'm really hands off. My job was to give her the tools to get along on her own and become an independent person--not to tie her to my apron strings and hobble her by not allowing her to take care of things on her own.
 
Us too! It bugs me! Mine is only 6, but I live one house down from the bus stop, but they won't let her off without me there. The last bus driver was more lenient. I'd just stand on the front porch, and he'd see me, but not this new one. Ugh.

Wow - in our district (no buses) the kindy and first grade teachers make sure a parent is there to pick up, but after that, they just leave the building. That's when mine start walking (together). Last month, ds6 had the flu for a week, so dd6 and dd8 just walked to and from school (about a 10 minute walk).
 
It's a bit humorous, that on this thread people are saying that kids should be able to walk a few blocks home. And I don't disagree; certainly I walked much farther to and from school as a child many years ago.

Then compare this: when those two young girls went missing back to back a few weeks ago, the parents were being lambasted in the threads for allowing their children to walk home alone.

A parent can't win.
 

BTW, since I'm involved with so many foster children, OVER beats UNDER. :sad1:

You're right, and the article even said that over involved parents are better than invisible ones. As a pp stated, it is about finding that balance.

My question is - how do you back off when the organizations you deal with require you no to? Our school bus company, for example, says they are not allowed to let kids off the bus unless there is a parent at the bus stop. - DS is in 3rd grade, for goodness sake! - When I was in the 3rd grade, the bell rang, we left, and I walked 5 blocks home by myself. Now our kids are not allowed to walk from the bus to their doors? I can see the stop from my window - but instead of being able to use that short bit of independence to build their confidence, they're made to feel like babies. It's no wonder they expect us to do everything else for them too.

I think this is when you need to take a pro-active approach and petition to have the rules changed. For example, try to make so that only K students need to have a gaurdian at the bus stop -- or something like that.

I liked the article, but I think it left out another important aspect of helicopter parenting. In general, when we think of this, we think the kids expect and want their parents hovering over them taking care of things, and that is not always the case. There is a woman in our neighborhood whose dd (going into 3rd grade) did not want to go to the open house and meet her teacher. Now this little girl loves school and is a good student. Eventually, she said she'd go but only if her dad brought her and mom stayed home. She was embarrassed and frustrated with how "involved" her mom was. That same year her 2 oldest sons (both college-age) decided to get an apartment and stay away at college over the summer and most of the long holidays. Why? Mom was too involved in their lives. They didn't want her hovering around while their girlfriends were over. They also wanted their grades and school corespondence to go to the new address because mom had been known to call different professors to ask about grades her sons had received. I don't know much about her youngest son, but he seems to barely tolerate her as well. By making her children and every aspect of their lives her SOLE focus, she alienated all of them. I find it really sad.
 
It's a bit humorous, that on this thread people are saying that kids should be able to walk a few blocks home. And I don't disagree; certainly I walked much farther to and from school as a child many years ago.

Then compare this: when those two young girls went missing back to back a few weeks ago, the parents were being lambasted in the threads for allowing their children to walk home alone.

A parent can't win.

That is so true. I don't presume to judge other people's parenting unless the children are OBVIOUSLY neglected or abused. I am sure some people see me as a helicopter and others think I am too permissive. I have been called both IRL.
 
I think the problem is, is many have stopped "allowing" the kids to make mistakes and require them to be perfect, and then when they can't be perfect they try to be perfect for them.
 
The picture is priceless:rotfl:

This is true but honestly, I've threatened to do that to my 3rd child when he starts school next year!!!! I'm paranoid as to what phone call I will get at the beginning of the year AND they do outdoor Ed.

Last year beginning of the year...call from the nurse before school even starts, your child got kicked in the eye on the playground -- I go get him & take him to ER since holy cow, the kid didn't just get kicked lightly that was some HUGE, HUGE blow to the eye. He still has a scar from it and he just looked lovely for a couple months while that shiner healed. Mostly his fault for walking BEHIND someone swinging on the monkey bars, the kid swung backwards, so no way for him to have known my kid wasn't thinking.

This year, beginning of the school year -- call from the nurse, your child and another child's head collided in gym, he lost a tooth but we found it -- as the dentist is poking around literally shoving the tooth back into place, found out a 2nd adult tooth was hanging on by a thread. We literally just got done with those repairs last week & it's still a possibility he will end up with root canals or losing those teeth completely by the time he's an adult since they were compromised. The other kid ended up with a staple in his head & back to school that afternoon. OK, I didn't send mine back even though the dentist said I could...I just drugged him up with Tylenol & let him play hooky.

I told him next year I'm wrapping him up with bubble wrap the beginning of the school year. So, I saw that picture and am thinking...yes...that's exactly what I need for August/September next year. Once October gets here we should be good to go. :lmao:

I figure I'm somewhere in the middle...although if you ask my DD, she will tell you I'm neurotic (DUH...don't all teens think there parents are neurotic??? I seem to recall thinking my parents were a pain when I was her age too!), of course, I have 4 kids and none of them seemed to read the same training manual...keeps me on my toes.

In reality, our area is pretty much an in the middle ground & I love it. It's just the right mixture. They haven't gotten too neurotic yet but still have some stuff in place. Kindergarten kids have to have parents meet them BUT 1st grade becomes a free for all -- the kids can walk home all by themselves if you want them too. They do have crossing guards though for the busier streets. Any of the kids can walk to school by themselves if you want them too, depending on how close I could easily see that (I think in the handbook technically they could leave for lunch too but no way would any kid have time to go home & come back in the allotted time unless they were next door to the school. That may have changed).

By High School if you need your kid to leave early for an appointment or something, you just write a note & you don't have to sign them out at all, they just come out to your car (or if they were old enough, drive themselves). It's up to them to get their passes and things. In grade school/Middle School you do have to walk in & sign them out. Now, if your kid doesn't show up for a class about an hour after it's started & the attendance line wasn't called, you will be getting a call.
 
Thanks for the article. The mom mentioned in the subway story has a web site called Free Range Kids that's very good as well.

I'd like to really do the "toy library" thing - meaning, I wish I had the right kind of storage space to do it in a practical way. DS has so many toys he forgets to play with them! (But then of course he gets all sentimental on me when I want to get rid of stuff.)

My question is - how do you back off when the organizations you deal with require you no to? Our school bus company, for example, says they are not allowed to let kids off the bus unless there is a parent at the bus stop. - DS is in 3rd grade, for goodness sake! - When I was in the 3rd grade, the bell rang, we left, and I walked 5 blocks home by myself. Now our kids are not allowed to walk from the bus to their doors? I can see the stop from my window - but instead of being able to use that short bit of independence to build their confidence, they're made to feel like babies. It's no wonder they expect us to do everything else for them too.

That's insane! When DS was in 3rd grade (just 4 years ago), that was the cut off for bus riding for him. He was JUST inside the 1 mile mark, which means as a 3rd grader, he no longer qualified to ride the bus. (I think this is a bit extreme too, and I usually drove him, especially in the winter, as he had to walk several blocks down a road with no sidewalk, and the cars don't care a bit about the 30mph speed limit by our house.)
 
I read this article in Time magazine last week and loved it! I've been talking for awhile about being a non-helicopter parent. My mom has been giving me advice on this since DD was born, and it really made a lot of sense. I'm a worrier by nature, but I've adapted well, I think, to parenting without hovering. I'm interested to check out the Free-Range kids info mentioned in the article.
 
I have always said that I am a horrible parent by today's standards. When DS was little I didn't let him win at board games. If he won, great! If not, well that is life. I was told I was wrong for doing that. I figured it taught him that we didn't always get our way. He has always been taught about consequences. I don't think I could be a helicopter parent. It takes too much energy.
 
i have the best helicopter parent story!

a woman my grandmother used to work with had a college aged daughter. the mom couldn't drive, and the daughter went to college about an hour away. on fridays after work, the mom would get a ride up to the college and STAY IN THE DORM WITH HER DAUGHTER ALL WEEKEND. every weekend. to keep her from going out and "partying" i guess. every weekend, for as long as she lived in dorms.
 
I read this a week or so ago but really didn't need to. Unfortunately it's the kids that suffer. The professors and administrators at the community college I work called them the same thing that the magazine does. TEACUP kids (especially the girls. Sorry but they are the worse). One little problem that simply requires some thought and they break apart like fragile teacups. I kid you not, I had one young lady hyperventilating because I corrected her paper in RED ink.

Even here on these boards, any body remember when Jedi training came out at HS? How many vents did we get because Little Suzy or Janey did not get picked and Disney really should change their policy becasue it just absolutely ruined the entire vacation?
 
BTW, since I'm involved with so many foster children, OVER beats UNDER. :sad1:

:thumbsup2 I agree with you. I would MUCH rather see a child overprotected (and perhaps a little messed up from it) than see a child neglected and SEVERELY messed up (or worse) from it! :sad1:

That said, there is a happy medium. I'm not about to move in at the dorm when my child starts college. There comes a time when you do have to let them go and see how they do. And hopefully that comes WELL before the first day of college!!
 
The article mentions a Texas school that requires background checks for classroom volunteers. My kids have gone to school in Kentucky and Massachusetts - both states had that same requirement. I thought it was a little over the top, but I just assumed all states did that now. Anyone else's school district do that?
 
I read this a week or so ago but really didn't need to. Unfortunately it's the kids that suffer. The professors and administrators at the community college I work called them the same thing that the magazine does. TEACUP kids (especially the girls. Sorry but they are the worse). One little problem that simply requires some thought and they break apart like fragile teacups. I kid you not, I had one young lady hyperventilating because I corrected her paper in RED ink.

Even here on these boards, any body remember when Jedi training came out at HS? How many vents did we get because Little Suzy or Janey did not get picked and Disney really should change their policy becasue it just absolutely ruined the entire vacation?

Probably because there are plenty of school districts that don't allow you to correct papers in red pen because it might damage their self-esteem. NO LIE. When I was teaching our district tried to pull this one, we sent buckets of red pens to the school board.

I love the "crispies" and "tea cups" though--perfect!!
 
Probably because there are plenty of school districts that don't allow you to correct papers in red pen because it might damage their self-esteem. NO LIE. When I was teaching our district tried to pull this one, we sent buckets of red pens to the school board.

That's interesting - now that I think of it, all of my kids' schoolwork is corrected in green pen. I never thought that there could be an actual policy behind it.
 
I think I need a membership in that "bad parent"club because...

I drop off my children at a friend's birthday party and I DON'T STAY WITH THEM.

I let my chilren walk or ride their bikes to school and we live 9 blocks away.

I let my children go to the park with their friends.

I tell them to go play outside w/ friends for at least 1 hour each day.

My kids are 11 & 7 and I loved reading that article
 
I think I need a membership in that "bad parent"club because...

I drop off my children at a friend's birthday party and I DON'T STAY WITH THEM.

I let my chilren walk or ride their bikes to school and we live 9 blocks away.

I let my children go to the park with their friends.

I tell them to go play outside w/ friends for at least 1 hour each day.

My kids are 11 & 7 and I loved reading that article

Me too. :) Maybe it's a WI thing? ;)
 
I think I need a membership in that "bad parent"club because...

I drop off my children at a friend's birthday party and I DON'T STAY WITH THEM.

I let my chilren walk or ride their bikes to school and we live 9 blocks away.

I let my children go to the park with their friends.

I tell them to go play outside w/ friends for at least 1 hour each day.

My kids are 11 & 7 and I loved reading that article

Me too. :) Maybe it's a WI thing? ;)

Me three. It must be a WI and MT thing. :)

I can add one to your list.
Whenever one of my kids falls down or runs into a wall or otherwise damages themselves and is howling, I give them the quick look-over to be sure they aren't seriously injured then pat them on the head and tell them "No blood? No bones? You're fine! Go play!"

I now have kids capable of picking themselves up and dusting themselves off and carrying on.

One day, however, the 6 yr old repeated this mantra to one of her little friends, who looked at her like she had lost her mind, and kept on howling. :rotfl:
 











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