Heartbroken

[BeStillMyHeart]

we toss loose change into containers too (not for any set purpose-but it does add up for vacations ) but we don't have a hard and fast rule that it ALL has to go into the container. i often have change set aside for the expressed purpose of parking meters, the car wash or other things that take change. dh will stockpile quarters because that's what the vending machine for coffee takes. if we tossed all the 'loose change' into the container it would actualy cause us to spend more.

btw-(and not to flame) but while you're upset at your dh for saying it's his money vs. both of yours, you told him 'it's the kid's money' not both of yours or the entire family's. (any chance he may be offended that your child is going through his belongings and retrieving change? while we have the change jar in our home our kids would never think to go onto an adults bureau and collect it-and they certainly don't have the impression it's their money).

No, not at all. It is routine that the kids get the change from the dresser themselves. I even put the change that I accumulate throughout the day there too since it is a sort of tradition that before bed, they go and retrieve it, count it out and place it in the container. We call it the kids money since the majority of who it is spent on is on them. But we do buy our souveniers from it, snacks etc. Last night DD retrieved the change and noticed a cup she made him had some change too. DH has a habit of throwing pennies in a different container since he knows DS can only count by ones.

 

[BeStillMyHeart]

Does the husband receive any spending money from his paycheck? Sounds like he is resentful of where all the extra money is going? Does he even want to go to disneyworld? Time to sit down and talk about what's on his mind. I'm sorry that you are hurting and hope the issues can be resolved quickly.

Yes, he does. Religiously.

Do I? No

 

[inaminute]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

DH and I have come to a compromise that may help. I work from home but make nowhere near as much as he makes, so our situation is similar.

He saves any change that comes out of his pockets. If it's on his dresser, I don't touch it. He can do whatever he wants with it.

Any other change found anywhere else in the house or cars is fair game. I make a sweep every day and pick it up and put it in the jar. That reminds me, we're going to WDW next week and it's time to empty that jar!

 

[Tybug]

He didn't say "I work and you don't so all the money is mine." He said, "I work and this money is mine," right? The way it sounds, you were basically grabbing a tiny amount of money he had set aside and telling him what to do with it. It doesn't sound as if he does this to you (although I may be wrong)--why would you do that to him? If my DH had tried to insist upon what I did with my change, I'd think he was pretty controlling.

I think you're making too much out of a little bit of change.

This would be my thought as well. I think you owe him an apology just as much as he owes you one.

 

[Tybug]

Yes, he does. Religiously.

Do I? No

By reading this comment and the one further up about his friends... I'd venture a guess that the change is not the main thing you are upset about.

 

[JunieJay]

Sounds to me like you staying home with the kids might be becoming a burden to your husband, especially if he is normally not like this about money.

Sometimes our vows to stay at home with the kids have to be altered. There are worse things than two parents working, or not being able to go on vacation in order for one parent to stay at home.

Or maybe he is just being a grouch. Mine gets like that sometimes.

Good luck to you, I hope it works out for you and your family.

 

[ChrisLei]

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem the OP is all that upset about the change and where it goes - but the fact that he threw the whole "I work and it's MY money" routine in her face..

He easily could have said, "I'm saving it for something special" and left out the "I work and it's MY money" part..

When I wasn't working and DH was, he used to keep some money aside and never, ever said to me "I work and it's MY money"..

There needs to be a serious discussion in that household regarding money to avoid hurtful things being said in the future..

I have to agree with C. Ann. It seems as though she is upset about the hurtful words more so than the change.

Everyone is mentioning, Oh It's Just Change. But she has a point. I am also a SAHM. I do the change jar too. I don't think that OP DH is realizing that the more money is accumulated it means paying cash at Disney without placing the purchases on a credit card with the blasted interest .

I know we were happy during our last trip when we returned and had absolutely no credit card debt. My suggestion would be, if he doesn't want to continue contributing to the jar, then be sure to tell him on the trip the very moment the cash was depleted so that he is aware from then on of every purchase he had to charge and he can think that it could have been paid in cash had the collection continued, lol.

OP. Most men undervalue the work we do.

 

[ChrisLei]

This would be my thought as well. I think you owe him an apology just as much as he owes you one.

I think she mentioned that they agreed that any change would go in the jar. Seems he went back on thier agreement without sitting and discussing it. By the sounds if it, he felt since he is the breadwinner he can make the choice and since she doesnt work, she has no say.

 

[Tybug]

Yes, he does. Religiously.

Do I? No

I think she mentioned that they agreed that any change would go in the jar. Seems he went back on thier agreement without sitting and discussing it. By the sounds if it, he felt since he is the breadwinner he can make the choice and since she doesnt work, she has no say.

I can understand the agreement and being upset about going back on it. But, I feel like she was talking to him in a controlling manner and also laughing about it. Instead, she should have realized when he said it a second time that he was upset about something and then tried to talk to him about it. But that's not what happened. She pushed the issue without wavering on her grounds until it pushed him to say something hurtful. So yes, I feel she owes him an apology as well. I also feel like a conversation needs to happen to find out what he's really upset about... as I doubt it's over a little bit of change...

 

[BeStillMyHeart]

By reading this comment and the one further up about his friends... I'd venture a guess that the change is not the main thing you are upset about.

I overhear what the friends say while they think I am out of earshot. "Marriage is for losers", " How can you stay married this long???", "I do what I want, when I want, AINT No Woman going to tell me what to do." Very Malchovanious (sp?) So yes it bothers me when his friends (who just so happen to be Disney experts since they do a guys only trip and are on here in the evenings) when they have the capability to see what I write.

It doesn't bother me not having a set amount of money to count on from week to week. Of course I would love to have it. But I live simply and know how much running a household cost. I make do.

 

[Blondiex46]

a shame that you are surprised by the comment, I think most men think that, am I wrong?

 

[Mkrop]

Is he stressed? DH is 99% supportive of me staying home with the kids until work gets crazy then all of sudden things come to a head and he may make a comment similar to what your DH said. I doubt it is about change$$$ or if he needs or wants you to go back to work but sometimes I think the weight of being the sole breadwinner does weigh heavily. I ask him later if we are still on the same page and usually when he calms down he says yes we are. He also somtimes gets in his moods when I dont get certain things done in a day (he is not a control freak) but then I usually point out to him how he loves to do his "projects' when I am out of the house and he has the kids to deal with or I tell him that he can gladly do the shopping with 2kids in tow and that you usually quiets him right up

I think the comment hurt the OP more than anything else. You need to talk when everyone can just chill

 

[Bob Slydell]

OP. Most men undervalue the work we do.

And most women make too many generalizations about most men.

 

[barkley]

And most women make too many generalizations about most men.

ITA.

an in all honesty i see it go both ways an awful lot. for every sahp i know that voices that their works out the home partner/spouse does'nt appreciate or value the work they do, i know just as many works out the home partners/spouses that feel the same way.

i've been on both sides of the fence (with dh trading off on being the sahp when i worked outside the home) and while i think both 'jobs' are equally hard-when i was the one upon whom the household was reliant for the physical paycheck, i felt allot more stress-because i knew that 'we' (dh and i) would'nt have the choice of one of us being a sahp if there was'nt the necessary income to facilitate it (honest to god-one of the biggest concerns i had and many other people i know have who are in this position is the impact a potential job loss or drop in income will have not on them personaly-but on the sahp).

 

[ChrisLei]

Is he stressed? DH is 99% supportive of me staying home with the kids until work gets crazy then all of sudden things come to a head and he may make a comment similar to what your DH said. I doubt it is about change$$$ or if he needs or wants you to go back to work but sometimes I think the weight of being the sole breadwinner does weigh heavily. I ask him later if we are still on the same page and usually when he calms down he says yes we are. He also somtimes gets in his moods when I dont get certain things done in a day (he is not a control freak) but then I usually point out to him how he loves to do his "projects' when I am out of the house and he has the kids to deal with or I tell him that he can gladly do the shopping with 2kids in tow and that you usually quiets him right up

I think the comment hurt the OP more than anything else. You need to talk when everyone can just chill

Mine too. Mine is the type that if there is an issue at work, he doesn't want to mention it to me since he knows I will start stressing and thinking about dusting off the old business suit. For now in our household things are tight. I am studying for my masters in education and like OP I don't get a set amount. But there are certain sacrifices we make. I know that someday soon things will be better. But as they say, you can't get these childhood years back.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I would be FURIOUS and there would be a huge blow-out over that BS in this house, lemme tell ya. Dh works for pay, yes; but I work even harder at home, and he dang well knows it! He made a few comments about it being HIS money (not as bad as your dh's, but still) early on when I started to stay home with our son, and I nipped that right in the bud. I said, if you want to put your kid in daycare so I can go out and get a job paying MORE than you make, be my guest. If not, shut it, and I don't ever want to hear you say it's YOUR money again! Since then, he has realized that it's truly OUR money. I mean, I do the budget, pay the bills, make the plans, etc., so if it's not also mine, there's something fishy going on! If I were you, I'd consider this to be a very serious issue and talk to your dh about it. Counseling, maybe, if he won't see the light? Either way, I wouldn't let it go. My dh has NO control over me and no more say over our finances than I have. Actually, in practice he has much less, but that's because he has chosen to let me take over everything (and I'm really good at it). I would never stay in a relationship where the other person thought I was his subordinate just because he gets a paycheck and I don't.

 

[LadyShiva]

I can understand the agreement and being upset about going back on it. But, I feel like she was talking to him in a controlling manner and also laughing about it. Instead, she should have realized when he said it a second time that he was upset about something and then tried to talk to him about it. But that's not what happened. She pushed the issue without wavering on her grounds until it pushed him to say something hurtful. So yes, I feel she owes him an apology as well. I also feel like a conversation needs to happen to find out what he's really upset about... as I doubt it's over a little bit of change...

I'm tracing your post and I interpret "it pushed him to say something hurtful" as it was her fault he chose to be hurtful.

Is that a correct interpretation?

Brandie

 

[robinb]

I can understand the agreement and being upset about going back on it. But, I feel like she was talking to him in a controlling manner and also laughing about it. Instead, she should have realized when he said it a second time that he was upset about something and then tried to talk to him about it. But that's not what happened. She pushed the issue without wavering on her grounds until it pushed him to say something hurtful. So yes, I feel she owes him an apology as well. I also feel like a conversation needs to happen to find out what he's really upset about... as I doubt it's over a little bit of change...

That was my take on it too. It seems that the OP's DH decided that they had enough change set aside and that they were done saving for Disney. The OP said "no" and that they would continue to collect change for Disney. She got mad at him for starting his own change jar and pushed him to do things her way. He barked at her and now her feelings are hurt.

OP: I hope that you can both talk and listen to your DH and work things out so you are no longer "heartbroken". FWIW, I completely understand how it feels to be a SAHM living off the largess of your husband.

 

[GrowingUpDisney]

I am sorry you had this situation come up. I would suggest COMMUNICATION when the kids are not around. Not yelling or arguing, but real communication. A calm and rational discussion.

Hope everything works out ok.

BTW - Don't listen to what others think. It is not their family and you have to do what is best for your family.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Yes, he does. Religiously.

Do I? No

That's a BIG problem. You have to feel that you can spend on you if you want to. A reasonable amount, that you can afford, is NOT too much to ask. Even $20...just so you have some money you can call your own and not have to worry about justifying your purchase. I buy anything I want or need, anytime, without "permission" from my dh for any of it. He knows I do the budget and I will be realistic about what we can afford. We have no credit cards, so I literally can't buy it unless we have the money in the bank, anyway. Now, do I buy stuff for myself often? No, not really. I just bought some summer shorts and shirts because they were on sale and I was in desperate need of some, but as a general rule I buy for ds or even dh. But if I felt like I couldn't buy anything for myself, that would be totally unacceptable to me in my marriage. I'm not a slave! I'm an equal partner in this relationship. You should feel that you have some spending money for things you want or need and NOT feel guilty for it! The funny part is, because I do the budget, my dh will come to me and ask me if we can afford for him to buy something he wants, lol. He did make a complaint the other day that I bought 2 CDs for myself and he hasn't bought one in a few months. I said, well, you didn't say you wanted to. If you want to, go buy it! Just give me the receipt so I can budget that in. I think sometimes he WANTS to complain but he knows he really can't, so he says lame things like that once in a while. You and your dh decided together that you would be a SAHM, right? So he needs to realize that this is part of the deal. He still has to treat you like a human being, an equal, and his PARTNER in marriage and parenting. If he doesn't, you have a serious issue to work out!
Maybe the change comment was just him being grouchy and inappropriate that one time, but coupled with the fact that you don't seem to have much input in the finances at all, it sends up red flags for me, personally. JMO.