Heartbroken

[BeStillMyHeart]

A little background:

I am a stay at home mom, a decision that both DH and I agreed to do in order to assure that our children will always have a parent home. Especially since we were apart from our DD#1 with no way to get home on 9/11/01, we vowed that one of us would never work that far away from home again.

We have a vacation planned for November. Now in order to make the burden of saving spending money easier for us, I got the idea from the budget board to save all the loose change we have at the end of the day and throw it in a bucket. We did this last time we went on vacation and in 10 months managed to save $480. We started at the one year mark this time around. Since the can was getting very heavy I took the kids to the bank and had them cash in the change to this point. $360! Wonderful! Apparently DH feels that that is enough spending money for a 10 day trip. I told him no, we would continue saving change.

Yesterday, DD went to grab the change from the dresser and she noticed that there was a cup with change too. She said "Mom this change is for the Disney bank too?" DH quickly said "No, that is my savings." I laughed and said "You can't use the change that goes to the Disney bank for a separate thing, we agreed". He said "You better not touch that because that is mine." So I said "What are you taking that change for?", and he stated he has no clue yet. So I said "Well, you can save for what you want with that idea once we return from Disney." He abruptly stated looking me square in the eye "Don't you guys touch that money, that is MY MONEY." I laughed and said "Any change in this house is the kids money", and he said "NO it is MY MONEY. YOU HEAR, I WORK It Is MY MONEY."

I could not believe that he said that. We have been married for 11 years, I thought everything was OURS. Since when is things MINE? Hearing him say that was like a slap in the face. Here I am doing things for US. I try to make things easier for US. And to think that he goes to work and thinks of things as HIS, and HIS alone.

Sorry this is so long. I don't want to bother my friends at work. And I did this Anon because his friends come on.

 

[C.Ann]

Can't say I blame you.. I would be pretty ticked off too..

Maybe you should go on "strike" for a couple of weeks.. When nothing gets done he'll quickly learn that you do work - and if you're like most stay-at-home parents, I can pretty much guarantee that you work many more hours than he does..

 

[mickeyboat]

To be honest, I don't blame your DH for being a little defensive because you are being bossy about where the change goes.

When he said he thought you had enough spending money, you said no that he was to keep putting all the change in the fund - no discussion, no compromise. How would that have made you feel?

No, he should not have brought up the "I am the breadwinner" argument. But it is clear you guys have some money issues that need to be discussed.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[holycow]

Oh, I don't blame you for being heart broken. That is very sad. You need to sit down with DH when your kids are in bed and have a heart to heart talk. It sounds like you may need to go back to work. Especially with the attitude he has.

Hugs...

HC

 

[Maleficent13]

Well, to be devil's advocate, it is his money too...and you were telling him he couldn't save it if he wanted to.

 

[KristinBelle]

My first thought was maybe he's trying to save it for a surprise present for you.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Does the husband receive any spending money from his paycheck? Sounds like he is resentful of where all the extra money is going? Does he even want to go to disneyworld? Time to sit down and talk about what's on his mind. I'm sorry that you are hurting and hope the issues can be resolved quickly.

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

Well, to be devil's advocate, it is his money too...and you were telling him he couldn't save it if he wanted to.

I agree.

DH saves change too. Some goes towards Disney, but then he uses some for whatever (be it a video game, movie, etc). He doesn't have a plan on what he's saving for, but decides after he cashes it in.

I don't think your DH should have brought up that he works and you don't (because you do) but I don't think it should be a big deal if he wants to save his change for something other than WDW.

 

[pearlieq]

I'm so sorry. I have a friend going through the same thing now, and I can't imagine how hard it is.

He's totally out of line to throw out the whole "I work, it's MY money" thing. There needs to be a serious discussion about that, because he's basically devaluing you and treating you like a child or employee.

But on the other hand, it sounds like you weren't giving him any say in what happened to the money. And that's not good either. It should be something you two work out jointly.

Once everything's worked out, maybe you two can reach an agreement where you both get some pocket money that yours to do with as you please, no questions asked.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I can't believe you created an alias for this.

Seriously, if you're getting this worked up over what amounts to a couple bucks, I'd guess you might have some bigger issues that you might need to work through with your husband.

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

Well, to be devil's advocate, it is his money too...and you were telling him he couldn't save it if he wanted to.

I was thinking the same thing

 

[Evil Genius]

Sounds like your dh was having an off night. He's probably feeling the way you are, that he does everything for all of you and he wants a little something just for himself. It's change for pete's sake. Now if this escalates to other things, then you need to talk.

 

[KristinBelle]

I can't believe you created an alias for this.

Seriously, if you're getting this worked up over what amounts to a couple bucks, I'd guess you might have some bigger issues that you might need to work through with your husband.

I'm going to have to agree here, it sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Let it go.

 

[BeStillMyHeart]

To be honest, I don't blame your DH for being a little defensive because you are being bossy about where the change goes.

When he said he thought you had enough spending money, you said no that he was to keep putting all the change in the fund - no discussion, no compromise. How would that have made you feel?

No, he should not have brought up the "I am the breadwinner" argument. But it is clear you guys have some money issues that need to be discussed.

Good luck.

Denae

I wouldn't consider it being bossy since it is what we agreed we would do. I explained when he said that is enough that this time we are going for twice as long (Disney onsite and Cruise). We go on vacation every 2-3 years because we have to save for it. We would have money issues if we did it yearly. I would say we live within our means.

 

[C.Ann]

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem the OP is all that upset about the change and where it goes - but the fact that he threw the whole "I work and it's MY money" routine in her face..

He easily could have said, "I'm saving it for something special" and left out the "I work and it's MY money" part..

When I wasn't working and DH was, he used to keep some money aside and never, ever said to me "I work and it's MY money"..

There needs to be a serious discussion in that household regarding money to avoid hurtful things being said in the future..

 

[BeStillMyHeart]

I can't believe you created an alias for this.

Seriously, if you're getting this worked up over what amounts to a couple bucks, I'd guess you might have some bigger issues that you might need to work through with your husband.

I did the ALIAS to keep away from his NOSEY little DIVORCED friends who would be happy to see us having issues.

 

[barkley]

we toss loose change into containers too (not for any set purpose-but it does add up for vacations ) but we don't have a hard and fast rule that it ALL has to go into the container. i often have change set aside for the expressed purpose of parking meters, the car wash or other things that take change. dh will stockpile quarters because that's what the vending machine for coffee takes. if we tossed all the 'loose change' into the container it would actualy cause us to spend more.

btw-(and not to flame) but while you're upset at your dh for saying it's his money vs. both of yours, you told him 'it's the kid's money' not both of yours or the entire family's. (any chance he may be offended that your child is going through his belongings and retrieving change? while we have the change jar in our home our kids would never think to go onto an adults bureau and collect it-and they certainly don't have the impression it's their money).

 

[BeStillMyHeart]

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem the OP is all that upset about the change and where it goes - but the fact that he threw the whole "I work and it's MY money" routine in her face..

He easily could have said, "I'm saving it for something special" and left out the "I work and it's MY money" part..

When I wasn't working and DH was, he used to keep some money aside and never, ever said to me "I work and it's MY money"..

There needs to be a serious discussion in that household regarding money to avoid hurtful things being said in the future..

EXACTLY!!!! It wasn't about the change, it was the words thrown in my face.

 

[NMAmy]

He didn't say "I work and you don't so all the money is mine." He said, "I work and this money is mine," right? The way it sounds, you were basically grabbing a tiny amount of money he had set aside and telling him what to do with it. It doesn't sound as if he does this to you (although I may be wrong)--why would you do that to him? If my DH had tried to insist upon what I did with my change, I'd think he was pretty controlling.

I think you're making too much out of a little bit of change.

 

[LadyShiva]

I have to agree with the off-night comment. Doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss it, but if he doesn't normally say such things, that gives it a little bit of a pass.

Bring it up when you both have time to sit down and talk, because an apology is required. Maybe from both of you.

Hubby once threw the "I bring home the money and you spend it!" comment. He admitted later that it was a dumb thing to say... His reason to think it was a dumb comment, though, rather shocked me... He thought it was dumb only because I make more than he does, not because it seemed disrespectful or hurtful! He isn't resentful of me making more, though. He was just tired, cranky, and fed up with only doing what I wanted to do for vacations at the time he made the comment. A part of it was just feeling pestered about vacationing. He's a workaholic.

Do a cool-down period for you both and then bring up the comment later in as loving a manner as possible.

Brandie