Hear me out on this...

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Intimacy is the key to this. With everyone you know there is a certain level of intimacy that you attach to the relationship. Friends are at one level and people that you are attracted to and want a deeper relationship with are at another. Personally with men, I never developed any sort of level of intimacy and connection that was deeper than friendship. Well, let me clarify this by stating that I have been proposed to by 3 men in my life before the age of 25. The would-be-husbands were all ready to get married and thought that we were ready for it and I just never felt that there was enough of a connection to warrant that sort of commitment. I also am in that group of women that has never had any sort of sexual relationship with men. I never felt that any of those hetero relationships in my younger days were worthy of it. I just didn't feel the connection or the desire to take things further at all.

Now, with women, not all women, but with the women that I have been in long term relationships with, the level of intimacy and connection has far exceeded anything that I ever felt with any man. Sex is something that happens, of course, but when you look at a relationship, let's face it, we all spend more time being companions to each other than we spend being lovers. Sex has it's place, but it's not the end all and be all of a long term committed relationship. I have a soul mate and her name is Corey. We have been together almost 9 years. I am still crazy in love with the woman.

For me, it's about levels of intimacy. Guys are great. I have a lot of great guy friends, but I have never really understood what all the fuss was about in trying to forge a deep soul relationship with one of those man types. lol

 

[Tigger&Belle]

ok, how about this one...
How did you know you were gay?
So its more than a s3x thing, more of a love feeling toward the same sex? That is one I just dont get.

I'm probably not the person to explain this one since I'm still trying to figure myself out.

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

It's pretty easy.

Your attracted to people of the same sex. Nothing more than that.

When did most of us "figure it out"?

Puberty, the same time you started feeling that weird way when you saw people that you were attracted to.

I don't think it's totally about attraction. I consider myself to be 100% lesbian, but I can acknowledge the beauty of a good looking man. I don't necessarily want to go beyond that point, but I will say that Brad Pitt with long hair & Don Diamont are two of the best looking men on the planet. I can say that I am attracted to their drop dead gorgeous good looks, but I wouldn't want to do anything other than just look at 'em. lol

 

[OrlandoMike]

I don't think it's totally about attraction. I consider myself to be 100% lesbian, but I can acknowledge the beauty of a good looking man. I don't necessarily want to go beyond that point, but I will say that Brad Pitt with long hair & Don Diamont are two of the best looking men on the planet. I can say that I am attracted to their drop dead gorgeous good looks, but I wouldn't want to do anything other than just look at 'em. lol

Agreed. I can spot a good looking woman at 100 paces, but I don't feel myself attracted to her.

 

[NikkiPants]

Oddly enough, the summer I was going into my sophomore year of college I went to WDW with 2 of my friends. It was hot. It was rainy. And it was full of gays! My friends and I said "Jeez, there are a lot of people here with red shirts." We are, first of all, a very liberal group of people, with maybe every 2/3 of us being gay and we're from Boston. So none of us every really realized it was during gay days until my friend noticed a man who told me my hair was fabulous. I told him he was fabulous and we all continued our ways. She noticed he was gay.

Overall, it's pretty much just like any other gathering. Most homosexuals aren't like running around groping eachother for fun...haha. The funny part of the story is that I'M the token lesbian in the group, and I didn't even notice. Although that may be just how I am.

 

[rpmdfw]

I knew that I was "different" at a very early age. Like around 5. I always knew that I wasn't like the other kids. I prefered to play with girls instead of boys and I didn't like to do anything that approached competition or athletics.

Around the age of 12, I realized that I "liked boys" but kept it to myself for several years.

 

[smartestnumber5]

ok, how about this one...
How did you know you were gay?
So its more than a s3x thing, more of a love feeling toward the same sex? That is one I just dont get.

I think it's different for everyone. Every gay/lesbian/bisexual person I know has a different story and a different time that they knew.

A lot of my friends (people in their 20s mostly) who are lesbians or gay men seemed to realize by the beginning of high school. Many of them have told me that they started to realize that they just didn't have the feelings or interest in the opposite sex that everyone assumed they had, and they realized that they did have those kinds of feelings for members of the same sex. How they reacted tends to differ with age. Many of the younger ones accepted it and started the process of coming out to friends and family during high school. Many of the older ones or the ones with families who they thought might throw them out or cut them off financially hid it for as long as possible or even tried to suppress it in themselves. But I get the sense that a lot of my friends "figured it out" when everyone else around them began to become seriously interested sexually and romantically in the opposite sex and they were lacking those feelings.

I am bisexual (attracted to and in principle interested in men and women, but in a relationship right now with another woman) so my experience was quite different. I was raised like most gay/lesbian/bi people with the idea of me being anything other than heterosexual never presented as a possibility. I don't remember my parents (or really even my other family members) expressing any anti-gay views, but they just seemed to have an attitude that homosexuality/bisexuality is something that happens to other people--kind of like a rare illness or winning the lottery--"sure it happens, but not to anyone we know." (Actually like in most people's cases homosexuality/bisexuality was always closer to them than they knew. My dad is a very working-class, tough, hands always covered in grease from working on a car/heater/air conditioner kind of guy. He has a friend--call him Bob--who had the same background, same tough, dirty hands kind of appearance owned a transmission shop where he worked on cars for most of his life. He was married to a woman (two kids) for about 20 years. They got divorced and suddenly this guy moved in with another man--my mom and I were suspicious that he was more than just friends with the roommate right away, but my dad said, "No, no. I've known Bob since we were kids. He was married for 20 years. No way is he into men!" Well apparently Bob is into men, because he and his male partner have been together for more than 5 years now. I don't know if Bob is bisexual or gay--I'm not sure if he knew while he was married, or only figured it out after the divorce. But it just goes to show, everyone's story is different.)

But anyway, being that I am bisexual, I did not have the experience in early high school of lacking the kinds of feelings toward the opposite sex that most of my peers seemed to be exhibiting. Like most of my friends, I was interested in boys; now at this time I did have some inkling of being interested in girls too, but I just chalked that up to admiring pretty girls because I wanted to be like them as opposed to being attracted to them. I think because heterosexuality is assumed to be the norm and parents, school and friends never acted as if there was any other possibility--I had no motivation to question anything. I figured I was supposed to be interested in boys and I was. I had some strange feelings for girls too, but I figured that must just be the way girls usually feel--admiring each others looks and forming really emotionally close friendships.

I think by the time I was graduating high school (and my peer group and I had a little experience with sex and relationships) I had figured out that I was sexually interested in other woman. But I didn't really know what that meant for me--did I want to date women? Did I want to date men? (At that point I hadn't really done much dating at all.) Was I really a lesbian? Was I really bisexual? Was I really a straight girl who just found the idea of sex with women intriguing?

Shortly I did become sexually involved with a woman and I felt pretty much the same way about it as I did when I had been involved with a man cheer2: ) and so that pretty much sealed it for me--I figured "apparently I'm bisexual--or at least, I'm sexually interested in both men and women." A few years later I met GF and I fell in love with her. I've never seriously dated a man but the way I feel about it is that the sex of a person doesn't matter to me. I can't imagine that if GF had a different body but her same personality I would feel any differently about her. So I suspect that in terms of emotional connections male/female wouldn't matter to me.

For me, I think I definitely could have been a person who only discovered that I was interested in women when I was middle-aged if things had gone differently. What if my family had been vehemently anti-gay--perhaps that would have caused me not to admit my feelings even to myself. Or what if I had been born 30 years earlier, during a time when admitting one was interested in the same-sex was a much more rare and potentially dangerous thing than it is today--maybe I would have just kept quiet so as to avoid persecution. Or maybe if at the age of 16 I had fallen madly in love with a boy and we had stayed together for years and years I would have just kept on assuming "well I must be straight because I'm in a relationship with a man" and never thought much more about it. Who knows.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

For me, I think I definitely could have been a person who only discovered that I was interested in women when I was middle-aged if things had gone differently. What if my family had been vehemently anti-gay--perhaps that would have caused me not to admit my feelings even to myself. Or what if I had been born 30 years earlier, during a time when admitting one was interested in the same-sex was a much more rare and potentially dangerous thing than it is today--maybe I would have just kept quiet so as to avoid persecution. Or maybe if at the age of 16 I had fallen madly in love with a boy and we had stayed together for years and years I would have just kept on assuming "well I must be straight because I'm in a relationship with a man" and never thought much more about it. Who knows.

You're describing me right now, for better and for worse. Sometimes I wish I'd never figured this out about myself, but then again I'd be missing out on a very loving relationship. I have to hope and assume that things are working out the way they are for a reason. Hard when I have let so many people down, however "To Thine Own Self Be True" is what I believe. That was my 17yo DS's Hamlet quote that he had to repeat to his English teacher a couple weeks ago...and how true the saying is.

 

[padalyn]

ok, how about this one...
How did you know you were gay?
So its more than a s3x thing, more of a love feeling toward the same sex? That is one I just dont get.

How did you know you are hetero? I could ask you the same question - by noticing that someone attracted you in a way that others didn't. I liked the way Anne Hesch (spelling?) described her walk on our side...she made a comment that she saw Melissa Etheridge from across the room and suddenly the gender was unimportant.

I dated men for years, finally realized, as one poster stated, that the intimacy wasn't there. I liked relations with men - I just have and always will find women much more interesting. physically and emotionally. I suspect that gay men feel the same way about men but that is just a guess!

So, as far as "knowing" one is gay - that is a deeply personal journey. As much as exploring your sexuality was. We just face a few more obsticles (again spelling - I've been at work for the last for 28 hrs - my apologies for the typos!)

Society has made it a bit more difficult for us to explore ourselves. it is much easier now then it was 25 years ago. Boards like this - where folks such as yourself can come and ask questions to gain insight make it better for all of us!

There are a few books that explore the concepts, lesbians have been accepted in society for many more years then gay men have. Women who never married and had "roommates" were never really seen as a threat by most I guess. Also - women often express themselves with a hug or kiss in public - never a second glance. Men have a lot harder I think.

 

[wallyb]

ok, how about this one...
How did you know you were gay?

I heard a Donna Summer Song and
something just "snapped!"

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I heard a Donna Summer Song and
something just "snapped!"

Thank you for the laugh!

 

[zulemara]

Intimacy is the key to this. With everyone you know there is a certain level of intimacy that you attach to the relationship. Friends are at one level and people that you are attracted to and want a deeper relationship with are at another. Personally with men, I never developed any sort of level of intimacy and connection that was deeper than friendship. Well, let me clarify this by stating that I have been proposed to by 3 men in my life before the age of 25. The would-be-husbands were all ready to get married and thought that we were ready for it and I just never felt that there was enough of a connection to warrant that sort of commitment. I also am in that group of women that has never had any sort of sexual relationship with men. I never felt that any of those hetero relationships in my younger days were worthy of it. I just didn't feel the connection or the desire to take things further at all.

Now, with women, not all women, but with the women that I have been in long term relationships with, the level of intimacy and connection has far exceeded anything that I ever felt with any man. Sex is something that happens, of course, but when you look at a relationship, let's face it, we all spend more time being companions to each other than we spend being lovers. Sex has it's place, but it's not the end all and be all of a long term committed relationship. I have a soul mate and her name is Corey. We have been together almost 9 years. I am still crazy in love with the woman.

For me, it's about levels of intimacy. Guys are great. I have a lot of great guy friends, but I have never really understood what all the fuss was about in trying to forge a deep soul relationship with one of those man types. lol

That's exactly how I feel. I'm bisexual in the fact that I could ::maybe:: have sex with a woman but I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with one(just like a bunch of straight guys I know )
I have had relationships with girls and sex with girls and neither one pleased me. I am much happier with DBF than I could ever be with a woman. 2.75 years and counting!

 

[NikkiPants]

ok, how about this one...
How did you know you were gay?
So its more than a s3x thing, more of a love feeling toward the same sex? That is one I just dont get.

I was just never attracted to males!

 

[wallyb]

Thank you for the laugh!

That's me - the Shecky Greene of the DIS board!
Bada Bing.

 

[InfernoGirl]

ok, with saying that. Are you saying there are people out there that could be bi or gay just hiding from themselves? Not being true to themselves? HUM maybe that is why some are scared or bash. They are scared of themselves?

Ok how about this question, to society a family is husband, wife and kid(s) not husband and husband or wife and wife. What do you say to them?

I will say I am learning alot. I am still open to meet a few if your there while we are. Perhaps a drink at PI, we plan on one night. We like the adventures club havent been for years.

who knows i might wear a red shirt...Never thought I would become open minded perhaps its because I am getting older.

 

[DVCajun]

ok, with saying that. Are you saying there are people out there that could be bi or gay just hiding from themselves? Not being true to themselves? HUM maybe that is why some are scared or bash. They are scared of themselves?

That's exactly what we're saying. We live in a homophobic society. People will go to great lengths to fit in and not piss of the rest of the population. Those of us that are "out" deserve a round of applause, because it's not an easy path. Many of us stay in the closet as married "straight" people forever. It's pretty sad.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

ok, with saying that. Are you saying there are people out there that could be bi or gay just hiding from themselves? Not being true to themselves? HUM maybe that is why some are scared or bash. They are scared of themselves?

Wow! That is some SERIOUS insight! Well Done, YOU!

Ok how about this question, to society a family is husband, wife and kid(s) not husband and husband or wife and wife. What do you say to them?

I'd say -- a family is what you make it; think for a minute about blended straight families (step-siblings...half-siblings... congenial ex-spouses... etc. The permutations go on and on )

I will say I am learning alot. I am still open to meet a few if your there while we are. Perhaps a drink at PI, we plan on one night. We like the adventures club havent been for years.

Quite a number of AC fans here. If I were going to be there, I'd be tickled to meetcha!

who knows i might wear a red shirt...Never thought I would become open minded perhaps its because I am getting older.

AWESOME!!!!! I am officially all verklempt now.
As I was driving home from work this evening and listening to the news, amid all the other sadness and misery in the world right now, I heard the wing-nuts in my state are trying to get the "One Man / One Woman Marriage Constitutional Amendment back on this year's ballot again. It makes me so sad that anyone could be so heartless & small-minded as to deny others a fundamental right like marrying somebody they love. Mr Infernogirl, I want you to know that your post has given me a little ray of hope that maybe if people really listened (like you did ), we can change the world. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

 

[ConcKahuna]

ok, with saying that. Are you saying there are people out there that could be bi or gay just hiding from themselves? Not being true to themselves? HUM maybe that is why some are scared or bash. They are scared of themselves?

Ok how about this question, to society a family is husband, wife and kid(s) not husband and husband or wife and wife. What do you say to them?

I will say I am learning alot. I am still open to meet a few if your there while we are. Perhaps a drink at PI, we plan on one night. We like the adventures club havent been for years.

who knows i might wear a red shirt...Never thought I would become open minded perhaps its because I am getting older.

Before I came out to myself, I was a horrible gay-basher. I hated myself for being gay (to the point of being suicidal), and so I hated all other gays and blamed them for it.

Knox (CanadianGuy) will be down that week too, and he and I will probably be at PI every night that week, so keep and touch and we can exchange cell numbers before you guys leave to make plans!

Also, if not a red shirt there's always other options like
http://www.cafepress.com/gayapparel.30827969

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

That's me - the Shecky Greene of the DIS board!
Bada Bing.

Were your arms tired from flying in from the coast??? (Geeesh! that guy was before MY time. I suddenly find I have a strong desire for foundation garments, a martini, and menthol cigarettes...)

 

[InfernoGirl]

So, I just read the entire thread which took me awhile. At first I was like "oh my gosh, I am so going to kick his butt when I get home tonite. I can't believe that he is posting such crap, that is not my opinion." Then I read on and was so proud of him for "stepping up" and taking the heat for his own comments. "I love you hun" Believe me when I say that he doesn't always say the right things in the right manner. I am so glad to see that he is "exploring" and learning. For all we know, one of our boys could turn out to be gay and with a better understanding, he would be more able to accept it. If that makes any sense.

I on the other hand, have no problem with others sexuality. I was not brought up in a family that talked about gays. I had lesbian friends in high school and they were just that "friends".

Thanks for those who gave us the answer to tell our son if he asks questions. DH and I just talked about that the other day and we joked about it, sorry. I think that when the time comes we will be ready for it and the answer will come natural to us.

I can't wait till June

Thanks to everyone,