He won't propose!

[Art 1]

You seem to young, wait another 5 years, or so.

 

[thankudrivethru]

We do openly communicate. It's just nice to get feedback from other people in other situations, or hear from others who have been in a similar situation. I'm not asking if he loves me or is committed to me, I'm just asking how other people have gotten through this awkward in-between phase.

i would sat down and had a serious talk with my DBF.

 

[LiveYourLife]

OP, I may have missed this, but are you an Educator as well?

 

[emilily88]

Ask him straight out " do you want to get married" " do you really want to marry me?" " do you want to get married in June?" go on, see what he says

Yep, I have done that, he always says yes. Ugh!

 

[Nancy]

OK, being the Mom of a 25 year old I am just going to tell you what I would say to her if she was telling me these things.

If you are mature enough to get married, if you really love this person and want to spend the rest of your life with him: the good, the bad and the ugly. If you do, then you need to sit down and TALK to him!

You need to be a grown up and lay it on the table. If you can not even discuss this one thing like adults and make a definite plan then your marriage if it happen is going to be in trouble.


There should be no awkward in between phase..you are either getting married or you are not. So, you need to sit him down and just say "I 100 % need to know if we are getting married and when it will be. We have talked about June but I need a concrete date". You don't need a ring, you don't need the huge romantic proposal..those are nice but not everyone gets one.


And all that said there would be no way in you know what that I would be going in halfsies on anything until I was 100 % sure there was going to be a wedding.

 

[emilily88]

OP, I may have missed this, but are you an Educator as well?

No, just him

 

[thankudrivethru]

Yep, I have done that, he always says yes. Ugh!

Well men say things to just say them because they think it's what we want to hear.

So again you need to get the honest truth from him.. i can tell you how i see it but you won't like it

 

[TinkerBelled]

Yes. Do I want to? Well not particularly. But I would be willing to.

I won't write a hugely long thing this time: promise. It's just that the more you explain it, the more I recognize myself in your words. I know what it feels like to feel slightly out of control about your future, and I know what you mean about wanting the marriage, just because you really, really want to be married to the person you love and you're so excited to start your life together.

I can only imagine that if you're waiting to live together until you get married, that feeling is more acute. So, for what it's worth, it happened to me, I tried to be patient (but didn't always succeed), and it all worked out beautifully. My previous post about this has more details, but here's the takeaway point: it's totally possible that he's ready to get married and he's planning a proposal. It's also possible that he's not ready to propose. But if that's the case, it doesn't mean that he won't, or that he doesn't love you madly--it can simply mean that he's processing. I've been in your shoes, and it worked out for me.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, don't let anyone here get you down. You are young and in love, you have been with your boyfriend for 4 years, its natural to want to move to the next step, which in your case is marriage. Its normal to want a wedding celebration too, I hope some of these posters aren't making you feel guilty over things they probably felt too but are too old to remember it


Oh and I don't think you are too young, I married my dh a month after I turned 23, he was 26. We weren't even together 4 years before we were married. We moved in together a year after we started dating, then 6 months later he proposed, then 8 months later we were married. We just celebrated our 17th Anniversary.

 

[emilily88]

I won't write a hugely long thing this time: promise. It's just that the more you explain it, the more I recognize myself in your words. I know what it feels like to feel slightly out of control about your future, and I know what you mean about wanting the marriage, just because you really, really want to be married to the person you love and you're so excited to start your life together. I can only imagine that if you're waiting to live together until you get married, that feeling is more acute. So, for what it's worth, it happened to me, I tried to be patient (but didn't always succeed), and it all worked out beautifully. My previous post about this has more details, but here's the takeaway point: it's totally possible that he's ready to get married and he's planning a proposal. It's also possible that he's not ready to propose. But if that's the case, it doesn't mean that he won't, or that he doesn't love you madly--it can simply mean that he's processing. I've been in your shoes, and it worked out for me.

Thank you! That is exactly it - I am just excited to start our life. I love what you said at the end about him needing to process, maybe that's all it is. I know he loves me, it's just the next step that hasn't happened yet that is driving me nuts

 

[emilily88]

OP, don't let anyone here get you down. You are young and in love, you have been with your boyfriend for 4 years, its natural to want to move to the next step, which in your case is marriage. Its normal to want a wedding celebration too, I hope some of these posters aren't making you feel guilty over things they probably felt too but are too old to remember it Oh and I don't think you are too young, I married my dh a month after I turned 23, he was 26. We weren't even together 4 years before we were married. We moved in together a year after we started dating, then 6 months later he proposed, then 8 months later we were married. We just celebrated our 17th Anniversary.

Thank you for the encouragement! I don't feel too young at all - we are in a great place in our relationship and we have been through a lot of stuff together, both good and bad, so I have fill faith in our relationship. I appreciate your kind words

 

[USMelinUK]

It all boils down to me being impatient and helpless in this situation. I'm a very independent person and used to getting what I want, because I work for it. It's hard for me to have a goal and know that I am not the one who affects if/when it happens. Has nothing to do with me not trusting him, it's just that when I see something I want, I go for it, but I can't do that in this situation.

Emilily, this is a regular theme in successful marriages. Being able to sit down and truly communicate, and discuss what both of your goals, wants, needs, ect are for the future, and for next week is such a big part of what makes a marriage work long term.

Please, please do yourself a favor here and either sit down with no distractions and don't leave the room till you are both on the same exact page on this, or put it aside and give it till 2015 or whenever. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I know that when you wrote the start of this thread you were hoping people would have a different set of advice and reaction to your words, but sometimes when you ask a question you get a very different response to the one you wanted. This is way to hugely important to get wrong. I promise you from my own very hard learned experience, that the heartache of ending a marriage for any reason is not something you want to put yourself through. And I was with my ex for 10 years before we got married, and I would have bet you anything that it would last. But getting married because it's the next step, or what we do now, is never the best reason. You need to get married because both of you can't imagine not doing it. Both of you want to be married more than anything in the world to the other one. Want to see the other one across the breakfast table every day for the rest of your lives... Marriage is hard enough without going into it without total commitment on both parts. Make sure he wants it as much as you do. Don't take for granted you know what's in his head....

I truly wish you all the luck in the world.

Mel

 

[thankudrivethru]

you just need to talk to him face to face.

 

[Cinderumbrella]

Thank you! That is exactly it - I am just excited to start our life. I love what you said at the end about him needing to process, maybe that's all it is. I know he loves me, it's just the next step that hasn't happened yet that is driving me nuts

THEN TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT!!

That is all us "old married folks" are trying to tell you.

 

[Planogirl]

I would stop the planning and remove the pressure. Let him make the next move. He might just surprise you if you give him a chance. If not, he might not be ready but pushing him won't tell you much.

You can certainly talk to him without the pressure. Leave dates and "I need to know right know because..." stuff out of it.

 

[thankudrivethru]

THEN TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT!!

That is all us "old married folks" are trying to tell you.

Yep. And if it was me my mom would have said " he doesn't want to marry you"

she just needs to talk to him and then let us know that we are all wrong

 

[LiveYourLife]

You need to go talk to him right now. Ask him straight out " do you want to get married" " do you really want to marry me?" " do you want to get married in June?"

go on, see what he says

Yep, I have done that, he always says yes. Ugh!

Well, one thing is for sure, your DBF knows the meaning of the word placate!

OP, you have gotten some VERY GOOD advice here, however, it is not what you want to hear because for the most part you have a: "But, but, but...." response for everyone. If you are looking for other people who are in the same boat as you are, there is a forum on The Knot for those who are "Not yet
engaged". That might be a better group to "vent" to.

Best wishes, OP

 

[lisaviolet]

I must be missing something. I'm sorry to laugh but I just can't seem to understand this part. Maybe I need to go back and read again.

I get that you've both talked about being married. Got it.

I'm just confused about the June. How do you get an approximate wedding date without a proposal? Did he actually say "yes, I think June would be good" or "sounds good" or *okay* to you saying June at some point. Or is *June* just in your head?

I'm sorry but I'm not getting that part.

 

[emilily88]

I must be missing something. I'm sorry to laugh but I just can't seem to understand this part. Maybe I need to go back and read again. I get that you've both talked about being married. Got it. I'm just confused about the June. How do you get an approximate wedding date without a proposal? Did he actually say "yes, I think June would be good" or "sounds good" or *okay* to you saying June at some point. Or is *June* just in your head? I'm sorry but I'm not getting that part.

We decided on a specific date together.

 

[skatalite]

Hey, emilililililily. Slow your roll. June comes around every year, like clockwork.