Having a very hard time with DS going off to college

[LisaR]

Hey guys, need to share something that makes me so sad. I know it is all in the process of the "emerging adult" but it is a tough pill to swallow. DS has sent some info to DH via text and a lot of the stuff is "guy" stuff. I get that, but what is added on is "don't tell mom". I feel very left out, and in a way feel as if I am a nuisance to him. I KNOW he does need to separate and find his way. I get that. I know that is the way it should be, he is very independent and he will be so successful in life, I am very happy and proud of that. I am just so incredibly sad that he isn't including me in his day to day stuff like he is others. He told me that this past summer he was sad to realize we don't have much in common anymore. That was devastating as it was mentioned right after we took our trip out to California. We do have some stuff, I love to hear his take on politics and he likes to share that, we both love history and watching movies together, but we are limited in sharing any of that now since he is gone. I would love to hear how school is going, when we do talk I ask questions because he is a man of few words and I am trying to get him to talk about things with me. But I guess I am asking too many questions and need to back off. I already have backed off so much, I don't text or call him. I let him be the one to contact me, I am trying to give him his space that he needs, just feels like it still isn't enough and that he really doesn't want any part of me. I sure hope that isn't the case, but right now I am feeling it.

It doesn't help that DD and I have been fighting the past 2 days about her grades and schoolwork. I have felt like crap about the fighting, we can both be stubborn and we are getting no where fast arguing the same points in a circle. And these have been big time blow up fights with tears.

Also doesn't help that tomorrow is his birthday.

He is coming home this weekend, first time home, I was thrilled, and couldn't wait, now I am cautious as I don't want to get my hopes up for a great weekend, and maybe it will be more of the above.

right now I am just sitting here crying, tears are rolling down my cheeks, feeling very alone, sad, questioning my parenting of both kids and just feeling terrible & miserable

I almost didn't want to post this, because it is so filled with raw emotion, and not sure if it is "OK" to feel like this, but I do and I decided to post, you guys have been so supportive and understanding. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and we can help each other.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I don't have any great words of wisdom. They didn't give us an owners manual on raising our emerging adults. I wish they did!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Hey guys, need to share something that makes me so sad. I know it is all in the process of the "emerging adult" but it is a tough pill to swallow. DS has sent some info to DH via text and a lot of the stuff is "guy" stuff. I get that, but what is added on is "don't tell mom". I feel very left out, and in a way feel as if I am a nuisance to him. I KNOW he does need to separate and find his way. I get that. I know that is the way it should be, he is very independent and he will be so successful in life, I am very happy and proud of that. I am just so incredibly sad that he isn't including me in his day to day stuff like he is others. He told me that this past summer he was sad to realize we don't have much in common anymore. That was devastating as it was mentioned right after we took our trip out to California. We do have some stuff, I love to hear his take on politics and he likes to share that, we both love history and watching movies together, but we are limited in sharing any of that now since he is gone. I would love to hear how school is going, when we do talk I ask questions because he is a man of few words and I am trying to get him to talk about things with me. But I guess I am asking too many questions and need to back off. I already have backed off so much, I don't text or call him. I let him be the one to contact me, I am trying to give him his space that he needs, just feels like it still isn't enough and that he really doesn't want any part of me. I sure hope that isn't the case, but right now I am feeling it.

It doesn't help that DD and I have been fighting the past 2 days about her grades and schoolwork. I have felt like crap about the fighting, we can both be stubborn and we are getting no where fast arguing the same points in a circle. And these have been big time blow up fights with tears.

Also doesn't help that tomorrow is his birthday.

He is coming home this weekend, first time home, I was thrilled, and couldn't wait, now I am cautious as I don't want to get my hopes up for a great weekend, and maybe it will be more of the above.

right now I am just sitting here crying, tears are rolling down my cheeks, feeling very alone, sad, questioning my parenting of both kids and just feeling terrible & miserable

I almost didn't want to post this, because it is so filled with raw emotion, and not sure if it is "OK" to feel like this, but I do and I decided to post, you guys have been so supportive and understanding. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and we can help each other.

My son told me last year I was asking him too many questions and it was frustrating to him. It hurt a lot. I had to back off and accept that he doesn't have my personality of an open book. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is for me not to share so many detailed things with all of you because I know an internet search could produce my posts. It already has and the comment made was "you've been busy".

Anyway, Although I can't give much advise cause I don't know you or your son, but I can say I understand raw feelings. Recent weeks I've experienced some pretty raw feelings. Some life changing decisions and unfortunately there is more to come in the next 6 months. Very hard.

I heard this morning of a 19 year old student from my son's college was killed in a car accident. Apparently he went home for the long weekend. As I was looking for the information, I found police reports of shootings, muggings and other crimes in the town that my son's college is in. Makes me want to go and get him and lock him in his room here at home.

But we can't do that and we have to understand that it's ok for our sons to not want us to know everything. I know I didn't tell my mother everything once I went off to college. There were just some things that would make her worry for nothing. And that is probably what he meant by telling your husband to not tell you. The good news is he is telling your husband so it can't be all that bad. Honestly it's a compliment that he cares that much to not want you to worry.

Wait wasn't it you that said you are on a blood thinner? Do you have health issues that maybe your son is trying to not stress you?

I wish I had words of wisdom but I'm having my own tough frustrated feelings tonight. Not over that son but over a situation coming up and my own worry about a family situation that is not in my control. sigh.

I guess I should get myself ready for bed.

I'll say some prayers for you.
hugs!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

It is one of those growing up things.

Ds in his second year of college and has communicated a lot more with dh than me via text and face to face and phone.

He has come home just once so far and won't be home until thanksgiving.

He matured so much in the last year (even grew an inch or two). He's definitely not the same guy he was senior year or when he left home. I miss that guy, but am proud of the emerging man I see and will get to know again.

They tell you all about the early parenting years but not so much as they get older. It's a lot of learning as we go. Hang in there mom. This too shall pass.

Nicely put. I was trying to say that.

 

[HERSEY]

Hey guys, need to share something that makes me so sad. I know it is all in the process of the "emerging adult" but it is a tough pill to swallow. DS has sent some info to DH via text and a lot of the stuff is "guy" stuff. I get that, but what is added on is "don't tell mom". I feel very left out, and in a way feel as if I am a nuisance to him. I KNOW he does need to separate and find his way. I get that. I know that is the way it should be, he is very independent and he will be so successful in life, I am very happy and proud of that. I am just so incredibly sad that he isn't including me in his day to day stuff like he is others. He told me that this past summer he was sad to realize we don't have much in common anymore. That was devastating as it was mentioned right after we took our trip out to California. We do have some stuff, I love to hear his take on politics and he likes to share that, we both love history and watching movies together, but we are limited in sharing any of that now since he is gone. I would love to hear how school is going, when we do talk I ask questions because he is a man of few words and I am trying to get him to talk about things with me. But I guess I am asking too many questions and need to back off. I already have backed off so much, I don't text or call him. I let him be the one to contact me, I am trying to give him his space that he needs, just feels like it still isn't enough and that he really doesn't want any part of me. I sure hope that isn't the case, but right now I am feeling it.

It doesn't help that DD and I have been fighting the past 2 days about her grades and schoolwork. I have felt like crap about the fighting, we can both be stubborn and we are getting no where fast arguing the same points in a circle. And these have been big time blow up fights with tears.

Also doesn't help that tomorrow is his birthday.

He is coming home this weekend, first time home, I was thrilled, and couldn't wait, now I am cautious as I don't want to get my hopes up for a great weekend, and maybe it will be more of the above.

right now I am just sitting here crying, tears are rolling down my cheeks, feeling very alone, sad, questioning my parenting of both kids and just feeling terrible & miserable

I almost didn't want to post this, because it is so filled with raw emotion, and not sure if it is "OK" to feel like this, but I do and I decided to post, you guys have been so supportive and understanding. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and we can help each other.

I echo everyone else here. I sure could use a book of what to do. I seem to be a poster child of what not to do. My son is coming home this weekend. He is taking his first flight without me. I am worrying about him finding his way around the airport. Yeah I know He will do just fine. He found his way around campus I should just relax but I am not ready for him to be totally self sufficient. My son for the last year especially has been pulling back from me. I miss hearing every thought that popped in his head. When he does share his thoughts I am blown away on how much thought has put into some things.

Again I am glad we have one another to bounce our thoughts and fears off one another before our kids get it.

 

[PlutoPony]

My son told me last year I was asking him too many questions and it was frustrating to him.

I have a real tendency to do the same thing. Most of the time my son and I can laugh about it but it's an issue from time to time. For us, we find texting works well so when I text too many questions he'll just reply to a few and leave the others unanswered. That's my clue that I went over the line and need to back off. He understands if it's something I really NEED feedback on I will come back to it a 2nd time and we go from there. At this point I'm getting used to having less info than I did in high school , we'll see how communication goes when he's home this weekend for the first time.

Hang in there everyone!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

I have a real tendency to do the same thing. Most of the time my son and I can laugh about it but it's an issue from time to time. For us, we find texting works well so when I text too many questions he'll just reply to a few and leave the others unanswered. That's my clue that I went over the line and need to back off. He understands if it's something I really NEED feedback on I will come back to it a 2nd time and we go from there. At this point I'm getting used to having less info than I did in high school , we'll see how communication goes when he's home this weekend for the first time.

Hang in there everyone!

Funny about the text message thing. Us too. I've learned he won't even respond if I ask more than 1 general question. I warn him if it's a pressing question and tell him we will need a phone conversation.
And the big don't bother to ask question is in regard to school work and grades. I've backed off and he is doing well.

So hard. We are women and we definitely think different than them. And the desire for an emotionally close relationship with them is not the same for them. Why didn't I realize that as my husband gets bend over my questions and desire for emotional connection too. They are just wired so different than us. And I assume in the mother/daughter relationship, daughters push back because they want to figure it out on their own also. But when the emotional needs for emotional satisfaction comes about, they will come to us. Then again I don't have a daughter so who knows. In my situation I didn't have a sister or a best friend to confide in like that so when I approached my mother she would push back.

We just don't win. Wish some of you lived near me and we could talk face to face over coffee on some of this.

Off to do life.

 

[luvavacation]

Boys pushing away must be a universal thing.

I have a dear friend that went to pick her son up from college for his October break last week, after not seeing him since he had been dropped off in August. She was expecting hugs and kisses because her son had always been loving and affectionate with his mom. After coming home from working out of town, then driving 2.5 hours from the airport to get him, all she got was a boy plopping into the back seat and falling asleep. No "Hi mom", no hug, nothing. She was so hurt, and pondered leaving him on the side of the road, but drove him home anyway. Boys!

Princess Vija, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt and left out, but as another poster said, at least he is sharing with his father, so he is still coming to the family for support. As hard as it is not to feel left out and unwanted, perhaps this is just a natural progression for boys, to feel a need to discuss things with dad because moms are too emotional, even when we try not to be? Hurts either way, but at least your raised him to still come to a parent for advice, so he does value his family, in his own way.

And don't worry about fighting with your DD about the grades and schoolwork. My eldest was my emotional one that is also a terrible procrastinator, so despite her intelligence, she didn't always perform to the level one would expect. This summer, as she approaches marriage and has talks with her fiance on raising future children, she realized that pushing your children to succeed to the best of their abilities is not to torture them, but to have every door open when it is time to move on to their future. She said she has told her fiance (whose parents never pushed him and were hands-off in most things) that they will expect their children to do homework and both of them will be sitting at the kitchen table night after night if that is what it takes to help their children do well.

I was so surprised, because I know she was very angry with me so many times while she was here in school, and felt it was very unfair of me to expect her to stay on top of her schoolwork and study for tests. Now, after graduating University and entering Grad school, she finds that her parents were right, and she wants to raise her children the way she was raised! This almost makes all those tears I shed while hiding in the shower after arguing with her years ago worth it!

I guess what I am trying to say is that, years from now, when the children are out in the world and getting ready to have their own families, they might just realize that we did do some things right, and if we are lucky, they may even tell us! Until then, we just have to power through, and as long as we are motivated by what is in the best interests of our children, we should not feel like failures.

And if stepping back and letting our children grow on their own a bit when they leave the nest is what is best, no matter how our hearts break because we may feel pushed aside, then it is what must be done. This doesn't mean one is a bad parent, or that the child doesn't love you anymore, but rather that the child has been given the tools to grow into adulthood by you, and now the child is ready to try and grow.

Of course that is all easier said than done! My own DD, the one that was going to call us every night, hasn't called since she arrived back at the dorm after her visit home on Sunday! She has texted sporadically, and I sent her pictures of her cat this morning to make sure she is still alive. She responded with "cute" so I guess she lives.

My husband says he misses her voice. Gosh darn it, doesn't that girl realize that we want to talk on the phone to actually hear her, not just text? I know, I am old, I just don't understand how people communicate anymore. At least my oldest understands now, because she actually texts to tell us to Skype, which is even better than a phone call! I guess my youngest is pulling away in her own way, but in 5 years, maybe she too will miss us more and decided to Skype instead of text!

Chin up, parents. And remember, even if there had been an owner's manual when they were born, telling us what to do at this stage, odds are our children would be doing the opposite. I know my own never read the "What To Do When..." books, so they didn't know what was expected at what age and stage and constantly perplexed me because they didn't follow what the book said.

Heck, my own dogs haven't read the dog training books, and don't realize that when I say something and they are supposed to do "A", doing "B" instead is the wrong answer! If I can't get my dogs to blindly follow my every desire, I suppose my children won't either!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Boys pushing away must be a universal thing.

I have a dear friend that went to pick her son up from college for his October break last week, after not seeing him since he had been dropped off in August. She was expecting hugs and kisses because her son had always been loving and affectionate with his mom. After coming home from working out of town, then driving 2.5 hours from the airport to get him, all she got was a boy plopping into the back seat and falling asleep. No "Hi mom", no hug, nothing. She was so hurt, and pondered leaving him on the side of the road, but drove him home anyway. Boys!

Princess Vija, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt and left out, but as another poster said, at least he is sharing with his father, so he is still coming to the family for support. As hard as it is not to feel left out and unwanted, perhaps this is just a natural progression for boys, to feel a need to discuss things with dad because moms are too emotional, even when we try not to be? Hurts either way, but at least your raised him to still come to a parent for advice, so he does value his family, in his own way.

And don't worry about fighting with your DD about the grades and schoolwork. My eldest was my emotional one that is also a terrible procrastinator, so despite her intelligence, she didn't always perform to the level one would expect. This summer, as she approaches marriage and has talks with her fiance on raising future children, she realized that pushing your children to succeed to the best of their abilities is not to torture them, but to have every door open when it is time to move on to their future. She said she has told her fiance (whose parents never pushed him and were hands-off in most things) that they will expect their children to do homework and both of them will be sitting at the kitchen table night after night if that is what it takes to help their children do well.

I was so surprised, because I know she was very angry with me so many times while she was here in school, and felt it was very unfair of me to expect her to stay on top of her schoolwork and study for tests. Now, after graduating University and entering Grad school, she finds that her parents were right, and she wants to raise her children the way she was raised! This almost makes all those tears I shed while hiding in the shower after arguing with her years ago worth it!

I guess what I am trying to say is that, years from now, when the children are out in the world and getting ready to have their own families, they might just realize that we did do some things right, and if we are lucky, they may even tell us! Until then, we just have to power through, and as long as we are motivated by what is in the best interests of our children, we should not feel like failures.

And if stepping back and letting our children grow on their own a bit when they leave the nest is what is best, no matter how our hearts break because we may feel pushed aside, then it is what must be done. This doesn't mean one is a bad parent, or that the child doesn't love you anymore, but rather that the child has been given the tools to grow into adulthood by you, and now the child is ready to try and grow.

Of course that is all easier said than done! My own DD, the one that was going to call us every night, hasn't called since she arrived back at the dorm after her visit home on Sunday! She has texted sporadically, and I sent her pictures of her cat this morning to make sure she is still alive. She responded with "cute" so I guess she lives.

My husband says he misses her voice. Gosh darn it, doesn't that girl realize that we want to talk on the phone to actually hear her, not just text? I know, I am old, I just don't understand how people communicate anymore. At least my oldest understands now, because she actually texts to tell us to Skype, which is even better than a phone call! I guess my youngest is pulling away in her own way, but in 5 years, maybe she too will miss us more and decided to Skype instead of text!

Chin up, parents. And remember, even if there had been an owner's manual when they were born, telling us what to do at this stage, odds are our children would be doing the opposite. I know my own never read the "What To Do When..." books, so they didn't know what was expected at what age and stage and constantly perplexed me because they didn't follow what the book said.

Heck, my own dogs haven't read the dog training books, and don't realize that when I say something and they are supposed to do "A", doing "B" instead is the wrong answer! If I can't get my dogs to blindly follow my every desire, I suppose my children won't either!

I feel so supported and related to.
Thanks everyone.
Now if you have advise on Husbands and inlaws..........
For the first time this past week I really paid attention to the song "Man in the Mirror" and I'm trying to stop focusing on what I can't do or have and focus on what is working and what I can do and embracing what relationships I do have and what is working. sigh. That's a mouth full and tough.

 

[mom2rtk]

Could she switch to an apartment for the winter semester? I know her BFF won't be there, but some people just aren't cut out for dorm living. I know I wasn't! Life was much better for me when I was in an apartment.

This was in response to StacyMarie. I just wanted to second what Lisa said. I felt like a duck out of water living in the dorm. Once I got off campus my sophomore year, I felt SO much better. I know that won't help the boyfriend situation, but it's entirely possible there's more than one factor at play here. Delay enough, and who knows.... the boyfriend situation could take care of itself.

So I got the dreaded 4am phone call on Friday night. It started off with, "Mom, I'm okay......." but I could tell by her voice that she was very rattled.

The story goes like this:
DD and her GF went to a party. DD drove so she was not drinking. The GF nursed one beer the whole night so she was fine.

However, some girl they didn't know got trashed at the party. When the girl became out of control, most people cleared out. DD and her GF plus three guys stayed to help this girl.

She was vomiting, passing out, shaking, etc. They didn't know what to do. The guys felt she just needed to sleep it off. They were concerned that if they told an RA or called for an ambulance, they would get in trouble for underage drinking.

DD and the GF had the guys carry the girl to DD's car and the two of them drove her to the hospital.

DD and her GF were so shaken up. They didn't know if they were going to get in trouble and be forced to tell them where they had been. They didn't know if the girl really needed medical care. They had a million thoughts going through their heads.

Thankfully, the staff at the hospital was wonderful. The nurse actually hugged both girls and told them they did the right thing. The girl did not have alcohol poisoning, but was only one step away from that. She was severely dehydrated and the nurse said she had a medical alert necklace and her condition could have left her with some serious problems if left untreated (she didn't tell them what the alert was for).

Anyway, DD called me when she got back to her dorm because she couldn't sleep. We talked for awhile until she was feeling calmer. She said they were never leaving their dorm rooms again. We'll see how long that lasts!

We are teasing DD and calling her Florance Nightingale now. In her first week there she stopped some guy who was drunk from driving. I'm not sure where she got her caring and compassion from. I assure you, it wasn't from me! I'm afraid I just stepped over people who were in that condition when I was in college. Thankfully, she is turning out to be a much better 18 y/o than I was!

Yep, she sure is getting an education......an eye opening one!

Oh MY! I'll just echo what I've said before Lisa. You really have raised a daughter with her head on straight. How lucky that girl was to have your daughter close by. And how AWFUL that those other kids just scattered!

Hey guys, need to share something that makes me so sad. I know it is all in the process of the "emerging adult" but it is a tough pill to swallow. DS has sent some info to DH via text and a lot of the stuff is "guy" stuff. I get that, but what is added on is "don't tell mom". I feel very left out, and in a way feel as if I am a nuisance to him. I KNOW he does need to separate and find his way. I get that. I know that is the way it should be, he is very independent and he will be so successful in life, I am very happy and proud of that. I am just so incredibly sad that he isn't including me in his day to day stuff like he is others. He told me that this past summer he was sad to realize we don't have much in common anymore. That was devastating as it was mentioned right after we took our trip out to California. We do have some stuff, I love to hear his take on politics and he likes to share that, we both love history and watching movies together, but we are limited in sharing any of that now since he is gone. I would love to hear how school is going, when we do talk I ask questions because he is a man of few words and I am trying to get him to talk about things with me. But I guess I am asking too many questions and need to back off. I already have backed off so much, I don't text or call him. I let him be the one to contact me, I am trying to give him his space that he needs, just feels like it still isn't enough and that he really doesn't want any part of me. I sure hope that isn't the case, but right now I am feeling it.

It doesn't help that DD and I have been fighting the past 2 days about her grades and schoolwork. I have felt like crap about the fighting, we can both be stubborn and we are getting no where fast arguing the same points in a circle. And these have been big time blow up fights with tears.

Also doesn't help that tomorrow is his birthday.

He is coming home this weekend, first time home, I was thrilled, and couldn't wait, now I am cautious as I don't want to get my hopes up for a great weekend, and maybe it will be more of the above.

right now I am just sitting here crying, tears are rolling down my cheeks, feeling very alone, sad, questioning my parenting of both kids and just feeling terrible & miserable

I almost didn't want to post this, because it is so filled with raw emotion, and not sure if it is "OK" to feel like this, but I do and I decided to post, you guys have been so supportive and understanding. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and we can help each other.

Awww Princess Vija. I haven't had much time for this thread lately, but your post is the one that brought me back out of hiding.



You sound like you know all of this already. But I'm sure it's just a merging of so many things. The lack of communication, the issues with your daughter, and especially his birthday coming up. Hang in there. I bet it will be easier to deal with when some of the other issues let up a bit.

I know I miss my son more when I'm dealing with issues with one (or both) of my other kids. Hopefully when you get past this with your daughter, you'll be able to cope better with the issues with your son. And I have already figured I'd have to brace myself for missing my DS's birthday in the spring. It would be so much harder for it to hit before you have had time to really adjust to him leaving.

Hang in there.

Remember our friend Dory. Just keep swimming. She's my hero you know.

 

[LisaR]

Thanks everyone for all the compliments about DD. She is a great kid, but bear in mind that I only post the good stories!

I am going to visit DD tomorrow!! On Friday, she is making the long drive to the horror night thing at Universal. The girls are spending the night in a hotel. On Saturday, we are going to meet up with them and treat them all to lunch before they head back to school. The three girls she is going with are the ones she plans to room with next year so it will be nice to meet them.

 

[marcyinPA]

Wow, you girls have been busy! I have missed a ton of posts in the past two days!

My DS hasn't been exactly pulling away, but he did make a comment early on in the semester that I texted too much. I have tried to tone that down. I would say that I am still the one that he contacts, though. My DH is an introvert, and so is DS. I am not. I think it is easier for my DS to communicate to me when he needs to communicate. So, the calls, texts, etc. have come to me.

However, this past weekend, Monday to be exact, my DH ended up picking my DS up at his girlfriend's college and taking him back to his own college, and they had a really nice conversation (they both told me that they enjoyed each others company )

DS has always been kind of a momma's boy- and a homebody- so I don't know if he will ever pull back in a way that makes me feel completely left out. I can't see it happening, but I certainly know it could.

So he spent the weekend with his GF and her roommate. I guess he had a good time, but he complained that they nap all the time- LOL. They did go to the football game and the parade (it was homecoming there). He had planned on going back to his school on Monday- his ride said after dinner. So the guy calls him and says it will be more like 10:30 pm (takes 1 1/2 hours to get back). DS was not happy. In a total blessing moment, my DH was actually in the area of where DS was, working. I called him to see if he could pick DS up- which he could- and they were on the road by 5pm! YES!!! DS had laundry to do, a test to study for, etc. And his GF had a meeting that night and stuff to do, so 10:30pm was really inconvenient.

Yesterday, I drove down to campus to take DS to the credit union to take care of the paperwork for the debit card hacking. Spent about 2 hours with him- doing the bank stuff, hitting the grocery store (Him: "I might need a deodorant but that's it. Oh, and maybe some iced tea. Oh, and I only have 4 Nutrigrain bars left." Me: "Anything else?!" Him: "No. That's good. Oh- GRANOLA BARS! I don't have anymore of these!" )

After the store, we went to the grungy little diner and had coffee/hot cocoa and the crappiest piece of pie I've ever had- And it was AWESOME. We talked and talked about all kinds of stuff. I am not sure how his grades are exactly, but I was happy that he volunteered that he studied with a girl in his dorm who is also in his Psych class the night before the test, and he also went to the TA's study session before the test. I feel like he is doing the right things- on his own- I just hope they are paying off!!

He decided he is coming home the weekend of the 25th because it is our city Halloween parade and he wants to see his brother march in the band. And, his girlfriend is coming home. And he will be home the following weekend for the rival HS football game. Can't miss that! He will stay at school this weekend though- even though as it is, everyone goes home there most of the time. I'm sure he will be fine though

Hope everyone else is doing well. I'm going to go re-read the posts I missed!!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Thank you guys SO VERY MUCH!!!!! I really needed that group hug and reassurance and you guys really came through for me.

I did hesitate to post for a variety of reasons, but I too think I have a family member stalking me online that I don't particularly care to share info with. (Hello stalker... you know I know you are watching me) Anyhow, I decided to post because I really needed the support and I figure others are probably going through this too.

You guys are right, in my mind I know it is important he move on, and he is still in touch with family, and the issues with DD will eventually resolve, it just is hard all at once.

I texted him a Happy Birthday message because I didn't want to "bug him" with a call, and I have to admit I was hoping for at least a "thx" but nothing.

ON the flip side... DH is a SWEETHEART! Every year on the kids birthdays he buys me flowers. Today he surprised me with a beautiful arrangement of red roses! that certainly did lift my spirits!!!!

As did all of the support and friendship. You all mean so much to me, thanks!!!

 

[mom2rtk]

Thank you guys SO VERY MUCH!!!!! I really needed that group hug and reassurance and you guys really came through for me.

I did hesitate to post for a variety of reasons, but I too think I have a family member stalking me online that I don't particularly care to share info with. (Hello stalker... you know I know you are watching me) Anyhow, I decided to post because I really needed the support and I figure others are probably going through this too.

You guys are right, in my mind I know it is important he move on, and he is still in touch with family, and the issues with DD will eventually resolve, it just is hard all at once.

I texted him a Happy Birthday message because I didn't want to "bug him" with a call, and I have to admit I was hoping for at least a "thx" but nothing.

ON the flip side... DH is a SWEETHEART! Every year on the kids birthdays he buys me flowers. Today he surprised me with a beautiful arrangement of red roses! that certainly did lift my spirits!!!!

As did all of the support and friendship. You all mean so much to me, thanks!!!

How about if your friends here on the DIS say "thx" on his behalf? What's he know.... he's just a kid. He'll come around. Don't quit putting out the effort.

And happy birthday to you momma! How awesome that hubby came through!

Go celebrate your kiddo's birthday without him. They just complicate things sometimes anyway.

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Thank you guys SO VERY MUCH!!!!! I really needed that group hug and reassurance and you guys really came through for me.

I did hesitate to post for a variety of reasons, but I too think I have a family member stalking me online that I don't particularly care to share info with. (Hello stalker... you know I know you are watching me) Anyhow, I decided to post because I really needed the support and I figure others are probably going through this too.

You guys are right, in my mind I know it is important he move on, and he is still in touch with family, and the issues with DD will eventually resolve, it just is hard all at once.

I texted him a Happy Birthday message because I didn't want to "bug him" with a call, and I have to admit I was hoping for at least a "thx" but nothing.

ON the flip side... DH is a SWEETHEART! Every year on the kids birthdays he buys me flowers. Today he surprised me with a beautiful arrangement of red roses! that certainly did lift my spirits!!!!

As did all of the support and friendship. You all mean so much to me, thanks!!!

HE IS A KEEPER!!! Way to go DH!!!
Oh I definitely think you should have a Birthday cake tonight even if your son isn't there. Celebrate away.
LOL ok my secret is coming out. I'm going on my solo Disney trip in February because my DS with Autism turns 22 in March. This is my Birthday celebration before life changes as he will then have to rely on adult agency support and right now that isn't looking very promising. So DH agreed I could go celebrate his birthday. When asked my the CM if I was celebrating anything I told her I was but Disney wouldn't understand. When I told her she gave a very "your right I don't get it" tone of voice.

Until this year, my DS19 hardly told me he loved me. Much more frequent recently. And the hugs are more intense. Give your DS time.

How about if your friends here on the DIS say "thx" on his behalf? What's he know.... he's just a kid. He'll come around. Don't quit putting out the effort.

And happy birthday to you momma! How awesome that hubby came through!

Go celebrate your kiddo's birthday without him. They just complicate things sometimes anyway.

And I agree!!! let us say THX for him! And get moving and go celebrate your kid. DH and you both deserve it. Even if it's take it home, do it!!!


Wow gotta go tell my DH what your DH did. Maybe I might get some flowers at some point. Ok ya I will. I'll be buying them.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

How about if your friends here on the DIS say "thx" on his behalf? What's he know.... he's just a kid. He'll come around. Don't quit putting out the effort.

And happy birthday to you momma! How awesome that hubby came through!

Go celebrate your kiddo's birthday without him. They just complicate things sometimes anyway.

HE IS A KEEPER!!! Way to go DH!!!
Oh I definitely think you should have a Birthday cake tonight even if your son isn't there. Celebrate away.
LOL ok my secret is coming out. I'm going on my solo Disney trip in February because my DS with Autism turns 22 in March. This is my Birthday celebration before life changes as he will then have to rely on adult agency support and right now that isn't looking very promising. So DH agreed I could go celebrate his birthday. When asked my the CM if I was celebrating anything I told her I was but Disney wouldn't understand. When I told her she gave a very "your right I don't get it" tone of voice.

Until this year, my DS19 hardly told me he loved me. Much more frequent recently. And the hugs are more intense. Give your DS time.



And I agree!!! let us say THX for him! And get moving and go celebrate your kid. DH and you both deserve it. Even if it's take it home, do it!!!


Wow gotta go tell my DH what your DH did. Maybe I might get some flowers at some point. Ok ya I will. I'll be buying them.

You guys really, really, really made my day!!!! When I read your posts I was waiting in line to go into DD's choir concert. Up until then I have to admit I was very quite... in the doldrums... but it lightened my mood up quite a bit. Really the first true laugh, and boy did I need it.

THEN.... STOP THE PRESSESS...... I GOT A TEXT!

"Hay mom". who knew 6 little letters could mean so much! I knew he was acknowledging my text. Of course it is right when the concert was starting so we couldn't text. He did say he had a great birthday and we would talk on Fri.

soooo.... I snapped out of my sadness to enjoy the concert... but wouldn't you know 2 of the songs have significant meaning for me with DS. The first was a song I listened to repeatedly when I was pregnant with him. Just imagining life as a mom when I would listen to that song. And the second was colors of the wind from Pocahontas. We used to watch that movie every time when I had a day off of work when he was a toddler. HE LOVED THAT MOVIE! The irony of those 2 songs.

THEN we did what you guys suggested, we went out to celebrate after the concert. We went out to get ice cream to celebrate her concert and his birthday!

My spirits are finally lifted, so very much thanks to you my friends!!!!!!


If anyone is even remotely unsure of posting something, please do. I am so glad I posted last night. You guys really helped me out a lot and I know that we will continue to be there for each other. I imagine for a long time as we work through the college years. I love ya guys!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

LOL ok my secret is coming out. I'm going on my solo Disney trip in February because my DS with Autism turns 22 in March. This is my Birthday celebration before life changes as he will then have to rely on adult agency support and right now that isn't looking very promising. So DH agreed I could go celebrate his birthday. When asked my the CM if I was celebrating anything I told her I was but Disney wouldn't understand. When I told her she gave a very "your right I don't get it" tone of voice.

Until this year, my DS19 hardly told me he loved me. Much more frequent recently. And the hugs are more intense. Give your DS time.

I can just imagine the CM's thoughts and face..... I hope your solo trip is all that you hope it to be and more. I am sure you have had struggles that I will never imagine raising a child with autism. I salute you for all of your hard work, and you so deserve this trip!

Can you elaborate on the adult agency help? What is he getting now and how will that change?

And I am glad you are getting the intense hugs. I have hope!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

I can just imagine the CM's thoughts and face..... I hope your solo trip is all that you hope it to be and more. I am sure you have had struggles that I will never imagine raising a child with autism. I salute you for all of your hard work, and you so deserve this trip!

Can you elaborate on the adult agency help? What is he getting now and how will that change?

And I am glad you are getting the intense hugs. I have hope!

Thanks on the solo trip. Ya the CM wasn't as magical as some others. You know the kind that goes back to script.
Anyway .....

In regard to my son with Autism, I prefer not to post anything specific on the internet as there has been other threads that got into opinions and this thread is about our college students and I don't want to go down a road that isn't supporting each other with that.

In short because my sons IQ is not below 70, yet his functional skills have a deficit that causes health and safety issues......the funding to support him is not there right now.(and all agencies are saying the other should fund him)
So he will be home with me until the laws and funding changes. And we know where the government budget is today.
Before 22 the help comes from public school districts.
Again I prefer not to have this group turn into a discussion about Autism or special needs. It's about having kiddos in college that grow up and do become independent and how we have to learn to support them but let go at the same time.

Yes I'm quite pleased with the intense hugs I get now. The kind that he knows I don't want to let go, and he gives a hint of that same feeling.

I'm super happy to see our support helped you get to a point to celebrate tonight. What was the song you were referring to that you sang when pregnant. My son and I used to dance him to sleep with "May I have this dance for the rest of my life". When he came home from college last year, I started hugging and started to sing that too him. He melted. He didn't remember me singing that but when I told him about it and sang while holding him he melted. It was very special.
If you could meet my sons you would fall in love with them.
Maybe your DDs is the wife I pray for for my son. LOL
You should have seen his face the other day when I told him I've been praying for his wife. I've told him someday he will meet her and God has chosen her special for him. So I'm giving God some requests.
One is a woman that loves both my sons in separate and special ways.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if DS19 meets a woman that can be a friend and support to DS21. Oh ya and I did request like a daughter to me.
I'm not asking for too much.

Thanks for sharing your life with us. I appreciate your openness but be careful. You never know who is reading your posts and where it will go from here. We tell our kids this and we have to do be careful too. Sad but true.
You just never know what will pop up in some one's search.
And if taken out of context..........more complications.

Love to you all.
So grateful to chat with you as my up and down stuff is supported by your

Ok I'll shut up now. LOL

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Thanks on the solo trip. Ya the CM wasn't as magical as some others. You know the kind that goes back to script.
Anyway .....

In regard to my son with Autism, I prefer not to post anything specific on the internet as there has been other threads that got into opinions and this thread is about our college students and I don't want to go down a road that isn't supporting each other with that.

In short because my sons IQ is not below 70, yet his functional skills have a deficit that causes health and safety issues......the funding to support him is not there right now.(and all agencies are saying the other should fund him)
So he will be home with me until the laws and funding changes. And we know where the government budget is today.
Before 22 the help comes from public school districts.
Again I prefer not to have this group turn into a discussion about Autism or special needs. It's about having kiddos in college that grow up and do become independent and how we have to learn to support them but let go at the same time.

Yes I'm quite pleased with the intense hugs I get now. The kind that he knows I don't want to let go, and he gives a hint of that same feeling.

I'm super happy to see our support helped you get to a point to celebrate tonight. What was the song you were referring to that you sang when pregnant. My son and I used to dance him to sleep with "May I have this dance for the rest of my life". When he came home from college last year, I started hugging and started to sing that too him. He melted. He didn't remember me singing that but when I told him about it and sang while holding him he melted. It was very special.
If you could meet my sons you would fall in love with them.
Maybe your DDs is the wife I pray for for my son. LOL
You should have seen his face the other day when I told him I've been praying for his wife. I've told him someday he will meet her and God has chosen her special for him. So I'm giving God some requests.
One is a woman that loves both my sons in separate and special ways.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if DS19 meets a woman that can be a friend and support to DS21. Oh ya and I did request like a daughter to me.
I'm not asking for too much.

Thanks for sharing your life with us. I appreciate your openness but be careful. You never know who is reading your posts and where it will go from here. We tell our kids this and we have to do be careful too. Sad but true.
You just never know what will pop up in some one's search.
And if taken out of context..........more complications.

Love to you all.
So grateful to chat with you as my up and down stuff is supported by your

Ok I'll shut up now. LOL

Thanks for sharing the info. I understand a little bit now. I appreciate that you want this to remain a support group as we send our kids off to college, but I want you to remember that I will support anyone with any of their needs. I am here for all of you regardless of the concern! That being said, I hope you have a FANTASTIC solo trip!

And I agree that we have to be careful about what we write. It isn't easy, and online so many people can see what we write. I thought long and hard about posting, but I needed you guys so much at that time, and I thought it might help someone else.

I feel better today and I am happy for all of you!

thanks everyone!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Thanks for sharing the info. I understand a little bit now. I appreciate that you want this to remain a support group as we send our kids off to college, but I want you to remember that I will support anyone with any of their needs. I am here for all of you regardless of the concern! That being said, I hope you have a FANTASTIC solo trip!

And I agree that we have to be careful about what we write. It isn't easy, and online so many people can see what we write. I thought long and hard about posting, but I needed you guys so much at that time, and I thought it might help someone else.

I feel better today and I am happy for all of you!

thanks everyone!

Thanks for understanding that I'm trying to protect my son's privacy and myself from people's opinion. Believe me even in the Autism support groups people think they are helping but forget every person with Autism and situation is different. I appreciate you reaching out. I will keep that in mind and Private message you if I need that extra person to listen in the future.
I just don't want to be public about it. I've been burnt in the past and recently.

I'm glad you reached out for your own support and we were able to do that for you. I feel like I say it over and over again, but here I go again. When we struggle we have more information than what we can share and it's good when the little people know pokes a memory or experience of their own and by sharing their own experience you can put the pieces together. I like when that happens for me. And this whole college/growing up/letting go thing is super hard. But we'll get there.

Hmm time to poke my son.....oh wait not tonight. I heard rumor it Dungeons and Dragons night in his dorm. I'll wait until tomorrow.

Hope you all have a good night.

 

[LisaR]

I've finally crossed a major hurdle and feel like I am on the other side of the hill!!

Went and visited DD on Thursday. Great visit! She looked great, the visit was wonderful, and I left without tearing up or crying on the drive home!!!!

Seriously, that is major for me!

On Saturday, DH and I took DD and three friends to lunch because they were only an hour from our home. Wonderful visit. So nice meeting her friends. And guess what? I once again left without any tears in my eyes!!!!

Honestly, that is a huge weight that I feel was lifted. In the past, I almost felt depressed once we/she left. I didn't feel that at all this time. Life is finally moving forward and it only took me ten weeks!

Unfortunately, DD looked like crap yesterday. She didn't eat much, said she had a headache, and I could just tell she was getting sick. When she got back to the dorms, she slept for 15 hours! She got up this morning with a fever, swollen glands, headache, and cough. She went to a walk-in clinic and they gave her an antibiotic. I kind of wish they would have run some blood work. Anyway, she just picked up her RX, grabbed some OJ ad Kleenex and plans on spending the day in bed. So while I am past the crying when we leave, I am not past the worrying! Hopefully she will be feeling much better in a day or two.

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend!