Having a very hard time with DS going off to college

[LisaR]

Then maybe it would help for you to go post in the "class of 2015" thread so they can start turning down their dimmer switches. If any of us didn't get started 2 years ago as you suggest, what did you hope to accomplish by posting the suggestion now?

I don't see a single poster hovering and controlling in an unreasonable overbearing fashion. The truth is that the ones who can't cut the apron strings probably didn't pack up their kids and take them off to school at all like the posters here di, but encouraged their kids to stay closer to home.

Kudos to everyone working through this big change in life, encouraging your kids to spread their wings. Even if it means they ask our opinion from time to time.

Like the mom in our neighborhood who went on the HIGH SCHOOL bus this week and yelled at the kids because someone took her son's DS? I'm thinking it might be time for her to step back a bit.

Well, it has been an interesting and stressful 24 hours.

My DS called yesterday because he was trying to make a payment with his debit card to the university to replace his lost ID card headache. The payment came back rejected. He then tried to do an eCheck, which went through. So he went on his online banking to see if the eCheck went through, when he noticed that his checking account had a zero balance, and there were 4 charges to the USPS.com listed. His debit card had been hacked!!

I called the credit union, and indeed, the four charges were there, plus five more pending, all made on Wednesday, and totaling over $200. They wiped out his checking and overdraft protection kicked in, along with $15 in fees.

They immediately canceled his card, and instructed me that my DS had to call the USPS. He was a MESS. He called the number, but couldn't get through to a human. The whole time, he is outside in the rain because no cell phones get service in the dorm due to concrete block walls. And his landline is incoming only (outgoing only on campus).

I called USPS for him then, spoke to a person, and she was a real gem. (that is not complimentary). Anyway, she instructed me to call the credit union to file dispute paperwork.

I went into the CU today, and they wouldn't let me file the paperwork on his behalf because although my name is on his accounts, it is not on his debit card. I have the paperwork and will drive it down to him on Tuesday for him to sign it.

In the meantime, he had no money, and was going to spend the weekend with his girlfriend this weekend at her college. The CU on campus (not ours) would not cash a check for him. Luckily, there is a branch of our CU not far from campus so his friend was able to stop there for him to withdraw money before they left today.

He was SO upset when he discovered he had been hacked. This is not something I could prepare him for, or at least I never thought to. It has happened to DH and I with our Visa card before, and I know how violating it feels.

I'm telling you, this kid has been having an "education" this semester!!

Oh no! Your poor son. Yep, the "education" they get with this experience is all encompassing, isn't it?

Oh no Marcy! What an awful lesson to get so soon after getting out on his own. That's awful!

Tell him to take some breaths..... and embrace his own inner Dory..... and just keep swimming. This too shall pass.

Seriously though..... someone hacked his card....... and used it at the post office?

But then I had the world's worst credit card thief a few years ago. I drove off from the Burger King drive through without my card. When I called the next day after figuring out where it was, they had it for me in the manager's office. But I'm glad I had checked my account online. It had been on a spin around town, stopping at a Sonic, another Burger King and a grocery store for M & M's and whipped topping. Really? They could have done so much better. I got the surveillance tape from the grocery store and it was one of the employees at the first BK. Nice, huh?

This is typical of credit card fraud; buying a bunch of little things. Nobody will ask them for ID when the charges are kept low. If they only use it around town, it will likely remain as small purchases. If they go online, look out!

 

[LisaR]

So, I haven't been back since posting about being sad that DD was leaving. Things were going really, really good for her. She will occasionally have times when she just wants to come home and go to community college and then she will change her mind. Last night, I got a call at 1 a.m. She wants to come home after the semester is over. When I spoke to her this morning, she is still feeling the same way I'm not sure what to do at this point, lol. I was sad when she left and now I'm sad that she wants to come home. We live in a town that has nothing to offer it's youth - NOTHING! I got sucked in at her age and never left. I would hate for her to come home and get sucked in too. I'm torn right now. I know I can't force her to stay but part of me was relieved when she left because I saw it as a way out of this place. Any advice will be most welcome!!!!

What are her reasons for coming home and going to the community college? If the college that she is at isn't a good fit, could she transfer to another one in a different city? Is she homesick? Not fitting in? Has she joined any clubs? Sorry you are both going through this.

 

[mom2rtk]

So, I haven't been back since posting about being sad that DD was leaving. Things were going really, really good for her. She will occasionally have times when she just wants to come home and go to community college and then she will change her mind. Last night, I got a call at 1 a.m. She wants to come home after the semester is over. When I spoke to her this morning, she is still feeling the same way I'm not sure what to do at this point, lol. I was sad when she left and now I'm sad that she wants to come home. We live in a town that has nothing to offer it's youth - NOTHING! I got sucked in at her age and never left. I would hate for her to come home and get sucked in too. I'm torn right now. I know I can't force her to stay but part of me was relieved when she left because I saw it as a way out of this place. Any advice will be most welcome!!!!

I just wanted to offer some hugs.

Take a deep breath. You can't make her stay. All you can do is point out the ins and outs of both sides of that decision.

But do reassure her that it's perfectly normal to feel homesick for most of that first year. Tell her to find ways to stay busy, and give it some more time.

Maybe she could consider an alternate way of staying where she is. I know I never felt like I fit in at the dorm. It just wasn't my deal. I needed more "normalcy". I spent my sophomore year living with a family I babysat for, getting room and board in exchange for regular babysitting. The next year I rented a room from some little old ladies near campus. I was MUCH happier when I got some space. It was far from a traditional route, but it worked. So do encourage her to think outside the box.

Remind her that in the end, it's the hard things we do that we are proudest of. But it really is her decision.

 

[StacyMarie]

What are her reasons for coming home and going to the community college? If the college that she is at isn't a good fit, could she transfer to another one in a different city? Is she homesick? Not fitting in? Has she joined any clubs? Sorry you are both going through this.

Well first off, there's the boyfriend. I don't need to say anything more about that situation. When she left, they weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first weekend she came home after welcome week, he was her boyfriend. He's here, she's there. She's homesick. She's never been much of a friend maker. She has a few select few friends here at home but as far as meeting new people, it's never been one of her strong points. She's real close with her roommate but her roommate has made more friends and she claims they don't like her. She hasn't joined any clubs. She insists on coming home every single weekend. This is the first weekend in about 6 weeks that she's not coming home and that is because it's homecoming for her campus and her boyfriend is going to see here there. I'm at a loss here, lol.

 

[LisaR]

Well first off, there's the boyfriend. I don't need to say anything more about that situation. When she left, they weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first weekend she came home after welcome week, he was her boyfriend. He's here, she's there. She's homesick. She's never been much of a friend maker. She has a few select few friends here at home but as far as meeting new people, it's never been one of her strong points. She's real close with her roommate but her roommate has made more friends and she claims they don't like her. She hasn't joined any clubs. She insists on coming home every single weekend. This is the first weekend in about 6 weeks that she's not coming home and that is because it's homecoming for her campus and her boyfriend is going to see here there. I'm at a loss here, lol.

Ugh.....the boyfriend! Say no more! I've read that that is one of the main reason kids are unhappy at school. Of course, in most cases they end up coming home and breaking up a short time later.

That really is too bad. I wish it was working out better for her. If she is coming home every weekend, is she close enough to commute?

 

[mom2rtk]

Well first off, there's the boyfriend. I don't need to say anything more about that situation. When she left, they weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first weekend she came home after welcome week, he was her boyfriend. He's here, she's there. She's homesick. She's never been much of a friend maker. She has a few select few friends here at home but as far as meeting new people, it's never been one of her strong points. She's real close with her roommate but her roommate has made more friends and she claims they don't like her. She hasn't joined any clubs. She insists on coming home every single weekend. This is the first weekend in about 6 weeks that she's not coming home and that is because it's homecoming for her campus and her boyfriend is going to see here there. I'm at a loss here, lol.

Oh man, I'm so sorry. And I bet Lisa is right. They would probably break up soon after she moved home.

Not sure I have anything to help but another hug.

 

[StacyMarie]

Ugh.....the boyfriend! Say no more! I've read that that is one of the main reason kids are unhappy at school. Of course, in most cases they end up coming home and breaking up a short time later.

That really is too bad. I wish it was working out better for her. If she is coming home every weekend, is she close enough to commute?

She's 2 hours away. She doesn't have a car so we have been going and picking her up every weekend or she has been catching a ride home with her cousin who is a senior at Western. I'm just sick to my stomach. First I didn't want her to leave and now I don't want her to come home, lol. I can't win.

 

[Christine]

I'm going to put this out there--take it for what it's worth--only you know you daughter and how she will react.

I hated my first semester at college. I came home after one semester. There were several reasons: one was a boyfriend issue, another was that the college didn't have enough going on for me (I should have gone to a more urban school, etc). I was sick of the dorm, and so on. Several of my friends felt the same way.

I told my mother I was coming home and she buckled and "let" me. If she told me I would have to stay, I would have. My other friend's parents would not "let" them come home. They managed to settle in and finish out. I did not. It was a BAD mistake for my mother to let me come home.

Again, you know you daughter and how she will react to that sort of heavy handedness from you.

If you have some sway over her, I would not permit her to come home on weekends and I would tell her she has to stay the year at college.

I did not let either of my kids come home from college each weekend. My DD didn't come home until late October during her freshman year and, I just let my son come home last weekend because he had a doctor's appt. Other than that I really discourage it. Is is so very important for them to cut their ties at home so then can fully give themselves over to the new college life.

I know you know this and I'm not trying to sound pushy or anything. I just wanted to give you my experience as a freshman who wanted to come home. The worst thing my mom did was to give in to me.

 

[mom2rtk]

She's 2 hours away. She doesn't have a car so we have been going and picking her up every weekend or she has been catching a ride home with her cousin who is a senior at Western. I'm just sick to my stomach. First I didn't want her to leave and now I don't want her to come home, lol. I can't win.

I don't drink, but that might be just enough to get me to start.

Ultimately it's her decision. My friend's son had other issues his freshman year. He started struggling in class and stopped going. She didn't know until the end of Christmas break that his grades were so low his scholarship could not continue. He came home and sat out spring semester. But he picked himself back up and enrolled at a different school that fall and really has done great ever since.

I throw that out there to reassure you that there are other paths to the finish line.

 

[StacyMarie]

I'm going to put this out there--take it for what it's worth--only you know you daughter and how she will react.

I hated my first semester at college. I came home after one semester. There were several reasons: one was a boyfriend issue, another was that the college didn't have enough going on for me (I should have gone to a more urban school, etc). I was sick of the dorm, and so on. Several of my friends felt the same way.

I told my mother I was coming home and she buckled and "let" me. If she told me I would have to stay, I would have. My other friend's parents would not "let" them come home. They managed to settle in and finish out. I did not. It was a BAD mistake for my mother to let me come home.

Again, you know you daughter and how she will react to that sort of heavy handedness from you.

If you have some sway over her, I would not permit her to come home on weekends and I would tell her she has to stay the year at college.

I did not let either of my kids come home from college each weekend. My DD didn't come home until late October during her freshman year and, I just let my son come home last weekend because he had a doctor's appt. Other than that I really discourage it. Is is so very important for them to cut their ties at home so then can fully give themselves over to the new college life.

I know you know this and I'm not trying to sound pushy or anything. I just wanted to give you my experience as a freshman who wanted to come home. The worst thing my mom did was to give in to me.

I don't drink, but that might be just enough to get me to start.

Ultimately it's her decision. My friend's son had other issues his freshman year. He started struggling in class and stopped going. She didn't know until the end of Christmas break that his grades were so low his scholarship could not continue. He came home and sat out spring semester. But he picked himself back up and enrolled at a different school that fall and really has done great ever since.

I throw that out there to reassure you that there are other paths to the finish line.

Christine, you don't sound pushy at all! Actually, I think you said exactly what I needed to hear!!! She will lose her grants and funding that is all set up for her where she's at. Part of me wants to make her stay until the end of the year. Hopefully after this weekend and she is actually participating in campus activities because it is homecoming, she'll change her mind. I think I need to toughen up. Her grades are fine so I think I need to push back!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

This made me tear up. Yup. I need a tissue!! That is so sweet!!!!

Sorry about the tissue need but yes he is sweet. If the whole social awkward ever gets resolved, that right girl is going to have a great husband. She has a little work ahead of her because she will have to be honest about what she wants because he doesn't read between the lines well, but when he knows he is pretty giving. I am proud of him. There is nothing wrong with men that have feelings. I hate society tries to take that away. At least what I've observed.

So, I haven't been back since posting about being sad that DD was leaving. Things were going really, really good for her. She will occasionally have times when she just wants to come home and go to community college and then she will change her mind. Last night, I got a call at 1 a.m. She wants to come home after the semester is over. When I spoke to her this morning, she is still feeling the same way I'm not sure what to do at this point, lol. I was sad when she left and now I'm sad that she wants to come home. We live in a town that has nothing to offer it's youth - NOTHING! I got sucked in at her age and never left. I would hate for her to come home and get sucked in too. I'm torn right now. I know I can't force her to stay but part of me was relieved when she left because I saw it as a way out of this place. Any advice will be most welcome!!!!

Well first off, there's the boyfriend. I don't need to say anything more about that situation. When she left, they weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. The first weekend she came home after welcome week, he was her boyfriend. He's here, she's there. She's homesick. She's never been much of a friend maker. She has a few select few friends here at home but as far as meeting new people, it's never been one of her strong points. She's real close with her roommate but her roommate has made more friends and she claims they don't like her. She hasn't joined any clubs. She insists on coming home every single weekend. This is the first weekend in about 6 weeks that she's not coming home and that is because it's homecoming for her campus and her boyfriend is going to see here there. I'm at a loss here, lol.

First thought was "Life is what you make of it". Going to college close to home doesn't have to be a stumbling block. But now that I read the boyfriend thing.....eeeek I totally get your concern.

Here is the think, from my own personal experience.
My parents were very limited in their ability to support me to do things that potentially would have expanded my horizons because of their own life experiences and fears. When I chose a college 2 hours away, my father said "Why are you spending $$ to go away to college? When all is said and done you are just going to get married and stay home." To this day I resent that attitude. But because he didn't go to college and my mother was an at home mother and apparently that generation felt the man was a hard worker good man if the wife got to stay home..........................
I was determined that wasn't going to be me.

In short I didn't have parents like you that wanted the best for me. There words were very limiting for me. Have you ever had that conversation with her? About what you wish for her and what she wants for her life?
I really could have used my parents giving me a heart to heart about their fears and what could give me the best future. That is what we did with my son. We discussed living at home, living at college, and how far away he would feel comfortable living. He was offered a full scholarship at a school about an hour from here. But that school, although a good school, would not have been able to offer him what his heart desires are.

If you can talk in a non-telling you what to do, kind of way, then you can help her understand herself. And I would put the concern and stress it's not fact, that if she is making this decision because of the boyfriend, she might want to rethink it cause you don't want her to regret it if there is a breakup.

There is this technique that we have learned to help my older son with Autism to help with behavior/meltdown issues. It takes a lot of practice. It's called Collaborative Problem solving. I know your daughter doesn't have Autism, but my husband and I have used it with each other and our relationship is so much stronger. You can find information on Thinkkids.org or Livesinthebalance.org (or .com I can't remember) and read a lot about it.
Again these were developed to help with problem solving on behavior challenges, but I think it works across the board with decisions in general. It's a talking it out and thinking it through method.
Just a thought that could bring some help in helping your daughter think it through. She's still making the final decision but if you both put all your concerns on the table you might be able to find a solution that addresses both your concerns and keeps your own relationship in tact.

And remember even if she comes home for a semester or two that doesn't mean she can't ever go back out there to another college. She just might need some more self esteem building.

I'm no expert. Just a college drop out that stayed home with my children as my father had told me life would be. sigh. Please keep us posted and I'll keep sending good vibes.

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

She's 2 hours away. She doesn't have a car so we have been going and picking her up every weekend or she has been catching a ride home with her cousin who is a senior at Western. I'm just sick to my stomach. First I didn't want her to leave and now I don't want her to come home, lol. I can't win.

Ok read this. My parents refused to pick me up every weekend. I had to take a bus and at that the funds to come home were limited.
Again to just cut her off from being able to come home, will probably definitely make her quit.

I go back to a heart to heart talk. Try to find out how she sees things and such before you give any of your opinion. Tell her You are struggling to understand where she is coming from and what feelings she is having that make her want to give up. The more you can let her talk and feel that you really want to know her side instead of just giving her your side, the more you will be able to help her. And if after she gives you all of her side. Making sure you use terms like "is there anything else that you can think of that would have you feeling this way" and so on, then either you will see her side better or be able to try to help her find solutions other than coming home the only solutions.

Oh I fully get the whole idea of losing scholarships and such. That is the angle we came at when my son was trying to decide which college to go to. We had to weigh a full scholarship and quitting and having no scholarship vs choosing the one he wanted that was offering less help. In the end, it was less expensive to choose the option to do what he wanted. But my fear was all about him not being happy and losing the financial help.

This is a hard problem but sooo very common. I've heard this happening with so many girls.

Again good luck.

I truly hope that if this boyfriend is Mr. Right that he will also be part of encouraging her to stick it out. I'm assuming if she is coming home to see him, then he isn't away at college. sigh. Super hard. These young years are super hard to know what a great future lies ahead and we just have to do the baby steps.

Best Wishes!

 

[mom2travel]

Well, it has been an interesting and stressful 24 hours.

My DS called yesterday because he was trying to make a payment with his debit card to the university to replace his lost ID card headache. The payment came back rejected. He then tried to do an eCheck, which went through. So he went on his online banking to see if the eCheck went through, when he noticed that his checking account had a zero balance, and there were 4 charges to the USPS.com listed. His debit card had been hacked!!

I called the credit union, and indeed, the four charges were there, plus five more pending, all made on Wednesday, and totaling over $200. They wiped out his checking and overdraft protection kicked in, along with $15 in fees.

They immediately canceled his card, and instructed me that my DS had to call the USPS. He was a MESS. He called the number, but couldn't get through to a human. The whole time, he is outside in the rain because no cell phones get service in the dorm due to concrete block walls. And his landline is incoming only (outgoing only on campus).

I called USPS for him then, spoke to a person, and she was a real gem. (that is not complimentary). Anyway, she instructed me to call the credit union to file dispute paperwork.

I went into the CU today, and they wouldn't let me file the paperwork on his behalf because although my name is on his accounts, it is not on his debit card. I have the paperwork and will drive it down to him on Tuesday for him to sign it.

In the meantime, he had no money, and was going to spend the weekend with his girlfriend this weekend at her college. The CU on campus (not ours) would not cash a check for him. Luckily, there is a branch of our CU not far from campus so his friend was able to stop there for him to withdraw money before they left today.

He was SO upset when he discovered he had been hacked. This is not something I could prepare him for, or at least I never thought to. It has happened to DH and I with our Visa card before, and I know how violating it feels.

I'm telling you, this kid has been having an "education" this semester!!

Oh no! That stinks!

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Oh no! That stinks!

I agree. I had that happen to us before and it did require the paper work to be filled out and son on. Weird that it was used for post office. I wonder what they were shipping.

Funny thing. My son has an ATM and he just got a new card in the mail today.
Originally we had two cards, one for him and one for me. Hmm not this time.
Oh well I don't use the card anyway. I can get to his money from the online banking. In fact when his account gets below $25 it sends me an email. He only keeps $50 in the account and the rest in his savings. From what I understand if someone is using the card for charges, they can't get to the savings. Not that savings has much either.

And for us we have the ATM account but the bulk of $$ to pay bills is in an account that doesn't have an ATM attached.

Yikes on the other card being left behind at BK and used. Dumb kids!
Then again, if they tried to spend on the internet, they have to ship the item to themselves so they probably figured the little things wouldn't get them caught. Glad they were though.

I honestly am glad I can't go back to teen/early 20's years. At least trying to find myself now isn't as painful.

 

[luvavacation]

MarcyinPA, this is what I fear, and the big reason we do not have a debit card for our DD. She has a few dollars hidden here and there in her room (gets that from my Dad!), she has a credit card in her name but tied to my account, and she has 2 checks. Should she need cash, she can cash a check at the school union. Oh, and she has money on her school ID. So far, so good. If one item is stolen or compromised, she should still have a back-up if she needs cash. This does remind me though that we need to make front and back copies of all her plastic cards, just in case something happens. I do hope things get straightened out for your son soon, and painlessly, too!

StacyMarie, hugs to you. I am sure your heart is crying because your DD is so upset and homesick. My DD's both went through this, and my college Freshman still comes home more often than most of the people she knows on campus. She loves being home, amongst the family, where she feels emotionally safe. While we want our children to always feel welcome, we also know that they need to gain strength from being on their own. This is why I wanted both of my DDs to go away to school - to learn to be on their own. They both went far enough away that coming home isn't so easy, but close enough that coming home is possible.

I also told my DDs that they had to go through one year of college, then we could talk about other plans if it didn't work out. The first semester, after all, is the hardest, because the adjustment is not easy for some of our less confident children. They are adjusting not just to not being home, but to meeting new people and having to succeed with the college coursework. It isn't easy!

Second semester, they are hopefully more acclimated, and by the end of second semester, they will have a better feel for what college holds. Would it help your DD to wait until the end of 2nd semester to make a decision? Having that finality for a decision might help her drive through to the end? Though you know your DD best and what works for mine may not work for yours. I do hope you find a way to encourage her though.

I have a similar story as RejoyceoverDisney, for my parents would not let me go to college, either. I had a full tuition scholarship to study International Relations, I was a Presidential Scholar, IL State Scholar, etc. I had the capabilities, but my parents would not allow me to go to college. After all, I was just a girl that was going to get married and have children, but I had a younger brother that they would have to put through school, and he would have to support a family.

My brother partied his way through school, has a job that does not require a degree, and is gay with no desire to ever have children since he doesn't like them, anyway! Guess my parents were wrong on that end.

Either way, I did get married and have children, and I spent enough time in America to realize that there were no absolutes here for gender (not that there are back home now, either, but for my parents that were born in the '20's and '30's, well it is hard to change Old World thinking).

My DDs have always been told that they don't know what the future holds, and I want them to be able to support themselves if they are left alone. I was fortunate to marry a good man that is a hard worker, but he could be killed by a machine kicking out a part, and where would I have been 15, 20 years ago with small children and a dead husband? I have no skills. I don't want my DDs to fear that. This isn't the Old Country of my parents' generation, where family will take you in and care for you. I have no family here in America, so my girls must take care of themselves.

And if they get their educations and then get married, have kids, and stay home, I will be proud of them for still having pursued an education that no one will ever take from them. Thinking about being left alone with young children in the future is not something our college and high school age children ponder, but it is something they should think about. My daughters will either have a college degree or a trade school education, but they will be able to take care of themselves. As hard as this is to remember when my DD is homesick, it is also the truth that has to drive her to finish to college.

There are no guarantees that you will have a good marriage, that tragedy won't hit you, nothing. Your education, though, will always be a part of you, and hopefully our children that have a hard time at first will value that education at the end. Good luck with this, StacyMarie.

 

[donac]

Well said. You still see too many young girls who never really think about their future. There are no guarantees in life but you have more options with education. I also agree that it does not have to be only a college degree, a trade school education can be just as good.

My younger son had a hard time first semester. I wish he had told us. I think I would have talked to him but I don't know if I would have let him come home. We did make him come home when he did so poorly the second semester. He then spent 2years at the local community college and then went back and did great.

It all works out. Good luck.

 

[Christine]

Everyone gave StacyMarie great advice on her daughter and I do believe that should have a long talk about this. But I have to ask, since we are all women who responded and we have the benefit of hindsight: Do you remember being an 18 year old girl in love and thinking you know what you want to do? I do. And I remember it well. There was no amount of "logic" that my mother applied that worked with me. Oh, I knew in my heart she was right but I was having none of it.

There really is nothing harder to "handle" than a teenage girl/young woman pining away for a boyfriend. Her "head" knows she should stay in college and do the right thing, but her "heart" is worried that if she's not at home near the boyfriend, he will either find someone else or it will fizzle out. As long as the boyfriend issue is not resolved, StacyMarie's daughter will probably not give her college the "try" that she should. Sure, there are some mature kids out there who will say "Hey, we really like/love each other and will be here for each other when it's over, but we need to focus on our educations."

StacyMarie--I really feel for your situation because it is a very difficult one to deal with, besides the fact that coming home to where you live offers no opportunities (we do live outside a major city so that's not a factor here) and that would scare me to death.

I think I would delicately work on the "one year" thing and see if you can force that. One semester is just not really enough to figure out if it's working or not--it is a huge adjustment period. Unless of course something really awful is going on at the school and then I would not advocate staying.

 

[marcyinPA]

Regarding the boyfriend issue: is he not on college? Is he younger? Older? Working?

I think it is easier when they are taking the same path. My DS and his GF have been together since September of their senior year of HS. But they both went away to college- different ones. It is still hard on them. They miss each other a lot. But they are both focused on other things too. So while I am sure he thinks about her constantly and I know they Skype late at night, sometimes for hours- I also have told him that if he wants a future with her, he needs a college education and she is going to want him to have one. In the long term, it is going to be very important for both of them to have a college education.

I know it is hard for an 18 year old to see the big picture, but we talk in those terms a lot. I know many peoe who are my age and have regrets for either not going to college, or not taking it seriously, and struggle now financially and with being employed in dead end jobs.

 

[RejoyceoverDisney]

Everyone gave StacyMarie great advice on her daughter and I do believe that should have a long talk about this. But I have to ask, since we are all women who responded and we have the benefit of hindsight: Do you remember being an 18 year old girl in love and thinking you know what you want to do? I do. And I remember it well. There was no amount of "logic" that my mother applied that worked with me. Oh, I knew in my heart she was right but I was having none of it.

There really is nothing harder to "handle" than a teenage girl/young woman pining away for a boyfriend. Her "head" knows she should stay in college and do the right thing, but her "heart" is worried that if she's not at home near the boyfriend, he will either find someone else or it will fizzle out. As long as the boyfriend issue is not resolved, StacyMarie's daughter will probably not give her college the "try" that she should. Sure, there are some mature kids out there who will say "Hey, we really like/love each other and will be here for each other when it's over, but we need to focus on our educations."

StacyMarie--I really feel for your situation because it is a very difficult one to deal with, besides the fact that coming home to where you live offers no opportunities (we do live outside a major city so that's not a factor here) and that would scare me to death.

I think I would delicately work on the "one year" thing and see if you can force that. One semester is just not really enough to figure out if it's working or not--it is a huge adjustment period. Unless of course something really awful is going on at the school and then I would not advocate staying.

I couldn't agree with the teen girl heart comment more! And that is why I was advocating for helping her be the one to make the decision and not being a dead end you have to stay. WE as parents never know what the real issues and fears are if we don't ask cause most often they don't offer and probably because they aren't asking themselves so they don't know. Oh I definitely think sticking it out the second semester if there isn't a major issue going on.

Too many young people are afraid when they meet the boy/girl friend they will never have a chance to meet another. Sounds like this young couple were friends before girl/boy friend relationship. That's a good start so that might make it even harder with that magical change in relationship.

My parents were married at 21 and 19, so when I got that age I was crushed to not have a boyfriend and I went about getting and keeping one it such confusing ways. Trying to hold onto my hopes dreams and morals, yet remain their #1. It's really hard to teach that True love happens and lasts whether you are physically together or doing life and keeping in touch.

My husband went back to college when I met him. (Good looking, smart, and 23 years old...freshman girls went nuts over him) Granted he was only an hour away. But he wanted to come home every weekend (not me stay there) and I was working full time so I would get out of work and go get him.(protect our relationship) It became a real drag and I was losing touch with my friends but I was dedicated. Then he met someone at school and broke up with me. I was absolutely crushed. But in short like I said "husband" and eventually we reconnected and 28 years later......
Not a lot of young people hear or understand that. The news is full of cheating and separation.

Regarding the boyfriend issue: is he not on college? Is he younger? Older? Working?

I think it is easier when they are taking the same path. My DS and his GF have been together since September of their senior year of HS. But they both went away to college- different ones. It is still hard on them. They miss each other a lot. But they are both focused on other things too. So while I am sure he thinks about her constantly and I know they Skype late at night, sometimes for hours- I also have told him that if he wants a future with her, he needs a college education and she is going to want him to have one. In the long term, it is going to be very important for both of them to have a college education.

I know it is hard for an 18 year old to see the big picture, but we talk in those terms a lot. I know many peoe who are my age and have regrets for either not going to college, or not taking it seriously, and struggle now financially and with being employed in dead end jobs.

And I keep the key words I see here are "hard for an 18 year old to see the big picture" and then "we talk in those terms".
Exactly, we have the hindsight and life experiences that have taught us to see the big picture. That is why encouraging her to practice seeing the big picture and look at the "what ifs" of life. What's the first plan, then what snags and then what will be the recovery plan. No plan has to be set in stone but it's our jobs to teach them how to create recovery plans.
I tell my son "I just want you to think it through" and after his first year away from us, I'm quite proud of his ability to think it through now. However, he is still learning and needing to be reminded to think it through.

I think in the end after that heart to heart conversation we can be pretty surprised about how smart our kids are and how quickly they learn and mature.

I have to admit too, a small town here in Massachusetts isn't hard to get out of and find opportunity, in other big states that is not as easy.
So I'm sure there is also way more details that I understand.

Wishing you all well with your children and their decisions!
Oh and I'm so glad my son isn't having girlfriend responsibility yet.

 

[maxaroni]

StaceyMarie... I believe many have given you some great suggestions and thoughts. Here is my experience:

My DS went away to college his freshman year, 2 hours from home. His GF (at the time) was a HS Junior, so there were some obstacles but he wanted to go away and things seemed to be going well, as far as that went. DS was home for winter break and went back in to college in January. When Spring break came around, he was home again...all this time not saying a word. The Sunday we were due to send him back to school after Spring break, the GF texted me and said we needed to come home, DS was really out of it and messed up. DH and I got home ASAP and I took the GF home while DH stayed with DS. Upon my arrival back home, I found a sobbing DS. Yes, there were some GF issues but there was much more to it. He is not a huge party person...he is better at smaller gatherings. Therefore, he was ostracized for not being a party person...drinking and drugs, is not his thing. A few beers with the guys is more his thing...he's nearly 21 now. That was the tip of the iceberg as more and more was coming out, it was gut wrenching to hear what he had been going through...sleeping in the lounge and hiding out in the library to get away from many that taunted him. It was a small, division 3 school...a suitcase school. He had a hard time meeting people as so many went home for the weekend. He came home occasionally, but we had told him...not every weekend. Stay, and acclimate yourself, etc. There is more to this but you get the idea he was not happy. To see him, there was no way we could send him back that day.
We slept on it and it was decided after much soul searching that night, that if we sent him back and he was unhappy what would he do? Not go to class? fail? hurt himself? He wanted to withdraw for the semester and that is what happened.

We told him that he was to find a full time job until the fall semester and he'd go to county college. Yes, we took a hit financially but he was able to withdraw as opposed to fail. He is much happier. He said he didn't talk to us about it as he wanted to work things out himself and thought we'd think of him as a failure and force him to go back anyway. Point being, sometimes there is much more to things than what we are told, or what they are feeling as so much pressure is on them to grow up, be on your own, make your own decisions, etc. They are HS graduates in June and come September a college student...what has changed? Do they magically become much more mature and able to handle things overnight?

DS will be transferring to a 4 yr school in January after getting all his Gen Eds done and, actually getting his Associates at CC. He is much happier and has grown so much since then. He now wishes he had gone to CC from the beginning...saving money and he admits he wasn't ready for the whole away from home thing. Kids mature at different rates and are ready at different times.

I so understand not wanting your child going away, but once away....don't want them back home. Trust me, it all ate at DH and I for awhile...it was hard to accept, but ultimately we wanted what was best for OUR DS, not what is right for Susie next door or Joe across the street.

Try and get to the bottom of why your DD wants to come home...is it truly a BF issue, or something more. Try and get her to finish this semester and reassess prior to sending the check for the spring semester. She may just decide to stick it out. My GF's DS really wanted to come home the first semester at Endicott as it was a suitcase school and being far away to home...South Jersey to Boston wasn't an easy thing to do for a weekend. However, he stuck it out the first semester and wanted to go back 2nd semester. He is now a senior at Endicott and happy.

We have found that many many kids start at CC and then transfer after 2 years...perhaps the economy, I don't know. We also know many that transfer to another 4 yr university as it wasn't a correct fit the first time around.

It's hard as a parent to see your kids hurting or unhappy and when they are young, it's easy to wrap ourselves around them to help take it away. Now, they are learning to stand on their own and we have to let them stumble a bit. However, it doesn't mean we have to let go entirely, or all at once....it's a learning process for us parents as well. Our DS is our one and only as well but am so proud of him and we were so hurt (personally) by this as well. In hindsight, all 3 of us would have changed things but there is no crystal ball.