Have you ever threatened to throw a teen out of the house?

[postage stamp]

I don't have teens yet, but my 6 year old had her first fit (she's normally so well behaved it's scary) because I "wouldn't let her do whatever she wanted". SO she decided that she was going to move out so she could have her own house and cell phone.


So I sat her down, wrote out how much all that costs, had her go get her piggy bank, counted her money, and we figured that she can survive approximately 17 seconds on her own.

 

[torinsmom]

My son is 16 and I have never threatened him with throwing him out. Teens can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but they are still kids. They might not react like they have feelings, but they do. Now, if there was a drug problem or he was physically violent, I would find somewhere to help him, but I wouldn't be kicking him out, just moving him temporarily to make sure he was safe and well.

I still remember when I left for college 22 years ago. I was dating a black man(I am white) and my dad told me that I would always be welcome in "his" home, but if I married someone non-white, my husband and kids would NEVER be welcome. Even though my black ex-husband and my son were welcomed and loved like they were white, I will never forget him saying that. That's why I am very careful what I say to my son. Words hurt and they can affect your relationship for YEARS.

 

[PatsGirl]

I have told DS15 that if he doesn't like our rules and believes he knows everything, that on the day he turns 18, he is more than welcome to leave and support himself and make his own rules. I meant that.

Doesn't mean that I don't love him. Doesn't mean that that's the outcome I want to see happen.

No two kids, no two parents are the same. I wouldn't make a judgment about either until I've walked a mile in their shoes.

I also told DS many times that if he didn't want to abide by the house rules he could leave and he did, very shortly after his 18th birthday but before high school graduation And you're right, it doesn't mean I don't love him. For me, it meant teaching him some very basic life lessons.

My biggest concern was whether he would be foolish (stubborn) enough to stop going to school but thank goodness he continued going every day. The first thing I did was call his guidance counselor at school who informed me that he had me taken off his records as a contact (he was 18) but she willingly stayed in touch with me to let me know how he was doing those first few weeks.

I'm really not sure where he stayed the first two weeks but I got a call from my sister after that saying he showed up at her house asking for a place to stay. I don't think she did him any favors by letting him stay there but I didn't get in the mix. FWIW, she called me several weeks later and said he was causing turmoil in their family and wanted him out and again I didn't get in the mix, figured she wanted to play hero so...

Would I do it again? Probably because I still don't see any other way out even almost three years later. It all worked out in the end, he came home after graduation and spent the summer here until he shipped out for boot camp. He's been in Japan in the USAF but just came through Fort Dix this past week before deploying on Friday. I drove the 6 hours to have lunch with him on Sunday. I love my son very much and I am very proud of him and what he is doing now. He has grown alot but I'm not sure where he'd be right now if I had let him stay in the house that spring. He was out of control and needed a reality check and that's what he got.

 

[kamik86]

My parents threatened to kick my sister out a few times but she was older (at least 25 before I remember any of these fights) and not paying any rent. She also had no problem using staples my mom bought (milk, bread, butter, etc) but would throw a fit if anyone touched her food.

 

[lustergirl]

I have never threatened it at all but I have good kids. I can see why some parents might be tempted to do this though because I have heard some horror stories.

ow we all have good kids

 

[pennymom]

When I was a teen, my parents took in a friend of mine whose family threw her out at 16 years old in the middle of her junior year of high school. She and her younger sister were adopted, and she was treated very much like Cinderella, while the younger sister was their darling. They were extremely strict, she had to do all of the cleaning, laundry, hold a job, was allowed very little social life, and was verbally abused and occasionally hit by her parents, particularly her mother. She was accused of doing drugs and all kinds of terrible things, even though she hadn't, and had to purchase all of her own clothes and pay for food. They pulled her out of the Catholic high she was attending as it was a waste of money because she 'didn't appreciate it'. It almost seemed as if her parents believed she did every bad thing you'd ever hear of a teen doing, although she was just trying to have a 'normal' life.

She was a typical teen who ended up with crazy parents, and came to live with us for a year and a half. It was hard for all of us to adjust, particularly as I am an only child, but my parents got her into regular counseling (I went with her, too, so we could work out issues before they got too big to handle), put her back into a Catholic high school, she got to have a more normal life, and graduated from college with no help from or contact with her parents. She is now a successful businesswoman in Florida with three children of her own. She has a somewhat normal relationship with her parents, and it was the younger sister who ended up using drugs and being the 'wild child'.

I learned a lot during those couple of years about the kind of parent I wanted to be, from both my parents and hers.

 

[golfgal]

Sometimes it is a necessary course of action. I don't foresee needing to do this with my children but I know of others that might. In the long run it will be in the best interest of the child to HAVE to move out, grow up and support himself/herself but a tough road to get to that point I am sure.

 

[cirquelovers]

My Mother threw me out on Christmas day of my Senior year. She wanted to be with both her boyfriends and I told them what she was doing. She even changed the locks while I was down at a friends trying to call my Dad in another state. He eventually forced her to let us in and give us 72 hours to find a place to live. People wonder why I really don't like Christmas!! It made for an interesting year but we, my brother and I, survived it together. I don't know what I would have done without him!

 

[PatsGirl]

Sometimes it is a necessary course of action. I don't foresee needing to do this with my children but I know of others that might. In the long run it will be in the best interest of the child to HAVE to move out, grow up and support himself/herself but a tough road to get to that point I am sure.

Amen to the "tough road getting there"

 

[LuvOrlando]

No, abso-flippin-lutely not and if one of my kids ever left there would be a swarm of PI's on their tail faster than they could get on a bus.

I would also open my door to any child who ever needs it.

 

[BeefJerky]

Sometimes it is a necessary course of action. I don't foresee needing to do this with my children but I know of others that might. In the long run it will be in the best interest of the child to HAVE to move out, grow up and support himself/herself but a tough road to get to that point I am sure.

I don't really agree. Until the kid is 18 he is the parent's responsibility.

 

[Disneyland Princess]

My parents have never threatened to kick me out, and truly I dont think my parents would even go that far. They would want to work it out any way possible instead of kick me out to deal with whatever problems i would be causing on my own.

My best friend in High School did on the other hand get kicked out at 19. She was skipping her college classes, blowing off tests, drinking, sneaking out, and doing drugs. She had become associated with the wrong people and her mother was fed up with it. So she kicked her out. I still talk to her sometimes but truly her life isn't turning out so great, she can't keep a job (parties every night, comes in drunk or high, stuff like that), and lives on anyone's couch she can crash on. I wonder what would have happened if her and her mom tried to work it out instead of never talking to her again sometimes...

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I almost didn't read this because it brings back bad memories but my aunt and uncle threw their 17 year old daughter (my cousin) out and tole her to go live with your friends. She had some girl and guy friends who were also having issues with their parents and the kids got a 3 bedroom apt, got jobs and shared the rent. My cousin used to break curfew and stay there until all hours of the night. There was alcohol and marijuana involved. She come home at 5 in the morning stoned. They basically lost control of her with all the fighting. So they packed up her clothes when she was in school and put the suitcases by the front door.

It caused a lot of problems between my father (her uncle) and his brother. My dad's brother refused to let us take her in, but my dad asked her anyway. Well, she turned us down over the party life she was living. She ended up getting pregnant at 17 and the boy (18) left to move to another state with his grandmother. Unfortunately she miscarried, but that snapped her out of being the rebel child and she's back home with a new relationship with her parents.

But it was very hard to see happen in my family even though it turned out ok in the end. She's in college now, living at home, and is studying nursing.


I don't like to judge people who throw their teens out because the situation may be the last resort, but I can't imagine giving up on your 17 year old like that and showing them the door.

 

[collegejunkie]

i also wanted to add that my boyfriend's dad and stepmom threw him out when he was 16. they didn't want him in the house with them so they paid for him to live in an apartment on his own, but once high school graduation came, they told him he was on his own. he was already working to pay for groceries and stuff like that and there was no way he could afford rent on his own, especially where we live. my mom let him live with us, and he's now a huge part of our family. by the way, he was not a bad kid at all. 4.0, 2300+ on SAT, 35 on the ACT, accepted to multiple top schools, great kid all around. they just didn't want him anymore. very, very sad.

 

[Magpie]

I never have, but I have to be honest & say I think my kids are abnormal as they really didn't give us any major problems.

One of my dance students is currently going through a rough time with her mom. She is living with her aunt right now. I heard some stories on what may have happened & I try not to judge anyone, but it's hard because I don't "know" "that girl" who was fighting with her mom. I only know the mature, responsible, sweet natured girl who is my student and assistant.

Most times people don't know what a teen is like to their own family.

I keep reminding myself of this!

Her mother's complaints about her range from, "She's always out with her cousin trolling the neighbourhood for boys!" (I frequently see the girls sitting on a hill near our house talking. No boys in sight.) "She's always home, she never goes out anywhere." (I thought the problem was that she was out too much?) "She's shallow!" "She's morally bankrupt." "All she cares about is her appearance." "She thinks the world's going to provide for her." "She hangs out with a bad crowd." (Her "crowd" is her cousin, who is a sweet girl but her family is on welfare.)

Now, the child does put on the bubble-headed party girl routine sometimes, but it's always quite clearly an act. I think she does it to drive her mother crazy.

And unfortunately her mother is under a huge amount of stress, as she was a struggling single parent who married a much older, wealthier man a few years ago. She quit working, went on a lot of trips and bought a nice car. And now he's very sick, and their money is running out, and she's become his primary caregiver. She can't cope.

I honestly wonder if the girl just misses having her mother all to herself.

 

[Liberty Belle]

NEVER. And I can't think of any reason why I would.

 

[perdidochas]

This one surprised me...

My neighbour and her 17yo daughter fight a lot. It's very reminiscent of my own childhood, and I've found myself in the odd position a few times of commiserating with both the mom and the daughter. I have a lot of sympathy for both of them.

Now the mother has occasionally told ME that she threatens to throw her daughter out, but I always assumed she was exaggerating. I never figured she actually said anything like that to the kid. Then the other day, the daughter commented to us that when they fight her mother will point to the door and say, "Get out! Just, go!" or threaten to throw her out if she does or doesn't... (fill in the blank). She apparently told her daughter that she will "disinherit her" if she gets a tattoo. In our house that would be a joke, but this kid is taking it seriously. "She says she won't have a daughter any more. But I don't care. As soon as I turn 18, I'm getting a tattoo! I already know which one."

I told the kid I'm sure her mother would be devastated if she ever did really walk out. However, the kid didn't look convinced, so I reminded her that she's always welcome over at our house, any time of the day or night.

But this strikes me as one heck of a dangerous thing to say to a teenage girl. I mean, what if she does walk out some day?

My mother and I fought viciously, but she never once threatened to throw me out of the house. I always knew she loved me, fiercely. And that she needed me!

So... is this something you've ever said to your kids? Did your parents say it to you? Does anyone ever really mean it?

The problem is that once you have a teenager who passes 18, the only control you have over them is throwing them out if they don't follow your rules. The mother obviously feels strongly that tattoos are a life-altering mistake (I agree with the mother on that). I think you are enabling this girl's rebellion. It isn't your fight.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

The problem is that once you have a teenager who passes 18, the only control you have over them is throwing them out if they don't follow your rules. The mother obviously feels strongly that tattoos are a life-altering mistake (I agree with the mother on that). I think you are enabling this girl's rebellion. It isn't your fight.

Even at 18, they are still your children and impressionable.

It's only a tattoo, I would think there are worse things that they could do than get a tattoo.

What if it was Minnie Mouse or a butterfly? Getting thrown out for that. Even if it wasn't I just think that is so harsh and sad.

 

[perdidochas]

Even at 18, they are still your children and impressionable.

It's only a tattoo, I would think there are worse things that they could do than get a tattoo.

What if it was Minnie Mouse or a butterfly? Getting thrown out for that. Even if it wasn't I just think that is so harsh and sad.

On the other hand, why is this tattoo so important to the teen that she is willing to be kicked out for it? There are two sides to this. I think the tattoo isn't the real issue--the real issue is authority.

The problem is at 18, most teens aren't quite capable of living well on their own, but they legally can make most decisions for themselves.

 

[samoajoe]

No but if you think that the behavior is a problem with your child, the discipline and supervision at a military school are second to none. Your child will be kept busy with worthwhile activities and watched 24/7.