Have you ever gone to a function where you had to PAY for soda???

[Nana Annie]

Oh- and I still think just offering water at a reception is cheap and tacky and rude. JMHO.

And complaining about what the hosts have spent on you at their party is even tackier and ruder.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

No, I'm not. Several posters stated that if they go to a wedding they expect to be fed a meal and that serving cake and lemonade/punch is tacky. That opinion is tacky, presumptuous, snobbish, and rude. If they expect to be fed, then stay home and eat at home and don't come to my wedding. I refused to go into credit card debt over my wedding and if people had problems with me not serving them a meal, they could have stayed home. I personally chose a time for my wedding that was not a mealtime to prevent the expectation that there would be a meal served.

In the South, a lunch is expected for a 11:00/12:00 wedding with no alcohol, a 2:00/3:00 wedding calls for dessert, and a dinner time (5:00 or thereafter) calls for dinner and perhaps a bar, but one is definitely not expected, nor is an open bar expected. Most weddings and receptions are held at the church or country club, where alcohol is not served.

I think this is a key thing. It may be different in other areas. Here on LI your wedding could be at 2am and you will get a full sit down meal with a cocktail hour and dessert.

 

[stitchlilo]

This is my case in point. If you are coming to the wedding for a free meal, then just stay at home.

What about being gracious and honoring the couple on their new life together? Taking away from a planned gift because you were put off by their reception seems a little haughty.

Actually a gift is NOT required when attending a wedding. If you can throw a meal free, soda free, etc. wedding then I can attend with my missing gift.

 

[creativeamanda]

I think this is a key thing. It may be different in other areas. Here on LI your wedding could be at 2am and you will get a full sit down meal with a cocktail hour and dessert.

I'll make a mental note not to invite anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line to my daughters' weddings to prevent people from thinking we are tacky.

 

[lillygator]

I never knew a gift was expected either....I really don't think it's a regional thing. I think people offer what they offer (meal, drinks, etc) based on their budget.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If you are treated to some sort of refreshment, be it punch and cake or an extravagent sit down meal, water or a full bar, you are being treated like an honored guest.

If YOU feel that the only way you are a guest is to get free alcohol and a full, expensive meal, then that is your problem and not the host's problem.

If YOU want something more than the bridal party has decided is appropriate for their party (ie: alcohol vs. their water), then you can make the choice to pay for it. But it is your choice. I think it wonderful that brides give their guests another choice besides water.

I had no idea that there was a monetary value placed on how honored a guest is nor did I know that you could only be a guest if you got free alcohol.

If all you are offering is a sprig of mint and a splash of water then fine. But if you are offering a sprig of mint and a splash of water for free but for the low low price of 29.99 your guests can buy a meal then you are tacky and a bad host. Offer what you can afford but don't offer what others have to pay for. I don't need alcohol or lobster but if you are going to offer it then as a HOST you should not be billing me for it.

 

[creativeamanda]

Actually a gift is NOT required when attending a wedding. If you can throw a meal free, soda free, etc. wedding then I can attend with my missing gift.

I'm not saying a gift is required. I certainly did not expect gifts. I wanted family there for the ceremony and frankly could not have cared less about the reception. Which is probably why oftentimes I don't even attend receptions.

 

[mjkacmom]

No, I'm not. Several posters stated that if they go to a wedding they expect to be fed a meal and that serving cake and lemonade/punch is tacky. That opinion is tacky, presumptuous, snobbish, and rude. If they expect to be fed, then stay home and eat at home and don't come to my wedding. I refused to go into credit card debt over my wedding and if people had problems with me not serving them a meal, they could have stayed home. I personally chose a time for my wedding that was not a mealtime to prevent the expectation that there would be a meal served.

In the South, a lunch is expected for a 11:00/12:00 wedding with no alcohol, a 2:00/3:00 wedding calls for dessert, and a dinner time (5:00 or thereafter) calls for dinner and perhaps a bar, but one is definitely not expected, nor is an open bar expected. Most weddings and receptions are held at the church or country club, where alcohol is not served.

But not everyone who posted on this thread is from the south - here in the NE, we do not do punch - I've never even seen punch! What is considered tacky here, is the norm other places, and things that are the norm here, are considered tacky other places. Big or small, it is considered tacky to have a cash bar HERE, and weddings = party = lots of food!

 

[Nana Annie]

Every firm function we have is open bar. Most people know better than to get too drunk at a firm function but it happens occasionally. Law firms are slightly different animals though... I know of many large firms that have weekly firm-sponsored happy hours on Friday afternoons for the attorneys. We are just a drunk profession I guess.

A friend of ours is a partner in a large law firm. He has invited us up to his office for drinks before we go out to dinner.

While most board rooms I know of have work supplies in their cupboards, his board room has every cupboard stocked with more liquor than a liquor store. This is for the Friday afternoon partner meetings.

I definitely went into the wrong profession

 

[kerrynic78]

I'll make a mental note not to invite anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line to my daughters' weddings to prevent people from thinking we are tacky.

Wow, what a sweeping generalization.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'll make a mental note not to invite anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line to my daughters' weddings to prevent people from thinking we are tacky.

Look- if that is the norm where you live then so be it. No need to get snooty because that is not the norm here. To be honest- I have more food for my kid's birthday parties then some people here have for their weddings. Have the party you want and can afford. There is nothing wrong with that. Charging guests for anything at your party is what is tacky.

 

[SeaSpray]

First of all - HOLY COW!! I left this thread last night at Page 5, and now it's HUGE!!

Secondly - I should've been more clear in my original post: THERE WAS NOTHING TO DRINK FOR FREE EXCEPT HOT COFFEE.

eh, I don't know. In some areas they do cash bars. My opinion is if you can't afford an open bar, then you are inviting too many people and you should pair it down to something you can afford. Even if you don't serve alcohol and just have a soda and tea open bar. I usually see people inviting tons of people for 2 reasons, 1)to prove how many friends they have, and 2) GIFT GRAB! So no, I don't like cash bars.

However, I've seen them done at weddings where I understood...like a young couple who come from poor families, but really want to share their day with all of their family and friends. I have been to them where I understand the reasons.

And I gotta say, did your DH really NEED to go to an ATM so you could have a drink with your meal? Surely water was free? Iced tea? One does not NEED soda with a meal...Honestly, if one wants to weigh anywhere in the healthy range, once does not drink soda with meals. I expect to pay at a cash bar, I wouldn't have really thought twice about having to pay for soda...soda is not a need.

NOTHING was free, except hot coffee, which during dinner I am not even sure that the coffee pot had been filled or not. I saw the coffee pot over in the corner next to the cake, but did not check it out because it was HOT yesterday and I don't usually drink coffee at all, let alone with dinner.

Secondly, not that it's any of your business, but I have not bought soda for my household for the last few YEARS. All we have to drink in this house is spring water (we have a water cooler and get water deliveries). Wow, talk about taking a thread into a different direction! LOL

Thirdly, MY weight, or ANYONE ELSE'S weight is none of your business.

SO YES, MY DH DID HAVE TO GO TO THE ATM SO WE COULD HAVE A BEVERAGE WITH OUR MEAL. GEESH!!!

Edited to add: Tap water *may* have been free, but honestly I didn't even want to approach the bar to ask because sometimes ANYTHING you get at a bar has a cost, including a cup of water. And since DH was willing to run to an ATM for money for a cup of soda (again, the choices were alcohol or soda, available at a bar), then I didn't need to consider drinking tap water.

I'm sorry but IMHO taking money out of the gift is very tacky. No one is making you buy a drink (unless of course it is like in the OP and not even tea or water was served).

Even considering the no-beverage situation, we did not and would not consider changing our gift.

And thank you for noticing the fact that NO BEVERAGE other than coffee had been available.



Now I'm afraid to continue to read this thread; I have no idea where it may have headed off to!!!

 

[lillygator]

I find it hard to believe there was no water.

 

[EthansMom]

OP, was anything other than coffee offered to drink? IMO, a punch or lemonade should also have been offered, but if coffee, tea, and lemonade were offered but soda had to be purchased at the cash bar, then I'd have no problem with that. If hot coffee was the only choice, then I might've been a bit miffed (as I don't drink coffee).

I don't mind whether there is no bar, a cash bar, or an open bar. I do prefer that I am treated well as a guest and that the wedding couple (or host/hostess) don't place undue expectations upon their guests. Also, if a wedding (or party) is at or near a mealtime and you will not be serving a full meal, please inform guests ("Cake Reception" for instance) so that they can plan accordingly.

 

[Nana Annie]

I still don't understand it. If you are poor, and have a lot of people to invite, just serve punch and cake.

But others on this thread have specifically said they would have been highly offended and that it would be tacky to just serve punch and cake. They have stated that they expect to be fed and wined and dined at a reception, otherwise they were not being treated like "guests."

Otherwise, they will open the envelope and remove part of the gift they planned to give because the bride's reception was not up to their standards.

A bride can't just can't win these days, no matter what choices they make.

 

[creativeamanda]

If all you are offering is a sprig of mint and a splash of water then fine. But if you are offering a sprig of mint and a splash of water for free but for the low low price of 29.99 your guests can buy a meal then you are tacky and a bad host. Offer what you can afford but don't offer what others have to pay for. I don't need alcohol or lobster but if you are going to offer it then as a HOST you should not be billing me for it.

But you contradict this by saying these things:

I think this is a key thing. It may be different in other areas. Here on LI your wedding could be at 2am and you will get a full sit down meal with a cocktail hour and dessert.

To each their own but I would not invite people to a reception and not feed them. Oh- and if people are coming from out of town how do you not feed them? I am not being rude but these people talking about mints and nuts? I eat a mint when I leave a restaurant or I want fresh breath. How do you actually "serve" mints and nuts? Does everyone take one? Do they get them in a plate, a baggie, a handful? I keep seeing this and I cannot even picture how this is done.

Oh- and I still think just offering water at a reception is cheap and tacky and rude. JMHO.

You personally think that at a wedding you should get a free, expensive meal complete with drinks or the money envelope you bring as a gift would be lighter. What's tackier? Offering some beverage for free, while also offering a cash bar or taking money out of the envelope for a gift because you did not get the reception you expected? In that case, you are paying for the reception, whether it be directly or indirectly.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

But others on this thread have specifically said they would have been highly offended and that it would be tacky to just serve punch and cake. They have stated that they expect to be fed and wined and dined at a reception, otherwise they were not being treated like "guests."

Otherwise, they will open the envelope and remove part of the gift they planned to give because the bride's reception was not up to their standards.

A bride can't just can't win these days, no matter what choices they make.

Well I ftr don't feel that way. If I had to pay for stuff at your reception I would feel that way because you did not treat me as a guest but rather as a customer and gift giver.

 

[Brian Noble]

I do not expect a meal at a reception unless it is at a meal time---a mid-day wedding with an afternoon reception might well call for nothing other than a sweet something or other, plus some time for the couple to enjoy the company of their friends. If this is what the couple can (or chooses to) afford, I do not begrudge them this. This is how they have chosen to celebrate their marriage.

If it were me, I would prefer to host a reception that I could afford, rather than ask my guests to pay for part of it with me. If that means iced tea and cupcakes that I made myself, then that's what it means.

My wedding gift for a couple is independent of the expected glitz and scale of the wedding. It is based on my relationship with the couple and my financial situation. And, the better I know the couple, the less likely I'll be buying off the registry---I prefer to find something that expresses how I see them as a couple, though I do have a few old chestnuts that I haul out for difficult cases.

 

[SeaSpray]

I find it hard to believe there was no water.

I just edited my post right above this one to add that tap water may have been available at the bar; but since my DH wanted a diet coke to go with our meal, he left to go to the ATM, so I didn't have to consider whether I wanted to approach the bar to see if they'd give me a cup of tap water or not, for free.

OP, was anything other than coffee offered to drink? IMO, a punch or lemonade should also have been offered, but if coffee, tea, and lemonade were offered but soda had to be purchased at the cash bar, then I'd have no problem with that. If hot coffee was the only choice, then I might've been a bit miffed (as I don't drink coffee).

I don't mind whether there is no bar, a cash bar, or an open bar. I do prefer that I am treated well as a guest and that the wedding couple (or host/hostess) don't place undue expectations upon their guests. Also, if a wedding (or party) is at or near a mealtime and you will not be serving a full meal, please inform guests ("Cake Reception" for instance) so that they can plan accordingly.

NOTHING other than the coffee pot that I saw next to the cake table. Before and during the meal, nobody was going near that table, so I don't know if, at that point, there was coffee even in the pot or not.

DH and I simply wanted something cold to sip with our meal; nothing more, nothing less. LOL Even if there had been pitchers of ice water on each table, we would've been fine with that

 

[creativeamanda]

Wow, what a sweeping generalization.

No more sweeping of a generalization than calling anyone who does not have a full meal at their wedding tacky without knowing the details.