Guests paying to attend birthday party. Is this a growing trend?

[kirstenb1]

How much could some punch and mints, cost, anyway...

Okay,this is just wrong. Our reception, 21 years ago was at an historic house on the river with full bar and buffet. I don't know anyone who had a reception with punch and mints. Well...maybe the Southern baptists served punch instead of alcohol, but still....

I do realize that the "cover your PLate" philosophy seems to be a Northeast tradition, but it would be unusual in the traditional Southern wedding. If I attended a wedding in the Northeast, I would conform to your tradition, but it's typically not conventional here.

 

[katesorad]

When I was a kid, under 12 or 13, I always had smaller parties, because that's what my parents could afford. My parents would just have them at the house and rent a moonwalk (they were cheap back in the day!), and order pizzas and cake. I recall a few times we did something different.. once I had a dress up party at a costume shop, and another time right after a Build a Bear came to my area, I got to take 2 friends to make bears and do lunch at the mall.

For my sweet 16, my parents got me a Hummer limo and let me invite 5 friends to go up to Disneyland for the day (we live in San Diego). My parents payed for everything and didn't expect anyone to give them anything back.

My point is.. my parents threw parties for me that they were financially capable of doing. There were years that I didn't even have parties. But my friends and I would always get together for my birthday to do something special, no matter what.. so I don't understand why these parents would expect other people to pay their party off for them? It's just kind of silly.

 

[allison443]

When I was a kid, under 12 or 13, I always had smaller parties, because that's what my parents could afford. My parents would just have them at the house and rent a moonwalk (they were cheap back in the day!), and order pizzas and cake. I recall a few times we did something different.. once I had a dress up party at a costume shop, and another time right after a Build a Bear came to my area, I got to take 2 friends to make bears and do lunch at the mall.

For my sweet 16, my parents got me a Hummer limo and let me invite 5 friends to go up to Disneyland for the day (we live in San Diego). My parents payed for everything and didn't expect anyone to give them anything back.

My point is.. my parents threw parties for me that they were financially capable of doing. There were years that I didn't even have parties. But my friends and I would always get together for my birthday to do something special, no matter what.. so I don't understand why these parents would expect other people to pay their party off for them? It's just kind of silly.

What kinds of things did you and your friends get together and do?

 

[AustinTink]

What's this "cover your plate" wedding guest thing? Is it your customary in a certain part of the country to give money as a wedding gift, or in addition to the wedding gift? Can someone answer this for me? I'm not familiar with the phrase.

 

[hugscot]

What's this "cover your plate" wedding guest thing? Is it your customary in a certain part of the country to give money as a wedding gift, or in addition to the wedding gift? Can someone answer this for me? I'm not familiar with the phrase.

In the South we give gifts and up North they give money at weddings. In the North they would think it weird to get a gift instead of money. I kinda like the money thing better as dealing with returning all the extra, duplicate, or distasteful stuff is a pain.

 

[Julia M]

If I'm holding the party and sending out "real" invitations, I will host what I can afford. I hosted a dinner party before Homecoming this year and did the entire dinner. The same for birthday parties I host, confirmations, graduations and so on.

Now, if my daughter is organizing it, and it's informal, I think the kids tend to pay their own way. The same way my girlfriends and I do. We just did a New years Eve party. All four couples paid for the Prime Rib, and we each brought a dish to share.

Julia

 

[JennaTX]

I would never ask my kids guests to pay.

However I do tell my kids that if they want their party where it is $30 per guest they are limited to the amount of people they ask compared to maybe a skating rink around $13 per guest.

 

[jrmasm]

In the South we give gifts and up North they give money at weddings. In the North they would think it weird to get a gift instead of money. I kinda like the money thing better as dealing with returning all the extra, duplicate, or distasteful stuff is a pain.

That should read "in certain parts of the North". I live in the Northeast and covering your plate is not common practice here. I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I believe it's most common in the NY metro area.

 

[Helene]

In the South we give gifts and up North they give money at weddings. In the North they would think it weird to get a gift instead of money. I kinda like the money thing better as dealing with returning all the extra, duplicate, or distasteful stuff is a pain.

For added clarification...."cover the plate" refers to what amount is appropriate for the cash gift. The unofficial guideline is that the gift should at least cover what the couple is paying for in terms of the dinner. For example, if it's estimated that the venue is $50pp, a couple attending the wedding would gift at least $100.

I live in NE PA and this was the custom I grew up with. Can't say everyone I know follows it, as evidenced by some of the gifts we received ....lmao

 

[Ember]

I don't think what the OP described (going to the movies, a $10 bowling night, etc.) qualifies as a big party. Do you? Especially as it is probably a reciprocal type of thing, where the group goes out for each person's birthday so each person gets treated to a night out. I actually think it's kind of nice for teens to get together socially and celebrate someone's birthday.

Does a group of friends treating another friend to dinner for their birthday really create a sense of entitlement?

If there's an expectation of gifts, as in a birthday, then yes, I do think it qualifies as a party and should be hosted.

Do I think going dutch is a bad thing? Not at all. But you can't expect guests to pay for your party and bring you homage in gifts. But it seems many people expect exactly this.

More and more people in general seem to be out for themselves, with events (birthdays, engagements, weddings, baby showers, etc.) being nothing more than an attempt to soak friends and family for money and gifts. It's a culture of greed and it's starting younger and younger because no one is teaching their children that continual self interest is wrong. Anyway, that's totally off topic and just my own personal pet peeve.

OP, I applaud your efforts to teach your child that such things are rude. Perhaps if there were more parents like you, there would be less selfish adults who feel entitled to everything.

 

[AustinTink]

For added clarification...."cover the plate" refers to what amount is appropriate for the cash gift. The unofficial guideline is that the gift should at least cover what the couple is paying for in terms of the dinner. For example, if it's estimated that the venue is $50pp, a couple attending the wedding would gift at least $100.

I live in NE PA and this was the custom I grew up with. Can't say everyone I know follows it, as evidenced by some of the gifts we received ....lmao

Thanks to everyone for clarifying. I must admit I had never heard of this custom. But, it does kind of seem to go hand-in-hand with this thread. If the bride and groom can't afford a big wedding, they have no business having one. No?

Do they also register for gifts somewhere? Is a cash donation (for lack of a better word) and a gift expected? I would have felt weird receiving money at my wedding. But, I was 26 and gainfully employed. We paid for the wedding ourselves, not our parents. That's the other thing, if the wedding is paid for by the bride's parents, shouldn't they get they "cover your plate" haul?

 

[allison443]

Thanks to everyone for clarifying. I must admit I had never heard of this custom. But, it does kind of seem to go hand-in-hand with this thread. If the bride and groom can't afford a big wedding, they have no business having one. No?

Do they also register for gifts somewhere? Is a cash donation (for lack of a better word) and a gift expected? I would have felt weird receiving money at my wedding. But, I was 26 and gainfully employed. We paid for the wedding ourselves, not our parents. That's the other thing, if the wedding is paid for by the bride's parents, shouldn't they get they "cover your plate" haul?

People give money as the gift. It's not a donation, it's a gift. Have you ever given cash or a gift card (which is essentially money) as a gift for anything, like Christmas or a birthday? People choose to do that for weddings in certain regions/areas/social circles. Not everyone gives money, people still do give actual gifts. Actual gifts are also given at the wedding shower.

Why does it matter who pays for the wedding? The guests shouldn't even know who is paying for the wedding, should they? Wouldn't that be tacky to discuss wedding costs with the guests? The gift, whether a check or a actual gift, is being given to the wedding couple. I think many couples, especially if having many guests at a wedding, would welcome receiving gifts of money to start out their life together instead of something like crystal/silverware/good china (all things that I received at my wedding and rarely if ever use.)

I don't adhere to the cover your plate mentality, nor did I serve punch and mints at my reception. However, I recognize both are ways that different people/areas celebrate their weddings!

 

[AustinTink]

People give money as the gift. It's not a donation, it's a gift. Have you ever given cash or a gift card (which is essentially money) as a gift for anything, like Christmas or a birthday? People choose to do that for weddings in certain regions/areas/social circles. Not everyone gives money, people still do give actual gifts. Actual gifts are also given at the wedding shower.

Why does it matter who pays for the wedding? The guests shouldn't even know who is paying for the wedding, should they? Wouldn't that be tacky to discuss wedding costs with the guests? The gift, whether a check or a actual gift, is being given to the wedding couple. I think many couples, especially if having many guests at a wedding, would welcome receiving gifts of money to start out their life together instead of something like crystal/silverware/good china (all things that I received at my wedding and rarely if ever use.)

I don't adhere to the cover your plate mentality, nor did I serve punch and mints at my reception. However, I recognize both are ways that different people/areas celebrate their weddings!

I think the bolded part is what rubs me the wrong way. I'm one of the weird ones that think you shouldn't get married unless you are financially stable. I give money when my relatives and friends graduate college, to me that's when you are really starting out in life. I rarely ever give cash or gift cards, otherwise. I enjoy choosing the perfect gifts for people.

I have to say I love the fact that I have a full set of china, silver and crystal, received from my wedding registry. I do use them at dinner parties, holidays, etc.

 

[AustinTink]

People give money as the gift. It's not a donation, it's a gift. Have you ever given cash or a gift card (which is essentially money) as a gift for anything, like Christmas or a birthday? People choose to do that for weddings in certain regions/areas/social circles. Not everyone gives money, people still do give actual gifts. Actual gifts are also given at the wedding shower.

Why does it matter who pays for the wedding? The guests shouldn't even know who is paying for the wedding, should they? Wouldn't that be tacky to discuss wedding costs with the guests? The gift, whether a check or a actual gift, is being given to the wedding couple. I think many couples, especially if having many guests at a wedding, would welcome receiving gifts of money to start out their life together instead of something like crystal/silverware/good china (all things that I received at my wedding and rarely if ever use.)

I don't adhere to the cover your plate mentality, nor did I serve punch and mints at my reception. However, I recognize both are ways that different people/areas celebrate their weddings!

I was kidding when I said the bride's parents should get the cash, hence the wink smiley.

 

[allison443]

I think the bolded part is what rubs me the wrong way. I'm one of the weird ones that think you shouldn't get married unless you are financially stable. I give money when my relatives and friends graduate college, to me that's when you are really starting out in life. I rarely ever give cash or gift cards, otherwise. I enjoy choosing the perfect gifts for people.

I have to say I love the fact that I have a full set of china, silver and crystal, received from my wedding registry. I do use them at dinner parties, holidays, etc.

Oh I agree about being financially stable when you get married! If you need or expect the money gifts to pay for the wedding, you can't afford the wedding imho! But everyone can use more money for savings, put towards a house, save for when they have a baby etc.

I think many people do get the traditional wedding gifts of crystal, china, etc. at the shower and wedding, but also get monetary gifts from other people. Especially if you have a large wedding, there are only so many place settings you want/need.

 

[design_mom]

Let me be more specific-tacky for a kid's party, for a teen get together, pretty normal.

I agree:

I guess to me, it depends on whether a gift is still expected.

When I got to high school, kids would stop having "birthday parties," but we'd often get together to celebrate someone's birthday. Usually everyone would pay for themselves, and maybe kick in a couple of bucks to cover the birthday person's cost...but no gifts were given.

Usually, it was a friend of the birthday person who organized it, not the birthday person him/herself... and usually we had to find our own way there (rides not provided). The fact that the birthday-person's parents are providing transportation is pretty nice.

If it's a true "birthday party" (gifts expected) then I agree it's tacky, but if it's a teen get-together (come celebrate with me), then I don't have a problem with it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think the bolded part is what rubs me the wrong way. I'm one of the weird ones that think you shouldn't get married unless you are financially stable. I give money when my relatives and friends graduate college, to me that's when you are really starting out in life. I rarely ever give cash or gift cards, otherwise. I enjoy choosing the perfect gifts for people.

I have to say I love the fact that I have a full set of china, silver and crystal, received from my wedding registry. I do use them at dinner parties, holidays, etc.

Giving money as a wedding gift her has nothing to do with the financial stability of the couple - it's just been the traditional gift here, for many, many decades. My parents paid for my wedding, and I received money from most guests (we had some from other regions). We also give money for religious milestones, both Catholic and Jewish.

We do bridal registries, for shower gifts.

 

[AustinTink]

Giving money as a wedding gift her has nothing to do with the financial stability of the couple - it's just been the traditional gift here, for many, many decades. My parents paid for my wedding, and I received money from most guests (we had some from other regions). We also give money for religious milestones, both Catholic and Jewish.

We do bridal registries, for shower gifts.

Yeah, I get it. I'm just not feelin' it. No biggie, to each his own. But, that does answer my question from before. A gift in addition to money is given. A gift from the shower and an envelope at the wedding.

 

[missypie]

Last year over winter break, younger D (then 14) was invited to a birthday lunch at Outback Steakhouse. She didn't even like the girl very much but I pretty much made her go because I figured attendance would be light over break. The invititation didn't say anything about money but I sent her with a $20, just in case. So glad I did....each girl paid for her own lunch...that's pretty expensive place to ask folks to pay for!

 

[DisneyScraps]

i think a lot depends on the invitation and the age. For a kid I would be offended. As a teenager to hear "Mom we are going to a movies and out to dinner to celebrate Ashkey's birthday, can I have 20.00 for the ticket and meal?" that would not bother me. To get a formal invitation telling us how much money to bring I would be upset and refuse to let her go,

Lisa