Grown children of divorced parents - dividing holidays

[khertz]

DH's parents are divorced, but in addition to that, another issue with holidays is distance. For us, it's a 2 hour drive to my parent's house, and a 3.5 hour drive to my MIL's house. It makes for a very long day in the car for any holiday. We used to stick it out when it was just DH and I, but once we had kids, we changed it up. We now have Thanksgiving all together in a party room at my mom's preschool, and it's great. We can see literally everyone and there's enough people that anyone who doesn't want to interact (MIL & FIL) don't have to. It's still a 2 hour drive, but it's doable.

Christmas is the real issue, so now we just stay home. MIL hosts at her house every year, and it has come down to a fight almost every single year that we don't go there. I used to stress about it, now I don't care at all. After pressuring DH for MONTHS prior to the holiday season (she actually told DH he needed to just "put his foot down" with me and tell me we needed to go to her house...too bad for her, he doesn't want to go either, he just doesn't want to tell her that!), she cornered me on Thanksgiving when she overheard me telling someone we were planning to stay home for Christmas. She gave me this sob story about wanting her whole family together for the holidays, and had no response when I told her that's exactly what we have on Thanksgiving and that I thought it wasn't so much about seeing us for Christmas as it was guilting us into going to her house for Christmas. I don't want my son having to get up crazy early to open his presents in a hurry for us to hit the road and spend no less than 6 hours in the car all day just to visit with people we saw the month before on the last holiday. It upsets her, but I have stopped caring. Last year we got up, watched DS open his presents, then spent the entire day in our pajamas watching Christmas movies, cooking up the holiday foods we like, and playing with DS's new toys. It was amazing! We have stayed home the last 2 Christmases and MIL has balked each time. Hopefully this year she will accept it a little easier, but I doubt it.

Sorry, that turned into a MIL rant. lol She makes holidays way more stressful than what is necessary, so in short, we do what works for us!!

 

[IceSkatingPrincess]

Both my and DH's parents are divorced, so it makes for a lot of visiting! We are lucky that most people are really flexible. My Mom is a pastor so Christmas day isn't a good day to get time with her, so we will see his Dad. My dad doesn't particularly care, so he gets whatever is available. Usually we will see my Mom on Christmas eve and his Mom the day after Christmas.

 

[tvguy]

My In-Laws divorced when DW was 9. MIL moved half way across the country with DW. The only holiday DW spent with her father was 22 years later when we flew back to be there for Christmas with our son. DD wasn't born yet and never got to spend a holiday with her Grandfather.
My FIL came out to visit about every other year, but never at a holiday. He made it clear he could never be in the same room with my MIL because he still had some very bad feeling about their divorce. So joint holidays were never an option.

Since Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't usually days off work for DW and I unless we are lucky enough to get vacation then , any holiday celebration has to work around or work schedule. Christmas is usually simple and at our house after work. Thanksgiving is always at our house on the Saturday after real Thanksgiving.

Now that all the Grandparents have passed away, and our kids are grown and no grand kids at least yet, no more juggling.

 

[jec6613]

My parents are divorced, and one lives up the road and the other 750 miles away, so major holidays are the distant parent, every other day is the close one.

Now that I'm getting married, though, we're starting to host some holidays. Much simpler, and if they can't put their big kid pants on it's their problem.

 

[littleblackegg]

A friend with lots of married kids has them over for Thanksgiving the weekend before the holiday. Then she can serve whatever she wants and the kids can't complain they already had it two other times that day. It also avoids a lot of scheduling conflicts with the in-laws, out-laws, and everyone else.

Our Thanksgivings are still flexible. A sis-in-law gets her nose out of joint when everyone doesn't flock to her home where her DH cooks (she mostly presides.) Last time we were there, her incontinent dog had an accident under the dining room table, and the not-so-great nieces and nephews were running around screaming -- too much family drama. I'd rather go with the best offer. Last year our 18-yr-old grand-dtr wanted to fix dinner for us, so she brought her turkey here and I helped her with whatever she wanted. This year DH and I might go visit my side of the family, since my mom isn't getting any younger and we haven't seen her in awhile.

DH and I hosted a Christmas Eve party for his side of the extended family for about 30 years. Now that his mother has passed and I really don't want to continue hosting (and the number of relatives has outgrown our home) DH and I happily go visit DD and her young family out of town.

"I'd rather go with the best offer." This is the best answer so far, and exactly how we handle it in our huge family. We go with the best cooks (usually my FIL and his wife), the best company (same) and where we can be with the oldest family members (important in a Greek family). We have a great time every year. My FIL is a larger-than-life Greek man with a restaurant-type kitchen and a huge heart. Everybody comes for Christmas, even if there are family spats.

 

[BellsFam]

My parent's divorce wasn't MY fault. I don't divide the holidays or birthdays. Everyone is invited to my house. Get along or don't come....works out reasonably well. They show up and behave.

I tried this it got too expensive for me to host the holidays...

Now my dad has a Christmas at his house the Saturday before ( he has a son, me and two kids with his now wife)...

Thanksgiving is with DHs family, Christmas Eve is with my family, Christmas Day is alone... We do gifts with dd in the am and if family wants to come over they do...

Easter we run between whomever is having a dinner/get together. We'll do brunch with one family and dinner with another...

It's just a day, don't bother with me on one day a year if you forget me on all the rest...

 

[greatbigbeautifultomorrow]

I basically do the day before/the day of for each parent. So, say Christmas Eve with mom then Christmas day with dad. Same thing with Thanksgiving. The day before Thanksgiving with dad, day of Thanksgiving with mom. Sometimes it's the opposite depending on what's going on.

Maybe you could pick certain holidays to spend with each side of the family? Like say be with your side of the family during Thanksgiving, his family during Christmas, then your side for Easter? And then alternate each year? Or you two could host for the day before one of the holidays and then invite one of your parents/relatives and his parents and relatives to celebrate it then? And the day of is spent with the parent who didn't go to the previous day's festivities and visiting any other family if that's the case? That's pretty much how Christmases work out for me and my older brother with him and his DW as the hosts.

Good luck! I hope you and your DH are able to find an arrangement that works well for you!

 

[Monykalyn]

DH parent divorced and remarried. In different cities. THis is why 1-I ALWAYS bring my own bottle (case) of wine and 2-threaten to run away to a deserted island every year! And why I am currently trying to convince DH we need a tradition of family cruise over the holidays-extended family welcome to join us of course. MY family is on board-and at this point after 28 years of dealing with DH family- the cruise is happening Christmas 2017 with or without DH's family (although they seem favorable to this idea too) so win-win.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

When our oldest was born, we tried three days of running around at Christmas. After that year, my mother said she'd always hated being dragged away from her toys to visit family, so she told us that she would come to us, if we wanted. That helped a lot.

A lot of things have changed over the years, but after my MIL passed, it eventually worked out that we go to my dad's for Easter, I host my mom at Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve is spent with my dad's side, and my mother alternates between my sister and I on Christmas Day: one year she does breakfast with me and dinner with my sister, and the next year she does the opposite.

My parents have their faults, but they always made sure that holidays were as drama-free as possible, at least in front of us. (My mother later told one of my friends that both of them would sit at school functions and the like and pinch themselves whenever the other one was ticking them off. LOL!)