Grown children of divorced parents - dividing holidays

[sharona]

When I was married we did the travel thing on holidays for the first few years. My ex's parents were divorced. They and my mom all lived just far enough away for it to be a chore to see everyone but close enough that we were expected to get there on the day of. I once threatened to put our Christmas tree up in the car since that is where we spent most of the day! Once I had my DD that was it. I hosted Christmas and Easter dinner and everyone was welcome. We rotated going to Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve celebrations but only going to 1 place each year - not trying to see everyone every time.

Consider hosting a brunch the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas to see those who you didn't see on the actual day.

 

[Darcy03231]

Well, DH's family is 18 hours away so we don't have to worry about them. We celebrate Thanksgiving with my family (local) on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Christmas is celebrated either the weekend before or the weekend after Christmas.

I'm divorced from my children's father and DH is divorced from his children's mother. We leave it up to them when it is convenient for them to come (all adults). Some years they make it on the actual holiday and others we see them on some other day.

 

[weeniecat2442]

I have divorced parents since I was 3. Growing up I was driven around to both families for all holidays. It was nice to see everyone but I felt like i was spending most of my holidays on the road. This got especially harder when I could drive myself and was doing the drives alone. My families were about 45 mins apart.
Finally after college I decided it was too much. I decided that Thanksgiving would be spent with my dads side and Christmas with my moms side. I would go to my dads family annual xmas eve party. My grandparents are in their late 80s (on my dads side) so I have been opting to spend Easter, 4th of July with my dads side as I love spending time with them and know they wont be around forever.

Throw in the mix of a boyfriend the past 3 years and that did mean I had to make adjustments. We visit his family for part of the day on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We decided to attend my dads side of the family's xmas eve party every other year as its a haul and we do like doing something special just the two of us at home and having a quiet evening.

 

[scrapquitler]

For those of you who have divorced parents, how do you divide the holidays? My mom and dad are divorced, DH's parents are not. Be it Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc… we currently go to 3 dinners or 2 dinners and a brunch. It's getting to be a lot. We don't have kids yet but when we do, I don't want to be dragging kids to 3 separate celebrations within one weekend. While I love family and love visiting, we're absolutely wiped after most holidays. Any ideas?

Have them all come to your house.

 

[jen0610]

My parent's divorce wasn't MY fault. I don't divide the holidays or birthdays. Everyone is invited to my house. Get along or don't come....works out reasonably well. They show up and behave.

Not my parents or his, but his sister and ex-husband.

Their oldest two were college aged, so no home of their own and the youngest was in high school, so she couldn't host a gathering.

We had been hosted both Christmas and Thanksgiving in our house for years, when they seperated. I told DH straight up, that those girls do not need to pick and choose between their parents and it was my house and by god, nobody in my family would be left out. Both were invited and told show up or don't. But if you show up, you will be civil or you will not be invited back until such a time that you can be civil. She choose not to be there for that first Thanksgiving.

For Christmas, per his families traditions, we had everybody over on the 24th. The invite was open to both. She decided to bring along her boyfriend. I greeted my bil at the door with a tall glass of wine and told him to help himself, I had bought the big bottle for his enjoyment. Buying that big bottle of wine got us through that Chirstmas and the next, before the sister moved out of state and we did not have to deal the issue of her boyfriend not being allowed in my house any more.

We hosted at our place for years, until the oldest niece was married with a home that could hold all the family and she took over hosting. After several years, her mom moved back to the area and she was told my her daugher the rules of the holidays. She continued with the rules that I had laid out years earlier.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I wear my favorite apron for family gatherings all year..not just Christmas

"Why yes Virgina, there is a Full Bar"

 

[gwynne]

I wear my favorite apron for family gatherings all year..not just Christmas

"Why yes Virginia, there is a Full Bar"

I love your style!

 

[Sweetpancake]

Totally agree with this sentiment. My mom made a huge fuss this past year because she didn't want to attend my birthday because my dad and his wife (whom he has been with for over 20 years) were attending. So my mom decided she would not be attending, her choice! Not going to have two separate parties. I would love to do this for larger holidays but our place is so tiny, we don't have room for everyone.

My parent's divorce wasn't MY fault. I don't divide the holidays or birthdays. Everyone is invited to my house. Get along or don't come....works out reasonably well. They show up and behave.

 

[Sweetpancake]

My parents and DH's parents are both divorced. In the early years we spent a lot of time trying to make everyone happy. It was exhausting and made the holidays a nightmare. Then oldest DD came along and I found myself throwing three different birthday parties to accommodate all the grandparents and I thought, "wait, MY parents are divorced not hers." So then I became the host of all holidays and birthdays. It was still crazy stressful but worked out okay until it became only me prepping, paying for everything and doing all the cleaning up. Then came that fateful year when people who were supposed to be full grown couldn't act like adults and I decided the holidays would be reserved for my nuclear family from then on. I call, I visit around the holidays but the holidays themselves belong to me and mine only. I have the best holidays now.

Good advice, I think some holidays in the future may go this way. It's going to be important once we have children to celebrate as a family.

 

[Dread Pirate]

I'm divorced with two adult children. What I've told them they need to do, if they find us arguing about who gets them for the holidays once they get married, is to not go to any of our homes, mine or their dad's. They should stay home with their spouse and children, and invite us to stop in during the holiday to see them.

When my kids were young, my ex and his parents insisted ALL holidays be at their house. We had to get up early on Christmas morning and drive 2 hours to get there, so my kids never got to spend an actual Christmas morning enjoying Christmas. I don't want any future grandkids of mine to have to do that. My kids have both told me that they hated having to get up early and drive to this same set of grandparents every holiday, and they wished they could have spent just one at home.

 

[elaine amj]

It's not even our family that is affected. My close friends are separated. This year the husband has a new girlfriend and has decided he wants to bring her to holiday events and his daughters have to deal with it. It's certainly challenging for everyone involved.

 

[superme80]

My parents aren't, but DH's are. We did Christmas eve morning at his sisters and his dad. Then we did Christmas eve afternoon/evening with his mom. His dad passed away 3 years ago, so we don't have to divide out time anymore. We do invite his mom and step dad up for brunch on Christmas morning. We don't leave the house on Christmas. We schedule a separate day to celebrate with my family. We live almost 2 hours from them and I am not spending my holiday driving.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Dh has divorced parents. We do a mid-December get together with his dad and step mom. Christmas Eve with his mom. Christmas morning at our house and Christmas afternoon at my aunts house with my family. It was hell the last 2 years with our daughter since we lived 2 hours away--better this year since we moved closer. Although I'm expecting DD#2 early to mid December so this will probably be the craziest Christmas ever.

 

[summerw]

I agree hosting a meal yourself is the only way to go. Mine got divorced in high school so we had to do it their way a long time, alternating who gets their first pick etc. It wasn't good. I put my foot down a few years ago. Besides, everyone will just complain they get the shaft. Literally both of my parents and the in-laws all say they get less time. I started thinking, I must be making it pretty equal if you all complain equally.

And I like the comment about divorce not being your fault… my in-laws said the same thing to me about my parents' divorce not being their fault, even after 4 straight years of their getting us for Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner both. Relentless all of them.

 

[arminnie]

No divorce and no parents still alive. My DH is from a family of 5. We just pick a weekend in December to celebrate Christmas.

My sister and I entertain the last of the widowed aunts on Christmas Day as my mother did that for decades. I'd have that on another day too and more relatives would come but my sister doesn't want to change and it's at her home.

 

[disneychrista]

Why not have everyone to your house? Certainly your parents can put up with each other for a couple of hours for Christmas dinner.

 

[sasywtch]

My son and DIL both have divorced parents (I am one of them). Everyone is remarried but me. My ex just moved 2 hours away so don't know how it's going to work this year. My son has 2 unmarried sisters and 1 brother, my DIL has one sister that lives across country. Easter and Thanksgiving, we go around 10am and everyone brings an assigned dish. Christmas, we wait until about 11 to give them time to do the morning opening of the presents and not feel overwhelmed. The last few years, we have been changing up our Christmas dinner as we were tired of Turkey/ham so soon after Thanksgiving. We've been doing tacos and it's so much less stress. The grandkids love it because they know more presents are coming on Christmas and food. It took years but we all get along. My ex is with a new girlfriend that had nothing to do with our split years ago so she's ok, my DIL's parents, well...........they tolerate each other I think.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For those of you who have divorced parents, how do you divide the holidays? My mom and dad are divorced, DH's parents are not. Be it Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc… we currently go to 3 dinners or 2 dinners and a brunch. It's getting to be a lot. We don't have kids yet but when we do, I don't want to be dragging kids to 3 separate celebrations within one weekend. While I love family and love visiting, we're absolutely wiped after most holidays. Any ideas?

We decide what we want to do and then follow through. Key is to make the decision together ahead of time and act as a united front with the parents.

 

[Kellykins1218]

We used to do the 3 dinner thing then we had kids. After that we told them if you want to see all of us, then you get over it & you come to our house. Took a couple of years but now everyone gets along pretty well and we have a really fun time. If the divorced parents had refused then they would've been pretty much out of luck on the holidays.

 

[Sweetpancake]

In all honesty I've become a great big grump around Christmas as it's ALWAYS us doing the traveling. It's 3.5 hours to my parents. It's 2 hours in the same direction to my DH parents. All our siblings live around each of our parents. So we either travel or don't get to see anyone.
Well my DH and I have decided after this Christmas, no more. We are going to take our kids and go on vacation or stay at home. Not once have we stayed home for Christmas.
It's always drive 2 hours to have Christmas Eve at my grandparents, drive another 1.5 hours to sleep and have Christmas morning with my parents. Then drive an hour and a half have Christmas afternoon and evening with DH family. Then another 1.5 hours back to have Boxing Day with my Dads side grandparents. All on snowy roads.
Can you tell I am sick of it? Lol then I remind myself how important family is.

I'm exhausted just reading your post,lol Family is important. But it should be just as important for your family to visit YOU, as it is to visit them. Can't you alternate driving there one year and them driving to you every other year? Going on a holiday sounds like an even better plan