Grown children of divorced parents - dividing holidays

[Sweetpancake]

For those of you who have divorced parents, how do you divide the holidays? My mom and dad are divorced, DH's parents are not. Be it Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc… we currently go to 3 dinners or 2 dinners and a brunch. It's getting to be a lot. We don't have kids yet but when we do, I don't want to be dragging kids to 3 separate celebrations within one weekend. While I love family and love visiting, we're absolutely wiped after most holidays. Any ideas?

 

[dashofsunshine]

If you all live in the same town, that obviously makes it harder, haha. My husband's family is in NY so we see them every other year, either for Thanksgiving or Christmas. My Dad and Mom are divorced but my Dad isn't super active in our lives, so we always do Christmas Eve/day with my Mom and then celebrate a few days later with my Dad.

I would suggest just talking to the family and letting them know that you will see them all, but it might take more than 2 days. Just spread it out a little bit so you're not so overwhelmed. The holidays are a whole season - just because you don't see all of them exactly on Christmas Day, doesn't mean they are being left out

 

[luvsJack]

My parents aren't divorced but I see the struggle with my kids. They try to spend at least some time with their dad, dh's family, my family and then our family gathering and of course they have several gatherings for their wives' families. Plus older ds has a step son so everything they do has to be around the time he is with his dad and younger ds' s kids have to have time with their mom and her two sets of parents and grandparents. Its hard.

I have tried to pick a time that gives them some holiday time as home with their kids but its hard.

My only advise to them has been not to try to see everyone. If they do they aren't going to enjoy their time with anyone. But I know they feel like they have to.

 

[NewRVLady]

My SIL is divorced from first husband and now married to my brother
5 kids- 3 married

She does Christmas Brunch and does Wednesday night for Thanksgiving

 

[elphaba91]

As others have said, talk to your family and find other times to see them - Good Friday, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, etc. Another option (although perhaps no less exhausting!) would be for you to offer to host instead.

 

[okeydokey]

We don't have divorce in my family, but my friend does. Once she had kids of her own, they stopped traveling on the day of the holiday. Family was invited to their house if they wanted to come. They made the rounds in the days surrounding the holiday, but the actual big holidays were celebrated the way THEY wanted to, at their home.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My parent's divorce wasn't MY fault. I don't divide the holidays or birthdays. Everyone is invited to my house. Get along or don't come....works out reasonably well. They show up and behave.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A friend with lots of married kids has them over for Thanksgiving the weekend before the holiday. Then she can serve whatever she wants and the kids can't complain they already had it two other times that day. It also avoids a lot of scheduling conflicts with the in-laws, out-laws, and everyone else.

Our Thanksgivings are still flexible. A sis-in-law gets her nose out of joint when everyone doesn't flock to her home where her DH cooks (she mostly presides.) Last time we were there, her incontinent dog had an accident under the dining room table, and the not-so-great nieces and nephews were running around screaming -- too much family drama. I'd rather go with the best offer. Last year our 18-yr-old grand-dtr wanted to fix dinner for us, so she brought her turkey here and I helped her with whatever she wanted. This year DH and I might go visit my side of the family, since my mom isn't getting any younger and we haven't seen her in awhile.

DH and I hosted a Christmas Eve party for his side of the extended family for about 30 years. Now that his mother has passed and I really don't want to continue hosting (and the number of relatives has outgrown our home) DH and I happily go visit DD and her young family out of town.

 

[cjbcam]

In all honesty I've become a great big grump around Christmas as it's ALWAYS us doing the traveling. It's 3.5 hours to my parents. It's 2 hours in the same direction to my DH parents. All our siblings live around each of our parents. So we either travel or don't get to see anyone.
Well my DH and I have decided after this Christmas, no more. We are going to take our kids and go on vacation or stay at home. Not once have we stayed home for Christmas.
It's always drive 2 hours to have Christmas Eve at my grandparents, drive another 1.5 hours to sleep and have Christmas morning with my parents. Then drive an hour and a half have Christmas afternoon and evening with DH family. Then another 1.5 hours back to have Boxing Day with my Dads side grandparents. All on snowy roads.
Can you tell I am sick of it? Lol then I remind myself how important family is.

 

[ronandannette]

Do you all live in close proximity? If so, YOU start hosting. Pick whatever day (or days) you want and let it be known this is your new thing. Invite everyone; they can come or not as they please. Sure it will involve some work for you and your DH but you both will especially appreciate this as an alternative to hauling small kids around - get everybody on your page well ahead of time.

 

[wenrob]

My parents and DH's parents are both divorced. In the early years we spent a lot of time trying to make everyone happy. It was exhausting and made the holidays a nightmare. Then oldest DD came along and I found myself throwing three different birthday parties to accommodate all the grandparents and I thought, "wait, MY parents are divorced not hers." So then I became the host of all holidays and birthdays. It was still crazy stressful but worked out okay until it became only me prepping, paying for everything and doing all the cleaning up. Then came that fateful year when people who were supposed to be full grown couldn't act like adults and I decided the holidays would be reserved for my nuclear family from then on. I call, I visit around the holidays but the holidays themselves belong to me and mine only. I have the best holidays now.

 

[whitney250]

My parent's divorce wasn't MY fault. I don't divide the holidays or birthdays. Everyone is invited to my house. Get along or don't come....works out reasonably well. They show up and behave.

I love this. My parents just recently divorced earlier this year and I have been DREADING the holidays because of it. I will have to try this

 

[mommy123]

Both my and my husband's parents are both divorced. We did the four family thing for years. Once we had kids, that stopped. As the PPs said, now everyone is invited by us. Works out well!

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Well, we live really far from family so it's just my husband and I for the holidays (it's ok, we get to travel to nearby countries). However, when we were close enough to visit for the holidays it went like this.
Easter: Church with my paternal side and then BBQ with my in-laws. My mom usually has an Easter party the day before so it works out.
Thanksgiving: Because my husband's birthday is the day before or the day of this holiday we spend it with his family or alone, I stop by my paternal family's house in the afternoon to spend time with them and cook or if my mom is celebrating with her in-laws who live closer to us than she does, I stop by there. My mom usually does an early Thanksgiving before shopping so it's not a big deal if I don't have dinner with her.
Christmas Eve: This is hard because everyone celebrates this. So, Christmas Eve morning until early evening is spent with my mom. Then, we drive to my in-laws who celebrate the holidays at midnight.
Christmas Morning: I spend time with my dad and his family

Of course, if/when we move closer to family, I will be hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. This way is so much easier.

 

[marlynnp]

For those of you who have divorced parents, how do you divide the holidays? My mom and dad are divorced, DH's parents are not. Be it Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc… we currently go to 3 dinners or 2 dinners and a brunch. It's getting to be a lot. We don't have kids yet but when we do, I don't want to be dragging kids to 3 separate celebrations within one weekend. While I love family and love visiting, we're absolutely wiped after most holidays. Any ideas?

We just don't do it. Both my and my husband's parents are divorced. We make arrangements to see everyone over the Christmas break and that's it for holidays.

 

[720L]

I hate the holidays because of all this. Even though we stay home Christmas day ( since we had kids).... I still feel guilty. We went to Disney for Christmas a couple years ago & it was the first stress free Christmas I've had. I would love to celebrate the week before but nobody will do that so we go to someones house Christmas Eve,and have someone over Christmas day.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I have to say it only gets more and more complicated. I am divorced, and my four grown kids are now all married. One of the spouses also has divorced parents. And there are six grandkids (soon to be eight) in the mix. That means a lot of planning and scheduling. I try to be flexible - it doesn't have to be the exact day - but i will confess that sometimes I feel sad when I am alone on Christmas morning.

 

[aprilchem]

We don't have divorce in our family, but I have 3 younger kids and we told my parents/the ILs when they were born that we would not travel to them for holidays - they can come to see us. We both work full time and all of our parents are retired, in good health, and have enough money to travel. They have the time, and we don't.

 

[castleview]

You eventually stop trying to please everyone and do what's best for your family. This Christmas, I'm even considering just us hanging out here all day.

 

[smiths02]

Not from divorced parents, but I know that makes things a little more complicated, but not necessarily because most of us have spouse's families, sibling's families, etc. It is kind of part of growing up. I would not do 2 dinners etc. every holiday. And to complicate matters, someone probably has to work on the holidays sometimes (like a nurse or doctor or law enforcement, etc.). I think you have to find a balance and pick what works for you, and that might change as you have children and other people might have to give.

If everyone is in close proximity, then choose a tradition that might work and is really meaningful...Christmas Eve with some and Christmas Day with others? Switch off every other year? Host something yourself!