Grandparenting or babysitting??

[Imzadi]

She didn't speak to me for a month.

I'm curious, what did she do with her son the weekends that she wasn't talking to you? Was he home all weekend and she had to take care of him then?

If so, and I were you, I'd just set down some rules & boundaries: "I can only take him from ___ to ___." She most likely WILL withhold him from you for a few weeks. (Stand firm and keep texting or leaving a message each week and say you are available to see your grandson during the specified times YOU name if she wants some free time.) I'd think, once she realizes that SHE is the one taking care of him, or arranging other care for him - and it probably is not for the entire weekend and she is paying for the few/several few hours, then she may come to realize ANY amount of time you spend with him is a benefit to HER.

I would also have contingency plans ready for the next time she pulls the "I fell asleep" excuse. Like have a babysitter available in YOUR town. When she pulls the disappearance act, bring your grandson back home with you. If need be, get the babysitter to watch him until your DD comes to pick him up, even if it turns out to be on Monday when you are at work. YOU shouldn't be the one having to wait around for her (so naturally she doesn't show until she's done "napping") or that YOU have to drive him back again later. Again, when it becomes an inconvenience to HER, her being late or a no show will stop.

If she doesn't talk to you for a month or two again and withholds your grandson, so be it. You and your grandson have a looong life ahead of you. How you set up rules & boundaries NOW with your DD will be what happens for the next 16 years, until your grandson is old enough to see you on his own. Don't get stuck in the short term with a bad set up of being a doormat now that will continue for decades, even though it seems excruciating now without your grandson.

Nelson Mandela talked about the beginning of his 27 year imprisonment and how he and the other prisoners insisted on being called "MR. ___," no matter what else the guards did to them, "The battle for dignity is won or lost in the first few exchanges."

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

This is really hard. Have you always had a bad relationship with your daughter? She blackmailing you emotionally. The only way to deal with such a manipulative person is to refuse to play the game. if you call her on it, you must be willing to deal with it if she refuses all contact. That type of refusal is typical behavior for such a emotionally manipulative person. That could mean you won't get to see your grandson at all. Are you willing to take that chance? Many people will deal with a dysfunctional relationship so the can preserve something, even if it is not the healthiest choice for their own psyche. If he is two he is too young to maintain contact on his own and will likely not remember you at all a few years from now if she cuts off all contact. Perhaps you might deal with the current situation until he is old enough to maintain contact with you on his own? Only you can decide. Very sorry, I can't imagine having to make such a choice.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I find it very, very sad that the mother of this child wants to regularly spend every weekend away from her child. Sounds like a rotten mother. I'm sorry, OP, that you are being put in this difficult situation.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Since the mom is unemployed and keeps both grandmas busy with babysitting, when does mom spend time with the kiddo?

I know a manipulative guy who was doing similar emotional blackmail with his mom over the phone, threatening to transfer to a job out of state and grandma would never see his kids again. She hung up on him. Next time they spoke, he apologized.

Years later, the kids are better friends with the grandparents than dear(?) old dad.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

Since the mom is unemployed and keeps both grandmas busy with babysitting, when does mom spend time with the kiddo?

I know a manipulative guy who was doing similar emotional blackmail with his mom over the phone, threatening to transfer to a job out of state and grandma would never see his kids again. She hung up on him. Next time they spoke, he apologized.

Years later, the kids are better friends with the grandparents than dear(?) old dad.

Sadly, I know people that will just use this response as a reason to not have a relationship with a parent/grandparent and even tell the child how awful the grandparent is.
OP- sorry about your daughter, I'd love to have a grandma willing to take the kids once in a while, my parents love the kids and are great but their adamant about the fact they don't want to babysit.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My sweet sweet grandson is almost 2 years old and my daughter is being very difficult. The only time I can see him is when I am willing to keep him from Friday until Sunday night. I work almost 50 hours a week and my weekends are the only time I have to clean my house, shop, pay bills, etc. She thinks I need to be watching my grandson every weekend and that is the only way we are going to bond. She will not visit or come over for a little while so I can see him. She does not ask me to watch him for a few hours. It has to be all weekend. I do not have the patience to keep a 2 year old every weekend.
She doesn't make it simple either. I pick him up from her house (she lives with her dad, my ex) on Fridays, bring him back to my house, 45 minutes away and bring him back to her on Sunday evenings. She got mad at me in February because I would not take a weeks vacation from work and babysit so her and her husband could go on vacation. She didn't speak to me for a month. Mother's Day this year, she did not acknowledge this day. I had the baby all weekend but I made her come pick him up. She was upset because I asked her to pick him by noon so we could take my mother in law out to lunch. She came in mad, took the baby to the car and that was the last time I seen him. She said she was in a hurry because they were doing a mothers day cookout for her mother in law. She never told me Happy Mother's Day, no card, no hug, nothing. I felt so hurt that day. Now today I get a text from her asking what I was doing this weekend and could I babysit friday to Sunday evening. I have yet to respond. I want to see him so bad but I can't do all weekend and I am really tired of her not having anything to do with me besides babysitting. I have tried to talk to her but she gets mad and hangs up. She always says "if you don't want to spend time with your grandson and you don't have a relationship with him its all your fault" I just don't know what to do. Sorry I had to vent somewhere.

((((hugs)))). Your daughter seems very ungrafteful for all that you do for her. Let her fend for herself for a while.

 

[Laura66]

I'm curious, what did she do with her son the weekends that she wasn't talking to you? Was he home all weekend and she had to take care of him then?

If so, and I were you, I'd just set down some rules & boundaries: "I can only take him from ___ to ___." She most likely WILL withhold him from you for a few weeks. (Stand firm and keep texting or leaving a message each week and say you are available to see your grandson during the specified times YOU name if she wants some free time.) I'd think, once she realizes that SHE is the one taking care of him, or arranging other care for him - and it probably is not for the entire weekend and she is paying for the few/several few hours, then she may come to realize ANY amount of time you spend with him is a benefit to HER.

I would also have contingency plans ready for the next time she pulls the "I fell asleep" excuse. Like have a babysitter available in YOUR town. When she pulls the disappearance act, bring your grandson back home with you. If need be, get the babysitter to watch him until your DD comes to pick him up, even if it turns out to be on Monday when you are at work. YOU shouldn't be the one having to wait around for her (so naturally she doesn't show until she's done "napping") or that YOU have to drive him back again later. Again, when it becomes an inconvenience to HER, her being late or a no show will stop.

If she doesn't talk to you for a month or two again and withholds your grandson, so be it. You and your grandson have a looong life ahead of you. How you set up rules & boundaries NOW with your DD will be what happens for the next 16 years, until your grandson is old enough to see you on his own. Don't get stuck in the short term with a bad set up of being a doormat now that will continue for decades, even though it seems excruciating now without your grandson.

Nelson Mandela talked about the beginning of his 27 year imprisonment and how he and the other prisoners insisted on being called "MR. ___," no matter what else the guards did to them, "The battle for dignity is won or lost in the first few exchanges."

This is excellent advise! I wish you all the best! I'm sure it's maddening and hurtful for you.

 

[NewRVLady]

Since the mom is unemployed and keeps both grandmas busy with babysitting, when does mom spend time with the kiddo?

.

I'd like to know what the heck she is doing to require both grandmas to baby sit kid 24/7!!!!

 

[cabanafrau]

I find it very, very sad that the mother of this child wants to regularly spend every weekend away from her child. Sounds like a rotten mother. I'm sorry, OP, that you are being put in this difficult situation.

That's absolutely a warning sign.

OP, I'm going to ask some invasive questions in a way that may feel rude. I'm not asking you to answer here, I'm not accusing you and certainly don't expect you to feel the need to defend yourself to me. The questions are meant to help you take a hard, honest look at what's what so you can better address what needs to happen going forward.

How long has your DD lived with her father? Was your relationship with her already strained or broken before baby? Were you an absent parent to her, either by your lifestyle or was she alienated from you by her father? Did she pull away from you as the rule enforcing parent at 18 because she could get away with anything at dad's? Do you have any concerns about post partum depression?

Is there any working relationship at all left with your ex? Can he fill in the gaps of what your GS's life is like when you're not watching him? Will your ex push your DD to get a job and become self supporting? Does your DD have mental health and/or substance abuse issues? Does your ex have mental health and/or substance abuse issues? Will your ex assist if a protective services request needs to be opened regarding your GS? Will your ex enable or simply turn a blind eye to DD's behaviors?

What is baby's father like? Is he employed? Is he partying all weekend, with or without your DD? Do you know much about their relationship or his family and upbringing? Has he been raised as an indulged and enabled person? Does he have mental health and/or substance abuse issues?

My questions are based on my experience of neglect and abuse cases. I do not know from what you have laid out here what is at the heart of the situation regarding your DD and GS, but I have to tell you what you have spelled out is what I would label grave concern in one of my reports. You may look at the situation and say the situation is annoying and not ideal, but your GS isn't in any real danger. If the MIL has been watching the baby anywhere near the amount of time I suspect and her health is declining, the situation with your GS may move to crisis. Situations tend to amp up when the child becomes slightly more independent in the sense he's not so easily toted around as an appendage. Stakes go up dramatically if another sibling comes along. The fact they cannot maintain independent housing is another risk factor and places greater stressors on the situation.

Sadly I suspect your situation goes far beyond a mistreated grandma with a manipulative DD. I urge you to take a hard and truthful look and seek professional guidance if the answers to many of my questions point in a negative direction.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I find it very, very sad that the mother of this child wants to regularly spend every weekend away from her child. Sounds like a rotten mother. I'm sorry, OP, that you are being put in this difficult situation.

I agree. I'm sorry but your daughter sounds like a horribly immature person and something seems really off. Hopefully she grows up eventually.

My parents and the ILs are wonderful grandparents but they rarely babysit. I'm talking one evening a year. They're grandparents not parents. I don't expect them to parent my children.

 

[Mkrop]

I have to agree I can not imagine being away from my kids the whole weekend all the time...that is weird. She sounds very immature.

You need to put your foot down though and say when you can/cannot watch him. Like another poster said only offer Sat into Sun. She doesnt need to party Friday night. I dont think she will completely cut you off (although maybe I am wrong) bc she NEEDS you to babysit some if she wants to maintain her party girl thing, and if MIL is not as available then who else does she have.

 

[Tinkerdreams]

I highly recommend you read the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I just finished this and it was an eye opener.

The bottom line is, if a person does not respect and love you enough when you set boundaries, they do not respect or love you. Those who do will acclimate to the boundaries you set.

I know what you're going through as I haven't seen or heard from my daughter for over a year and I've only seen my granddaughter once du to my boundary setting. It breaks my heart, but because my granddaughter had such a close relationship the first 5 years of her life, I'm certain that she will come to see me when she is old enough. I hear she asks for me all the time. Unfortunately for my daughter, this will bite her in the butt eventually.

Good luck to you!!

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I find it very, very sad that the mother of this child wants to regularly spend every weekend away from her child. Sounds like a rotten mother.

Wow. Okay, I'm gonna raise my hand here and say that I take advantage of weekend babysitting whenever it's offered/available. I love my daughter, but I have a life outside of her, too. If I needed to care for her every weekend, I would stay home with her. But I don't, because I have willing grandparents. And if they weren't willing, I'd pay for a babysitter. DD is going to stay with my MIL for the weekend this evening and I'm going to New York. No regrets or apologies.

You can think I'm a terrible mother, if you want.

 

[SLP958]

Wow. Okay, I'm gonna raise my hand here and say that I take advantage of weekend babysitting whenever it's offered/available. I love my daughter, but I have a life outside of her, too. If I needed to care for her every weekend, I would stay home with her. But I don't, because I have willing grandparents. And if they weren't willing, I'd pay for a babysitter. DD is going to stay with my MIL for the weekend this evening and I'm going to New York. No regrets or apologies.

You can think I'm a terrible mother, if you want.

I don't think anyone was saying a person would be a bad mother if they left their child for a few weekends here and there.

I do that myself. Grandparents are great for those breaks.

What this thread is addressing is leaving the child very frequently for multiple days at a time. That is putting parenting off on someone else.

Normal spend the night with grandparents is not what the posters here are talking about.

 

[anniemae]

I think you have to break the pattern and stop letting your dd take advantage of you. Why not invite her and her son out to lunch? Tell her you have a busy weekend but would love to see them for a bit. Spend an hour of two together then kiss them both goodbye and go on your way. You are way too available to her and are allowing her to get away with this behavior. Start out small and let her get used to the three of you doing things together instead of her handing off her son and taking off. Tell her you can't take him every weekend. No need for excuses. You just can't. Once in a while? Sure, special weekend at Grandma's will be fun, every weekend is work. And I assume she is not paying you.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Wow. Okay, I'm gonna raise my hand here and say that I take advantage of weekend babysitting whenever it's offered/available. I love my daughter, but I have a life outside of her, too. If I needed to care for her every weekend, I would stay home with her. But I don't, because I have willing grandparents. And if they weren't willing, I'd pay for a babysitter. DD is going to stay with my MIL for the weekend this evening and I'm going to New York. No regrets or apologies.

You can think I'm a terrible mother, if you want.

The OP stated that her daughter wanted her to watch her grandson EVERY weekend. So yes, I do think you are a terrible mother if you want someone to watch your child every single weekend from Friday through Sunday so you can go "have fun." Obviously I would not think the same if the mother needed some help on the weekends due to a weekend job or something like that.

I have an almost 2 year old. I totally get needing a break. We left our DD with family and took our teen nieces to WDW for four days in January. I enjoyed every minute of not changing diapers, pushing a stroller and drinking coffee in the morning in peace and quiet. I came back from the trip totally recharged and couldn't wait to see my daughter.

There is a major difference between an occasional overnight for a break or special night out and demanding someone watch your kid every single weekend.

 

[NewRVLady]

Wow. Okay, I'm gonna raise my hand here and say that I take advantage of weekend babysitting whenever it's offered/available. I love my daughter, but I have a life outside of her, too. If I needed to care for her every weekend, I would stay home with her. But I don't, because I have willing grandparents. And if they weren't willing, I'd pay for a babysitter. DD is going to stay with my MIL for the weekend this evening and I'm going to New York. No regrets or apologies.

You can think I'm a terrible mother, if you want.

did you not read all the op's posts??
Her DD DEMANDS she take the child from 7pm Friday to 7pm sunday EVERY weekend-and if she had something come up-DOES NOT ANSWER HER PHONE!
That is ridiculous...poor little kid

 

[Mkrop]

Wow. Okay, I'm gonna raise my hand here and say that I take advantage of weekend babysitting whenever it's offered/available. I love my daughter, but I have a life outside of her, too. If I needed to care for her every weekend, I would stay home with her. But I don't, because I have willing grandparents. And if they weren't willing, I'd pay for a babysitter. DD is going to stay with my MIL for the weekend this evening and I'm going to New York. No regrets or apologies.

You can think I'm a terrible mother, if you want.

I think what you are getting at is probably a different story, first you said they are willing and able, the OP is sometimes willing and able but not all the time and would like to not have be Fri- Sun, for her that is too much. I want an adult break to go to dinner, go away here and there, go to a wedding etc, but I dont want or need it every single weekend so I can go party and if I did that would be selfish to my parent and my child. My mom loves/loved to babysit my kids but there were times she had things going on or was too tired etc. I would never get mad at her, refuse her to see my children, or nor speak to her bc she said no to babysitting. She has a life, if and when she can help me out and give me a break, I am grateful. It does not sound like the OP's DD is grateful for the time she does watch him at all

 

[lustergirl]

That would bother me to no end. I am a new grandma and absolutely love when my grandson is around me. He just turned 4 months old and is quite the little ham, he weighs 16 pounds now. My son still lives at home but spends most of his time (aside from work) being with him at mom's house. My son will bring him over on the weekends, both days, for a few couples so we can see him. But I can also see him anytime during the work if I want. I laugh because hubby, my older son, and I are so enamored with this new addition to our family. We are his number #1 fans.

Good Luck!

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Any chance you can talk to your Ex about this? She and her husband live with your Ex? Can you get any insight from him as to what is really going on.