Graduation party. Is this tacky?

[CdnCarrie]

Grad parties aren't really a thing here. Maybe have the aunts and uncles over but that's it. I always think of them as being an American thing.
At least where I live they have the graduation ceremony where mostly just the parents, siblings and grandparents attend. They are usually in a gym or a theatre so space is limited.
Then there is a dinner/dance for the grads and their dates.
Sometimes parents will host family over one evening. My side did. Husband's side did not.

 

[MIGrandma]

I think it's tacky to invite someone you (or the one graduating) don't know to a graduation party, and I think it's super-tacky to have a graduation party be potluck.

When our kids graduated from high school we invited our friends/family and the kids' friends, people we knew from church, etc. But one of us had to know them.

And I would never dream of inviting people to a graduation party and expect everyone to bring food. Around here close family and friends offer to bring something to help out, but the party givers provide most of the food. Case in point, my sister-in-law just hosted a graduation party for her daughter. I offered to bring something, and ended up bringing a peanut butter sheet cake and a bowl of macaroni salad. Other relatives and a few friends brought salads/cake as well. But my sister-in-law provided the meat (pulled pork) and buns, tossed salad, baked potatoes, potato salad, etc. along with the main decorated graduation cake, and drinks. Another aunt/uncle own a soft serve ice cream machine and they offered to bring that, and my sister-in-law provided all the toppings for the ice cream.

 

[Disneyland1084]

I'd be interested to know how the OP knows that the mom invited a bunch of people she doesn't know. OP- do you mean she doesn't know the people well or doesn't know them at all? If it's the latter, how on earth would she know how to invite them? I'm assuming she has at least met your mom..

We live in a small community where we know who's friends with who. You know how FB can get sometimes, people are friends with people they don't know well or at all. I saw the invite list on FB. A lot of these are people she doesn't know well, or her daughter doesn't know at all. Example-my mom. She doesn't know the graduate, but was still invited. My mom knows the graduate's mom because they both volunteer at the school, but they're not personal friends.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I just had a grad party for my dd. I would never, ever, ever make something like that a potluck. Ever. The only way I would invite people I barely knew would be if someone else in my family (dh or graduate) asked because they knew them. I did invite my in-laws best friends to her party but that was really at the request of my in-laws. We know them but my dd doesn't really. Parties in our neck of the woods are hosted at homes or the American Legion hall/Lions Club Hall and even at parks. If I had to do it all over again, I would host it at a park or hall just so I wouldn't have to do yard work lol!

 

[Westcoastwild]

My mom is the type of person to invite everyone she's ever talked to a party....lol. She's just that social and LOVES to have a good party. The only difference would be it wouldn't be potluck.

Right, lol. The people I'm thinking of are like that too, it just happens that some of them like potlucks. So if the mom is one of those, I wouldn't consider it weird at all. There is also the possibility that she has a large extended family and she decided to put potluck on the invitation so freeloaders would be less inclined to show up empty handed, or so that the people who might otherwise feel obliged to bring a gift and can't afford to can just bring food. If I attend a wedding potluck, I consider the food my "gift". I don't think anyone puts on a potluck expecting a perfect spread, either, or everyone to bring something because that never happens.

I guess what I'm wondering about is the cash grab idea. I didn't get much cash for graduation. Checks from relatives, cards and maybe minor token gifts from everyone else. It isn't a big gift occasion here- it really is usually more a BBQ and hang out thing. My parents aren't big party people but some of my classmates certainly had big cookouts.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I don't find it tacky at all. We're a big party family & invite everyone. We just like to share the fun & nobody has to come if they don't want to.

 

[Westcoastwild]

We live in a small community where we know who's friends with who. You know how FB can get sometimes, people are friends with people they don't know well or at all. I saw the invite list on FB. A lot of these are people she doesn't know well, or her daughter doesn't know at all. Example-my mom. She doesn't know the graduate, but was still invited. My mom knows the graduate's mom because they both volunteer at the school, but they're not personal friends.

Well, I'm inclined to agree that the Facebook invite is tacky. I don't attend stuff that I get invited via Facebook. But there you go- the volunteerism connection between your mom and the mom in question. That's definitely the kind of connection that would warrant a casual invite from some of my more social friends. They know each other; it doesn't matter if they aren't "personal friends". There is likely not even the expectation that your mom will show up- they invited her because it's better to invite than to be seen leaving folks out.

I don't think it's weird that she invited people her daughter didn't know. I've seen plenty of graduation parties that are less about the kid than they are about the parent's extended social network. Coworkers, neighbors, elderly relatives- those people are invited not because the kid wanted them there. Leave it up to most teens, and they'd probably be ok with no party at all.

 

[Hikergirl]

Right, lol. The people I'm thinking of are like that too, it just happens that some of them like potlucks. So if the mom is one of those, I wouldn't consider it weird at all. There is also the possibility that she has a large extended family and she decided to put potluck on the invitation so freeloaders would be less inclined to show up empty handed, or so that the people who might otherwise feel obliged to bring a gift and can't afford to can just bring food. If I attend a wedding potluck, I consider the food my "gift". I don't think anyone puts on a potluck expecting a perfect spread, either, or everyone to bring something because that never happens.

I guess what I'm wondering about is the cash grab idea. I didn't get much cash for graduation. Checks from relatives, cards and maybe minor token gifts from everyone else. It isn't a big gift occasion here- it really is usually more a BBQ and hang out thing. My parents aren't big party people but some of my classmates certainly had big cookouts.

Cash is the most popular graduation gift around here. Token gifts are usually from classmates, cards with cash/checks are received by pretty much everyone else.
Besides, the amount isnt the issue, its the fact that people invite people they don't know (meaning they dont have an actual relationship with) knowing they will not come empty handed. Of course they aren't going to come right out and say that but come on we all know that people will bring a card to give to the graduate if they show up to the party.

 

[kimblebee]

All graduation parties are a gift grab. Even if you only invite close relatives, a gift is 'expected'.

Read any of the past threads asking what people should give to the graduate whom the guest hardly knows.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

All graduation parties are a gift grab. Even if you only invite close relatives, a gift is 'expected'.

Read any of the past threads asking what people should give to the graduate whom the guest hardly knows.

All parties are a gift grab. Graduation, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. Unless you put "your presence is your present."

ETA: No one ever goes to anything empty handed. I've declined invitations just because I didn't feel like taking a gift. It seems like we get invited to something just about every weekend. Sometimes 2 or more things in one weekend. It's exhausting.

 

[amberpi]

Seems like the key element between all these responses is - what's normal were you live?

 

[Westcoastwild]

Cash is the most popular graduation gift around here. Token gifts are usually from classmates, cards with cash/checks are received by pretty much everyone else.
Besides, the amount isnt the issue, its the fact that people invite people they don't know (meaning they dont have an actual relationship with) knowing they will not come empty handed. Of course they aren't going to come right out and say that but come on we all know that people will bring a card to give to the graduate if they show up to the party.

A graduation card from the dollar store and a 5 dollar bill isn't exactly a big haul, and that's exactly what I'd give a kid who I did not personally know, like a neighbor's or coworker's teen. I really don't think there's a standard graduation gift amount that would make a cash grab a likely situation. It's not like a baby shower or wedding where gifts are customary.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

A graduation card from the dollar store and a 5 dollar bill isn't exactly a big haul, and that's exactly what I'd give a kid who I did not personally know, like a neighbor's or coworker's teen. I really don't think there's a standard graduation gift amount that would make a cash grab a likely situation. It's not like a baby shower or wedding where gifts are customary.

I wouldn't go with anything under $20-25 and never go empty handed. But I decline invitations if I don't really know the person. We get invited to enough with close family and friends. I don't need to make the circle bigger. lol

 

[AppleDumpling]

If I attend a wedding potluck, I consider the food my "gift".

I have never in my life heard of a wedding potluck. Around here, that would be considered the ultimate in tackiness. But potlucks aren't really that popular. The only ones I've been to have been things like a school event or an office Christmas party, where everybody is celebrating, rather than an occasion honoring one or two people.

 

[Hikergirl]

A graduation card from the dollar store and a 5 dollar bill isn't exactly a big haul, and that's exactly what I'd give a kid who I did not personally know, like a neighbor's or coworker's teen. I really don't think there's a standard graduation gift amount that would make a cash grab a likely situation. It's not like a baby shower or wedding where gifts are customary.

Yes actually it is an occasion where gifts are customary. Maybe not where you are from, but from the other 99% of places in the US it is.
And like I said, it isn't about the amount given, its about inviting people you don't really know who you do know will bring something. I think its tacky to do that, YMMV.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I guess what I'm wondering about is the cash grab idea. I didn't get much cash for graduation. Checks from relatives, cards and maybe minor token gifts from everyone else. It isn't a big gift occasion here- it really is usually more a BBQ and hang out thing. My parents aren't big party people but some of my classmates certainly had big cookouts.

Cash in general is quite a common thing to give for graduation. Usually the intent is to celebrate but also help send off the person onto their next phase in life (like weddings, baby showers, etc).

Heck my father-in-law's girlfriend's son (ugh that sounds funny to say it that way) made several grand from his party just 2 days ago (which is quite the amount).

But perhaps it would be different if the amount being invited wasn't so large for the OP's situation. If you really know closely enough 100 people you want sure ok but often inviting quite a large number of people loosely close to you comes off as you want more of X and in this case it's either gifts, food or both

A graduation card from the dollar store and a 5 dollar bill isn't exactly a big haul, and that's exactly what I'd give a kid who I did not personally know, like a neighbor's or coworker's teen. I really don't think there's a standard graduation gift amount that would make a cash grab a likely situation. It's not like a baby shower or wedding where gifts are customary.

I think for this it's a lot specific for your area. You're assuming (which yes we're all sorta assuming here) that people JUST give $5 for a graduation so surely graduations aren't really raking in the dough so it's not a big deal or doesn't constitute a cash grab...but a card from the dollar store (well can't say much there since I don't know if they come from the dollar store) and a $5 bill is NOT normal for any graduation party I've been to or had myself.

I wouldn't go with anything under $20-25 and never go empty handed. But I decline invitations if I don't really know the person. We get invited to enough with close family and friends. I don't need to make the circle bigger. lol

Most often I see $20-$40 or more. Usually it's $20 bills (or $50 bills) and I would assume that's because it's easier to get that from an ATM. But I've seen $25 as well.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Yes actually it is an occasion where gifts are customary. Maybe not where you are from, but from the other 99% of places in the US it is.
And like I said, it isn't about the amount given, its about inviting people you don't really know who you do know will bring something. I think its tacky to do that, YMMV.

Ok. But the OP doesn't know for sure that the woman in question doesn't know these people. She's basing it on the fact the woman invited her mother and she admitted already that there is a relationship there. Not a close friendship but they volunteer at the same school and presumably have known each other for awhile.

And admittedly I don't know how it is everywhere. But neither do we know what amount is customary where the OP lives.

I know people who invite everyone and their dog to parties or BBQs. I am not one of those people. But if I got an invite from those people I wouldn't see it as a cash grab, and either I go or I decline. The gift I bring or don't bring, or the fact that I accept or decline does not have any impact on whether I get invited again.

I guess the way I see it is: you never have to attend this stuff, and if you go, no one except you dictates what gift you give anyway. The woman isn't demanding anything or charging for the event. She's just asking people who do come to bring a dessert or side.

 

[aprilgail]

I guess what I'm wondering about is the cash grab idea. I didn't get much cash for graduation. Checks from relatives, cards and maybe minor token gifts from everyone else. It isn't a big gift occasion here- it really is usually more a BBQ and hang out thing. My parents aren't big party people but some of my classmates certainly had big cookouts.

EVERYTHING is money here- I went to my daughters friends graduation party yesterday (I am friends with the mom) and I gave a "conservative" check for $100.17- Her mom is a good friend of mine but all the others we go to will be 50.00 for kids whose parents I am friends with and the ones she goes to alone will all be 25.00. The grad party yesterday was out at a wedding venue, complete with photo booth, dj, sit down meal etc. My daughters is in my yard but still getting a tent, caterer etc.

 

[Westcoastwild]

EVERYTHING is money here- I went to my daughters friends graduation party yesterday (I am friends with the mom) and I gave a "conservative" check for $100.17- Her mom is a good friend of mine but all the others we go to will be 50.00 for kids whose parents I am friends with and the ones she goes to alone will all be 25.00. The grad party yesterday was out at a wedding venue, complete with photo booth, dj, sit down meal etc. My daughters is in my yard but still getting a tent, caterer etc.

That is wild. Just absurd. I definitely don't think that's standard in most of the US. I have never seen anything like that here or in the towns I've lived in elsewhere. $25-50 would be a really generous gift, and my mother doesn't spend $100+ even on wedding gifts for relatives.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I guess the way I see it is: you never have to attend this stuff, and if you go, no one except you dictates what gift you give anyway. The woman isn't demanding anything or charging for the event. She's just asking people who do come to bring a dessert or side.

Actually from what I read it's not a polite "if you can bring something you're more than welcome to, if you can't no worries" type thing:

There's a lady in my neighborhood who's having a graduation party for her daughter who just graduated high school. She's invited about 100 people. A lot of them are people she doesn't even know. I know her (the mom) because her younger DD is friends with my DD. I don't personally know her older DD, but we do say hi in passing. She even invited my mom and I asked her (my mom)to tell me the graduate's name, and she didn't know. I feel like this party is just a money grab. On top of that, it's a potluck and she expects everyone to bring something. It's the day after I return from Disney World, so I won't be going. I don't care so much about the potluck part, it's the money grab. Is this party tacky? When I graduated high school, I only invited close friends and family to my party. What do you think? Any similar stories I'd be curious to hear about.

_____________
So sorta really does sound like the host is demanding something. And I don't know how the invite was worded but potluck doesn't just mean desserts or sides. There are drinks (and varieties of those drinks to satisfy multiple types of people), plates, napkins, utensils, etc though depending on how it all came out that stuff could have been taken care of by close close people to the person graduating.

Sure no one is dictacting what gift you give but you have to understand that more than likely $5 to most people isn't an adequate/appropriate gift amount in their eyes for a graduation (I could totally see a non-milestone birthday being that amount-heck my grandma gives $5 for birthdays for example) and thus would give more.