Gently approaching a loved one about weight

[pocomom]

I've been thinking about talking to my husband about his weight for a while now. He gained weight along with me during my last pregnancy, 4 years ago. I lost some after my son was born and then worked hard last year to get the rest off. Don't get me wrong, this isn't easy for me, and I still have weight to lose, which I am working on, but my husband continued to gain and is now at least 50 lbs heavier then a few years ago.

I know he had a lot of work stress the last few years, and he switched jobs to alleviate it. I thought the supportive thing to do was not say anything until that stress was gone, but now it is 6 months later.

He has a bad back,hip and knee problems. The doctor keeps giving him mri's and medications. I know he is in pain, and I know it is hard to start moving when it hurts, but I know his weight is making everything worse. I keep waiting for the doctor to say something to him, but she is morbidly obese herself and I think that plays into the lack of discussion.

We went on a trip to universal last year and he couldn't ride some of the rides. Got very depressed. But once we got home he ignored it.

I cook healthy, but he grabs a lot of fast food. I've been maybe too subtle in my handling of this, but I don't want him to resent me, feel I'm unattracted to him, or feel like I'm mothering him. But I am very worried about his health.

He is turning 50 this year. We have a 4year old son. I'm worried he is missing out on doing things with our kids now, because he is always too tired; and that he may not be here in the future.

I booked a cruise to celebrate his birthday, he picked excursions he wanted to do I know he is over the weight limit for one of them. I read the limit out loud to him, but he didn't react. He is in denial. But I don't want this to ruin our time together again either.

Opinions please. Is there a gentle way to bring this up? Or do I just need to let him follow his own path here. I think in the past efforts by skinny family members to talk to me was just hurtful not helpful, but maybe since he knows I've had my own struggles?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He knows he is overweight, saying something does nothing. I know, my dh is overweight as well.

What do you mean by "cooking healthy"? That is a loaded statement.

Are you counting calories when you eat? Get a food scale. That will certainly be an eye opener for both of you.

You don't have to say things, but you can do things if that makes sense.

However it is work.

With my dh, we went through all the fast food places he goes and picked out things to lessen the fat & calorie count. Now is it the healthiest stuff? No, but if he is going to eat it anyway, he should be aware that choosing a Filet O' Fish is better than a Big Mac. Choosing a grilled sandwich over a "crispy" chicken cuts a lot of calories and fat.

Leaving off mayo and cheese cuts calories and fat even further. Ranch dressing is evil as well.

You know, stuff like that. Know your enemy.

 

[mjkacmom]

With my dh, we went through all the fast food places he goes and picked out things to lessen the fat & calorie count. Now is it the healthiest stuff? No, but if he is going to eat it anyway, he should be aware that choosing a Filet O' Fish is better than a Big Mac. Choosing a grilled sandwich over a "crispy" chicken cuts a lot of calories and fat.

Leaving off mayo and cheese cuts calories and fat even further. Ranch dressing is evil as well.

You know, stuff like that. Know your enemy.

As long as he is leaving the tartar sauce and cheese off of the fish sandwich, it's better. However, one could also leave off the cheese and sauce off of the big mac, and they'd be close.

OP, how about making it a "we" and "us" thing. Tell him you want to model better nutrition and exercise for your son. Kids with overweight parents are much more likely to be overweight themselves. My DH will always make poor choices when eating out. He eats fast food a lot (I think) during the work week, because he is on the road a lot. We never have it at home (and because of that, most of my kids won't even eat it).

Do you ever watch the biggest loser? Even my pencil thin kids love that show, and it motivates them to eat well.

 

[skylizard]

I've had this issue with my own dh (and still am). Just be honest with him. If he's willing to make the change then he will. Otherwise, there's nothing you can really do to make him change.

 

[wiigirl]

I've had this issue with my own dh (and still am). Just be honest with him. If he's willing to make the change then he will. Otherwise, there's nothing you can really do to make him change.

This....

 

[Laura66]

You're husband isn't stupid - he knows he is overweight. And he knows that grabbing that fast food is contributing to his problem.

Look - I need to lose about 40lbs and I know exactly what I need to do to lose it! My husband will decide he needs to lose weight and it's off in a month!

He has only said something to me when I complain about how I look or feel. And what he does say is something like - look, I love you, I think you're beautiful and if you wanna lose weight do it for yourself, not me, and let me know what I can do to help.

For me - and this is just me - some people may have other ideas - if he came up to me after losing weight and told me I needed to do the same I would be defensive and mad. If I asked him to help me I'd be way open to suggestions and support.

 

[rwdavis2]

Having been there and well beyond 50 pound overweight I lost 50 of it starting almost 4 years ago. Trust us, he knows he overweight. My wife never mentioned it, but my doctor did. I was at the point of trying weight loss surgery but the pre-surgery diet worked so well I did not have the surgery. The next time you see him struggling see if he wants to talk about it.

I started first with changing eating habits then exercise.

First off, where and when does he grab fast food? I used to eat it at lunch and probababy have not eaten it more than 10-20 times in the last 3 years. If it's for lunch then make sure you or he pack a lunch the night before to have it ready to grab in the morning. The best thing to do is make enough dinner for leftovers to eat for lunch if there is a place to heat it up.

Next, protein, protein, protein. It tricks the body into thinking it's fuller than it is. It does not send hunger signals as soon. Costco sell 160 calorie protein drinks with 30 grams of protein that can work as a meal replacement or a supplement. They may not be a long term or every day solution. An English muffin with peanut butter is a good idea.

One thing I learned quickly was that I was eating 1/3 to 1/2 too much at dinner. I started taking smaller portions and realized I was not hungry after eating less.

I was at his point with knee problems and back pain. Weight loss alleviated it. This past January was the first time I ever got to ride all the coasters at Universal.

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

It might be worth looking into a Y with a pool. Water exercise is a lot easier on the joints and you can have family pool time so he doesn't feel alone.


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[anniemae]

I would approach it like you want to do it as a family. Mention that you want to loose weight and be healthy and pass on good eating habits to your child. Get excited about it. Look for healthy cook books/recipes and cook as a family.

There are so many great books and healthy plans to follow it can be very overwhelming. Personally, I loved Wheat Belly, and Paleo diet. You can scour the internet for info and put forth a plan together. You could alway ask his doctor for advice, or if she has a favorite plan that she recommends to her patients. Not sure if he has any additional health issues that may help dictate a good plan for him to follow, like if he is diabetic, has heart issues, arthritis etc. there may be a plan well suited for him. Ask his dr.

I would try to cut out processed foods and fast food to start. Could you make him a lunch to take to work? Include lots of healthy snacks so he is not tempted to run out to the local fast food place. I think he needs to want this and I think if you do it as a family it will be helpful.

 

[rwdavis2]

It might be worth looking into a Y with a pool. Water exercise is a lot easier on the joints and you can have family pool time so he doesn't feel alone.


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Good point. My orthopedist told me my knee was like a bald tire. I could either tear down the high highway at 100 miles an hour for about 1 minute or go around the block slowly for years. Well, over that 1 minute burned up a ton of calories on the tread mill.

If he likes swimming I would recommend it.

 

[minkydog]

I wonder if there is some level of depression going on, OP? It seems that your DH has lost interest in things that he once found pleasurable.

I am on the opposite side of this. I'm very overweight and I can tell you, I did NOT appreciate my DH or my loved ones pointing it out. It's always veiled with "good intentions." I believe they are a ruse to give the non-fat partner justification--"we only want you to be healthy"--when what they're really saying is "you're a disgusting pig. How gross!"

Trust me, your DH knows he has gained weight. When things get bad enough he will change his ways. He has to hit his personal wall. What you can do is study nutrition and strive to provide truly healthy meals with no commentary.

I had my epiphany this spring when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. This is in addition to several other health issues. I take 4 meds which cause high blood sugar and wt gain. I don't particularly WANT to diet, but now I feel I have no other choice. I've gained and lost before, but I can't keep the wt off permanently. At this point, my best hope for reversing my health is weight loss surgery. I signed up in Sept and hope to have it done by Dec. I never though it would come to this.

 

[lurkernj]

You're husband isn't stupid - he knows he is overweight. And he knows that grabbing that fast food is contributing to his problem.

Look - I need to lose about 40lbs and I know exactly what I need to do to lose it! My husband will decide he needs to lose weight and it's off in a month!

He has only said something to me when I complain about how I look or feel. And what he does say is something like - look, I love you, I think you're beautiful and if you wanna lose weight do it for yourself, not me, and let me know what I can do to help.

For me - and this is just me - some people may have other ideas - if he came up to me after losing weight and told me I needed to do the same I would be defensive and mad. If I asked him to help me I'd be way open to suggestions and support.

I completely agree with this. We are the opposite of the OP though. My DH is in great shape, goes to the gym almost every morning. He really enjoys it.

I, on the other hand, could use to lose 30-40lbs. I hate exercising, this isn't a new fact. Dieting is hard work, but I try. He will make comments to me about how I should join a gym or start doing some core yoga. If I eat a cupcake, he'll shake his head. I get so pi$$ed sometimes, I want to eat a whole cake in front of him (but I won't). I know I need to lose weight, but him making comments to me is hurtful and is counterproductive. I almost feel like it's a power struggle with us, me saying he needs to love me the way I am and him trying to change me. I want to lose the weight for me, not because he wants me to.

Other than this issue, I feel we have a pretty good marraige, but this is a very sensitive subject.

Your husband knows he needs to lose weight and a direct approach will probably come off as offensive. Maybe try a more subtle approach like inviting him to join you for a walk or play some tennis.

 

[Angelhalo]

(Speaking from personal experience and nothing else and not saying everyone has to agree)

DH and I have never been "thin" in all the time that we have known each other. However, both of us gained weight after we got married. This year I just said, "Look, we need to do something about this. It isn't healthy for either of us and there are things that we would like to do, and we can't do them." We agreed to work together and now I have lost 32 pounds and he has lost 31. We are both still going strong but, we're only going strong because we support each other. We feel like it is our responsibility to look out for each other, encourage each other, and lift each other up. We're a team. Did we both know we were gaining weight? Sure! Of course we did, but that doesn't mean no one should ever mention it. Turns out my DH just needed a shove and for me to stay vigilant by his side in the journey. He needed to know that he wasn't going it alone and that the need to lose weight had nothing to do with my attraction to him and everything to do with wanting him to stick around as long as possible! He had started Blood pressure medicines, cholesterol medicines etc and I couldn't just sit around waiting for us to both have epiphanies. Luckily for our case, he was receptive and we are both SO much healthier now It truly was not a "you're a gross pig" thing. I know having been heavier my whole life that that is how it can come off, but I think a lot of that is us internalizing it and making it something it isn't. I was truly concerned about our health.


Again, this is MY experience and MY family. Not, everyone is like this, not everyone has to agree with the same philosophy. I'm just sharing.

I don't see any harm in saying something OP as long as it is done with love, kindness, gentility, and a sense of shared responsibility.

(edited because I got paranoid a family member might see something) LOL!

 

[LimeCordial]

This is a tough one. My decision would be based on personality. If my hubs was overweight, pointing it out would not help.

Simply revamping the cupboards/pantry and fridge would be my first step. The more packaged a food is, the more processes and far from being real food it actually is. Put a basket of apples and bananas and if you do lots of carbs, try low carb or gluten free options for breads, bars, crackers and cereals.

Buy or cut up fruits and veggies for the week and put them in individual containers or baggies. You can do the same with some roasted meat and such. Even put dips like hummus or dressing in small containers. Tell him that you're making it easy for your 4 year old to help himself and make healthy choices and mention how convenient it is for your own snacks and lunches as well.

If he's not active but you still have regular family time, try to go out on weekends or evening walks (geocaching is a fun way to get out...google it). Put your kid in a wagon for some resistance walking to a park.

Just try to incorporate fresh food, natural movement and activity rather than a diet and calorie dieting. The more restrictive or regimented you feel, the more some people give up.

Send him some articles online about foods and pain/inflammation. He might be willing to modify his diet if it helps his knees or back. Most of those food suggestions will cause him to feel better overall and a bonus.....slimming down.

 

[Hisgirl]

I agree with so much said here. He knows he is overweight. And he probably hates it, which makes him feel bad about himself, which then leads to self-satisfying eating. It's an awful cycle.

I was worried about my DH not so much about weight, but we were both not being physically active.

So...instead of saying anything, I just started cooking healthy. Like really healthy. And I only bought healthy foods, no more cookies, soft drinks, ice creams...only delicious healthy foods.

I also joined a gym and started working out. Every other day. He saw me making whey concentrate protein shakes and losing weight and quietly...he began to work out. He never said a word to me, he just started.

It's been a choice he has made himself without me nagging. Nagging only turns you into a nag, it has zero effect on changing his behavior.

Get a book called Eat this not that and research what to buy. I get all the foods it recommends from the grocery store and we are seeing the good fruit.

All the best to you!

 

[rwdavis2]

... I signed up in Sept and hope to have it done by Dec. I never though it would come to this.

Boy can I relate to this. I was in years of denial until I finally looked into the surgery. Luckily I ended up not getting it. I know several people that have had great success. You doing gastric bypass or sleeve?

 

[Bilberry]

We're all different in what motivates us to loose weight, and get into shape. Reminds me of a family friend over the years that was always on a "diet" to loose weight. He never ate well on the diets though. He would just eat less junk food for a week or two and after being frustrated from feeling starved would binge and gain back, often plus, the little bit of pounds that had been given up.

It wasn't till he received a scare that he made a life style change. He was told he had cancer. Fortunately the cancer was treatable. After that though he began a "no junk food" life style change. His diet consists of real food he likes to say. Last I saw, he has to have lost 50 plus pounds at this point. He also joined a bicycle riding club, riding all over the place over the weekend.

Since your husband is overweight and having joint issues, I've suggest the Wheat Belly diet for him and the family. Basically this is where one avoids wheat and other grains. Many testify to loosing large amount of pounds, and have seen mysterious aches and pains go away once wheat is out of the diet. The Wheat Belly web sight can be seen at:

http://www.wheatbellyblog.com/

Something else that might help, and is something I've been playing with of late is grounding. It's unique, and I'm surprised it helps as much as it does. I workout and play sports often. As can be imagined from that I become sore from the activities. To my surprise though sleeping grounded has done an excellent job of relieving joint and muscle pains. It has improved my sleep also, which can be helpful in promoting weight loss also.

Along those lines, an article about the importance of quality sleep for weight loss, with mention on grounding.

"Lose Weight While You Sleep"

http://www.annlouise.com/blog/2012/07/31/lose-weight-while-you-sleep/

Best of luck

 

[mombrontrent]

I guess our family is different than most because we will point out the facts straight up

We poke fun and laugh at one another all the time. My DH is the only one who is slightly overweight. He is 5"11 and just under 200lbs. Me and the kids (mostly the kids) tell him he is fat/has a big belly ect. all the time! He knows it and doesn't care. We tell him he looks old because of his grey hair ect. This goes all ways, we all make fun of one another and no offense is taken, it's funny (to us). My DD is called stumpy (she's really short), I'm called a naggy clean-freak ect.. I know not all families are like this however.

The only reason my DH is not more overweight is because we really don't have junk food in the house. I cook vegan so it's hard to get fat on veggies as my DH says. He is a truck driver and delivers food, he is constantly getting free food at restaurants and that is the reason for him being overweight. He says my cooking keeps him in balance.

 

[pigletgirl]

Say something like, "I'm really concerned about your weight, and it's come to a point where you aren't enjoying life like you used too, and I was wondering if you wanted to join weight watchers?" (or whatever weight loss method you choose, but I think weight watchers is a phenomenal program)

But do it in a loving way, otherwise it'll feel totally offensive and it will hurt his feelings. But you as his spouse have a unique opportunity to help him.

Has he been to his physician's office? Sometimes a doc can be just as effective as well.

 

[DelftBlue]

It might be worth looking into a Y with a pool. Water exercise is a lot easier on the joints and you can have family pool time so he doesn't feel alone.


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Sign up for a water aerobics class together or tell him to go out on a walk with you. Don't make such a big deal about his weight. Tell him you want to spend some time with him.

Also, you should both read: One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kazien Way by Robert Maurer. It's a short, easy read but so very helpful. It helped me with my goals and helped my friend change his perspective on weight loss.