Chapter Seven: we pretend we are in the army, and we hup.
After the jet ski trauma, we decided it was time for some well deserved alcoholic beverages in the cool tranquil waters of Serenity Bay. April decided to have her hair braided and said she would meet us there, and for some reason we decided that it would be a fine walk to take on a hot afternoon on our legs, which seemed to be made of jello after hugging the ski with all the force our thighs could muster.
Oh, look, floats! Im SURE they dont sell them anywhere NEAR the adult beach, so lets buy three of them and head on our merry way! Oh, and no need to reapply sunscreen before hitting the trail of tears. Theres nothing more relaxing than a sunburn and a dislocated shoulder.
You know what makes a long and treacherous walk even more fun? A whole bunch of wise guys zooming by on their rental bikes and telling us how much further we have to walk. Hey you, peanut gallery you better shush and hit the road or Im sticking this floatie where the sun dont shine. Savvy?
An eternity later we arrived at our destination and we ordered the magic elixir of coconut and rum. April still had not returned from her hair braiding excursion (makes it sound more exciting
.) so Steve went off to look for her in an effort to keep her from inadvertently wandering into the shops and spending more drunken money. Hey Steve, take this float back, we dont need it
Ha HA! He was not amused.
Lionel and I reapplied sunscreen onto our now angry-pink arms and shoulders and headed for the water, drinks in hand. Initially, we sat in the shallows. Then we thought hey, lets bring some chairs in so we can sit in the shallows in greater comfort. And then, we saw people even FURTHER out in their chairs and thought we could do better than that
.thus ending up sitting in water that came up to our necks and desperately trying to keep our drinks upright as the tide made our seats into rocking chairs. Never the type to give up a fight, we stayed there and tried every configuration possible. Chair facing forward. Chair facing backward. Sitting sideways on chair. Chair on its back.
30 minutes later, we returned the chairs to the shoreline. I gave mine a few swift kicks.
On the floaties, the water was incredible. Every now and then we would peek up and see that we were slowly drifting out to sea and paddled back towards the shore (much to the dismay of the giant mutant sharks, I am sure). Occasionally we would bump into someone else floating along. And while the floaties nearly did us in on the way there, I have to say they were totally worth the backbreaking walk from the other side of the island. Yes, yes I know
..you can rent them there. But what we did builds CHARACTER. You cant buy that.
Steve and April retuned and joined us in the water with drinks in hand. April was looking fabulous in her new braided headband. What was that
..30 tiny little braids there? Yeah, she said, she got me good. Its $2 a braid. Wow. Something Disney warns you about in other ports of call, and it is happening RIGHT THERE on their very own island. I asked her the thing a woman should NEVER ask another when her husband is standing right there how much did that cost? After getting daggers and a SHHHHH! I figured out the answer. Enough to make her husband turn red. I thought that was just the sunburn from earlier. April and Steve ended up in the water for only a short time, then opted to retire under the umbrellas for a beachside nap. We stayed in the water. I planned to soak up every single minute of Serenity Bay, and would be there until they kicked me out, thank you very much.
(I'm the dot in the middle)
After an unspecified amount of time had passed, Lionel glanced over at me and asked if I was ready to head back to the boat. Not on your life, mister I replied and closed my eyes again. And then, there was a giant clap of thunder from out of nowhere. I looked back at my husband. Yeah, now is good.
All of the adults were scattering to the shore like cockroaches when the light in the kitchen gets turned on. Floats were being strewn left and right. Flip flops were being left behind. Just go, man! Forget about the flip-flop, go!
Though the rain was about to start pouring out of the sky any minute now, I had a very important stop to make. You see, I saw the CUTEST Minnie and Mickey plushies in the gift shop that were dressed in Bermudas and flip-flops, and it was very important that I take them home with me. And if I happened to grab a few pins while I was at it, then that was just the way it would have to be.
Steve and April wanted to take the tram back to the boat, but the sight of every other person on the entire island waiting in a line gave Lionel and I a brilliant idea for a new game: RACE THE TRAM.
We looked at Steve and April, looked at each other, and then pretended that we were walking at a normal pace while secretly moving our legs as fast as humanly possible. Halfway to the boat! Three-quarters! No tram in sight! Four-fifths! Five-sixths! Almost there, almost there, go go GO! And then, the unmistakable hum of the trams engines drew up behind us. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! They cant win! We walked faster. We started to run. They were gaining steadily.
And then, the best thing happened the tram stopped. Ha HA! You only THOUGHT it went all the way to the boat! We stepped on the gangway, victorious. Granted, they were directly behind us, but still. We won.
The rain started almost immediately after we boarded.
After cleanup, Lionel and I decided to go and see the Golden Mickeys, since we had wanted to see that one last year and had never gotten around to it. Or had we? Ill admit, the red carpet looked a little too familiar but still I was convinced we were there for the first time. The lady was out front interviewing kids who were from home still, Im sure we never saw this one. Lionel turned to me and said didnt we see this already? I reply they do this before all of the shows, DUH! and lead him into the theatre, shaking my head at his ignorance.
Then the show starts. Were seen this before. Crap. Im wrong and hes right. Quick, make an excuse to save face! I, uh, thought they did the red carpet for ALL of the shows, I read it in the Navigator! I knew he wasnt buying it, but it was all I had.
Hmm. Time for more drinks.
And then, it was PIRATE NIGHT! Yar!
I initially dressed in my pirate gear, otherwise known as some cargo pants and a skull and crossbones t-shirt, but then remembered that I had brought along a dress that Lionel loves and I wanted to wear it in hopes that he might forget that whole incident earlier where he was right and I was wrong. We cant dwell on these things, dear. Look, cleavage!
Works every time.
Dinner was a blast, I loved the Pirate menu. It was good to be back with Dinesh and Sean, since we had been at Palo the night before. They even helped us to settle a bet. You see, Lionel was apparently still on a high from his whole I was right incident earlier (that shall never be spoken of again what happens on the boat STAYS on the boat) and had it in his head that every restaurant had a UNIQUE pirate themed menu. I said no, they are all the same. Sean initially did not want to get involved in this little disagreement, but reluctantly he admitted that he had to side with the lady.
Did you hear that, baby? Im right and youre wrong!
Not much else noteworthy during the dinner except for a conga line (that Sean and Dinesh forced us into) and a limbo stick that everyone was just ducking under. As this was one of the few instances in which my stature is an advantage, and as I have had just enough booze in me to try and show off my MAD LIMBO SKILLZ, I do it the proper way and nearly fall on my butt. No one noticed, right?
Back to the room to change for Pirate Night! I don my gear and help Lionel apply his clip-on earring and then I demand rum. I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the number of folks in costume. It would have made for some great photos if they werent all blurred by the rum.
My favorite pirate, otherwise known as "how do you get the safety off on this thing?"
Up on deck, Captain Hook is invading and we are too busy standing at the bar to assist. The barkeep hands us the strongest rum-runners I have had in my entire life, and I discover a handy secret: order a really strong drink and you never have to go back to the bar again! EVER!
The only photo that came out:
Pirates know how to party! Yar!
Halfway through our drink the fireworks start and I make an attempt to capture the moment on digital film
..about 5 seconds too late every single time. It was the rum. How did pirates ever get anything done? I was turning red in the face and Lionel was getting constantly distracted by cornbread. By the time we managed to get the entire drink down, the party had faded and everyone was heading back to their cabins. Since when do pirates retire early? Do I hear a Yar? Anyone?
Rummy pirates:
Not wanting to go to bed until the room stopped spinning, we headed down to watch the middle of Dead Mans Chest. I was greeted outside the theatre door by a stray cast member who was smiling at my drunken stumble. Hello, pirate!
I begin to attempt my best Jack Sparrow bow but then remember all of the rum and think it better just to smile back and say yeah
hi. Finally the rum (and all of the sunshine) was wearing me down, and I say to Lionel Im ready to go when you are I had seen the Flying Dutchman, CGI sails and all, and that was all I needed. He turned back to me and replied we can go after they play Liars Dice.
Yes, my husband and his friends spent an entire evening playing this game a few weeks ago. And before they spent the entire evening playing this game, they actually looked up the historical rules of the game as it was played even BEFORE pirates. (Was there life before Pirates?) See? Geeks on a boat. You cant make this stuff up.
Coming soon a swervy day at sea, and more trips to Palo than we ever dreamed possible.
As my bath goes cold from me attached to your trip report (still only on day 2!), I'm in! I'll pitch in just to be part of the fun! If we get 30 of your fans to pitch in $100.00 each (well worth the enjoyment of martinis, mud, and such)- we'll be part of the fun too! We're on the 1/6/07 Magic Eastern. Start a list of fans, check the availability, and I'm in!
I think we need to try and proposition Disney to pay for us to review things, and write the cruises off on our taxes. Yar!
