Geeks on a boat! Disney Wonder Sept 3-7, adventures in alcohol....

[DeloreanGirl]

Your writing style is hillarious!! It's the first time I've actually, literally laughed out loud reading this. It's also nice to get an adults perspective. More please!

 

[zweihund]

Thank you all so much! I'm glad that my report is interesting to someone besides myself

Fortunately for "Ralphie" we were indoors in full-on air conditioning, but still....my heart goes out to that kid. Hehe.

And the martini flight was in Diversions, the sports bar (of all places). They also had a beer flight and a tequila foo-foo drink flight. If I recall correctly there was a wine flilght available in the Cadillac Lounge. That's alot of flights.

Working on the next two installments right now! Go, fingers, go!

 

[starseed]

Your TR is terrific. And the picture of that kid has made my night - TOO FUNNY! I can't wait to read more.

 

[zweihund]

Chapter Three - braid your hair, pretty girl?

I woke up at the crack of dawn, in standard Erica fashion, slightly hung over but nothing that my recently discovered morning-after cure could not fix (see below for full instructions). While attempting not to wake Lionel, I bumped into EVERY POSSIBLE THING in the cabin causing loud crashing sounds and whispering “sorry” after each one (because apparently, whispering cancels out the whole waking-up of the significant other? Who knows, I was hung over. It made sense at the time).

Feeling vaguely sneaky, I ran up the back staircase to the Beach Blanket Buffet and then quickly detoured up and over it as I discovered it was not yet open (I emerged facing three servers who looked at my disheveled appearance and seemed to simultaneously sigh in disapproval – see, I told you I was “that girl”). I was a girl on a mission, and I bee lined for the drink station.

Back in the room I sat on the balcony and watched the water while scarfing down my hangover fixer – 2 ginger chews and an ice-cold coke, it really works! Lionel finally decided to get up and join me about 15 minutes later. He groggily informed me that I was too noisy in the mornings. I informed him that I did not know even remotely what he was talking about; I was quiet as a mouse. By this time, we were getting close to our destination, so we both went up on deck to watch this baby get parked.

We stood at the front of the ship, where there were surprisingly few other people. I’m assuming they were all still at breakfast, or sleeping, or just avoiding the area where “that girl” was standing. There was one fellow, however, who was in a seriously flirty mood and was giving me the eye right in front of my husband. He looked me up and down, then touched my leg and gazed longingly into my eyes. His gorgeous red hair fell in curly locks down the side of his face, but not masking his clear blue eyes. He smiled at me, and I melted, right in front of my husband. Luckily Lionel didn’t seem to mind, as he found the fellow quite intriguing himself.

Meet my new boyfriend:

Isn’t he a doll? I fell for him hard, my friends....so very hard.

At this point I turn my gaze away from the handsome little man and notice we were not heading for the same dock we parked at last year. Or were we? We started turning, and for a moment I thought we had overstayed our welcome. But no, Henry was apparently BACKING THE BOAT IN like some giant water bound semi truck. I kept waiting for it to beep loudly, signaling the dock behind us. As we got closer to the dock, we ran over to the port side to watch Henry guide the boat in, perched on his little glass-bottomed platform, with the amazing skill of a superhero.

Later we found out that 90% of the time this is how the Wonder pulls in to Nassau, which means that we were on a rare cruise last year. It was no bother to me, because it meant we had a much nicer view from our balcony this time. It’s not that Senor Frogs isn’t cool or anything, but Nassau isn’t exactly the prettiest of cities and the Straw Market doesn’t make for the nicest scenery. Instead we had a stellar view of an amazing home on the barrier island which undoubtedly had a homeowner’s insurance premium greater than the value of our house.

As we docked, Steve and April found us on the deck and we all headed for breakfast at Parrot Cay. Mushrooms, cheesy eggs and fresh fruit – ahhhhhhh this is the life. Lionel ate enough bacon to feed a small country, and Steve and April enjoyed the flavorful morning food which was a pleasant change from the night before. We made our plans for the day: yes, we would brave the Straw Market. Were we crazy? Maybe. Just maybe.

Before we headed out into the throws of taxi drivers and hair braiders and dogs wandering the streets, we stopped in the Cove Café for some ammunition. Our fellow DISers were already there, putting together pirate goodie bags for the kids. Lionel saddled up to the counter and ordered us a few Mochaccinos, highly recommended by another trip reported. Let me tell you, she was not kidding - this thing is the non-alcoholic nectar of the gods! It was frosty, caffeinated, topped with whipped cream, and undoubtedly the best breakfast drink ever. A few other patrons actually changed their orders after gazing at its beauty. Lionel and I nodded knowingly to them, as if we had created the drinks ourselves and were merely sharing the recipe with the rest of the peasants out of the goodness of our hearts. We slurped, visited a little, and then headed back up to meet Steve and April. Nassau is much easier to deal with when you’re full of ice cream and espresso.

We stopped at Piranha Joe’s and got an overpriced shirt for my Dad, and then headed to the woodcarvers. Lionel loves wood carvings (his Father was an incredibly skilled carver) and we watched for 30 minutes as they hacked a small log into something that started to resemble an animal. We purchased a free-form piece from one of the carvers, haggling only a little bit before settling. Hey, I’m all for getting a bargain on a knock-off Kate Spade bag, but a wood carving requires a tremendous skill that we felt should be rewarded. We got $7 off and that was enough to make us feel less like we had been had. I’m sure we were the laughing stock of the carving station after we were out of earshot.

By this time it was raining lightly, and we were pretty much done with Nassau. Other than the Starbucks we passed (the best looking building for blocks) there was no joy for us there. Plus, we could get a Mochaccino on the boat so move, feet, move! I couldn’t help feeling a little bad for people who were out on expensive excursions as the rain started to pick up. I heard later that Atlantis closed their pool and that the Wonder had done the same.
We wouldn’t know. We were too busy having the LONGEST LUNCH of our ENTIRE LIVES.

You know, despite my overwhelming need to control time and all things contained in it, I am not averse to a casual slow-paced lunch from time to time. However, two hours is where I draw the line and shout out loudly that we had successfully found the worst waiter on the entire face of the earth – he was right there in Tritons. Who knew?
I didn’t get his name, but he was beyond slow and seemed to be alternating helping us (one of his THREE tables) and cleaning up the entire restaurant on his own for no reason whatsoever. I ordered a salad and something from the pasta bar, while everyone else ordered from the menu. He brought mine first, let me eat my entire meal, and THEN brought everyone else’s lunches. When asked for anything, he informed us that he was doing something but would be back in a few minutes. Poor April waited for about 5 minutes to get mayonnaise for her burger (which she ordered WITH her burger, not as an afterthought) which was increasingly growing cold.

When Lionel told us he wanted dessert, I snippily informed him that we might as well just stay for dinner because that’s how long it would take to get a freaking cobbler in this joint. April and Steve left, having been exhausted by the whole process.Now I don’t know if the server heard what I said, or if he finally finished whatever the heck else he was doing, but the cobbler arrived within minutes…..and here is the kicker: it was STILL WARM.
If there had been a way to leave a negative tip, I would have. That was the first and only time we ever had actual BAD service on the boat. Occasionally slow, occasionally not as warm and friendly as I would have liked, but never blatently bad.

Fortunately, there was no time to dwell on the epic meal as we had an appointment at the spa!

Coming next – Erica and Lionel can’t handle the steamroom!

 

[SpideyHulk24]

Great report! Looks like you had lots of fun. Great pics too!

 

[taeja71]

subscribing.....

 

[vgates81]

Nobody ever seems impressed by nassau but those moccachinos sound worth disembarking for!!! Ill have to research what IS good about it.

 

[zweihund]

Chapter Four – the Rasul, and still more booze.

Last year, I had a manicure and a pedicure at the spa. It was terrible. I was going for a bargain and I got something much worse – an overpriced wholly unrelaxing experience. The girl spent the whole time talking to another cast member who was just hanging around, and repeating how glad she was that her contract was almost over.
This year I was smart and had my mani-pedi at my local salon at home for 1/3 the price.

You can take the girl out of the bargain hunt, but you can’t take the bargain hunter out of the girl. Or something like that. Anyhow, not wanting to miss anything but also not wanting to spend $200, I booked the Exotic Rasul for Lionel and myself. He was skeptical, but I dragged him anyway.

I admit feeling mildly self-conscious as we walked into the spa together, dodging knowing glances from the cast members and the patrons sitting on the couches. I felt even more self-conscious as we got a glimpse of another couple leaving the chamber all sweaty and pink, and I started to blush. Lionel looked a little uncomfortable. The hostess just kept right on walking as if nothing unusual was going on in there at all. She sent us in to the lockers to don our ill-fitting robes and uncomfortable plastic shoes and we rejoined her on the walk of shame to the ROOM OF NAUGHTY MUD LOVE (echo, echo, echo).

We shifted back and forth nervously as she went over all of the items we had to sample, and how to use the sauna, and what not to touch. I remember thinking “ok, ok, just stop looking at us like you know what we’re going to be doing in here” and trying to send her vibes that said we were not like all of the other people who have passed through this door. Sex? What’s that? We don’t do that. We don’t even know how! This is Disney, for crying out loud, get your mind out of the gutter! I was fairly certain she wasn’t buying it, but it was worth a try.

I glanced virginally over at Lionel (yep, still trying)and I could tell he was looking for an escape. The scrubs and muds and potions were overwhelming him. I could see the alarm bells going off. GIRL STUFF! GIRL STUFF! DO NOT TOUCH! YOU WILL TURN PINK AND SPARKLY! Were it not for the ridiculously short length of his robe, I would have lost him right then and there and would have been stuck in there all on my own, unable to mud my own back. My robe, on the contrary, was dragging along the ground, and would have caused a nasty spill had I attempted to make a break for it. Don’t even get me started on those blue plastic shoes. Pure evil in slipper form.

Our attendant smiled and left us to try and remember what order we were supposed to apply all of this stuff in. What was it we weren’t supposed to touch in that steam room again? How do we work the showers? What’s my name? Where am I?

The robes came off. I resisted the urge to throw the shoes out the door. We giggled as we tentatively started to apply the mud, first with tiny little dabs and then with increasingly large glops. I have to say, this was MUCH better than last year’s experience. Not only was it (eventually) wonderful and relaxing, but being there with Lionel made it a mutual pampering experience. I won’t go in to all of the details (dead men tell no tales!), but I will share a few tidbits:

Firstly, the steam room is HOT. No kidding, right? You may recall from the previous chapters that I have a hard time sitting still as is, but throw me in a little tiny room with a bench too small for us to sit side by side and turn the temperature up past comfortable for this Florida girl and THEN make it so steamy that you can’t see the door anymoreand you have Erica in a full-on mud-covered state of panic. The floor was too hot for me to stand on but I couldn’t find those stupid little blue slides. I begged Lionel to please please let me out, and he chuckled and agreed as he relaxed calmly on one of the seats.

I felt like a wuss. I failed the steam room test. There I was, covered in mud and shaking like a leaf when suddenly I was hit with a brilliant idea - leave the steam room door OPEN so that I could go back in and not feel like the world was closing in on me. I felt incredibly smart and resourceful as I sauntered back in and leisurely showered off the rest of the mud (in an ICE COLD STREAM! First too steamy and now ice cold? what kind of torture was this?) until I walked back out into the main chamber and could not see a thing. It seems that all of that steam had to go SOMEWHERE. Lionel chuckled at me yet again, and reminded me that this was why we were supposed to keep the door closed, wasn’t I listening? No, dear, I was shifting back and forth in my little blue footies trying to pretend that no one had EVER done the nasty in this room before, especially not that couple who had left just a few minutes ago.

The rest of the experience was lovely, and after trying out all of those products we were feeling like a million bucks (and naturally ready for some more booze). Having just detoxified, it was very important to replace all of those toxins as soon as possible, or you see all of the drinks from the previous evening would have been a complete waste of time and money. As I dressed back in the changing room, I rehearsed my response to the sales pitch that I knew was coming. I practiced saying no in several languages. I debriefed Lionel in the hall on the way to the desk. “OK, if there is anything that you liked in that room I can get it cheaper, so tell them no!” I marched up to the desk with determination, Lionel following behind and shaking his head. And then, the strangest thing happened – she handed us a bag with two full-size products and one sample, smiled, and told us to have a wonderful day. I carefully checked the bill for extra items. Nothing. I was confused. Pampering AND free stuff? Why didn’t I know about this last year???? Lionel looked at me and grinned. “You are so happy right now, aren’t you little miss bargain hunter?”
“I’d be a lot happier if you got me a pina colada.”

Ladies and gentlemen, there are pina coladas, and there are PINA COLADAS. What we experienced after that spa treatment, free goodie bag still in hand (for if I were to let go, someone might realize the mistake they made and come and get it back from me), was in the latter category and was a thing of pure and untainted beauty.

Steve and April had the appointment right after us. I remembered this, and immediately regretted not leaving them a message in mud – “Lionel and Erica were here…..NAKED!” Mwah huh huh huh huh……..

Back in the room, we order the cheese platter from room service that we have heard so much about, and two chocolate chip cookies. Let me tell you the story of the chocolate chip cookie before Lionel does. Last year, he ordered a late night snack of a BLT and a cookie. I had fallen asleep before the tray arrived. Per usual, I was the first one up and discovered said cookie untouched on the table. “Wow”, I thought, “here is a lovely appetizer set here for me by my loving husband.” I headed out to the veranda and proceeded to eat said cookie and all crumbs contained therein.

When Lionel woke, he asked me to hand him his cookie. I said “what cookie?” as I hurriedly wiped the crumbs from my face. It is now one year later, and he is still bringing up that stupid cookie. So yes, we ordered TWO cookies. Just in case. As an aside, the next morning he asked me if I had eaten his cookie again, and I replied that I was hurt and offended that he would ever think me capable of doing such a thing as stealing my husband’s cookie. What kind of monster did he think I was?

When Steve and April arrived back, I knocked on the door and demanded to know what goodies they had received. Lionel demanded that they join us at Diversions for some pre-dinner cocktails and backgammon.

Beer and games. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

In no time at all it was close to our dinner reservation at Palo’s. We headed back to the room where Lionel put on his pinstriped suit of supreme justice and I slipped on my sparkly dress that has only ever made it out of the closet for one other event. There is not much call for cocktail dresses in Casselberry, I am afraid. I was also very excited to have an occasion to wear my pearls, and I headed for the safe……which refused to open. I slid the card, it beeped at me. I slid it again. It beeped. I slid it over and over again, in every possibly position I could come up with. It beeped still, taunting me as I crouched there in my heels. Lionel decided I wasn’t doing it right and took a few turns, the beeping taunting him as well until finally we were getting close to danger time for our dinner reservation. I gave the safe the finger as we headed out the door. I’m almost sure I heard one last beep from it as the door shut behind us. It sounded like this: haha, I win, measly human!

All dressed up, and rather toasted:

Keeping it real:

Despite my lack of pearl luster, Palo was as fantastic as I remembered. We had a window seat and watched as the lights of Nassau disappeared slowly in the distance. I don’t remember much about that night, but I do know that there was champagne. And DISers. And complementary booze from the server, after I had just managed to summon the willpower to cut myself off from the bar. I know there was soufflé. And I know that Steve had about four gelatos. Photographic evidence:

And yes, those were ALL STEVE'S. Our server Hrito was referring to him as the gelato king. Steve proudly accepted that title, though April refused to allow herself to be crowned gelato queen. Who could blame her?

Somewhere in there we also had some of the professional photos taken, in which we managed to look like complete and total stiffs who were neither very tipsy nor very fond of one another. The next day I was looking around at all of the other formal shots which came out so beautifully and then there was ours….”do I really have to touch him? I just spent all that time cleaning off the mud!”

Next: I locate the Flying Dutchman, and take approximately one hundred pictures of it. And 80's night! How could I forget?

 

[JDBlair]

Loving your TR!!! I keep quoting it to DH on the couch. He's lost in Cops and I'm lost in your report - you guys sound fun!!

 

[dan and scott]

What an excellent report! Thank you

 

[RoyalVizier]

Oh man, you're killing me here!

Fantastical report! Loving it.

 

[tjeagle]

Okay, I am already dreading the end of your report! Could you just make stuff up and keep writing? Your report is hysterical!

 

[lillygator]

too funny!!

 

[zweihund]

Thank you all so much! Don't worry, there is more coming....and there is always the option of taking up a collection for another cruise so that I can write some more!

What?

 

[eeyoregon]

Um, could you do us a favor and take the 10 night Med cruise as this 4 night stuff just isn't long enough!!

More please!!!

 

[datsyukchick]

subscribing... Great Report!

 

[cheriemek]

Thanks for the great report!!

 

[LCTsMom]

Thank you all so much! Don't worry, there is more coming....and there is always the option of taking up a collection for another cruise so that I can write some more!

What?

Nice try Erica! (Let me know how that works for you!)

 

[jerry112]

I have never laughed so much reading a trip report!
What a talented writer you are. Thanks for sharing!!

Karen

 

[PaulDavid's mom]

Love the mud spa story. Yeah, the inocent act never works for some reason.