Gambling Problem Solution?

[NYCgrrl]

Someone I care deeply about has admitted to having a gambling problem which is an issue I have little experience with-heck, I don't even play the lottery. When I sold my business and then primary residence a few years back, I "lent" her enough money to get out from under without knowing about her addiction or expecting the funds back (in a personal relationship, I never lend more than I can afford to lose).

Earlier this month she called me distressed and confessed her "sins": the funds she had received in the past were not used to pay off all her debt; her debt has almost doubled and her husband is aware of only the tip of the iceberg. I should be on vacation now but sent the man and DGD on to Europe to try and help her with this life altering problem. Maybe I'll join my family in a few days; maybe not.

I've formulated a plan in my mind to make her more aware of how she needs to fix her immediate problems but am not sure if this makes sense long term and with her addiction in mind thus this thread.

I'll be honest. I don't understand the mindset of gamblers as it seems counter productive to my way of thinking.

TIA

 

[low-key]

Im so sorry, even thoug I love Vegas I dontgambale at all, like you not even lottery. But following sports, I know of athletes who have this addiction, and its a life long battle with failure a lot.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You don't need to formulate a plan to fix anything. You need to talk with her and let her formulate the plan to talk to her husband and how she plans to take the steps to work on this to include gamblers anonymous and some therapy. You cannot fix this at all and if you do she is not going to get any help or learn anything. You also do not need to be between her and her husband. He deserves to know what is going on as it affects him too.

Listen as she talks and let her figure out the steps. She needs to take control and ownership and you are behind her giving support.

 

[fly girl]

I love to gamble. Although I have never had problem, I have lost more than I wanted to. You can't chase your losses.

I don't know exactly what you are asking, as the solution really depends on what triggered her addiction. She needs to seek professional help, to get to the root of why she has become addicted. And she needs to come clean with her family or nothing will be fixed. She will still be living a lie in her own home.

 

[amberpi]

Is there rehab for gambling addiction? Would they take her in an alcohol, drug, or sex rehab program? That sounds pretty extreme. I think I've lost about $50 gambling in my life. I'll play some video poker in Vegas and a few hands of blackjack can be super fun for a hot minute, but it gets boring for me pretty quickly - fortunately I suppose. I think I've bought powerball tickets maybe 5 times in my life maybe? So, I'm not much help, but there may well be inpatient treatment that could really assist her.

You're a very devoted friend to forgo your vacation. Bless you (not to offend I hope).

 

[disneychrista]

Other than not giving her any more money there isn't a lot you can do. Just like drugs, alcohol, etc only the addict can take the steps to "fix" the problem.

 

[a1tinkfans]

She is a Blessed person to have you in her life. I agree with others. The problem is not yours and she needs to come clean with her husband/family. Ur “ helping” is actually enabling her and it’s the last thing she needs.
Perhaps have a talk with her explaining that while you still love your friendship, you can no longer aid her in any financial way at all and strongly suggest she speaks with her family to get the help she needs. She is serious need of help.
Best of luck to her as she navigates thru Addiction!

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Every casino print or TV ad I've ever seen has an announcement at the bottom. Gambling Problem? Call (800-xxx-xxxx). That would be a good first step.

 

[barkley]

Other than not giving her any more money there isn't a lot you can do. Just like drugs, alcohol, etc only the addict can take the steps to "fix" the problem.

The problem is not yours and she needs to come clean with her husband/family. Ur “ helping” is actually enabling her and it’s the last thing she needs.
Perhaps have a talk with her explaining that while you still love your friendship, you can no longer aid her in any financial way at all and strongly suggest she speaks with her family to get the help she needs. She is serious need of help.

Gambling Problem? Call (800-xxx-xxxx).

all of the above. esp. not providing more funds to her-it will just feed the addiction despite what she may tell you, promise you or otherwise (you may well not be the only person she is hitting up to 'help' her-it's not uncommon to seek out multiple people for the same 'needs' so the addict can amass enough to stave off things that will tip off others in the household like utilities being cut off and such-but use all the 'rescue me' funds chasing that big win they are convinced they are due. until she hits her own 'rock bottom' she won't face the facts. it's an addiction like the other types mentioned-there's gamblers anonymous just like a.a./n.a....but she has to want to pursue it and then do so. she and her husband need to be on the same page as to what is going on and address it together-not you and her absent her husband.

 

[wenrob]

My family has a tendency towards addiction and I can tell you that it all happens the same way no matter the poison they pick. I recognize this tendency in myself. It’s why I don’t gamble, rarely drink, don’t accept heavy pain meds etc. The problem is some people either don’t recognize it or they choose to ignore it. I’m dealing with someone who chooses to ignore right now and because I won’t “help” I have become the villain in their personal drama.

I’m telling you this because even though your intentions are good foregoing your vacation, giving money etc. is only enabling the situation. After watching this type of thing my entire life I can tell you she needs to hit rock bottom and try as you might you won’t be able to stop that and you shouldn’t. It needs to happen. Right now she’s not looking for help, she wants you to fix it and you simply can’t. The most you can do is encourage her to come clean to her husband and seek real help in the form of a program and/or counselor. Do NOT give her any money no matter how dire her circumstances seem. Trust me, you’ll find yourself in the endless cycle with her if you do.

 

[kaytieeldr]

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/gam-anon-help-family-friends

 

[indimom]

If the friend/family member wants help, she needs to come clean with her family and locate resources for treatment. If she isn't doing that, she really isn't trying to address her problem/addiction.
If your help involves anything other than supporting her through those steps, you are not helping her.
Compassion is important, but don't let that make you an enabler.

 

[AgentMama]

You don't need to formulate a plan to fix anything. You need to talk with her and let her formulate the plan to talk to her husband and how she plans to take the steps to work on this to include gamblers anonymous and some therapy. You cannot fix this at all and if you do she is not going to get any help or learn anything. You also do not need to be between her and her husband. He deserves to know what is going on as it affects him too.

Listen as she talks and let her figure out the steps. She needs to take control and ownership and you are behind her giving support.

I’m telling you this because even though your intentions are good foregoing your vacation, giving money etc. is only enabling the situation. After watching this type of thing my entire life I can tell you she needs to hit rock bottom and try as you might you won’t be able to stop that and you shouldn’t. It needs to happen. Right now she’s not looking for help, she wants you to fix it and you simply can’t. The most you can do is encourage her to come clean to her husband and seek real help in the form of a program and/or counselor. Do NOT give her any money no matter how dire her circumstances seem. Trust me, you’ll find yourself in the endless cycle with her if you do.

So much good advice here. I hope you're able to support your friend in a way that is healthy for you and doesn't enable her addiction. I agree with the above posters. In order for her to fix this, her husband needs the full picture, not just the tip of the iceberg, and she needs to be actively in counseling. There isn't anything you can do if she doesn't truly want to help herself. Sadly, people who are addicted generally don't change the behavior until they have hit their own rock bottom. As hard as it might be, you will need to make it clear to her that you cannot be involved unless her family knows the full picture, and then, your involvement is only in the form of a supportive friendship, not monetary contributions.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

ALL addictions are HARD to overcome. MY only one tip to give would be this: Do not enable and that means no more $$. lending.

 

[RUDisney]

Is there rehab for gambling addiction? Would they take her in an alcohol, drug, or sex rehab program? That sounds pretty extreme. I think I've lost about $50 gambling in my life. I'll play some video poker in Vegas and a few hands of blackjack can be super fun for a hot minute, but it gets boring for me pretty quickly - fortunately I suppose. I think I've bought powerball tickets maybe 5 times in my life maybe? So, I'm not much help, but there may well be inpatient treatment that could really assist her.

You're a very devoted friend to forgo your vacation. Bless you (not to offend I hope).

You, or she, or together on speaker, you can call 1-800-GAMBLER.

She needs to admit she has a problem and own it before she can overcome it.

 

[mom2rtk]

I agree with the others. You can't fix this. It's her problem to fix. Giving her more money will only delay any potential "fix".

 

[NYCgrrl]

Thank you all for the thinking material and links.

I don't want to enable her problem yet realize there are immediate long term consequences if certain aspects aren't dealt with ASAP. She emailed me a partial debt list that made my hair stand on end and caused me to cry (I don't do this much) when I got off the phone w/ her.

Her husband can't help but already knows some of the money issues. Last time out I didn't realise that gambling was the root of the problem and didn't discuss it with her husband. Won't make that mistake again. Also going to draw up a formal loan agreement w/ them. It'll be my decision as to whether it actually needs to be repaid. And yes she has to acknowledge how all this came to be by entering an addiction clinic/ program. I think her telling me what the underlying problem was is a good start in her development.

Don't worry about me missing the trip as being retired has it's pluses. I'm only out one part of my plane ride and all the other components are still being used by the man and DGD.

If material possessions can help her to find the answer to her mental/spiritual/psychic problem and make her whole AND if the giving causes me no harm ( Not altruistic; me and mine always come first) I'm OK with it. I want to be a friend in good and bad times. Which is not to say that tough love isn't a useful tool. Just don't think it's needed quite this moment.

Again, thank you for helping me to decide what to do.

 

[sk!mom]

You are a good friend to want to help her to the extent of cancelling plans with your own family to try and assist her.

I would agree with others, giving her money is clearly only enabling her. You tried that. She needs to come clean with her DH and seek addiction counseling. If she won’t do those two things, then you should step away. You will then know that she wanted another bailout not true help. If she’s after a bailout rather than support as she seeks help then she will likely be very angry when you set those boundaries/expectations.

I would take a day to support her as she tells her DH, help her seek counseling, and then join your own family on vacation as she and her DH sort their situation together.

 

[wenrob]

Thank you all for the thinking material and links.

I don't want to enable her problem yet realize there are immediate long term consequences if certain aspects aren't dealt with ASAP. She emailed me a partial debt list that made my hair stand on end and caused me to cry (I don't do this much) when I got off the phone w/ her.

Her husband can't help but already knows some of the money issues. Last time out I didn't realise that gambling was the root of the problem and didn't discuss it with her husband. Won't make that mistake again. Also going to draw up a formal loan agreement w/ them. It'll be my decision as to whether it actually needs to be repaid. And yes she has to acknowledge how all this came to be by entering an addiction clinic/ program. I think her telling me what the underlying problem was is a good start in her development.

Don't worry about me missing the trip as being retired has it's pluses. I'm only out one part of my plane ride and all the other components are still being used by the man and DGD.

If material possessions can help her to find the answer to her mental/spiritual/psychic problem and make her whole AND if the giving causes me no harm ( Not altruistic; me and mine always come first) I'm OK with it. I want to be a friend in good and bad times. Which is not to say that tough love isn't a useful tool. Just don't think it's needed quite this moment.

Again, thank you for helping me to decide what to do.

Bailing her out will hinder not help. You’ve already done it once (though you didn’t know it at the time) and she is back in an even worse situation. By giving her more you will be helping to continue the cycle. I know it seems heartless to let her fall but it’s the best thing.

 

[barkley]

I agree with the others. You can't fix this. It's her problem to fix. Giving her more money will only delay any potential "fix".

it can also facilitate putting the gambler's spouse at increased financial risk. in some states all debt incurred during a marriage is the obligation of both spouses to pay off, while in others the one who incurred the debt is responsible but creditors can go after the responsible party's interest in jointly owned property so if the couple owns a home the creditors go after 50% of the value and can force a sale leaving the non gambler in a terrible situation.

there was a terrible situation like this in our community. VERY successful professional w/a hidden gambling addiction. unbeknownst to his wife/family he had run up massive debt after running through all their investments, savings, retirement...had taken out lines of credit the wife had no idea existed. when it fell apart it sunk faster than the titanic. his wife learned about it when the sheriff came and put the notice on the family home. his employees learned about it the same week when they showed up for work and the business was shuttered. the tenants in his properties learned when first their garbage wasn't picked up and then their water was turned off. when all was said and done the wife was left with nothing, the employees were left unemployed/unpaid, tenants were left in unlivable conditions w/no rental deposit monies to move on.

i've heard that the wife was devastated to learn that close friends had floated personal loans to her (now) ex husband to 'help fix the situation'. she feels very betrayed.