Funeral- would this upset you?

[Daisy&Max]

You say he was close to his grandfather. Maybe in his grief he really wanted to be with someone who he felt he could lean on and share his grief with..that would be his wife. Why does wanting to be with his wife have to be a bad thing? I know when I'm upset about something the person I want to talk to and be with is my SO. I love my family and am very close to them, but I need that outside person to support me.

I say build a bridge and get over it. He did what he had to do and now if his dad has a problem with it, let dad deal with him.

Daisy

 

[VillageMama]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

LOL, So who is it about. Everyone else was there. I can't imagine anyone being that vital. Lord knows I am not.

I think it is disgusting when people pass judgment on people for not thinking and behaving in the same way they do.

 

[cheermom1]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

Personally wouldn't want someone sitting next to me trying to comfort me knowing they don;t really want to be there and that it is fake!

 

[Jennasis]

Not at all, what I was trying to say is we all have to do things we don't want to do.

No...maybe YOU do. I do what is best for me and my family. If that means missing a family funeral, then so be it. I will not allow my family to GUILT me into doing things I can't or don't want to do.

 

[Christine]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

He WAS there, though. It wasn't like he was a no-show. He just didn't stay for the ceremonial portion.

Look, was it a perfect situation? Could the brother have stayed? Would it have mildly irked me? I can understand the family members being a little confused and miffed and curious as to his behavior. However, there's no need at this point to dwell on it and become furious over it.

 

[shortbun]

My DH's grandfather passed away this weekend. He has been having some pretty serious health issues and he took a turn for the worse last week and passed very late on Friday night. Most of the immediate family is local. There is a grandchild that drove her family in from Maine, another that came in from NY, and BIL who drove up from Virginia. This is a pretty close family, we see each other all the time.

So the viewing was last night and the funeral/mass is today. Last night at the viewing BIL is not there. Turns out he drove back to Virginia on Sunday. He didn't want to miss any more work for the funeral (he is a high school gym teacher...he left Friday afternoon around lunch time so he only missed 1 afternoon of school). MIL also said he was really upset that he missed Valentines Day with his wife. I couldn't believe that they were making excuses for him! Many relatives were inquiring where he was. Would this bother anyone else? My DH is really mad about this...but obviously won't say anything. I am missing work and since I am a temp I won't get paid for the day but it never even crossed my mind not to go to the funeral. This is his GRANDFATHER!

So, what do you think?

I think his grandfather was dead and he spent time with him while he was living. Too much pressure is put on people at times like this. You are obviously feeling pressure and your BIL is handling his the way he needs to. Put your anger aside, find some peace and celebrate Grandad. This is not about how you feel or what you think should happen; everyone should be allowed to share their grief with whomever they choose. Sounds like BIL gets good support from his wife and that's who he wanted to be with during his grief.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I am just flabbergasted that I am the ONLY one that feels this way...I am absolutely speechless.

Welcome to the real world. Not everyone on this planet is going to think like you, behave like you, or feel the way you do. Get used to it.

But then again I guess I am not surprised after reading all the posts here on the DIS about families around the holidays and how people don't spend time with their extended families and things like that.....I just wasn't raised that way and neither were most of my friends. My family drives me crazy at times, but it is family. I don't know a single person who wants to go to a funeral...I certainly don't. But I go because it is just what you do to pay respects for the deceased and the living. I really just don't get it.....

If this is the attitude that's considered normal in your family, I would have only stayed for a day or so as well. My preference would have been to spend the weekend with someone who loves me as opposed to having to deal with my judgmental family.

 

[scrapquitler]

I wouldn't be upset. BIL came and saw the family. That's good. The funeral for an out of state Grandparent, to me is NOT an obligation when one has a wife/children/job in another state.

 

[wdwfan16]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

He came on a Friday and left on a Sunday. That is 3 days. They wanted him to stay on Monday and Tuesday for a total of 5 days.

That is certainly more than one day.

 

[VillageMama]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Puffkin, I agree with you completely.

I think it is disgusting when family members don't go to funerals. I don't care if you don't "like" funerals... if you don't want to take a day off of work... or if you live far away.

It isn't all about you. Your presence is likely comforting to someone else, so be there. It's one day out of your life.

(Obvious exceptions include those who were abused by the deceased or are too sick to go out in public.)

Well I guess everyone is even.

We don't think highly of that opinion either.

Thankfully we are not related and even as judgemental as my family can be--they have a clue that not everyone can drop everything at a whim b/c the surviving royalty demands it.

I'll use my CA example. It is not 1 day out of my life--It was 4 days. 4 days, I was more than willing to provide. But I could not be there on THE day. I made an effort, it did not work out.

You may think it is disgusting--but unless you pay someone's bills or step up to take their consequences, your judgement is equally if not more disgusting and a bit holier than thou.

 

[cheermom1]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

You CAN NOT tell other how to live their lives! If a person doesn't or can't go to a funeral it is NONE of anyone else's business!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

Oh geez.

I bet if your toddler could read this thread-your toddler would figure out real quick that most of the grown ups in the scenario...are behaving like toddlers.

"Boundaries"--read it.

 

[Jennasis]

I also wonder...if having BIL was such a HUGE deal to his parents, did they ever express this to HIM? Or did they just whinge about it behind his back AFTER the fact?

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

My MIL died last year. She had 6 grandchildren. 2 made it to the funeral. I don't recall anyone saying a single thing about the 4 who didn't come. No one cared.

I think that grief is private and there is no obligation to share it with anyone.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

Oh, so you are projecting your feelings towards your brother onto this poor dude. There are therapists to help with that kind of thing.

 

[wdwfan16]

So it's five days out of his life. But good for BIL... he did what he wanted to do, which has become the ultimate good in our sociey.

Not sacrifice, not duty, not commitment... but 100% self fulfillment. Sounds like my toddler.

So volunteering to get a ticket from Disney is not self fulfilling? Should the volunteering be the right thing to do and not claim the ticket for yourself?

 

[Metsfan520]

It wouldn't have bothered me. I care more about how people treat others when they are alive then whether or not they came to the funeral. You really don't know all the facts about why he didn't go to the funeral. Maybe he hates them, maybe he wanted to be with his wife, maybe he had to be at work.

 

[lillygator]

I think you were the poster that had a lot of funerals lately right? Were you able to make all of those? (I think it was you...sorry if it isn't)