Funeral- would this upset you?

[Christine]

Actually, yes he did. He had preplanned his entire service and life celebration about 2 months ago. He asked all the grandsons and grandsons in law personally to be pallbearers at his funeral. He said it would be a tremendous honor to him. That man also loved a good party They were deeply religious (catholic) so obviously there are a lot of catholic traditions surrounding a death as with any religion. He wanted to have the full funeral mass to convey his faith as well as comfort his wife in the rituals of the catholic church. I am not catholic but I can see how that would be deeply comforting to someone of deep faith. Then he wanted a "hopping" (his words) party of fellowship and rememberance with all his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren there. He even planned it for a place that was suitable for the little ones...heck he even picked out the menu (one of his nephews is a caterer) and included chicken fingers for the toddlers He loved nothing more than spending time with the family...especially the little ones. 4 of the 7 grandchildren live out of state (furthest is 10 hours away) and everyone was there (including their SO and children) except for BIL. We all suffered financial hardships to be there (I am a temp and didn't get paid for the day for instance and it will affect my budget). An outsider to the family may not understand this but it is just so strange that he wasn't there especially considering the relationship he (and all the grandchildren) had with him. The grandfather was a good man and he would do ANYTHING for his family and he did on numerous occassions sacrifice his own personal good to help those around him (including BIL). It is just a really hard pill for all of us to swallow and process....it really did feel like a slap in the face to a man who only thought of others.

In this case it was what the deceased (as well as the living) wanted. That family loves a good get together....but I can see how this may be unusual because I have been around others who don't want any of that at their passing.

I can see where you all were shocked and upset over BIL if this is how you do things. The deed is done now. I just urge you and your husband to try to get past it and not get consumed with hard feelings. If this is the first time BIL has behaved shockingly, I would just let it go. There doesn't even need to any excuses for him. It could, quite simply, be a moment/time of selfishness on his part.

You just have to question if it is *really* worth being angry over or worth changing your relationship with BIL and his wife over.

 

[kaytieeldr]

He asked all the grandsons and grandsons in law personally to be pallbearers at his funeral.

And did all seven of them agree, including the brother-in-law whose ears must not just be burning but have burned off by now? Aside from the logistics and lack of need for seven pallbearers - if he agreed, then it's okay to be upset with him, briefly, for not following through, especially if that left the casket lopsided. If he didn't agree, or actually declined, then I don't see the issue.

But no matter what we think - and this is one of those rare cases where almost everybody seems to agree with the opposing point of view - it appears you're all going to resent him, or worse, for a VERY long time. Nobody deserves that.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I'm amazed that we're 13 pages in and OP is still trying to convince people that they're wrong.

You asked what people think--they told you. Maybe you should accept that and move on.

 

[Goldenbear6]

A BLOOD relative has nothing to do with anything and never once did I say that...I have maintained from the beginning it is about the relationship you had with that person! Seriously, what is wrong with some of you....that is incredibly rude and hurtful. My parents and my aunts and uncles attended and obviously their relationship with him is completely different than mine....he is a distant relative to me. I have 22 BLOOD aunts/uncles plus their spouses on just my moms side of the family....no I do not know some of them very well (even my mom doesn't). My grandmother was the youngest of 14, my grandfather one of 8. I have known my DH's grandfather for 15 years and seen him weekly, so while he isn't BLOOD, he is BLOOD to my DH and my son and our relationship was a lot different than some of my more distant relatives.

You are way to emotional. You really need to accept other peoples ways of living, and get on with your own life. Not everyone is the same. In my way of thinking, a funeral should be a celebration of life, not death.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm amazed that we're 13 pages in and OP is still trying to convince people that they're wrong.

You asked what people think--they told you. Maybe you should accept that and move on.

13 pages and I'm amazed that we're still trying to convince the OP she was wrong! If it ain't happened by now, it ain't gonna happen. I guess we'll just have to accept her for who she is.

 

[lillygator]

what's good for the goose...apparantly is not good for the gander.

 

[MELSMICE]

Puffkin.............I can see where you are coming from.

I guess it's just that families are different & everyone has a different relationship with different family members. This part of yours & your DH's family sounds a lot like my mom's side of the family. There is no way on God's green earth that I or anyone would have missed the celebration of their life after my grandparents passed away. While we have become spread over the country throughout the years, those 2 people held our family together & set the tone for what our family is today.

My dad's side of the family has never been as close. My dad & his brother's had no service for their parents. Their parents were very frugal people & didn't want any money spent on anything. They were cremated and buried at a later date with only their sons in attendance.

I can see how you, your DH & your DH's family are hurt by your BIL's actions. I'm sure the thought process is, "this is not the way this family behaves".

I, personally, believe many of these posters are being too harsh saying you are being rude & insensitive to your BIL. If his grandfather had asked him to be there & he said he would be there, then it is disappointing that he wasn't.

I understand everyone deals with death differently. I also understand that BIL may have had his reasons for leaving. It doesn't sound like there was a conversation between BIL & his parents explaining why he had to leave (at least from what I've read). Maybe if there was there wouldn't be hard feelings.

I can understand your frustration. I also believe at this point it's best to let it go. BIL disappointed his parents, siblings & himself (whether he will admit that or not). And, while he is no longer here, he has disappointed his grandfather. He has to live with his decision now.

 

[puffkin]

And did all seven of them agree, including the brother-in-law whose ears must not just be burning but have burned off by now? Aside from the logistics and lack of need for seven pallbearers - if he agreed, then it's okay to be upset with him, briefly, for not following through, especially if that left the casket lopsided. If he didn't agree, or actually declined, then I don't see the issue.

But no matter what we think - and this is one of those rare cases where almost everybody seems to agree with the opposing point of view - it appears you're all going to resent him, or worse, for a VERY long time. Nobody deserves that.

Yes he agreed. He and MIL even went out and bought a suit at Christmas because we knew the end was soon (we didnt' expect it this soon...but by spring we did). There were 7 because grandfather didn't want to leave out any of the grandsons or the husbands. He didn't tell the grandmother he had left to go back until Monday afternoon (before the viewing). The rest of us found out at the viewing.

I dont' think that is a fair statement (bolded). I am sure there are many that don't want to "jump in the fray" and present a different opinion. I have seen that many times before on discussion boards...a thread will take a certain tone and people with opposing views are afraid to post for fear of being judged/attacked. I have quite a few PM's that suggest this and I do appreciate those very much. I know there are differing opinions on this subject and my opinion would most likely be a lot different if this were a different relative and the relationship were different.

And I apologize for "fanning the fire". I was just trying to present the background as obviously no one knows our family personally on why this would be so upsetting to the family. Again I realize every family dynamic is different, but in this situation it just doesn't make any sense and added a lot of stress to the family that was there. Again, if this were a different relative it probably wouldn't have been a huge issue but in this situation given the background it was.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Okay, I always have to fight for the underdog so here goes. I think OP had a right to feel hurt. Very seldom is personal hurt grounded in something so cut and dry to everyone else. We all have hurt that we carry and feel that isn't that understood by others and so none of us can point the finger too much in my book.

Clearly this is a bonded, strong, family who had a lot of ties to each other. I found the part about Grandpa picking out chicken fingers for the toddlers for the after funeral the menu to be especially touching. I am sure that if Grandpa had been asked in the weeks before his death "do you want so and so (i.e. bil) to be there he would have said "yes". But now in death, I feel based on my beliefs, he is fine with what transpired. But as has been mentioned, funerals are for the living. So while Grandpa in his new existance is okay with this, dad of bil and grandma are not.

All familes seem to have a bit of a blacksheep. In mine its my sister. Much of it has been her doing, some of it has been us not giving her a break in those instances when she actually deserves it! I think its likely this guy can do no right for some time to come and I think that is something that this family needs to think about. Because if Grandpa was as much about family as is said (and I believe that) he would not want his death to be a final straw or platform for this guy to be the outcast.

Again, I think OP has the right to be hurt. We all have and exercise that right. But then again, enough is enough.

I do think Puffkin you have given it your best shot to convince so many that you are right to feel and react as you are. And you can't seem to do that and I do have to say, play the numbers. Not everyone but a very few can be wrong!

Let this go. Try to play peacemaker maybe and even say "hey I ran this by a bunch of online friends and they all say to let it go, its not the end of the world".

I do so see how you and the others might feel hurt. I know I was raised to go to grandarents funeral and we drove over 1000 miles in one day with two very small kids to attend my grandma's. It didn't occur to me do otherwise. But I think in today's times of two working parents and so many obligations, a bad economy where people cannot risk getting a boss or school district upset with family leave, even of the funeral variety, well things have changed. It is what it is. So I get where you are coming from but I myself have learned from this thread that what may have been expected in years past, is no longer the norm. And your bil did drive a great distance, in the winter to come and be with family which is so much better than nothing and more than a lot would do.

Let it go, good luck and I hope your family heals up with not only the loss but this clearly deep seated anger towards this guy. Again, grandpa in my mind based on what you have said, wouldn't want any of you to carry this torch. I so agree with an earlier sentiment that if you all persist, every family gathering from here to eternity will be hell on earth. Don't let that happen!

That's my .02 and it was long winded but I have learned first hand in my own family, grudges, even justifiable ones are poison and not worth it! Life is too short and family is too precious. I hope you work it out!

 

[mumom95]

Actually, yes he did. He had preplanned his entire service and life celebration about 2 months ago. He asked all the grandsons and grandsons in law personally to be pallbearers at his funeral. He said it would be a tremendous honor to him. That man also loved a good party They were deeply religious (catholic) so obviously there are a lot of catholic traditions surrounding a death as with any religion. He wanted to have the full funeral mass to convey his faith as well as comfort his wife in the rituals of the catholic church. I am not catholic but I can see how that would be deeply comforting to someone of deep faith. Then he wanted a "hopping" (his words) party of fellowship and rememberance with all his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren there. He even planned it for a place that was suitable for the little ones...heck he even picked out the menu (one of his nephews is a caterer) and included chicken fingers for the toddlers He loved nothing more than spending time with the family...especially the little ones. 4 of the 7 grandchildren live out of state (furthest is 10 hours away) and everyone was there (including their SO and children) except for BIL. We all suffered financial hardships to be there (I am a temp and didn't get paid for the day for instance and it will affect my budget). An outsider to the family may not understand this but it is just so strange that he wasn't there especially considering the relationship he (and all the grandchildren) had with him. The grandfather was a good man and he would do ANYTHING for his family and he did on numerous occassions sacrifice his own personal good to help those around him (including BIL). It is just a really hard pill for all of us to swallow and process....it really did feel like a slap in the face to a man who only thought of others.

In this case it was what the deceased (as well as the living) wanted. That family loves a good get together....but I can see how this may be unusual because I have been around others who don't want any of that at their passing.

But did the grandfather ask that the BIL be there, KNOWING that he didn't want to be there? That's the question that needs to be answered.

Sounds like the grandfather wanted everyone there because he thought they would have a good time. Would he have wanted them to be there if he knew they didn't want to be there? If the answer is no, he would not have wanted his grandson to be there if he didn't want be, then you and the rest of the family have no reason to be upset. If the answer is yes, he would have wanted him there even if he was no matter how the grandson felt, then go ahead and be upset, because apparently your family doesn't care about each other as much as you think. Maybe you are one of those families that is all about appearances.

 

[okeydokey]

I should clarify that he moved away about 2 years ago. Until that point he had seen them at least once a week but often times more. Now we see him 2-3 times a year...but again this has only been a recent change.

And again, why does everyone think that I am saying you have to go to EVERY funeral????? In this case due to the relationship I think it is warranted.

But BIL didn't, so that's that. No use brooding about it now. Grandfather would not have wanted his funeral to cause turmoil and bad feelings in the family, would he?

 

[Praying Colonel]

13 pages and I'm amazed that we're still trying to convince the OP she was wrong! If it ain't happened by now, it ain't gonna happen. I guess we'll just have to accept her for who she is.

Yep, I tried to avoid posting but it got the better of me. Moving on to other topics where people are more reasonable--like refillable mugs and pool-hopping.

 

[crashbb]

I'm amazed that we're 13 pages in and OP is still trying to convince people that they're wrong.

You asked what people think--they told you. Maybe you should accept that and move on.

Not only is it still going. But the OP keeps coming up with more and more reasons that the BIL is wrong. Now, all of a sudden, he skipped his pallbearer duties when he didn't attend.

 

[Va-bear]

I would rather not have attended.......... I know everyone grieves in their own way and should be allowed to do so, but sometimes we have to put aside what we want/need for just a few hours/days to attend to others that need more than we do.

I am wondering if you can use that memory of not wanting to go to the funeral of your brother and the understanding that people grieve differently, to help you? If you can remember that feeling - whether you went w/ the feeling or not - maybe you can relate to your BIL's reaction.....

I agree w/ you that sometimes we do things we dont 'want' to... Well, SOME of us do and that is a decision we make because it feels right, but that is OUR decision.

My DH is pretty much phobic of funerals and will not attend them... almost 100% (the exception was my fathers funeral...) Over and over I've told him that he 'should' attend this or that funeral but he cant bring himself to do it. But the way I see it is he is FEELING that death as much as, if not more than, many others - he truly suffers over them.... But, yes, his family is quite critical over his not attending them. But, basically, he cant handle it....sad, really. Some understanding that, as you said, we all grieve differently, might carry you and your family far here.

I am sorry to hear of all the losses you've experienced this year.

 

[Missy1961]

13 pages and I'm amazed that we're still trying to convince the OP she was wrong! If it ain't happened by now, it ain't gonna happen. I guess we'll just have to accept her for who she is.

So true.

 

[Jennasis]

Not only is it still going. But the OP keeps coming up with more and more reasons that the BIL is wrong. Now, all of a sudden, he skipped his pallbearer duties when he didn't attend.

One would think, an important dis by the BIL like that would've been mentioned straight off the bat. I suppose next we'll hear that he punched a nun on his way out and did donuts on the church lawn screaming "so long suckers!!" as he drove away.

 

[FergieTCat]

I did not read this entire thread, but I keep on getting stuck on the original question.

I was at a funeral on Sunday and the ONLY thing that upset me was the fact that my nephew was being buried, unexpectedly and much too soon. I can't imagine caring who may or may not have attended. To each his/her own to handle grief his/her own way.

 

[wdwfan16]

Not only is it still going. But the OP keeps coming up with more and more reasons that the BIL is wrong. Now, all of a sudden, he skipped his pallbearer duties when he didn't attend.

I think she is making up a few facts now. If that was true then I cannot for the life of me understand why she did not say it in the begining. Also there were to be 7 pallbearers. How would that work?

The op also now have 22 blood aunts and uncles just on her mothers side. The poor women she had 23 kids!!!!

 

[MELSMICE]

Okay, I always have to fight for the underdog so here goes. I think OP had a right to feel hurt. Very seldom is personal hurt grounded in something so cut and dry to everyone else. We all have hurt that we carry and feel that isn't that understood by others and so none of us can point the finger too much in my book.

I agree. No one knows the dynamics of the OP's family. I believe she has a right to be hurt - as do all the other members of the family.

I really think some of you posters are being hurtful, disrespectful & condescending to the OP.

 

[crashbb]

I did not read this entire thread, but I keep on getting stuck on the original question.

I was at a funeral on Sunday and the ONLY thing that upset me was the fact that my nephew was being buried, unexpectedly and much too soon. I can't imagine caring who may or may not have attended. To each his/her own to handle grief his/her own way.

I'm sorry to hear about your nephew. Hugs to your family.