As you have recently read, I have been challenged to come up with a "very funny" chapter tonight, apparently since my previous ones were so serious and morose.
I, in turn, have promised to dedicate this chapter to said person, and after talking to my publicist, he thinks it would be a good idea to go ahead and keep that pledge, it would show a more human nature side of me by acknowledging the "little people" that make this all possible.
Ane because I haven't really got squat, otherwise.
Let us begin this chapter with my most hearworming dedication, a first time for me.
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I would like to dedicate this chapter to a very dear, old friend of mine, someone who has prodded me when things got slow, gave me encouragement when all was lost but never once lost faith in me, a total inspiration, Ol' Whats her face. I don't know, Self rescusitating pincers or something like that. I have no doubt that with her confidence in my ability, I will now be able to reach an all time low for a chapter, especially since it is now pretty much pre-ordained that this is gonna fall on it's face, big time, as you know it must. But since she has demanded funny, we will all know where to point the fingers when this travesty of a chapter is finally completed.
This dedication is to you, "Rebecca of Funy Book Farm." or, it could be a memorium when it falls on it's face, "may you rest in pixie dust."
(ok, how many words is that? enough for a small chapter? can I go watch tv now?)
Six thirty Tuesday evening found us back in Epcot, fuzzy cups in hand.
Naptime was not very long, not really positive if I slept at all but after thinking about it, I must have since I could not find my Dodge Challenger in the parking lot anywhere, and that was over at Sea World.
So either I left it there and took a cab here, or I have to get back over there to continue to search for it.
Or I dreamt it. Yah, that was probably it.
Damn, I lose more nice cars that way.
Our plan this trip since it is going to be crowded of "stopping to smell the roses" is working out just great today, we havent rushed around trying to get in attractions at all.
Cuz we haven't seen any attractions at all.
And about the only thing we have really stopped to smell outside of lunch has been our pillows.
Unfortunately, with Illluminations not too far off, there isn't a whole bunch of time for us, and I wan't to do something, ANYTHING!
Since we are right over there, I said let's at least see Martin Short, so we headed over to Canada and were told it's only five minutes till the next show.
Great!
Not so great.
They would not let us bring in our fuzzy cups in the theater. Damn, knew we should have went with the Sunny D's.
After a two minute debate outside, I wasn't going to toss this beautifully prepared drink, we decided to chug them.
I have little bottles with me, we can always get drinks here in the Showcase somewhere and we need at least a movie under our belt.
I'm not sure how her drink was, but I had plenty of alcohol in my "highball".
Plenty. Ten minutes into the movie I was reeling a bit from chugging it down.
When they show all the pictures at the end of some famous Canadians,
even Celine Dion was looking good!
God help me!
After it was over, we had a dilemma, which way to go?
We want to try to get a spot over by Mexico for the fireworks, the bridge there is always our favorite spot to watch, but not sure what the construction is like now over there with them still working on the new cantina.
Should we cut through the plaza? Or just go through all the countries. I figured we stil had lots of time, so the countries won.
The chugging also had another effect on Smidgy, she needed a bathroom.
We planned to get a beer in Morocco anyway, and we were pretty sure there was a john there also. One of those "companion" type bathrooms that I will not take any part of again in my life.
I have learned.
But that was ok for her.
I told her I would be right near the weird irrigation system by the promenade, find me there so she went off in search of the bathroom while I went in search of some good people watching.
Man, did I hit the jackpot!
After some boring people walked by, I found a great place to lean against a water trough and could watch to my heart's content without being obvious.
The only problem with the location was the constant, trickle, trickle of the water making it's rounds.
Thanks, I really needed that.
Then a young couple came walking by with two small girls.
All the women also went in search of the hidden Moroccan bathroom, leaving the guy all by his lonesome.
Or so he thought.
And this guy had it bad!
A cold, you think?
Sunburn?
No no, far worse than that.
As soon as they were walking away, he was going at it with both hands.
I'm talking terminal jock itch here.
Did you ever get emabarrassed for somebody else?
I was. At least he was keeping his hands outside his shorts.
So far.
But I wasn't crazy about the look on his face. I know that look of euphoria that you can get when you finally reach an itchy spot on your back, but.......
Well, his face showed he just can't scratch this itch, it was almost anger there.
I remember my dad once suggesting to me that if this happens to use Lava Soap and a wire brush, but I was pretty much sure he was kidding.
And I did consider sharing this advice with this guy, or at least suggest SOS pads cuz he looked like he could use them, but then it dawned on me.
What if he's doing it unconsciously, doesn't realize the show he's putting on?
Then I'm the one who's going to look like an idiot, or worse, going up to a stranger and making conversation about his crotch.
Yep, seeing that sentance in print now confirms that I made the right choice in keeping quiet.
Or even worse yet, what if he's so gratefull for the information that he wants to shake hands with me?
So I didn't say nothing, just let him have at it, and looked around to see if there was another act on it's way to occupy my time with.
I got the mini-act, but always one of my favorites.
Two women are walking my way, I would put their age somewhere around 30, with one of them doing most of the talking, and the other one glancing down every couple of steps.
She was listening, but most of her concentration was in the glancing down, and no, she wasn't looking for quarters.
I'm gonna bet that a lot of you women out there know where I am going with this one, right? I've seen a lot of women do this, especially in bars and especially when dancing.
She was definately making sure that there was just the right amount of movement on her chest, or at least to make sure the cargo hadn't shifted.
She was so fascinated by it that I couldn't help become fascinated as well.
Beat the hell out of watching "Jock Itch" guy.
Once again, I didn't have the heart to tell her she needed new shocks on the right side and kept my mouth shut.
Then they were gone.
A glance to my right confirms "Jock Itch guy" is still there. He's probably going to be there until Smidgy comes out since his group went in after she did.
Great.
A look back down the promenade rewards me with another young couple, holding hands, ah, true love, at least for today.
She says something to him, he nods, then she throws her arms around him an gives him a big kiss, probably says "Wait right here," and heads off to war.
Yes, she's in search of a john too, and with the companion bathroom, war isn't too far from the truth.
So her young, foolish boyfriend walks over by a garbage can, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes.
I am all eyes now.
He's not gonna really light it, is he? No way, no way, not right on the path, no way, there's no DSA anywhere near. Nope, can't be that dumb,,,,,,,
HE DID!
I was excited now. I just couldn't believe he just lit that up like he's on his front porch. Oh boy, oh boy, it's gonna get good now!
I could recognize the pack from where I leaned. It was not an E Cig, this was a Marlboro. I wondered how many puffs before the Disney Police had him surrounded. ]
"Come out with your hands up!"
I wondered if he's carjack an
ECV to make his escape like I almost did once.
And he's not even trying to hide it. He's doing everything but blowing smoke rings.
Nobody bothered him.
That was when I knew he was not of this dimension, that somehow he had crossed over from somewhere else and I was the only one who could actually see him.
His cigarettes and lighter are sitting on the top of the garbage can, there's virtually no wind so there's a cloud of smoke over his head, and still nobody pointed, nobody complained, nobody did nuttin!
Two cast members walked by, I swear they looked right at him and kept walking. I think he could have set up a bong pipe with a pitcher of beer and some good Panama weed and nobody would have said a word.
It blew my mind, he smoked it all the way down, ground it out on the side of the can and threw it inside.
If that would have been me they would have turned the firehose on me.
Smidgy then came out followed by Jock Itch's family so he was back to looking miserable and we then stopped for the cheapest beers you can get in World Showcase at the Morocco stand.
They also have the cheapest Margaritas here but I don't recommend them, unless you have a fondness for turpentine.
As we neared the American Adventure we heard music and I remembered that the U2 cover band is playing tonight. Neither of us are fans, that's why it wasn't written into the schedule but I told her that it would be cool if instead they had karaoke out there.
Yeah, this is what happens when I go somewhere like the night before at Jellyrolls and people are singing into microphones.
I wanna play too!
She just looked at me, said right, I'm sure people all over the world want to go to Epcot and hear Nebo sing.
"Maybe you could have brought your accordian too?"
(sorry, have to do this again, blame Rebecca)
Sure, you laugh, but you haven't lived until you have heard House of the Rising Sun or Sunshine of your Love on the accordian.
After she got her accordian dig in, I asked her if she wanted to go inside and watch the Colonists beat up the Redshirts again in the show with Ben Franklin and Mark Twain.
She said no, I know how it ends.
"Well just remember young lady, if our forefathers hadn't put up the fight and resistance that they did, you'd probably be speaking English today!"
I thought that was a great line, but all I got was the look again from her.
Man.
On we went. Passed up Maelstrom cuz the line was too long.
(five minutes is too long of a line for me for this "attraction".)
Then we went inside of Mexico, there wasn't much of a line for "It's a Small Mexican World" so we did it.
I'm sorry, this is yet another ride they have redone and made worse.
It falls right in there with Imagination, which they have re done twice now and need to redo it yet again, Spaceship Earth of which Ol' Walter Chronkite OR Jeremy Irons were still better than Judi Dench, or Alien Encounter which is now called a pile of crap.
No, I don't think the 3 Caballeros add a thing to the boat ride, they just make it more incomprehensible, and don't make me type that word again! Geesh!
After the ride, we came back out onto the promenade.
I had really thought I had done a terrific job diverting her attention on the way into the pavillion, because we had to walk right past the Margarita stand there.
Smidgy just loves me some of them Margaritas.
Well, either she saw it and wasn't sayin yet, but she's a coitenly sayin' now,
"You know, you still owe me a Margarita."
"I do?" Uh, from what?
"Ok, let me just say two words, and I'll leave it at that."
"8 feet."
"And what flavor would you like, miss?"
I went and ordered two to the combo ones. Hey, if I'm buyin, I'm tryin.
Oh, these are very tasty, but they are very expensive.
I think they are up to nine bucks a piece now.
But my main fault with them is there is almost no booze in them.
Hey for nine bucks a pop, I want to be jumping in the lagoon nekked after a couple of them.
I mean watching other people jump in the lagoon nekkid, oh, and singing "Stayin Alive."
As we are slurping down all the frozen part that is above the rim of the glass, even Diane noticed that there's hardly any booze in it.
"They should rename the stand to "I can't believe it's not Margaritas!"
"Yeah," I chimed in, "that way when everybody buys one and tries it as they are walking away they can all say, "I can."
Then, with our backs to the promenade, I pulled out a couple of vodka bottles and dumped one in each drink.
"It's a miracle! It's now a Margarita."
I handed over the other little bottle that was hers to do with whatever she wanted, and then, well,,,, I ,,, um, well,,,,,,,
I dumped my own last little bottle in the drink also.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice, I just spent 9 bucks,, plus tax, on this crappy thing and I'm getting something out of it.
No kidding, without any "outside help" in these Margaritas, I've gotten a bigger buzz sniffing a Tidy Bowl tablet.
NU, NU! Don't knock it till you've tried it.
There wasn't any chance of getting choice spots for Illuminations, and as we suspected, the construction over there really cut down things a lot, so we kept walking around to the Showcase Plaza.
I couldn't possible tell you how many times we have seen this show but we really don't require a railing viewpoint, just a small opening a row back will do.
We found one with about 15 minutes to go.
You could tell the family in front of us has staked it out for a long time, even the dad was now half hanging from the railing whining about how much longer it is till it starts.
Next to us was another family, four of them, and so far they were being really quiet, which is my only requisite for anybody watching this great show.
I don't mind talking during Wishes, it's to be expected cuz the show is desighned to be watched in front of the Castle on Main street, so everybody is walking by, mumbling about how in the world are we going to find our white, rented car in the TTC.
But Illuminations is all class.
The score is unbelievable
If you let the show work it's magic, there is no way you can NOT get chills at the end. All due to the power of the musical score.
In the 15 minutes of waiting, I spoke briefly with the guy next to me, seemed ok, wanted to get this on video.
THe guy next to him heard this and said the same thing, "I want to get this on video too."
One other thing; this guy was also on the short side.
A couple minutes before the show, mom put the little girl on her shoulders for a better view over the family in front.
Then I opened my big mouth:
The liitle boy's name was Tommy;
I turned to the guy and said,
"Hey, how about I put Tommy on my shoulders so he can see better?"]
I have done this in the past, with no problems whatsoever.
"Excuse me?"
huh? I know that he heard me.
"How about I put your son on my shoulders for a better view, I've seen the show inumerable times and he will enjoy it better."
"That is not my son, that's my step son."
You talk about getting hit out of left field?
Time seemed to come to a crashing halt for me.
Part of my warped mind was singing, "Can, you feel the love tonight."
Another part was saying , "why was that important to tell me that?"
And yet another part was wondering what is going to come out of my mouth now, I have to say something.
All these thoughts traveled through my nerves and synapses in no more than a quarter of a second.
So when he said, "That is not my son, that's my step son,"
I immediately responded with, "That's ok, these are not my shoulders, they're from my wife's ex."
Yes, I know it didn't make much sense but that's what happened and that's what came out. You know, now that I think of it, he was trying to show his displeasure with getting into a ready made family, and, in a weird way, what I told him back was kinda going along with that thought train, these WERE my wife's ex's shoulders.
After I gave the bizarro response, I then leaned over to Tommy and asked him if he'd like to see better from on my shoulders so his "dad" could video the show. I couldn't wait to hoist him up there, now.
He said, "No thanks Mister, I've seen it before."
8, 9, 10,,,,YER OUT!
Then video creep opened his mouth just enough to say,,,"See?", and the show started.
On top of it all, he and the other guy that wanted to "video" the show, talked about shooting it and camera's throughout the entire show, I was now close to homicidal.
After a couple of "Shushes" by Diane didn't work, I leaned over and suggested he keep it quiet before his step son will need a new step father, he was being that loud and obnoxious. It worked for a while, but he started up again and I moved away a bit.
One thing is common now at Epcot; it is very rare we get to see and hear the show the way it's meant to be seen and heard. It's always a crap shoot but one thing I can guarantee you, kids will make a fool of you every time, or at least until you grow up.
good night all see you soon.