"Friends" who don't reciprocate?

[lizzyb]

I had a "friend" like this and ended the relationship. Not worth it.

 

[wiigirl]

I'd let it go at this point.
You have made yet one more contact with her, telling her you'd love to get together and whatever.

The ball is in her court. If she has "something" going on in her life that is making her so busy she can't be in touch, then you continuing to contact her is only going to stress her out.'

So, leave it alone. She has all your contact info, she knows how and where to find you.

x2

 

[lovemygoofy]

So I could be "that friend" right now and I'm not going to give a defense but just my side.

I try my best to remember to text people or send an email but life is rushing past me so fast right now I'm doing good to just drive in the slow lane. Everyone wants some attention which is a great problem to have but there's only so much spare time I have right now. I suck at juggling friends and family.

Right now I work at least 50 hours a week and my husband is deployed and everyone wants to talk about their stuff and their lives and then throw me the "oh hope you are okay but you are used to this"

Now I have friends I have had for 30 years and seriously I can fall off the grid with no text or emails and we pick up like nothing happened. I know they would walk through hell barefoot for me and I would do the same for thing whether I talked to them 5 minutes ago or 5 months ago. That's the kind of friendship we have.

When I had more time to reach out, I still let people be because people are just so busy lately. I would reach out here and there and offer a coffee meeting or ice cream and just few minutes breather out of the real life going on.

I know what it is like to be on both sides of the coin and really I think it is if you want that person in your life at all anymore. I'd rather have people I love in my life a little bit than not at all.

 

[Laura66]

So I could be "that friend" right now and I'm not going to give a defense but just my side.

I try my best to remember to text people or send an email but life is rushing past me so fast right now I'm doing good to just drive in the slow lane. Everyone wants some attention which is a great problem to have but there's only so much spare time I have right now. I suck at juggling friends and family.

Right now I work at least 50 hours a week and my husband is deployed and everyone wants to talk about their stuff and their lives and then throw me the "oh hope you are okay but you are used to this"

Now I have friends I have had for 30 years and seriously I can fall off the grid with no text or emails and we pick up like nothing happened. I know they would walk through hell barefoot for me and I would do the same for thing whether I talked to them 5 minutes ago or 5 months ago. That's the kind of friendship we have.

When I had more time to reach out, I still let people be because people are just so busy lately. I would reach out here and there and offer a coffee meeting or ice cream and just few minutes breather out of the real life going on.

I know what it is like to be on both sides of the coin and really I think it is if you want that person in your life at all anymore. I'd rather have people I love in my life a little bit than not at all.

This!

I've been on both sides as well!

I actually have a friend I haven't gotten together with for 4 months! I adore her and I know I'm special to her as well but we just can't seem to get together! She busy with her job and 2 kids and their activities abd her husband works long hours. If she gets a minute I'm sure she just needs to chill on the couch!

I catch her at the grocery store or Target on ocassion and I can tell she's embarrassed and feels bad. I've told her then - and in texts and phone calls - that I miss her and woukd love to spend time with get BUT that I totally understand and not to feel bad. It'll happen. It has - and when we do see each other - there's such a connection that I feel as if I just saw her the day before!

She's worth the wait - and I know I'm worth it to her as well!

 

[Andtototoo]

I agree Goofy. The so called ball is in her court now. Won't be contacting her again....not out of spite, but if she felt I was in the least bit important to her she could at least give me the courtesy of a quick reply.

Que sera sera! Ob La Di! Ob La Da! Life goes on....

I did just that about 18 months ago with someone I've been friends with for over 20 years.

I noticed about 3 years ago, that I had to initiate every contact or get together PLUS I had to drive TO her (she couldn't ever drive to me). This situation first became clear to me after I gave up an entire day to help her with her business. I'm not expecting fireworks and she did thank me at the time, but it occurred to me then, that she had no problem with me giving up my day, but since I moved ten minutes away from her, that drive became "too long for me to do" (she drives all over the region for her business).

So at that point, I began to pull back and stopped contacting her. Just to see what would happen. She sees my dh regularly and kept saying to him, "Have Andtototoo call me!" He retorted EVERY time, "Why don't you call her? The phone works both ways." She would shrug and say, "She needs to call me." After a YEAR of this, my dh finally said, "Andtototoo is hurt that you never contact her. Just contact her. In fact in the time you spend talking to me, you could have texted or called her." She said, "That's not how it works."

I got it. Finally. I got it. The way "it works" is that I do everything and she does nothing. I just basically dropped her. Did not contact her for her birthday or take her out the way I used to. No contact.

Then the topper was that on my birthday I got a card from her... complaining that I wasn't contacting her.

Oy. Done. So done. Put a fork in me already.

 

[BrookieCookie]

I am going through this too. I have 4 friends, 3 of which I have to do all the contacting. If I don't call or text them, then I don't hear from them. When I do contact them, they seem glad to hear from me. I know they love me and would be here for me if I needed them, but it gets frustrating and my feelings get hurt.

 

[Waiting2goback]

I'm glad my previous post helped a couple people. But, I can also understand what others are saying about dropping the friendship. But, it all goes back to what I said. If you ask yourself if this person would be there in an emergency and the answer is NO, then they aren't a friend and you need to let them go. I believe this goes for people you see regularly.

I got frustrated at times when my friends weren't contacting me. I used to get frustrated when I always had to go to their house or be the one who made all the contact. That was part of me taking things personally, and part my soon to be ex-wife feeding me a lot of her negativity about my friends. This was before I knew she wanted the divorce. After she told me she wanted the divorce and I told friend #2 we talked a lot. I have to live with the wife for a while, for financial reasons. We still get along pretty well so it isn't painful. But, he told me he loved me like a brother and if I ever needed to get out I could like with him and his family as long as it took to get on me feet. (I have been a stay-at-home dad for 5 years. I haven't been able to find a job at all). All that is much more important than how often he contacted me or if I had to go to his house when we got together. I never had a problem with that, it was always the wife complaining about it. After we left his house he had the clean-up to do, where as I went home to my house that didn't just have 8 kids tear it apart. I would help him, obviously, but that is still some serious disruption in your house.

My point is, it is all about perspective and checking your ego at the door in any relationship. No relationship is easy. But some are worth the work and some aren't. Only you know if that person is a good enough person to make it worth it to you.

 

[carrie1626]

So I could be "that friend" right now and I'm not going to give a defense but just my side.

I try my best to remember to text people or send an email but life is rushing past me so fast right now I'm doing good to just drive in the slow lane. Everyone wants some attention which is a great problem to have but there's only so much spare time I have right now. I suck at juggling friends and family.

Right now I work at least 50 hours a week and my husband is deployed and everyone wants to talk about their stuff and their lives and then throw me the "oh hope you are okay but you are used to this"

Now I have friends I have had for 30 years and seriously I can fall off the grid with no text or emails and we pick up like nothing happened. I know they would walk through hell barefoot for me and I would do the same for thing whether I talked to them 5 minutes ago or 5 months ago. That's the kind of friendship we have.

When I had more time to reach out, I still let people be because people are just so busy lately. I would reach out here and there and offer a coffee meeting or ice cream and just few minutes breather out of the real life going on.

I know what it is like to be on both sides of the coin and really I think it is if you want that person in your life at all anymore. I'd rather have people I love in my life a little bit than not at all.

I'm right there with you
I work FT+ and take overtime anytime it comes up. I work 9 hrs 4 days a week and 1/2 day on FRI. When my workday ends, I'm either getting on the treadmill or starting dinner or doing normal chores around the house. FRI afternoons are spent with my parents taking them out to lunch, getting ice cream. It's my time for them! SAT's are for errands. That means anything from grocery shopping, to the bank, to the hardware store. This year it's been snow related chores more times than I can remember. IF my daughter if off work we like to shop or go to a movie once in awhile. SUN, I want to sleep in, drink coffee, read the Sunday paper, plan my meals, COOK DINNER.
AND then I have friend who wants to call me everyday to "chat". She does not work outside the home. She has no children. She has only her husband living in her home. I don't have time. She wants to make plans ( more like dates ). All because she hates her adult stepsons and if they come over she wants to leave. I'm about ready to scream!!!!

We're just at different places in our life right now. It doesn't mean I want to drop our friendship. It means I have limited free time. I'm happy spending one afternoon a month with her. She wants every week. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

 

[starrzone]

Speaking from the other side....
I have very few friends. I suffer from depression (at times, pretty bad) and can't seem to motivate myself to go places, attend parties, etc, because of that. As I've grown older, I"m somewhat of a loner, but I was NOT always like this. It takes energy to cultivate and keep friendships, and I don't have much to spare.

njmom... THANK YOU for this. It's exactly how I feel and I'm so glad I'm not alone I've been called antisocial, but I prefer to call it "selective"; I and I alone choose when and if I socialize!

 

[quigs3]

I have a friend like this. I always have to initiate contact, and every time I do, she says "Well, I thought you didn't like me anymore since I never hear from you"! She says it EVERY TIME! Then we meet up for drinks, have a great time catching up, and I swear to myself that next time, I'm going to wait until she contacts me. Unfortunately that never happens. Inevitably, I finally reach out to her, only to receive her standard comment that she hasn't heard from me in soooo long. I swear, the last time it was all I could do not to tell her to just kiss off! Last spring, I almost lost my daughter to a life-threatening condition that we didn't even know she had. When I let this friend know about it, she sent me a text telling me how sorry she was. I wasn't even worthy of a phone call. I didn't hear another word from her until she called me out of the blue last month to ask for a job recommendation. She didn't even bother to ask how my daughter was doing, but she managed to sneak in a comment about not hearing from me. We made plans to get together, but I cancelled at the last minute. I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing her. I thought that we were such good friends, but maybe it was a misperception on my part.

 

[lisaviolet]

I have a few friends that just don't have it in them. But I love them. And they are fun. Everyone is different in this area. I guess I'm becoming too old to get sad/bothered in these areas. Time has taken most of us through very intimate times and that bonds us in itself.

Wow, that was emotional. I need to get off the disboards.

 

[UrsulaGirl]

I have a friend like this. I always have to initiate contact, and every time I do, she says "Well, I thought you didn't like me anymore since I never hear from you"! She says it EVERY TIME! Then we meet up for drinks, have a great time catching up, and I swear to myself that next time, I'm going to wait until she contacts me. Unfortunately that never happens. Inevitably, I finally reach out to her, only to receive her standard comment that she hasn't heard from me in soooo long. I swear, the last time it was all I could do not to tell her to just kiss off! Last spring, I almost lost my daughter to a life-threatening condition that we didn't even know she had. When I let this friend know about it, she sent me a text telling me how sorry she was. I wasn't even worthy of a phone call. I didn't hear another word from her until she called me out of the blue last month to ask for a job recommendation. She didn't even bother to ask how my daughter was doing, but she managed to sneak in a comment about not hearing from me. We made plans to get together, but I cancelled at the last minute. I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing her. I thought that we were such good friends, but maybe it was a misperception on my part.

Hope your daughter is doing well!

 

[quigs3]

Thank you, UrsulaGirl! She has good days and bad days, but she has a wonderful doctor, and she has an incredible attitude.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have one friend who I tend to have to be the one calling and when I do call she'll say "I thought you left town. You haven't called me". I respond "funny I thought the same about you because you haven't called me either!!!"

But beyond her feeling that it's everyone else's job to call her she's a great person that I know I can depend I in a pinch so I live with that little foible of hers.