"Friends" who don't reciprocate?

[HeatherC]

Wondering what the general "DIS" consensus is on this?

I have a friend who I would normally consider pretty much my closest friend.
She is a great person and a lot of fun to be around. Our families get along good and have fun whenever we have been together.

Lately, I have been feeling very hurt by her not bothering to keep in touch...at all and wonder if I should just let the friendship lapse?

Over the years I have invited them to more dinners and parties than I can count. We have vacationed together several times. I have made her dinners when she was sick, flowers when she finished going back to school, birthday and Christmas presents, etc. In addition, no matter how busy life gets, I have always tried to drop a quick email or text or phone call just to see how she is. In being friends for many years, we have been invited to her house exactly once for dinner. And that really isn't a problem, since I know some people just don't like to entertain. And I really don't like to keep score with friends, but I am feeling rather hurt now.

Well...The last time I saw her was this past October when they were invited to our house for dinner. Holidays came and went, life stayed busy, but I did call and drop off a birthday present in Dec.. I got a two line text saying thanks and we will have to make plans to get together.

So...long story short, time goes by. I have texted a couple times, sent an email or two via Facebook....just saying...hope you are great, call when you get a minute so we can get together. No response for several months.

Well last week DH runs into her in CVs and she apologizes to him and says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, etc.. He said she was very embarrassed. Even though I am hurt, Dh tells me to just drop her a message. So I do...saying hope you are great, etc.. She IMMEDIATELY messages me back that she is so glad I got in touch, she feels bad and felt funny that so much time went by and suggests getting together this weekend. I say great.....what works for you and We will meet up for lunch or dinner.

Well...she never bothered to respond...again. This was last Tuesday.

So am I crazy to be hurt? At this point, I am kinda done. I figure I am obviously not as important to her as she is to me. What would you do? Do you have friends who never keep in touch or reciprocate?

How many times do you let it slide?

Just curious on what others think?

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[jdb in AZ]

You've given her so many opportunities. I would move on. We have friends we used to party with regularly but they moved away, and as their kids have married they get more and more grand kids, there's just so many demands on their time. We still hear from them occasionally on Facebook, but we do stuff with other friends.

 

[lauradis]

Wondering what the general "DIS" consensus is on this?

I have a friend who I would normally consider pretty much my closest friend.
She is a great person and a lot of fun to be around. Our families get along good and have fun whenever we have been together.

Lately, I have been feeling very hurt by her not bothering to keep in touch...at all and wonder if I should just let the friendship lapse?

Over the years I have invited them to more dinners and parties than I can count. We have vacationed together several times. I have made her dinners when she was sick, flowers when she finished going back to school, birthday and Christmas presents, etc. In addition, no matter how busy life gets, I have always tried to drop a quick email or text or phone call just to see how she is. In being friends for many years, we have been invited to her house exactly once for dinner. And that really isn't a problem, since I know some people just don't like to entertain. And I really don't like to keep score with friends, but I am feeling rather hurt now.

Well...The last time I saw her was this past October when they were invited to our house for dinner. Holidays came and went, life stayed busy, but I did call and drop off a birthday present in Dec.. I got a two line text saying thanks and we will have to make plans to get together.

So...long story short, time goes by. I have texted a couple times, sent an email or two via Facebook....just saying...hope you are great, call when you get a minute so we can get together. No response for several months.

Well last week DH runs into her in CVs and she apologizes to him and says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, etc.. He said she was very embarrassed. Even though I am hurt, Dh tells me to just drop her a message. So I do...saying hope you are great, etc.. She IMMEDIATELY messages me back that she is so glad I got in touch, she feels bad and felt funny that so much time went by and suggests getting together this weekend. I say great.....what works for you and We will meet up for lunch or dinner.

Well...she never bothered to respond...again. This was last Tuesday.

So am I crazy to be hurt? At this point, I am kinda done. I figure I am obviously not as important to her as she is to me. What would you do? Do you have friends who never keep in touch or reciprocate?

How many times do you let it slide?

Just curious on what others think?

Thanks for letting me vent!

Doesn't sound like a friend to me. sounds more like someone i know and like to hang out with when they have the time for me.

Friends shouldn't be chased to be your friend.

Sorry hunny it sounds like it has been over for her for a while, or she just wasn't that into being your friend to begin with.

Your welcome vent away.

 

[#1hoosierfan]

Wondering what the general "DIS" consensus is on this? I have a friend who I would normally consider pretty much my closest friend. She is a great person and a lot of fun to be around. Our families get along good and have fun whenever we have been together. Lately, I have been feeling very hurt by her not bothering to keep in touch...at all and wonder if I should just let the friendship lapse? Over the years I have invited them to more dinners and parties than I can count. We have vacationed together several times. I have made her dinners when she was sick, flowers when she finished going back to school, birthday and Christmas presents, etc. In addition, no matter how busy life gets, I have always tried to drop a quick email or text or phone call just to see how she is. In being friends for many years, we have been invited to her house exactly once for dinner. And that really isn't a problem, since I know some people just don't like to entertain. And I really don't like to keep score with friends, but I am feeling rather hurt now. Well...The last time I saw her was this past October when they were invited to our house for dinner. Holidays came and went, life stayed busy, but I did call and drop off a birthday present in Dec.. I got a two line text saying thanks and we will have to make plans to get together. So...long story short, time goes by. I have texted a couple times, sent an email or two via Facebook....just saying...hope you are great, call when you get a minute so we can get together. No response for several months. Well last week DH runs into her in CVs and she apologizes to him and says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, etc.. He said she was very embarrassed. Even though I am hurt, Dh tells me to just drop her a message. So I do...saying hope you are great, etc.. She IMMEDIATELY messages me back that she is so glad I got in touch, she feels bad and felt funny that so much time went by and suggests getting together this weekend. I say great.....what works for you and We will meet up for lunch or dinner. Well...she never bothered to respond...again. This was last Tuesday. So am I crazy to be hurt? At this point, I am kinda done. I figure I am obviously not as important to her as she is to me. What would you do? Do you have friends who never keep in touch or reciprocate? How many times do you let it slide? Just curious on what others think? Thanks for letting me vent!

I would be hurt too, but I would let it go. She obviously does not either care or have the time to devote to your friendship right now.

 

[ronandannette]

Wondering what the general "DIS" consensus is on this?

I have a friend who I would normally consider pretty much my closest friend.
She is a great person and a lot of fun to be around. Our families get along good and have fun whenever we have been together.

Lately, I have been feeling very hurt by her not bothering to keep in touch...at all and wonder if I should just let the friendship lapse?

Over the years I have invited them to more dinners and parties than I can count. We have vacationed together several times. I have made her dinners when she was sick, flowers when she finished going back to school, birthday and Christmas presents, etc. In addition, no matter how busy life gets, I have always tried to drop a quick email or text or phone call just to see how she is. In being friends for many years, we have been invited to her house exactly once for dinner. And that really isn't a problem, since I know some people just don't like to entertain. And I really don't like to keep score with friends, but I am feeling rather hurt now.

Well...The last time I saw her was this past October when they were invited to our house for dinner. Holidays came and went, life stayed busy, but I did call and drop off a birthday present in Dec.. I got a two line text saying thanks and we will have to make plans to get together.

So...long story short, time goes by. I have texted a couple times, sent an email or two via Facebook....just saying...hope you are great, call when you get a minute so we can get together. No response for several months.

Well last week DH runs into her in CVs and she apologizes to him and says she feels terrible she hasn't kept in touch, etc.. He said she was very embarrassed. Even though I am hurt, Dh tells me to just drop her a message. So I do...saying hope you are great, etc.. She IMMEDIATELY messages me back that she is so glad I got in touch, she feels bad and felt funny that so much time went by and suggests getting together this weekend. I say great.....what works for you and We will meet up for lunch or dinner.

Well...she never bothered to respond...again. This was last Tuesday.

So am I crazy to be hurt? At this point, I am kinda done. I figure I am obviously not as important to her as she is to me. What would you do? Do you have friends who never keep in touch or reciprocate?

How many times do you let it slide?

Just curious on what others think?

Thanks for letting me vent!

I think it totally depends on how much you will miss not having her in your life. I've had many relationships that fell into a pattern of me (and my DH & family) being the catalyst for most of the interactions. Personally, I'm OK with that. It's also my nature to think of the the little thoughtful things like small gifts for milestones - like you have mentioned doing yourself. Be aware that this DOES NOT come naturally to everyone. It's also pretty common to hear the sentiment your friend expressed: "I've let this go so long I'm now too embarrassed to make contact". A lot of friendships go by the wayside for this reason. You've noticed that since you "reconnected" she has immediately fallen back into the old pattern. This is a clear message that overall, nothing will change. So I reiterate - it's up to you as to whether or not you want to cut things off.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would be hurt too, but I would let it go. She obviously does not either care or have the time to devote to your friendship right now.

Yep.

When you do run into her, be cordial, kind, and mean it. Life is too short for drama. Just keep swimming.

 

[HeatherC]

You guys are awesome! Thanks for the quick responses! Every one of your answers is exactly what I have been thinking!

She is a great person...but friends shouldn't have to chase friends. It does need to be a two way street. Obviously, sometimes it may be more one sided depending on whether a friend needs to lean on another at different times. I totally get that!

I guess I will let things play out and probably fizzle unfortunately. Really don't expect things to suddenly change. Just makes me very sad. It is hard to meet friends that you really click with ...especially as you get older and its harder to make good friends since we are all so busy raising families,work,etc.

Thanks for listening!

 

[OceanAnnie]

You guys are awesome! Thanks for the quick responses! Every one of your answers is exactly what I have been thinking!

She is a great person...but friends shouldn't have to chase friends. It does need to be a two way street. Obviously, sometimes it may be more one sided depending on whether a friend needs to lean on another at different times. I totally get that!

I guess I will let things play out and probably fizzle unfortunately. Really don't expect things to suddenly change. Just makes me very sad. It is hard to meet friends that you really click with ...especially as you get older and its harder to make good friends since we are all so busy raising families,work,etc.

Thanks for listening!

It happens to the best of us. Sorry you're going through it now. Do something nice for yourself.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

I agree with everyone else too. Friends shouldn't be hounded to spend time with you. True friends want to get together and don't put you off repeatedly. Granted there are differing personalities which can make things difficult. My very best friend and I love getting together and the moment one of us suggest an outing or something, we're both there!

I have other friends where I've maintained a friendship almost like I felt I HAD to, not really wanted to. I don't like to hurt people's feelings so it's hard for me to say no anyway. But when I really analyze the friendships I have, there's just a handful that are meaningful where both parties put in the effort.

It really does sound like you've gone above and beyond but this friend just isn't reciprocating. My advice would be to just let it naturally phase itself out.

 

[ronandannette]

You guys are awesome! Thanks for the quick responses! Every one of your answers is exactly what I have been thinking!

She is a great person...but friends shouldn't have to chase friends. It does need to be a two way street. Obviously, sometimes it may be more one sided depending on whether a friend needs to lean on another at different times. I totally get that!

I guess I will let things play out and probably fizzle unfortunately. Really don't expect things to suddenly change. Just makes me very sad. It is hard to meet friends that you really click with ...especially as you get older and its harder to make good friends since we are all so busy raising families,work,etc.

Thanks for listening!

...which is why you need to think twice about what you really want. It's very, very likely that your relationship will end if you don't keep it going, and that's a perfectly OK decision for you to make. But it's also OK for you to decide that it means enough to you to compensate for her lack of initiative. It doesn't mean you're a doormat or that you're "chasing" anyone; people have different personality styles and many are obtuse to the things that you see very clearly. Good luck either way.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I Have friends that I often don't see for a year or more. We're all busy, nobody takes it personally. I still consider them friends. Some people are go-to friends you see frequently, others less frequent. Sounds like this person is still a friend, just no longer one you'll see frequently.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have not carefully read and considered any other posts and/or advice here. I just want to post my thoughts, based on your original post and how I am seeing this.

I don't think that I would place this in either of the 'what a lame friend'... or 'she just doesn't want to be friends'.. catagory.

I am kind of wondering if this might fall into, yes she has appreciated your friendship, but maybe has some issues???? I think some people just have issues, or have circumstances in their lives, where they are really just unable to have the kind of friendship that have described.

I do think that I would let-it-go with any expectations of this type of friendship. While it might be hard to just keep in touch, and keep leaving the ball in her court... If this happens, and she does just completely fail to respond... then that will be the way it is. One can't be upset, or disappointed, etc.. if one has realistic expectations. I would try to get out of that cycle all together.

I would try to not take this personally....
I really do think that, as in most cases, it takes two to tango...
She is making her own choices.
And it is probably more her than you.

Sorry you feel like you are losing a good friend!

 

[Disworldluv]

Your friendship with this woman has been one sided, all you and not her. Your friends actions speak louder than her words. Be nice if you should meet her, but the ball is in her hands. Let it go and move on.

 

[Hannathy]

Are you 100% you know what is going on in her life?
Maybe she is just overwhelmed with stuff right now that you may not even know about. Lots of people don't broadcast when their lives are going thru rough times. Maybe she is taking care of ill parents or in laws, maybe her kids are having troubles, is she working, maybe her job is in jeopardy and it's all she can do to keep it and take care of her family. Maybe her house is a mess and she isn't comfortable having you over.

If you like her and want to stay friends then give her space and time,

Also I will add and this is from personal experience if you have slipped up and left a friendship lapse and know you should have answered them but you were busy and then the next thing you know its months then you feel even worse and more embarrassed and it is 100 times harder to reach out and much easier just to say I'll do that later, I feel so bad about it.

 

[HeatherC]

Thanks again! Once again, I can agree with what everyone has said.

I know she has been crazy busy. I get that...really. but truly, just send a quick two line text or something. I know our life is crazy busy too and we can't get together every weekend either.

I also truly try not to take it personal. I really don't think she means anything by it. Like I said, she is a great person. I do think she does have some....not really issues, but for lack of a better word that probably is what it is in maintaining a friendship.

Just feeling hurt I guess because we WERE VERY close and it would be nice to have someone just call or text to see how YOU'RE doing once in a while, or to be the one getting invited instead of ALWAYS doing the inviting.

But...life is too short to hold it against her. Just feeling a bit down about it.

 

[njmom47]

Speaking from the other side....
I have very few friends. I suffer from depression (at times, pretty bad) and can't seem to motivate myself to go places, attend parties, etc, because of that. As I've grown older, I"m somewhat of a loner, but I was NOT always like this. It takes energy to cultivate and keep friendships, and I don't have much to spare.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I don't think this is a case of she doesn't want to be your friend. I think its a case of you're just two very different people. Sounds like your friend is a recluse. (So am I). As a recluse I can tell you that I love my friends. I really do. It's just hard to get me out of my hole. A recluse loves alone time too.

Like in my mind NOTHING sounds better than chilling at home (well except going to disney!). Going out for the day takes work and even inviting someone over would require some straightening up or I would feel embarrassed.

I know the friends I have are very similar. We might hang out a couple times a year. When were together we have a great time. We pick up where we left off. We laugh and say "we should do this more often" but we know we won't . We just are the way we are. However I know if I ever needed these friends they would be there at the drop of a hat. I know they accept me as I am. We accept each other.

Your friend just might be in a different place than you. Maybe she can't deliver the Laverne and Shirley friendship you need from her. If you still care about her and you know she cares about you(the best she knows how), then maybe just talk to her.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don't think this is a case of she doesn't want to be your friend. I think its a case of you're just two very different people. Sounds like your friend is a recluse. (So am I). As a recluse I can tell you that I love my friends. I really do. It's just hard to get me out of my hole. A recluse loves alone time too. Like in my mind NOTHING sounds better than chilling at home (well except going to disney!). Going out for the day takes work and even inviting someone over would require some straightening up or I would feel embarrassed. I know the friends I have are very similar. We might hang out a couple times a year. When were together we have a great time. We pick up where we left off. We laugh and say "we should do this more often" but we know we won't . We just are the way we are. However I know if I ever needed these friends they would be there at the drop of a hat. I know they accept me as I am. We accept each other. Your friend just might be in a different place than you. Maybe she can't deliver the Laverne and Shirley friendship you need from her. If you still care about her and you know she cares about you(the best she knows how), then maybe just talk to her.

I agree with and relate to a lot of this. If I have been alone a lot then I am totally up for going out with friends. If I have had a busy week I just really want my kids to go to bed so I can curl up on the couch with DH and a few shows on the DVR. And busy for me would mean busy with people. If I have a social event that I need to attend on a weekend night, I will do everything I can to not have something really social to do the rest of the weekend. The holiday season can be tough. OP--maybe your friend is like this? It really isn't personal.

 

[shortbun]

Don't worry about it. She's your friend and something in her life is tying her up. She has told you how bad she feels and your husband too. Honor your friendship by continuing to stay in touch from your end. You just have to be unconditional in your friendships sometimes.

 

[lolainkent]

What about dropping her one last message, be it text, e-mail or FB (or phone call, even) just to say: "Look, I know you're super busy. I don't want you to feel as though I'm pressuring you to hang out with me but I'm starting to wonder if this is case. My plan is to back off and feel free to let me know when you have some free time."

Leave it open ended. Maybe it's the kick in the butt she needs, realising that you won't keep texting/whatever. Maybe she has something horrible happening in her life and it she'll know you're there for her when she's ready to talk about it or have moved on. Maybe she just needs permission to not be your friend anymore.