Friend's bachelorette party

[superme80]

I personally would just do dinner and the winery one night and skip the hotel. I have been a bridesmaid in several weddings and never had to shell out that much money. I just had a bridal shower for a friend at a very nice local Mexican restaurant. It ran me a little over $100 for 10 people. I know not drinking probably cut my bill in half, but $300 is a lot of money.

 

[gotomu212]

Maybe it is the area you live in or the different ways some people much socialize lately? There's a local wine bar I go to with my best friend on a regular basis - between a bottle of wine, shared appetizer, a main course, dessert, and tip I don't get out of there for less than $120/person. Throw in transportation, a nights stay in a hotel, and sharing the cost of a friend for a very special occasion I guess $300 seems reasonable. I know a day at the golf course with friends runs my husband around $150 (cart costs, greens fees, and drinks).

While I wouldn't make these an every week occurrence I figure if you're in someone's wedding you are one of their closest and dearest friends and spending a little more than a normal day out would be appropriate for this event.

This isn't the same as the week long trips to Mexico or the Caribbean that cost a thousand to me.

 

[Vernie822]

I think there's a difference between not being able to afford something outrageously priced/not being able to go because of work, and not paying for something or not attending because you'd rather spend the money elsewhere. I think your intentions are good and it's obvious you are going to try and attend what you can.

Believe me, I've probably spent thousands of dollars in the last few years on bachelorette parties, showers, dresses, all of that. But now that it's my wedding time, it's really nice to have friends put the thought and effort into my making my wedding/engagement time magical and special, just like I think I hopefully did for them. When I signed up to be a bridesmaid, I knew there were costs involved. When I told my girls about a bachelorette party idea, I gave them 9 months to save and made it absolutely affordable (weekend to Nashville @ less than $400 pp). Two of my very best friends bowed out because of money/time commitment - and I get that - because they just couldn't swing it with new jobs/other obligations. Does it suck to not have two of my best friends there, yeah of course it does. But we did our own thing a few weeks ago and it was a ton of fun. Just because you can't make the big event, doesn't mean you didn't try or that you don't care!!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Believe me, I've probably spent thousands of dollars in the last few years on bachelorette parties, showers, dresses, all of that. But now that it's my wedding time, it's really nice to have friends put the thought and effort into my making my wedding/engagement time magical and special, just like I think I hopefully did for them. When I signed up to be a bridesmaid, I knew there were costs involved. When I told my girls about a bachelorette party idea, I gave them 9 months to save and made it absolutely affordable (weekend to Nashville @ less than $400 pp). Two of my very best friends bowed out because of money/time commitment

This is what I am trying to say. Brides now have a "Wedding and Engagement Time". I know I am officially getting old, because I just don't get this. You are getting married. The magical and special thing about it is you have chosen to commit to a person for the rest of your life. You are going to build a family with him (with or without children) and you are going to grow as a couple for the next 50+ years.

Why do you need people to throw in $400 to take you away for the weekend? Why are brides having honeymoons before their real honeymoon?

I will be honest and say $400 is not a lot of money for me. I have been working for years, my finances are in order, and my husband and I can easily spend that in one night. But I am not a twentysomething just starting my life. $400 is a ton of money in your 20's/early 30's. And the fact that your girls have to save for 9 months to reach that amount shows that it could be used on many other things. If your best friends are bowing out, you may want to re-evaluate what is going on here.

I do think we have a problem with young people and credit card debt in this country. It stems from this over indulgence. Dinner and drinks are no longer satisfying as far as celebrations go. And forget about putting on a nice cocktail party at home to celebrate an occasion. Everything has to be magical and special. What people don't realize is the life changing event (marriage, baby, graduation, birthday) is already magical and special. Just take it for what it is and appreciate it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

IMO, you shouldn't say yes if you don't want to sacrifice or can't afford both. I see nothing wrong with saying you cannot afford to stand up in a wedding, it is expensive to do it. I'd assume before you say yes you have some reasonable idea of what will be planned for these things...I was never surprised in all 5 of the weddings I stood up in as I knew the girls well and what we'd likely do. 3 were overnights downtown and two were local getaways similar to what the op is describing.... only not on a weekday. If you go to a nice restaurant and to a couple of bars its going to run 200-250 a person even without a hotel around here, when you throw in cabs/parking etc. I can't even go to a TGI fridays for dinner and drinks for under $50 a person if we all have a couple of drinks and split appetizers and while i find nothing wrong with a Fridays, I don't consider it even remotely upscale. Beers in a downtown bar are 8 and mixed drinks are 15-18. It adds up quick. So I guess where you live can play a big part in what someone considers reasonable for a night out. I also think if this ends up being the plan, the bride likely has some interest in it, otherwise why wouldn't she say something, but I guess nothing totally surprises me here anymore. Before the Dis, the problems discussed in many threads never crossed my mind. I must be lucky to live in some kind of utopian bubble with friendly neighbors, good schools and friends and family that are somewhat normal.

You can't seriously believe OP had any idea this weekday overnighter was part of the bargain when she agreed to be in the wedding. When I got married, the wedding party was set MONTHS before any bachelor/bachelorette plans were ever discussed. And I guarantee not one person in our party ever considered the notion that by saying "yes" they might have to take 2 days off work for such an event. It's certainly never occurred to me and I've been in about a dozen weddings.

 

[cabanafrau]

You can't seriously believe OP had any idea this weekday overnighter was part of the bargain when she agreed to be in the wedding. When I got married, the wedding party was set MONTHS before any bachelor/bachelorette plans were ever discussed. And I guarantee not one person in our party ever considered the notion that by saying "yes" they might have to take 2 days off work for such an event. It's certainly never occurred to me and I've been in about a dozen weddings.

I just don't understand the notion that agreeing to be part of the bridal party is basically the handing over of a blank check of time and money -- not only to the bride and groom in OP's case, but to a MOH with an agenda as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I have a friend who is getting married in August and I am one of her bridesmaids. Her maid of honor is planning her bachelorette party for July. The plans have changed 5 times, no exaggeration. This girl has been back and forth with the planning and the pricing. The final plan (as of now, at least) is going to run around $300 a girl to stay in a hotel room for one night and go to some wineries. That's a bit excessive for me, considering what we are getting for the price. Also, it's going to be a Monday into a Tuesday and I work in the summer teaching summer school. Originally, I told the MOH I would go when the price was cheaper and we were doing something else. I would rather save this money to put towards a trip my sister and I are planning for October. I know the bride would not be upset or offended if I was not there, because she understands work commitments and financial obligations.

Would I be a terrible person for not attending her bachelorette? I just really don't even want to go and waste that money, plus I don't feel right taking two days off from work in a row for a bachelorette party. Ugh, I don't know what to do!

EDIT: I should also add that this what the maid of honor wants to do, not the bride. The bride would prefer a night out dancing and drinking but the maid of honor isn't listening to anyone.

It is a party and you are allowed to decline.

And in all honesty, if you are hating what the MOH is doing, you will resent every second & dime you put towards the BP.

It is better to decline and let them have fun. You do not want to be "Debbie Downer" at her BP. You stated the bride will understand. Case closed.

 

[nugov2]

You can't seriously believe OP had any idea this weekday overnighter was part of the bargain when she agreed to be in the wedding. When I got married, the wedding party was set MONTHS before any bachelor/bachelorette plans were ever discussed. And I guarantee not one person in our party ever considered the notion that by saying "yes" they might have to take 2 days off work for such an event. It's certainly never occurred to me and I've been in about a dozen weddings.

Actually I stated I didn't think taking off work was reasonable and my statement was to the idea that IME you usually have a idea of the financial responsibility that comes with agreeing to be in a wedding and in my area 300 for a "special " night out including a hotel is reasonable, but I've stated that where you live could definitely come into play. Maybe the MOH planned it during the week because everyone invited is a teacher with summers off and she didn't realize OP would be working summer school...again midweek is weird and i think everyone agreed that declining to take off work and skipping the overnight was reasonable. I truly don't think declining because you don't like the outting is right...would you pass on the wedding after agreeing to stand up because you don't like the venue? You still have to give a gift for food and a location you don't like. Sometimes you do things for people even if it isn't something your super excited about. If 300 is truly a financial hardship decline, but the op made it clear it isn't and that she'd rather spend it on something else that is all.

I just don't understand the notion that agreeing to be part of the bridal party is basically the handing over of a blank check of time and money -- not only to the bride and groom in OP's case, but to a MOH with an agenda as well.

I don't think one person said that and 300 for a night out is hardly a blank check. Who knows if it is the MOH agenda or not, it is quite possible the bride is happy with this and if she isn't should speak up. I don't know anyone who would do something they were against for their Bachelorette party they didn't want to, so maybe the bride heard the plans and reconsidered. Either way she has agreed to go along with it so I really don't get why if it is more what the MOH wants or the bride wants is even a factor...it is still the brides Bachelorette party and obviously someone important to the op so I think just going for her sake is the right thing. Obviously YMMV and that is fine. The OP asked for opinions and that is what I gave, but nowhere did i say it is a blank check moment for time or money.

 

[Vernie822]

This is what I am trying to say. Brides now have a "Wedding and Engagement Time". I know I am officially getting old, because I just don't get this. You are getting married. The magical and special thing about it is you have chosen to commit to a person for the rest of your life. You are going to build a family with him (with or without children) and you are going to grow as a couple for the next 50+ years.

Why do you need people to throw in $400 to take you away for the weekend? Why are brides having honeymoons before their real honeymoon?

I will be honest and say $400 is not a lot of money for me. I have been working for years, my finances are in order, and my husband and I can easily spend that in one night. But I am not a twentysomething just starting my life. $400 is a ton of money in your 20's/early 30's. And the fact that your girls have to save for 9 months to reach that amount shows that it could be used on many other things. If your best friends are bowing out, you may want to re-evaluate what is going on here.

I do think we have a problem with young people and credit card debt in this country. It stems from this over indulgence. Dinner and drinks are no longer satisfying as far as celebrations go. And forget about putting on a nice cocktail party at home to celebrate an occasion. Everything has to be magical and special. What people don't realize is the life changing event (marriage, baby, graduation, birthday) is already magical and special. Just take it for what it is and appreciate it.

Everything about this time is magical and special for me. The planning, the fun, the getting together, the celebrating - we are celebrating our love for each other and our marriage. Of course our wedding day will be a magical and special day that I'll cherish. And yes, the engagement time with the bridal shower, bachelorette party, dress shopping - that's part of the fun.

I gave every bridesmaid the option to decline if they didn't wish to attend. We discussed the cost and the length of the trip far in advance. Like I said, a few bridesmaids can't make it and I was totally OK with that. I'm sorry you don't agree with my celebration, but I'm happy to attend my friends' celebrations as well. I don't wish that people fawn over me 24/7 - in fact I'm the exact opposite. My life has NEVER been "me, me, me." As the oldest of 5 kids I have understood that from a very young age.

Does our country have a problem with CC debt and young people? Certainly. But you better believe I worked my buns off to get a good job. I have minimal student loans and frankly my credit card debt is in the hundreds because I spend my money wisely and save in many ways so that I can afford to do things I want to do. My fiance and I are funding 90% of our wedding. Please don't put me into that cluster, that's an unfair assumption.

 

[leebee]

This is what I am trying to say. Brides now have a "Wedding and Engagement Time". I know I am officially getting old, because I just don't get this. You are getting married. The magical and special thing about it is you have chosen to commit to a person for the rest of your life. You are going to build a family with him (with or without children) and you are going to grow as a couple for the next 50+ years.

Why do you need people to throw in $400 to take you away for the weekend? Why are brides having honeymoons before their real honeymoon?

I will be honest and say $400 is not a lot of money for me. I have been working for years, my finances are in order, and my husband and I can easily spend that in one night. But I am not a twentysomething just starting my life. $400 is a ton of money in your 20's/early 30's. And the fact that your girls have to save for 9 months to reach that amount shows that it could be used on many other things. If your best friends are bowing out, you may want to re-evaluate what is going on here.

I do think we have a problem with young people and credit card debt in this country. It stems from this over indulgence. Dinner and drinks are no longer satisfying as far as celebrations go. And forget about putting on a nice cocktail party at home to celebrate an occasion. Everything has to be magical and special. What people don't realize is the life changing event (marriage, baby, graduation, birthday) is already magical and special. Just take it for what it is and appreciate it.

I just don't understand the notion that agreeing to be part of the bridal party is basically the handing over of a blank check of time and money -- not only to the bride and groom in OP's case, but to a MOH with an agenda as well.

How many times can I post "LIKE" for these two posts?

I don't understand the me-me-me generation at all. How can you think that $300 or $400 isn't an unreasonable amount if "your girls" have to save up for months to get this amount? $400 is about my week's take-home pay, so for many folks, it IS unreasonable. However, what I really don't understand is putting a price tag on having your friends in your wedding. Do you seriously look at them and say, "It's gonna cost $XYZ dollars to be in my wedding, and if you can't afford to pay up I'll understand and ask someone else?" What kind of friend ARE you??

 

[nugov2]

How many times can I post "LIKE" for these two posts?

I don't understand the me-me-me generation at all. How can you think that $300 or $400 isn't an unreasonable amount if "your girls" have to save up for months to get this amount? $400 is about my week's take-home pay, so for many folks, it IS unreasonable. However, what I really don't understand is putting a price tag on having your friends in your wedding. Do you seriously look at them and say, "It's gonna cost $XYZ dollars to be in my wedding, and if you can't afford to pay up I'll understand and ask someone else?" What kind of friend ARE you??

Relax...she never said that and neither did anyone else. Some may want to save up and go on a vacation even if the cause for celebration is a Bachelorette party. Maybe it was their idea and gave them a reason to plan a fun getaway. Making it out as if she is a me, me, me person is ridiculous. Stop twisting into something it is not. Every single situation is different and every region has a different COL. Just because you disagree doesn't make it wrong and vice versa.

 

[cabanafrau]

Actually I stated I didn't think taking off work was reasonable and my statement was to the idea that IME you usually have a idea of the financial responsibility that comes with agreeing to be in a wedding and in my area 300 for a "special " night out including a hotel is reasonable, but I've stated that where you live could definitely come into play. Maybe the MOH planned it during the week because everyone invited is a teacher with summers off and she didn't realize OP would be working summer school...again midweek is weird and i think everyone agreed that declining to take off work and skipping the overnight was reasonable. I truly don't think declining because you don't like the outting is right...would you pass on the wedding after agreeing to stand up because you don't like the venue? You still have to give a gift for food and a location you don't like. Sometimes you do things for people even if it isn't something your super excited about. If 300 is truly a financial hardship decline, but the op made it clear it isn't and that she'd rather spend it on something else that is all.



I don't think one person said that and 300 for a night out is hardly a blank check. Who knows if it is the MOH agenda or not, it is quite possible the bride is happy with this and if she isn't should speak up. I don't know anyone who would do something they were against for their Bachelorette party they didn't want to, so maybe the bride heard the plans and reconsidered. Either way she has agreed to go along with it so I really don't get why if it is more what the MOH wants or the bride wants is even a factor...it is still the brides Bachelorette party and obviously someone important to the op so I think just going for her sake is the right thing. Obviously YMMV and that is fine. The OP asked for opinions and that is what I gave, but nowhere did i say it is a blank check moment for time or money.

You also said you shouldn't say yes if you can't afford both. How would OP know going in that the MOH would dominate the BP planning? OP knows the bride and stated she felt this party wasn't the bride's preferences, but the MOH's. Should the bride speak up? Yeah, probably. Any possibility the bride is having second thoughts about how to do that without ruffling feathers? It may be that the extra time off is a real crunch for the bride herself. Should she speak up? Yeah, probably. She's also probably juggling a lot of extra things, is emotional and stressed. She may be feeling a burden not to be seen as ungrateful or a bridezilla. Different people have different pieces of the puzzle here.

Does it have to be assumed that BPs are destination events today? Maybe that's not what OP went in assuming. In your world she should have, so she shouldn't have agreed to be in the bridal party.

It's not necessarily all cut and dried and a simple matter of $300 being no big deal as you assume IMO.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Actually I stated I didn't think taking off work was reasonable and my statement was to the idea that IME you usually have a idea of the financial responsibility that comes with agreeing to be in a wedding and in my area 300 for a "special " night out including a hotel is reasonable, but I've stated that where you live could definitely come into play. Maybe the MOH planned it during the week because everyone invited is a teacher with summers off and she didn't realize OP would be working summer school...again midweek is weird and i think everyone agreed that declining to take off work and skipping the overnight was reasonable. I truly don't think declining because you don't like the outting is right...would you pass on the wedding after agreeing to stand up because you don't like the venue? You still have to give a gift for food and a location you don't like. Sometimes you do things for people even if it isn't something your super excited about. If 300 is truly a financial hardship decline, but the op made it clear it isn't and that she'd rather spend it on something else that is all.



I don't think one person said that and 300 for a night out is hardly a blank check. Who knows if it is the MOH agenda or not, it is quite possible the bride is happy with this and if she isn't should speak up. I don't know anyone who would do something they were against for their Bachelorette party they didn't want to, so maybe the bride heard the plans and reconsidered. Either way she has agreed to go along with it so I really don't get why if it is more what the MOH wants or the bride wants is even a factor...it is still the brides Bachelorette party and obviously someone important to the op so I think just going for her sake is the right thing. Obviously YMMV and that is fine. The OP asked for opinions and that is what I gave, but nowhere did i say it is a blank check moment for time or money.

Gotcha. Around here, $300 PP including hotel for a weekend wouldn't be bad at all. For a night out with limo or Van, maybe a bit high. Dinner & drinks with nothing else for one night that would be a BUNCH. And I would think most would assume the bachelorette party would consist of a night out, dinner, drinks, and dancing (with or without a chauffeur). At least, that seems to be the "norm" here.

 

[nugov2]

You also said you shouldn't say yes if you can't afford both. How would OP know going in that the MOH would dominate the BP planning? OP knows the bride and stated she felt this party wasn't the bride's preferences, but the MOH's. Should the bride speak up? Yeah, probably. Any possibility the bride is having second thoughts about how to do that without ruffling feathers? It may be that the extra time off is a real crunch for the bride herself. Should she speak up? Yeah, probably. She's also probably juggling a lot of extra things, is emotional and stressed. She may be feeling a burden not to be seen as ungrateful or a bridezilla. Different people have different pieces of the puzzle here.

Does it have to be assumed that BPs are destination events today? Maybe that's not what OP went in assuming. In your world she should have, so she shouldn't have agreed to be in the bridal party.

It's not necessarily all cut and dried and a simple matter of $300 being no big deal as you assume IMO.

So if she picked something else that was the brides preference and it was still 250-300 then what? You assume 300 is a lot when for many it is nothing. My point was in my circle it was a given a dress and shoes were going to be a few hundred and the bachelorette party the same. Around here it is not tradition to pay any portion of a shower though so a typical wedding including gift will run about 800-1,000. Im sure every person has a reasonable idea of what being in a wedding will cost in their region and the type of event common in your social circle. We all vacationed together in college, we all shopped and hung out together post college. I know and so did my friends what our typical nights out were like and a Bachelorette party was a higher end extention of that. I'm sure what is common here is extravagant for some and not extravagant enough for others, but I have attended tons of bachelorette parties over the years and not a single one was a cost that anyone thought unreasonable and all were very different. Some were things I had zero interest in, but I still attended because I cared for the guest of honor. My point was that I truly feel someone knows what is a common cost for a nice night out in their region and what is considered typical in their social circle so you typically have a good idea of cost before agreeing to be in a wedding . I doubt someone who hangs in a circle of friends who all make minimum wage and would think a extravagant night out is red lobster expext to wear couture for a brides maid dress and a high end steak house and night in a 5 star hotel suite for a Bachelorette party and someone who is an upper east side socialite would expect off the rack from davids and red lobster. My point is we know what we as friends are used to spending for nights out when you are close friends. Again, the OP didn't say it was out of her price range or that it was unreasonably expensive for a typical party. She asked for opinions and so I gave mine.

 

[LynnTH]

This is what I am trying to say. Brides now have a "Wedding and Engagement Time". I know I am officially getting old, because I just don't get this. You are getting married. The magical and special thing about it is you have chosen to commit to a person for the rest of your life. You are going to build a family with him (with or without children) and you are going to grow as a couple for the next 50+ years.

Why do you need people to throw in $400 to take you away for the weekend? Why are brides having honeymoons before their real honeymoon?

I will be honest and say $400 is not a lot of money for me. I have been working for years, my finances are in order, and my husband and I can easily spend that in one night. But I am not a twentysomething just starting my life. $400 is a ton of money in your 20's/early 30's. And the fact that your girls have to save for 9 months to reach that amount shows that it could be used on many other things. If your best friends are bowing out, you may want to re-evaluate what is going on here.

I do think we have a problem with young people and credit card debt in this country. It stems from this over indulgence. Dinner and drinks are no longer satisfying as far as celebrations go. And forget about putting on a nice cocktail party at home to celebrate an occasion. Everything has to be magical and special. What people don't realize is the life changing event (marriage, baby, graduation, birthday) is already magical and special. Just take it for what it is and appreciate it.

I totally agree with this. I guess I am getting old too. When I got married I picked friends who meant the most to me for my bridesmaids. I did everything to keep the costs down. All they had to buy was the dress and shoes. I didn't expect anyone to get their hair/nails/make-up done at a salon. They all did it themselves. My bachelorette party was a personal shower at my cousins house then we all just went out to a bar dancing. I would never expect any of my friends to have a destination or expensive bachelorette party for me. Weddings are expensive enough without throwing that in. And I have never been to a destination party either - all my friends were the same. We all just went out for the night somewhere. I know times have changed but it just seems like these kind of things are just getting out of hand. And trying to out due each other.

I guess expectations are different now but not for the better I think. My expectations for the Wedding party was to stand by my at my wedding and show up for the rehearsal. If they could make it to any of the showers - great. If not, I totally understood. It was my wedding , not theirs. I didn't expect their life to revolve around my wedding. (that was my mom's job). I didn't expect or want anyone in the wedding party to spend any unnecessary money. But it looks like I am in the minority here on this one.

 

[cabanafrau]

So if she picked something else that was the brides preference and it was still 250-300 then what? You assume 300 is a lot when for many it is nothing. My point was in my circle it was a given a dress and shoes were going to be a few hundred and the bachelorette party the same. Around here it is not tradition to pay any portion of a shower though so a typical wedding including gift will run about 800-1,000. Im sure every person has a reasonable idea of what being in a wedding will cost in their region and the type of event common in your social circle. We all vacationed together in college, we all shopped and hung out together post college. I know and so did my friends what our typical nights out were like and a Bachelorette party was a higher end extention of that. I'm sure what is common here is extravagant for some and not extravagant enough for others, but I have attended tons of bachelorette parties over the years and not a single one was a cost that anyone thought unreasonable and all were very different. Some were things I had zero interest in, but I still attended because I cared for the guest of honor. My point was that I truly feel someone knows what is a common cost for a nice night out in their region and what is considered typical in their social circle so you typically have a good idea of cost before agreeing to be in a wedding . I doubt someone who hangs in a circle of friends who all make minimum wage and would think a extravagant night out is red lobster expext to wear couture for a brides maid dress and a high end steak house and night in a 5 star hotel suite for a Bachelorette party and someone who is an upper east side socialite would expect off the rack from davids and red lobster. My point is we know what we as friends are used to spending for nights out when you are close friends. Again, the OP didn't say it was out of her price range or that it was unreasonably expensive for a typical party. She asked for opinions and so I gave mine.

You're laboring under the illusion that I'm opposed to the $300 price tag on its face. No. I'm rejecting the idea that saying yes to be in a bridal party means you're happily agreeing to go along with a string of obligations of time and money because you should have assumed them going in. To a certain extent that is true, absolutely. But IMO getting a ways down the road and saying, oh, this wasn't how I saw things going with X doesn't make you unfit to be in the bridal party. Obviously you don't go in claiming, well I assumed the dress would be $50 max.

Let's face it, there are wedding celebrations that include a lot of things that individually are well meant, reasonable things on their face, yet cumulatively amount to something like death by inches. You're basing your comments on participating in weddings where you are not only close with the bride, but the bridal parties also are well known to each other. Lot's of perfectly great bridal parties are made up of groups that don't necessarily collectively know each other all that well and in those kinds of situations it's easy for people to look at something and say, this isn't a lot of time, this isn't a lot of money, this is what we did with all of the cousins' weddings or all of our friend group weddings, I don't know why in the heck her college roommate has such an issue with it if she's such a good friend. Maybe the college roommate and the bride herself are also participating in another two weddings within a 14 month period with their own hurdles of time and money to jump through. It happens. Your answer may be, well, don't be in all those weddings then. Kind of hard to just write off participating in that way with one or two friends or cousins and then telling the rest, too expensive, when no one thing or one person is picking extravagant or time prohibitive things.

IMO nothing wrong with OP celebrating the evening with the dinner and begging off for the rest.

 

[nugov2]

You're laboring under the illusion that I'm opposed to the $300 price tag on its face. No. I'm rejecting the idea that saying yes to be in a bridal party means you're happily agreeing to go along with a string of obligations of time and money because you should have assumed them going in. To a certain extent that is true, absolutely. But IMO getting a ways down the road and saying, oh, this wasn't how I saw things going with X doesn't make you unfit to be in the bridal party. Obviously you don't go in claiming, well I assumed the dress would be $50 max.

Let's face it, there are wedding celebrations that include a lot of things that individually are well meant, reasonable things on their face, yet cumulatively amount to something like death by inches. You're basing your comments on participating in weddings where you are not only close with the bride, but the bridal parties also are well known to each other. Lot's of perfectly great bridal parties are made up of groups that don't necessarily collectively know each other all that well and in those kinds of situations it's easy for people to look at something and say, this isn't a lot of time, this isn't a lot of money, this is what we did with all of the cousins' weddings or all of our friend group weddings, I don't know why in the heck her college roommate has such an issue with it if she's such a good friend. Maybe the college roommate and the bride herself are also participating in another two weddings within a 14 month period with their own hurdles of time and money to jump through. It happens. Your answer may be, well, don't be in all those weddings then. Kind of hard to just write off participating in that way with one or two friends or cousins and then telling the rest, too expensive, when no one thing or one person is picking extravagant or time prohibitive things.

IMO nothing wrong with OP celebrating the evening with the dinner and begging off for the rest.

And you are equally laboring under the illusion that I don't think it is perfectly ok to just go to part of the festivities. Your also hung up on the fact thay I said you should decline being in the wedding. That comment was directed at a poster who said they would never give up saving for a holiday to be in a wedding or participate in any event. If that is your stance and participating means you can't do both then you should decline. I don't see what is wrong with that. Sometimes life is give and take and you can't afford to do everything.

 

[asta]

I totally agree with this. I guess I am getting old too. When I got married I picked friends who meant the most to me for my bridesmaids. I did everything to keep the costs down. All they had to buy was the dress and shoes. I didn't expect anyone to get their hair/nails/make-up done at a salon. They all did it themselves. My bachelorette party was a personal shower at my cousins house then we all just went out to a bar dancing. I would never expect any of my friends to have a destination or expensive bachelorette party for me. Weddings are expensive enough without throwing that in. And I have never been to a destination party either - all my friends were the same. We all just went out for the night somewhere. I know times have changed but it just seems like these kind of things are just getting out of hand. And trying to out due each other.

I guess expectations are different now but not for the better I think. My expectations for the Wedding party was to stand by my at my wedding and show up for the rehearsal. If they could make it to any of the showers - great. If not, I totally understood. It was my wedding , not theirs. I didn't expect their life to revolve around my wedding. (that was my mom's job). I didn't expect or want anyone in the wedding party to spend any unnecessary money. But it looks like I am in the minority here on this one.

You are not in the minority. I am old but thinking of my wedding as opposed to all of those I see now, it looks like we had a paupers wedding. I remember a few years back reading about the average cost of a wedding and trying to do the math to even get in the ballpark of what seemed like an outlandish number. With all the weddings we have experienced lately I now understand the small fortunes being spent.

 

[weeniecat2442]

We just had the bachelorette party for my friend that is getting married in a few weeks. The bride asked us not to spend too much and she wanted it all to be a surprise. Her 7 bridesmaids spent the past few months planning it and while we didn't go over the top, it was still an expensive event. We decided to have the party overnight at a casino that is about 1-2 hours away. We got the rooms way discounted and between 14 girls it was a good deal. A few of her cousins decided they wanted to go down Friday nite with the bride. The rest of us decided to stick with just the Saturday due to financial and family reasons (most have little kids at home).
We all had a fantastic time- no drama.
Two days letter a few of us get an email from the bride about how mad and disappointed she was in her party.
She had a whole list of reasons. I was SO blown away by this. How rude and obnoxious can you be? She then quickly followed up saying she hope she didn't offend us and she did have a great night. Needless to say...I will be so happy once the wedding is done and over with.

This is my sixth bridesmaid tour in the past six years. My 3rd time as the MOH. I dont want to even know the money that I've spent all together. Probably more than I'll spend on my own wedding...which will not have any bridesmaids!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We just had the bachelorette party for my friend that is getting married in a few weeks. The bride asked us not to spend too much and she wanted it all to be a surprise. Her 7 bridesmaids spent the past few months planning it and while we didn't go over the top, it was still an expensive event. We decided to have the party overnight at a casino that is about 1-2 hours away. We got the rooms way discounted and between 14 girls it was a good deal. A few of her cousins decided they wanted to go down Friday nite with the bride. The rest of us decided to stick with just the Saturday due to financial and family reasons (most have little kids at home).
We all had a fantastic time- no drama.
Two days letter a few of us get an email from the bride about how mad and disappointed she was in her party.
She had a whole list of reasons. I was SO blown away by this. How rude and obnoxious can you be? She then quickly followed up saying she hope she didn't offend us and she did have a great night. Needless to say...I will be so happy once the wedding is done and over with.

This is my sixth bridesmaid tour in the past six years. My 3rd time as the MOH. I dont want to even know the money that I've spent all together. Probably more than I'll spend on my own wedding...which will not have any bridesmaids!

Yikes!