Friend's bachelorette party

[asta]

First off, bachelorette parties bring out the worst in people (I'm not saying you whatsoever, this is just my experience). At this point no one wants to fork over any more cash, take any more time off, and it usually ends up with someone paying a bulk of the expense because no one else wants to - this is just my experience!

I think this is very true. One of my daughters learned the hard way. The bride wanted two nights in an expensive suite hotel, food and drink for the suite and two nights of meals and bars for the bride. My daughter-huge mistake-agreed to pay on her card and the other bridesmaids agreed to pay her later. None of the other bridesmaid ended up sending her any money. After two follow-up emails asking for the money she gave up. It is not like you can turn them over to a collection agency. And basically the others were friends of the bride and didn't really know my daughter that well so we figure they did not mind stiffing someone they weren't close to. Hard, expensive lesson learned.

 

[nugov2]

I think this is very true. One of my daughters learned the hard way. The bride wanted two nights in an expensive suite hotel, food and drink for the suite and two nights of meals and bars for the bride. My daughter-huge mistake-agreed to pay on her card and the other bridesmaids agreed to pay her later. None of the other bridesmaid ended up sending her any money. After two follow-up emails asking for the money she gave up. It is not like you can turn them over to a collection agency. And basically the others were friends of the bride and didn't really know my daughter that well so we figure they did not mind stiffing someone they weren't close to. Hard, expensive lesson learned.

I would do more than email. She didn't say anything when she saw them in person at the rehearsal and wedding? This bride has some low life friends and as the bride I would be mortified and also try to help her get money. I think your dd should have pushed harder than 2 emails, but still what a horrible thing to happen.

 

[JessM]

I would talk to the MOH again if you know this isn't what the bride would want. The other bridesmaids might be thinking the same thing but someone needs to step up and say it. I might talk to the bride as well if she isn't aware of any of these plans.

I say this because last year I went to a friend of mines Bachelorette party (I wasn't in the wedding). And really wished I had spoken up to the MOH about location, costs and plans because once we got to the party we realized everyone attending the party felt the same way! We paid so much for rooms ($450), wineries, sunset sail ($45), dinner (at the most expensive restaurant in town), that no one wanted to drink anything when we finally went out because we were out of money. I know the bride was disappointed and once she say the menu prices at the restaurant she was upset with the MOH for picking that place.

I think I'm the minority but if you can make it work and go I would go. Even if the bride says she understands she still picked you to be in her bridal party so you must be important to her. It's a time to celebrate her and have fun with her girlfriends. I would go. I know its easy to loose sight of that when dealing with an "all about me" MOH.

 

[cabanafrau]

IMO when you agree to be a bridesmaid you go in knowing you will be spending money on your dress, bridal shower and bachelorette party. If you don't want to do that politely decline. I also believe bridesmaids should attend all events unless there are huge circumstances that you can't get around. For me I get a lot of time off at work so taking off two days wouldn't be a huge deal. I know for others it's not that easy.

With that said, who the heck throws a bachelorette party on a Monday-Tuesday??? That is very unreasonable of the MOH. I don't think $300 is a lot though. I think you guys should tell the MOH that this isn't what the bride wants AND doing it on a weekday is ridiculous.

I'm a bridesmaid for a September wedding. The bride requested Atlantic City (we live 45 minutes away) and her bday weekend in July. Done. Everything else we are planning and it will be a surprise. I am taking off a few days around it because I want to but it's not necessary since it's Friday afternoon check in and Sunday am checkout. A bunch of us girls got a suite and it's $100 per person. One activity is $50. Our portion for the bride is $20 per bridesmaid. After that it's whatever you want to spend on food and drinks when we bar hop or go to clubs. I'm thinking when all is said and done I'll be around $400ish for the weekend.

You may agree to spend money on your dress, bridal shower and bachelorette, however that agreement shouldn't be abused and taken as tacit approval to be allowed no input on spending limits, requirement to expend vacation days and sacrificing other reasonable vacation plans you had expected to have time and budget for in addition to the wedding festivities.

 

[Hikergirl]

You may agree to spend money on your dress, bridal shower and bachelorette, however that agreement shouldn't be abused and taken as tacit approval to be allowed no input on spending limits, requirement to expend vacation days and sacrificing other reasonable vacation plans you had expected to have time and budget for in addition to the wedding festivities.

When I got married and all my friends and family got married, we bridesmaids would actually meet eachother and figure out our budget, and agree on something together.
I guess between Bridezillas and totalitarian MOHs that doesn't happen much anymore LOL.

 

[VandVsmama]

I got engaged when I was still in college and we were all poor college students with little disposable income, so my bachelorette party/bridal shower was a potluck with booze at a park at the beach. We had a great time and it hardly cost a thing. I just don't quite understand the need to have basically 2 expensive vacations when you are getting married.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

You may agree to spend money on your dress, bridal shower and bachelorette, however that agreement shouldn't be abused and taken as tacit approval to be allowed no input on spending limits, requirement to expend vacation days and sacrificing other reasonable vacation plans you had expected to have time and budget for in addition to the wedding festivities.

I agree. I think it's ridiculous to do the party on weekdays.

The op didn't say the $300 was a hardship. She stated she would rather put it towards a trip with her sister.

I understand feeling that you aren't getting the value for your money but I don't think it's anything completely outrageous. Except for having to take two days off during the week!

When I'm not in a wedding and I get invited to a bachelorette I pick and choose when to attend and how much I'll spend. When I'm in the wedding I attend it all if it's within reason. I know a destination wedding I attended, the bride also wanted a destination bachelorette to Miami. Her wedding party told her heck no. That was unreasonable IMO.

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree. I think it's ridiculous to do the party on weekdays.

The op didn't say the $300 was a hardship. She stated she would rather put it towards a trip with her sister.

I understand feeling that you aren't getting the value for your money but I don't think it's anything completely outrageous. Except for having to take two days off during the week!

When I'm not in a wedding and I get invited to a bachelorette I pick and choose when to attend and how much I'll spend. When I'm in the wedding I attend it all if it's within reason. I know a destination wedding I attended, the bride also wanted a destination bachelorette to Miami. Her wedding party told her heck no. That was unreasonable IMO.

Where I think the situation in this thread is out of line is that the bachelorette as outlined suits the MOH, not the bride. If OP is accurate about that I see nothing wrong with meeting up for dinner at the winery and checking off the obligation as met. If I wouldn't agree participating in a wedding party is essentially a blank check for a bride potentially morphing into a bridezilla, I'm certainly not marching to the tune of a MOH who's forgotten why it is that title has been bestowed on her. The fact your breaking point is the two days off work versus the $300 is irrelevant. It appears to cross boundaries for the OP. A suitable compromise is at hand. The MOH and the rest of the bridal party can suck it up or rethink things -- possibly with input from the bride and those attending.

 

[anniemae]

I would go to part of the celebration if you can swing it. Like others have said, if its a dinner before all the festivities, just go to that. I don't think it's unreasonable to bow out of the rest due to work, especially since you are making an effort to attend the dinner.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I think this is very true. One of my daughters learned the hard way. The bride wanted two nights in an expensive suite hotel, food and drink for the suite and two nights of meals and bars for the bride. My daughter-huge mistake-agreed to pay on her card and the other bridesmaids agreed to pay her later. None of the other bridesmaid ended up sending her any money. After two follow-up emails asking for the money she gave up. It is not like you can turn them over to a collection agency. And basically the others were friends of the bride and didn't really know my daughter that well so we figure they did not mind stiffing someone they weren't close to. Hard, expensive lesson learned.

That is a horrible lesson to learn. People suck. Those other bridesmaids should be ashamed of themselves.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I would be petrified of being a bridesmaid these days.

Destination Bachelorette Parties. Multiple showers. Outrageous gift requests. Bowing the bride's every whim. You are really throwing a TON of money towards the bride. It's like you need a second job to support her

And then the baby comes and the madness continues with reveal parties, BabyMoons, showers, welcome home parties, etc.

People are going insane with the Me, Me, Me attitude. I hope this trend stops soon.

 

[gotomu212]

I've heard some really outrageous bachelorette trips that cost WAY too much money, but this doesn't really seem that extravagant. From the OP it sounds more that you're aggravated and just think it's a hassle (which I totally get).

I would go and maybe bow out early but I would definitely kick in for the party. $300 sounds about right to help throw the bachelorette party which I consider part of your job as a bridesmaid. A reasonable bachelorette event, shower, and dress are part of the package. It's fine if people don't have the time or budget for these but to me you should speak up and decline to be part of the wedding party then.

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

Thanks, everyone. I haven't decided if I'm going to go yet, but I will pay for my share of the bride's stay so I don't screw anyone over. It's not about the money anymore as much as it is about working summer school those days. The MOH told me to "just call in sick" but it's not exactly that easy! I'm going to ask my supervisor what the protocol is for taking off in the summer and I'll take it from there. Thanks for your input!!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I've heard some really outrageous bachelorette trips that cost WAY too much money, but this doesn't really seem that extravagant. From the OP it sounds more that you're aggravated and just think it's a hassle (which I totally get).

I would go and maybe bow out early but I would definitely kick in for the party. $300 sounds about right to help throw the bachelorette party which I consider part of your job as a bridesmaid.

I think it is outrageous for each bridesmaid to throw in $300 for the bachelorette party. Go out for dinner and drinks. Pay for your own dinner and split the bride's food and drink between the bridal party. That should not come to $300 a person.

To make this into a two day affair with a hotel room, and people missing work is nuts.

OP--How much will you have to pay for your gown? Your share of the Bridal Shower venue? Your share of the group gift from the bridesmaids?

 

[MrsDuck]

If you can swing dinner/the wineries, I'd do that. But, I'd blame summer school for not spending the night (and shelling out so much extra cash).

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

I think it is outrageous for each bridesmaid to throw in $300 for the bachelorette party. Go out for dinner and drinks. Pay for your own dinner and split the bride's food and drink between the bridal party. That should not come to $300 a person.

To make this into a two day affair with a hotel room, and people missing work is nuts.

OP--How much will you have to pay for your gown? Your share of the Bridal Shower venue? Your share of the group gift from the bridesmaids?

Our dresses are $270. No word on anything else from the MOH yet.

 

[dollarmite]

Who plans a Bachelorette party for a monday-tuesday? Odd. If it was me I would go to everything, but decline the hotel, due to working. I think spending 300 is a reasonable amount for dinner and a winery and it sounds like you can afford it so think you should go instead of saving for a vacation with your sister even though that is what you'd rather do. As a pp stated agreeing to be in a wedding comes with lots of expenses most would rather spend elsewhere, but IMO that is part of saying yes. If they were asking people to spend a ridiculous amount it would be one thing, but a nice dinner and night out is easily a couple hundred plus the tradition that everyone chips in for the bride, the 300 seems reasonable and if you don't stay at the hotel I'd guess it is closer to 250 for you.

Never in a million years would I sacrifice my holiday savings for anyone's wedding, or other event, and would be mortified if anyone did that for me.

$300 is over the top to be expected to spend on a wedding related party. These things have gotten way out of hand. .

OP, in your shoes I'd only attend the dinner, provided it was something I could easily get to and without taking time off work. Otherwise I'd skip the entire thing

What's even more ridiculous is that this isn't even something the BTB herself has requested. It sounds like this this is an event the MOH wants to do, and is using the wedding as an excuse to live out her own fantasies.

 

[nugov2]

Never in a million years would I sacrifice my holiday savings for anyone's wedding, or other event, and would be mortified if anyone did that for me.

$300 is over the top to be expected to spend on a wedding related party. These things have gotten way out of hand. .

OP, in your shoes I'd only attend the dinner, provided it was something I could easily get to and without taking time off work. Otherwise I'd skip the entire thing

What's even more ridiculous is that this isn't even something the BTB herself has requested. It sounds like this this is an event the MOH wants to do, and is using the wedding as an excuse to live out her own fantasies.

IMO, you shouldn't say yes if you don't want to sacrifice or can't afford both. I see nothing wrong with saying you cannot afford to stand up in a wedding, it is expensive to do it. I'd assume before you say yes you have some reasonable idea of what will be planned for these things...I was never surprised in all 5 of the weddings I stood up in as I knew the girls well and what we'd likely do. 3 were overnights downtown and two were local getaways similar to what the op is describing.... only not on a weekday. If you go to a nice restaurant and to a couple of bars its going to run 200-250 a person even without a hotel around here, when you throw in cabs/parking etc. I can't even go to a TGI fridays for dinner and drinks for under $50 a person if we all have a couple of drinks and split appetizers and while i find nothing wrong with a Fridays, I don't consider it even remotely upscale. Beers in a downtown bar are 8 and mixed drinks are 15-18. It adds up quick. So I guess where you live can play a big part in what someone considers reasonable for a night out. I also think if this ends up being the plan, the bride likely has some interest in it, otherwise why wouldn't she say something, but I guess nothing totally surprises me here anymore. Before the Dis, the problems discussed in many threads never crossed my mind. I must be lucky to live in some kind of utopian bubble with friendly neighbors, good schools and friends and family that are somewhat normal.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I can't even go to a TGI fridays for dinner and drinks for under $50 a person

Really? What in the world are you eating or drinking at a TGIF that you can't go there for under $50 per person

I must be lucky to live in some kind of utopian bubble with friendly neighbors, good schools and friends and family that are somewhat normal.

I don't understand what that means. So, because the bridesmaid is a bit turned off by a $300 pre-wedding party (with more celebrations to come) she doesn't have friendly neighbors or good schools or normal people in her life?

 

[nugov2]

Really? What in the world are you eating or drinking at a TGIF that you can't go there for under $50 per person



I don't understand what that means. So, because the bridesmaid is a bit turned off by a $300 pre-wedding party (with more celebrations to come) she doesn't have friendly neighbors or good schools or normal people in her life?

No I was referencing all the threads I have read on the CB over the years and the problems people run into. I have yet to run into a MOH who is so controlling she'd ignore the wishes of the bride and plan an event that suits only her.

I can't recall exactly what everyone ate and drank, but I believe their mixed drinks are 10 and nobody who drinks wine drinks house, so it probably comes from alcohol even though its only 2-3 drinks a person. We hang in groups where the bill is split evenly and not based on what you eat or drink unless there is a reason there would be a large discrepancy like one person didn't drink at all or didn't order food. So with tip and as i stated usually a couple of appetizers split between everyone and drinks it is easily 50 at a low key place like Fridays. A higher end place double per person, but as I stated it is relative to region. Dh and I went to a high end steak house in another state and our total bill was what just our liquor bill would be somewhere near home of the same caliber.