Friend's bachelorette party

[Princess_Ariel_5]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I have a friend who is getting married in August and I am one of her bridesmaids. Her maid of honor is planning her bachelorette party for July. The plans have changed 5 times, no exaggeration. This girl has been back and forth with the planning and the pricing. The final plan (as of now, at least) is going to run around $300 a girl to stay in a hotel room for one night and go to some wineries. That's a bit excessive for me, considering what we are getting for the price. Also, it's going to be a Monday into a Tuesday and I work in the summer teaching summer school. Originally, I told the MOH I would go when the price was cheaper and we were doing something else. I would rather save this money to put towards a trip my sister and I are planning for October. I know the bride would not be upset or offended if I was not there, because she understands work commitments and financial obligations.

Would I be a terrible person for not attending her bachelorette? I just really don't even want to go and waste that money, plus I don't feel right taking two days off from work in a row for a bachelorette party. Ugh, I don't know what to do!

EDIT: I should also add that this what the maid of honor wants to do, not the bride. The bride would prefer a night out dancing and drinking but the maid of honor isn't listening to anyone.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Is it something that you can maybe join them at one of the wineries or just for dinner? That could work if it's not too far.

 

[Christine]

First off, being in a wedding is going to always have some bit of "wasting money." That has been true in most cases forever. So, I wouldn't NOT go because you don't feel it's a value for your money or how YOU would want to spend the money. You don't go for these reasons:

1. It's not in your budget to spend $300. Period. No caveats like "Well, I'd spend $300 if we were going to Las Vegas." You either have the money or you don't.
2. You work in the summer and can't take the time off.

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

First off, being in a wedding is going to always have some bit of "wasting money." That has been true in most cases forever. So, I wouldn't NOT go because you don't feel it's a value for your money or how YOU would want to spend the money. You don't go for these reasons:

1. It's not in your budget to spend $300. Period. No caveats like "Well, I'd spend $300 if we were going to Las Vegas." You either have the money or you don't.
2. You work in the summer and can't take the time off.

You are absolutely correct. Thank you for putting it that way!

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

Is it something that you can maybe join them at one of the wineries or just for dinner? That could work if it's not too far.

Ooh, that's a good idea! It's about an hour away so I could definitely make dinner work. Thanks for the idea!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'd have no problem saying "no" since days off work are involved. Who knows, maybe enough others will cancel that MOH gets the hint & does what you say the bride would prefer anyway.

 

[cheers]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I have a friend who is getting married in August and I am one of her bridesmaids. Her maid of honor is planning her bachelorette party for July. The plans have changed 5 times, no exaggeration. This girl has been back and forth with the planning and the pricing. The final plan (as of now, at least) is going to run around $300 a girl to stay in a hotel room for one night and go to some wineries. That's a bit excessive for me, considering what we are getting for the price. Also, it's going to be a Monday into a Tuesday and I work in the summer teaching summer school. Originally, I told the MOH I would go when the price was cheaper and we were doing something else. I would rather save this money to put towards a trip my sister and I are planning for October. I know the bride would not be upset or offended if I was not there, because she understands work commitments and financial obligations.

Would I be a terrible person for not attending her bachelorette? I just really don't even want to go and waste that money, plus I don't feel right taking two days off from work in a row for a bachelorette party. Ugh, I don't know what to do!

EDIT: I should also add that this what the maid of honor wants to do, not the bride. The bride would prefer a night out dancing and drinking but the maid of honor isn't listening to anyone.

You might still be out some money anyway. Are you all expected to chip in for the bride's hotel room, dinner and other costs? If you are, deciding not to go will probably not get you out of your share.

 

[verleniahall]

I second the idea of meeting up for dinner - this way you are still participating but not spending the money for a hotel

 

[asta]

I don't think you should feel obligated to spend that money if you don't have it. I also understand the reluctance to take up limited time off when you might not have built up a lot of vacation days. Joining them only for dinner seems like a good solution. With that being said, my daughters have been bridesmaids in several weddings and $300 is very cheap compared to what my daughters have been expected to do. I was really raked over the coals by several DIS posters earlier this year when I expressed frustration over the financial and time demands that were expected of bridesmaids. The most extravagant bachelorette party they were involved in was a week in the Carribean. I hope the posters here are much nicer to you than they were to me.

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

I don't think you should feel obligated to spend that money if you don't have it. I also understand the reluctance to take up limited time off when you might not have built up a lot of vacation days. Joining them only for dinner seems like a good solution. With that being said, my daughters have been bridesmaids in several weddings and $300 is very cheap compared to what my daughters have been expected to do. I was really raked over the coals by several DIS posters earlier this year when I expressed frustration over the financial and time demands that were expected of bridesmaids. The most extravagant bachelorette party they were involved in was a week in the Carribean. I hope the posters here are much nicer to you than they were to me.

Thank you! I'm sorry people were rude to you. Thanks for understanding.

 

[fly girl]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I have a friend who is getting married in August and I am one of her bridesmaids. Her maid of honor is planning her bachelorette party for July. The plans have changed 5 times, no exaggeration. This girl has been back and forth with the planning and the pricing. The final plan (as of now, at least) is going to run around $300 a girl to stay in a hotel room for one night and go to some wineries. That's a bit excessive for me, considering what we are getting for the price. Also, it's going to be a Monday into a Tuesday and I work in the summer teaching summer school. Originally, I told the MOH I would go when the price was cheaper and we were doing something else. I would rather save this money to put towards a trip my sister and I are planning for October. I know the bride would not be upset or offended if I was not there, because she understands work commitments and financial obligations.

Would I be a terrible person for not attending her bachelorette? I just really don't even want to go and waste that money, plus I don't feel right taking two days off from work in a row for a bachelorette party. Ugh, I don't know what to do!

EDIT: I should also add that this what the maid of honor wants to do, not the bride. The bride would prefer a night out dancing and drinking but the maid of honor isn't listening to anyone.

First, how many bridesmaids are there?

If you have more than you, you could all go in as a friendly united front and tell MOH that this isn't what the bride wants. Explain how this is HER party and she really just wants something else. Why the bride is letting MOH steamroll over what she wants idk (maybe has too much other stuff going on) so you need to be her voice. But be sure the bride really doesn't want this weekend getaway.

If you don't want to create drama, can you share a room to reduce cost? We had 4 girls in 1 room at mine. Barely in the room anyway.

I don't think you should be forced to go, but I think you could regret not sucking it up for your friend down the line.

 

[powellrj]

I would just explain that you don't feel you can take the time off from work. As for regretting not going for the bride, most people lose contact with the people that were in their weddings as the years go by. The only one I see is my maid of honor, and I will go years without talking to her and then we get together. Everyone else, I never see anymore.

 

[VandVsmama]

My sister has been a bridesmaid in 5 or 6 weddings and she's been amazed at how often the bride turns into Missy Demandypants when planning the wedding. One bride in particular tried dictating where the bachelorette party would be. First, the bride wanted a 4-day trip to Las Vegas. There were just 2 bridesmaids, so it's not like it was a huge group of people to split the costs with or anything. My sister and the other bridesmaid said no.

Then the bride said, "Ok, then I want you to take me on a 4-day cruise to Mexico instead." My sister and the other bridesmaid found a polite way to say, "We're not taking you on a honeymoon." So my sister & the other bridesmaid told the bride that they'd go wine tasting. And they had a wonderful time.

Fast forward to the bridal shower. Bridezilla gave them a guest list of 70 people. The party was hosted at the small 1-bedroom apartment of the other bridesmaid. About 50 people attended. All crammed into the small apartment. My sister & the other bridesmaid had just about had it when they heard Bridezilla announce from the other room that she wasn't looking forward to the wedding being over with because it would mean that people would stop waiting on her and doing things for her.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't think you should feel obligated to spend that money if you don't have it. I also understand the reluctance to take up limited time off when you might not have built up a lot of vacation days. Joining them only for dinner seems like a good solution. With that being said, my daughters have been bridesmaids in several weddings and $300 is very cheap compared to what my daughters have been expected to do. I was really raked over the coals by several DIS posters earlier this year when I expressed frustration over the financial and time demands that were expected of bridesmaids. The most extravagant bachelorette party they were involved in was a week in the Carribean. I hope the posters here are much nicer to you than they were to me.

I remember that thread.

IIRC, most of the people agreed with you that the parties were over the top extravagant. Where I think you caught a little flak was getting in the middle of it as most felt your (mid-20's IIRC) daughters needed to be the ones to stand up for themselves.

 

[asta]

I remember that thread.

IIRC, most of the people agreed with you that the parties were over the top extravagant. Where I think you caught a little flak was getting in the middle of it as most felt your (mid-20's IIRC) daughters needed to be the ones to stand up for themselves.

Only on the DIS could a vent about over the top bridesmaids expectations be turned into an attack on parenting style. I am at least learning what to not post about.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Only on the DIS could a vent about over the top bridesmaids expectations be turned into an attack on parenting style. I am at least learning what to not post about.

I don't recall much of an attack. I recall the bulk of the posters (myself included) pretty much in agreement with you across the board. There was a tiny handful of people who politely suggested you stay out of it, and you called it an "attack" leaving us all very confused.

And as I recall part of the issue was your daughters were both still pursuing advanced degrees while their peers had moved into the job market & had more expendable income than your daughters, correct?

Bottom line, we agreed the events were out of control, but that it wasn't really your problem. And that even if the events were over the top, if your daughters were the only ones complaining, they needed to just bow out of these events.

And I don't think that's an "attack". Sorry

 

[Christine]

I don't recall much of an attack. I recall the bulk of the posters (myself included) pretty much in agreement with you across the board. There was a tiny handful of people who politely suggested you stay out of it, and you called it an "attack" leaving us all very confused.

And as I recall part of the issue was your daughters were both still pursuing advanced degrees while their peers had moved into the job market & had more expendable income than your daughters, correct?

Bottom line, we agreed the events were out of control, but that it wasn't really your problem. And that even if the events were over the top, if your daughters were the only ones complaining, they needed to just how out of these events.

And I don't think that's an "attack". Sorry

I recall that exactly the same. There was in issue with the daughters not being able to say "no", the ability of the daughters not being able to pay, and the OP having to foot the bill. I think it basically came down to the daughters, at this point in their lives (no income of their own), saying no to these invites.

 

[nugov2]

Who plans a Bachelorette party for a monday-tuesday? Odd. If it was me I would go to everything, but decline the hotel, due to working. I think spending 300 is a reasonable amount for dinner and a winery and it sounds like you can afford it so think you should go instead of saving for a vacation with your sister even though that is what you'd rather do. As a pp stated agreeing to be in a wedding comes with lots of expenses most would rather spend elsewhere, but IMO that is part of saying yes. If they were asking people to spend a ridiculous amount it would be one thing, but a nice dinner and night out is easily a couple hundred plus the tradition that everyone chips in for the bride, the 300 seems reasonable and if you don't stay at the hotel I'd guess it is closer to 250 for you.

 

[Vernie822]

First off, bachelorette parties bring out the worst in people (I'm not saying you whatsoever, this is just my experience). At this point no one wants to fork over any more cash, take any more time off, and it usually ends up with someone paying a bulk of the expense because no one else wants to - this is just my experience!

The Monday-Tuesday thing is odd. People work. I've been in 3 weddings in the last 2 years and in general you do take some time off for the rehearsal dinner, maybe if you have to prep/travel for the shower or wedding, too. So asking people to take additional time off during the week is odd.

Are there other girls that won't be attending? Maybe you can take her out for dinner and drinks on another night since you can't make the other bachelorette party.

Yes, it is costly. I totally get that. Like someone mentioned above, tell her your stance. You work, you can't take 2 days off, and you can't/don't want to pay $300.

I would also agree w/ the "united front" discussion with the bride and/or MOH about how this isn't what the bachelorette wants. If she wants something different, that's what she should get.

PS - where are you from!? Are there other options for a wine tour during the day? I would do a wine tour on a Saturday, have dinner/drinks Saturday night, and spend the night. I live in wine country in PA and there's NO WAY that would cost $300. Heck I'd think it would cost no more than $100-120 tops.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

IMO when you agree to be a bridesmaid you go in knowing you will be spending money on your dress, bridal shower and bachelorette party. If you don't want to do that politely decline. I also believe bridesmaids should attend all events unless there are huge circumstances that you can't get around. For me I get a lot of time off at work so taking off two days wouldn't be a huge deal. I know for others it's not that easy.

With that said, who the heck throws a bachelorette party on a Monday-Tuesday??? That is very unreasonable of the MOH. I don't think $300 is a lot though. I think you guys should tell the MOH that this isn't what the bride wants AND doing it on a weekday is ridiculous.

I'm a bridesmaid for a September wedding. The bride requested Atlantic City (we live 45 minutes away) and her bday weekend in July. Done. Everything else we are planning and it will be a surprise. I am taking off a few days around it because I want to but it's not necessary since it's Friday afternoon check in and Sunday am checkout. A bunch of us girls got a suite and it's $100 per person. One activity is $50. Our portion for the bride is $20 per bridesmaid. After that it's whatever you want to spend on food and drinks when we bar hop or go to clubs. I'm thinking when all is said and done I'll be around $400ish for the weekend.