Friend Vent! Long

[ilovefh]

I am so mad at my friend! Let me tell you the story and you can tell me what you think!

I love my friend! In fact he is my best friend. But he is filled with double standards! Something he does is okay, but if I do it, it is not okay. Example: He went on his first date with his current girlfriend. She lives a little over an hour away from me. He was going to come back to my house after his date to spend the night (I live in the same town as his parents...he lives all over the place!). He called at 11 and said he was dropping her off and would be here by midnight. DH went to bed but I waited up. It was almost 2am by the time he walked in. They started talking and he couldn't pull himself away. No big deal! I am happy for him, but if I had done the same thing...Yikes! He would have read me the riot act!

So now on to why I am angry this time!

He quit his job last spring and moved in with his gf and her parents. This fall he starts asking about renting out a house in my neighborhood for a few months. Renting is against the rules in our neighborhood but I tell him I will be on the lookout for cheap places to live. It has to be cheap because he has no job, he is finishing his masters degree. At the same time my parents decided to go to FL for three months this winter. Light bulb! He can stay at their house, take care of their dogs and they won't charge him anything. Normally people pay for house sitting I know, but they weren't looking for a house sitter. DH and I were going to take the dogs and my sister and I would go over there every day and hang out to make sure things were fine. So everyone involved thought this was a good deal.

Well today, two weeks before my parents are set to leave he calls to tell them he now owns a puppy...a St. Bernard puppy. He wants to know if he can bring the dog with him. My parents don't want a new, untrained puppy in the house and our dogs won't get along with it. He offers to stay there the week we are going to FL to see my parents so the dogs won't have to go to the kennel.

Here is where I am mad. If I did this to his parents he would be furious with me for not following through! He would have told me that I knew I was staying at their house so why did I buy a dog?

Also, now DH and I will take the dogs. No big deal, that was our plan before he was going to stay at their house. But now my parents feel bad. My FIL comes up every other weekend for a night. One of my parent's dogs does not like him so the dog would have to stay in the cage for the day. Last year we had the dogs for a month and he didn't come up for that whole month. Now they are thinking of leaving later because they don't want to inconvenience us. I really don't want them to change their plans!

I am so mad at him! I put my neck out there and begged my parents to let him stay there! Now he cancels less than two weeks before they are set to leave. They're are driving down and their rental starts 1/12. They were hoping he would stay a few days before they left so they could show him where everything is. He would have been so angry if I did this to his parents and above all now my parents are thinking of changing their plans because they feel bad! Ugh.

All DH said was..."I told you so!"

Thanks for reading my wordy post!

 

[bumbershoot]

Have you talked to him bluntly about all of this? What does he say?

I have a friend who isn't exactly like that, but there could be parallels. I finally had to end our semi-close relationship, just putting distance, b/c I couldn't take the double standards. Of course, he thinks he is the distance-maker, because that's just how he is. My friend was also super-critical, and he's been in therapy ALL his life but still hasn't figured out who he is, so whatever he and his therapist are working on, he projects onto others. It gets VERY old. I called him during a bad bad time, he calls back 2 weeks later when things are on their way to resolution, and gets on my case for being so back and forth...dude, 2 weeks can be a long time! Shoulda called me back when i called you. And if I'd done the same....

Anyway, might be time to reevaluate, if it's so very one-sided.

 

[hucifer]

He has no job, no home, and he buys a dog? And a large one at that?

This guy still has some growing up to do, and some issues to work out. I wouldn't support this kind of person at all because it would feel like I was enabling him and his situation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So he bailed on you, right?

First off, don't ask him to take care of your parents house when you go to see them for the week. Hire a pet sitter or board the dogs. Get smart.

As far as needing to crate a dog while your FIL is in town, then just do it. The dog will be fine.

You can remain friends if you wish that is your perogative. However do not create anymore situations where he will mess with you. He clearly expects that he can go around doing what he wants with no consequences.

Frankly I would say it is a blessing he bailed. I would not want someone like this in my house taking care of my pets.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree with The Mystery Machine.
If you want a no account loser as a friend that's fine...just don't out any big expectations on him.

He's shown you who he is on more than one occasion, so pay attention!

 

[ilovefh]

Have you talked to him bluntly about all of this? What does he say?

I have a friend who isn't exactly like that, but there could be parallels. I finally had to end our semi-close relationship, just putting distance, b/c I couldn't take the double standards. Of course, he thinks he is the distance-maker, because that's just how he is. My friend was also super-critical, and he's been in therapy ALL his life but still hasn't figured out who he is, so whatever he and his therapist are working on, he projects onto others. It gets VERY old. I called him during a bad bad time, he calls back 2 weeks later when things are on their way to resolution, and gets on my case for being so back and forth...dude, 2 weeks can be a long time! Shoulda called me back when i called you. And if I'd done the same....

Anyway, might be time to reevaluate, if it's so very one-sided.

That is a lot like my friend! He has gone from job to job to job trying to figure out what he wants to do, but he really has no clue who he is! We have had talked about his double standards many times, but he doesn't see it! I can say he is there when I am going through a rough time. When I miscarried the first time at 11 weeks DH called him from the hospital. He immediately made the hour long drive to come up and see us, made sure we had dinner for the night and took care of everything we needed.

He has no job, no home, and he buys a dog? And a large one at that?

This guy still has some growing up to do, and some issues to work out. I wouldn't support this kind of person at all because it would feel like I was enabling him and his situation.

He bought the dog as an investment. He split the cost with the breeder so now he will make money on the dog....but we can't figure out how he can afford even half of a pure bread St. Bernard dog! I don't mind the dog...he can do what he wants with his money. But why couldn't he tell the breeder that he can't take the dog until April?

So he bailed on you, right?

First off, don't ask him to take care of your parents house when you go to see them for the week. Hire a pet sitter or board the dogs. Get smart.

As far as needing to crate a dog while your FIL is in town, then just do it. The dog will be fine.

You can remain friends if you wish that is your perogative. However do not create anymore situations where he will mess with you. He clearly expects that he can go around doing what he wants with no consequences.

Frankly I would say it is a blessing he bailed. I would not want someone like this in my house taking care of my pets.

I was so mad last night I told my dad he should tell him that he already cancelled the kennel reservation and make him come up that week! Just out of spite! But thankfully we still have the kennel reservation so that won't be necessary. And as far as FIL goes, it's not a big deal to us since our plan was to keep the dogs before we talked about him staying there. We just are worried that my parents now feel like they are inconveniencing so now they want to cut their time in FL short.

I think I am more upset because in the back of my mind I thought this might happen....and he proved DH right. Now that is just not okay!

I agree with The Mystery Machine.
If you want a no account loser as a friend that's fine...just don't out any big expectations on him.

He's shown you who he is on more than one occasion, so pay attention!

You sound just like DH! And as much as it kills me to admit this....you are both right. It took me a while to figure it out though.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why are you even friends with this person?

 

[ilovefh]

Why are you even friends with this person?

Ugh....I am on the phone with him right now! Wow!

 

[ilovefh]

Ugh friends are so frustrating! I just spoke to him on the phone. He feels that since he gave my parents the option of DH and I taking the dogs and he will still come with his new dog, that everything should be okay. What he doesn't get is it is not about the dogs, or my parents really. It is the fact that he made a commitment and did not follow through.

He said there was no way he could pass up the opportunity to make an extra 5K per year by breeding this dog. Listen to his comparison! DH and I are currently trying to sell our house. He asked what if I had made a commitment and then my house sold and I couldn't follow through. First of all everyone knows we are trying to sell our house, the market is down and offers are few and far between. And selling a house is not even close to buying a dog for an extra 5k/year. He can do any number of things to make an extra 5K! However, I would not make a commitment that I would not be willing to follow through on if our house sold.

He then tried to put it off on md by saying at least he takes care of his responsibilities. One of the dogs at my parents house is mine and the other is my sisters. DH and I would love to take my dog, but DDad won't let only one dog leave. They either both go to the same place or they stay. Dsis cannot handle take her dog as it HATES her boyfriend that she lives with. The dogs are part of the reason we are selling our house. DH would rather have Dsis's dog and of course I love mine, but we can't have Dsis's dog where we live. Too many people in close proximity!

I love him, but good lord! It has become even more apparent that he just wants everyone to do what he wants!

 

[wdwfan16]

Thats some friend! Learn from this and stop helping him.

 

[sunnyday123]

First of all, does he realize he will be paying more for this dog than he is going to make? St Bernards are giant breed, not large. Quality food is $40-$60 a month, he should have insurance on the dog, plus vet bills. What if the dog cannot be bred?

Sounds like no one is up front with him, and he needs to be hit with the blunt stick.

 

[ilovefh]

First of all, does he realize he will be paying more for this dog than he is going to make? St Bernards are giant breed, not large. Quality food is $40-$60 a month, he should have insurance on the dog, plus vet bills. What if the dog cannot be bred?

Sounds like no one is up front with him, and he needs to be hit with the blunt stick.

You know, I don't know much about those dogs, but I was thinking this was the case!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ugh friends are so frustrating! I just spoke to him on the phone. He feels that since he gave my parents the option of DH and I taking the dogs and he will still come with his new dog, that everything should be okay. What he doesn't get is it is not about the dogs, or my parents really. It is the fact that he made a commitment and did not follow through.

He said there was no way he could pass up the opportunity to make an extra 5K per year by breeding this dog. Listen to his comparison! DH and I are currently trying to sell our house. He asked what if I had made a commitment and then my house sold and I couldn't follow through. First of all everyone knows we are trying to sell our house, the market is down and offers are few and far between. And selling a house is not even close to buying a dog for an extra 5k/year. He can do any number of things to make an extra 5K! However, I would not make a commitment that I would not be willing to follow through on if our house sold.

He then tried to put it off on md by saying at least he takes care of his responsibilities. One of the dogs at my parents house is mine and the other is my sisters. DH and I would love to take my dog, but DDad won't let only one dog leave. They either both go to the same place or they stay. Dsis cannot handle take her dog as it HATES her boyfriend that she lives with. The dogs are part of the reason we are selling our house. DH would rather have Dsis's dog and of course I love mine, but we can't have Dsis's dog where we live. Too many people in close proximity!

I love him, but good lord! It has become even more apparent that he just wants everyone to do what he wants!

Your friend has something wrong with his critical thinking skills. Is he mentally ill, like bi-polar or something? This is not a normal way of thinking.

I feel sorry for the puppy.

 

[C.Ann]

This sounds like an odd sort of friendship - and rather one-sided - to say the least.. I think I would be seriously reconsidering if I wanted this person to remain in my life on a permanent basis..

 

[LadyZolt]

I think I figured out your friend.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Symptoms

A person with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
* Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
* Has feelings of self-importance
* Exaggerates achievements and talents
* Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
* Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
* Requires constant attention and admiration
* Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
* Has obsessive self-interest
* Pursues mainly selfish goals

People who know others like this tell me that someone with this disorder can make them feel bad about something that is totally the fault of the narcissistic one. So, maybe your friend has this just a bit, in which case your best reaction to him is to smile and nod, be friendly but don't give him too much personal information so he can't turn stuff around on you, and don't count on him for anything. Good luck!

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would just tell him thank you anyway, but you have it all covered. Wish him well with his dog. Tell him it sounds like he has it all worked out. That would be music to his ears. Then he would be moved to a far, far, back burner friend. A phone friend that would soon be a casual acquaintance. No drama. Just a nice easing off on the relationship.

I'd step away from the false friend. He really seems to be living for himself only and doesn't seem quite "with it".