Foster parenting/adopting

[nkereina]

Sorry if I missed this, but what do your 16 and 13 year olds think of the idea? You've been a family of 4 for 13 years now so to bring a baby into the mix I imagine will be a great disruption to their lives. IMO, it can only go one of two ways - either the teens will welcome their new baby brother/sister with open arms or they will be resentful and not adjust well. Your older kids are in pivotal years of their life, and I feel like proceeding with the adoption will bring a lot of added stress to your whole family. JMHO. Good luck in your decision!

 

[cabanafrau]

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I agree that there is just so much involved that it's rarely clear cut. And likely in this case there is a lot we don't know about. But I just can't see the court letting the aunt and uncle pick and choose which siblings they want to take and which one they want to give away...to an unrelated stranger, no less.

Oh, I'm not suggesting that's reality at all, but I've already addressed that earlier.

Note, I'm not suggesting OP isn't telling the truth as she knows it. I believe those are the facts she has. The aunt and uncle may be telling what they believe to be the facts as well. It's not uncommon for people in these cases to be quite in the dark about an awful lot of what's going on.

 

[momz]

Op here. We have not told our teenage kids anything about this situation. We were blindsided by this anyway and I see no need to nvolved our kids at this point.

I really appreciate reading these responses, as it has opened my eyes to so much!

At this point, we cannot even consider this as we are in the process of selling our house. We are moving this weekend. There is so much going on with that, we just can't even talk about this baby right now.

Honestly, while I don't recognize a feeling of guilt, I do in fact, recognize the feelings of pressure from the aunt.

I have not taken any further action on this. I have not contacted the aunt, or the foster care system. That can be done later if we choose to. It is very reassuring to read from several of you that there are parents ready and willing to nurture and love this little guy. Considering we have not planned for it or discussed it, ever, I am seeng the aunts pressure more clearly.

For now, we are focusing on our move.

I will update when I have questions or more information.

Honestly, I really appreciate everyone's comments!

 

[North of Mouse]

'I' would not do this. At your age a toddler entering into your lives would be devastating - if not right away, before long. Your lives are already stressed - think being responsible for a baby will make that better?? You have teens which will consume a lot of your time, thoughts - trust me, I've been there!

Surely a young couple that is longing for a child would be a much better fit!! Please give them a chance.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think you are very right to hold off. Not only because you're already (understandably) stressed about moving, but so many things don't add up. Most importantly, you didn't ask for this, you weren't looking to do this--this whole thing was dumped on you. Now, it's possible that you, or anyone, might have an epiphany and see this as a sign from the deity of your choice, go through with it, and find that this was the best thing that ever happened to you. But, the whole thing was thrust upon you--you weren't looking to foster. I truly believe that life-altering events, such as choosing to foster, really need to come from the heart. By that I mean, a decision reached after careful thought and soul-searching, considering all the ramifications. This isn't a kitten that someone dropped off on your doorstep.

There are agencies in place to deal with this. The child won't die of neglect if you say no. If, down the line, you think about this situation, and it compels you to look into fostering, that's great. If it doesn't, that's okay, too. There's nothing wrong with you saying, "This just isn't for me right now."

 

[punkin]

I'm sure you felt very frustrated with the system, for good reason. I would be willing to bet there were several players from within the system equally as frustrated on behalf of your niece and yourself, with their hands tied by legal restraints.

Yes. It was a very unusual case.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Yes, you need to carefully consider what all of this might entail. Talk to everyone involved. Consult your own lawyer.

And obviously this isn't something that you asked for. But that doesn't mean that it isn't a good thing.

A couple of years ago we were presented with a situation that we never asked for. A young lady that we knew got pregnant. She wasn't married and was in fact, still in high school. Her family told her to either get out or get an abortion. She didn't have many choices of where to live. She lived with someone else until the baby was born and she graduated. But she came to us when the baby was just a few months old. And they are still here. The baby will be two, very soon.

It has turned our lives upside down. We have good days and bad. But we essentially have another small family living in our house. We didn't have much time to consider this. She needed a place to live. She didn't have any other options.

Sometimes the biggest changes in your life just present themselves. And sometimes those are the best changes. I know that I will treasure the time I have been able to spend with this precious child.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'm glad that speaking with an adoption counselor/case worker is something recommended to you. I think that's wise.

A couple things stood out to me:

1) I don't believe for one hot minute that mom's parental rights have been terminated at this point. And I don't think that will happen very quickly.

2) This baby has *4* siblings. It's not ideal to think that you'll never have to deal with the birth family members ever again. This child should have an opportunity to know its siblings.

3) This is not a good decision to make under duress. Take your time. It's better the baby go to an approved foster home while things are sorted out than for you to make a hasty decision and things not go well.

 

[Sleepy425]

Foster classes are a total of 30 hours. While some may be more expedited, our state does ten 3 hour long classes. Considering you can't just jump into classes at any time and may have to wait for the next session (they don't run continuously, they need to process one set of foster parents before starting classes for the next), this could take many months.
Plus, as others have said, what the aunt is telling you doesn't seem to add up. And she doesn't get to hand pick a home for this child.
Also, as you stated your kids are older, so you are past a lot of difficult stages. A child born exposed to drugs can be difficult. Very difficult. And while people not in the adoption world don't realize this, alcohol exposure is even worse than drug exposure. And you can usually safely assume that if they were using drugs they were also using alcohol. Fetal alcohol syndrome is literally brain damage. These kids can be very challenging to raise. And I'm not saying this to be mean. My twin daughters are wonderful. We've had them since they were three weeks old, so everyone always says, "you're so lucky to have gotten them before they developed any real issues!" Trust me, the prenatal exposures cause very real issues. Life in my house is a challenge every day. The girls are 3.5 now, and the older they get the more issues we discover. At this point I can't imagine adding a baby because I am exhausted from these two (plus I have an almost 5 and almost 7 year old and up to two more foster kids at any time). I can't imagine doing this when I'm 15 years older - I can barely do it now at 32!
It is amazing that you would even consider this. But the situation you described is not something I would even put much more effort into. From what you've said, especially that birth father rights have not been terminated, it has almost zero chance of being a possibility.

 

[Skippy918]

3) This is not a good decision to make under duress. Take your time. It's better the baby go to an approved foster home while things are sorted out than for you to make a hasty decision and things not go well.

This. And don't feel guilty if you can't do it either. There are many great foster parents out there so I am sure this baby will be placed in a good home.
A friend of mine is a foster parent and it took several months to become qualified. He adopted 3 kids that he fostered recently. 2 were with him since a few days old and are now 1 and the other was with him for nearly 3 years off and on. It took many months to a year for the parental rights to be terminated and for the kids to be eligible for adoption.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I'm glad that speaking with an adoption counselor/case worker is something recommended to you. I think that's wise.

A couple things stood out to me:

1) I don't believe for one hot minute that mom's parental rights have been terminated at this point. And I don't think that will happen very quickly.

2) This baby has *4* siblings. It's not ideal to think that you'll never have to deal with the birth family members ever again. This child should have an opportunity to know its siblings.

3) This is not a good decision to make under duress. Take your time. It's better the baby go to an approved foster home while things are sorted out than for you to make a hasty decision and things not go well.

Yes, that was the first thing I thought. It just seems so unlikely. Drug use does not generally result in that- Not only that, the kids were give on BACK to the mother when she was cooperating with the program. Why would they terminate her rights simply because she fell off the wagon?

And the aunt is supposedly handing this kid off to the OP so there CAN be contact between her family and the baby. Which is a situation that would make me twitch. I don't know- the whole thing makes me twitch. Who approaches a stranger and asks them to do this? Why does she think she'll have any more say in the baby's life if the OP takes her instead of the grandmother's friend?

Totally random question. Can you move foster kids out of state? Out of the country? I had assumed not because I was under the impression the state had to sign off on things like school and health records. The aunt and uncle are military...

 

[LovesTimone]

Get a attorney... who specialize in private adoption. They will be able to tell you exactly what needs to be done, look at the court filings, and take care of the fathers rights wavier. His job is to protect you, and the baby.... so that later someone can't come try to take the baby away.


I know that you said that you are in the middle of moving.

I believe that for everything God has a plan for us, and he never gives us more than we can handle. Maybe you moving into this new house and this coming up is what is suppose to happen, and could be a wonderful blessing. Just my thoughts.

Our good friends, made the decision not to have a family when they first got married. Which is funny now as they have 4 kids and a couple of Grandkids. Three of the kids were the husbands brother, he was in the military and was killed while serving his country and saving his some of his buddy's lives. His wife... well...she had some real problems, and was unable to care for them, she basically drop them off at the in-laws and walked away and signed them over without a look back. The grandparents just could not take care of 3 little ones they both had serious health problems, they were all under the age of 4 when this happened. So our friends were completely terrified that the kids would go into foster care, the rest of the family said that they would only take one each which meant splitting them up. Our friends just said that they knew what they need to do. They did not buy the vacation home they were in the middle of buying, bought a bigger house, and went the private adoption route, and while all this way going on, our friends found out that they were pregnant, which was a shock to them... but antibiotics and birth control don't mix. just saying.... Fast forward to now... They said that they were terrified to become parents, but found the strength and had faith, that this was God's plan for them. She said they never regretted it.

Faith, Hugs, and Pixie Dust

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Op here. We have not told our teenage kids anything about this situation. We were blindsided by this anyway and I see no need to nvolved our kids at this point.

I really appreciate reading these responses, as it has opened my eyes to so much!

At this point, we cannot even consider this as we are in the process of selling our house. We are moving this weekend. There is so much going on with that, we just can't even talk about this baby right now.

Honestly, while I don't recognize a feeling of guilt, I do in fact, recognize the feelings of pressure from the aunt.

I have not taken any further action on this. I have not contacted the aunt, or the foster care system. That can be done later if we choose to. It is very reassuring to read from several of you that there are parents ready and willing to nurture and love this little guy. Considering we have not planned for it or discussed it, ever, I am seeng the aunts pressure more clearly.

For now, we are focusing on our move.

I will update when I have questions or more information.

Honestly, I really appreciate everyone's comments!

Sounds like the right thing to do. (HUGS)

 

[sk!mom]

I have many many concerns.
I'm 47 years old. I know lot's of people raise children in their later years, but we were not planning for this.

We have 2 kids ages 16 and 13.

We are financially secure and can afford to care for the baby throughout childhood. (paying for DD's college is another issue). DH and I both work, so we would need to put the baby in childcare during the day.

Our new house has plenty of room, it is brand new and would not be difficult to babyproof.

We have a dog. I'm not sure how that would work out.

The baby has had a very rough start in life. I have no idea (and nobody else has any idea) of what his/her needs may be. But, that's true for any child. Still, a child born addicted to heroine...while the baby is fine now, I don't know what this has to do the developing brain. Can we handle whatever may come?

Who can we talk to about this? I have the contact information for the aunt. Should I call her? Should I find out the number for the child's caseworker? Should I get a lawyer to discuss this with?

I don't know...

Adoption agency is great advice. Often, there are Catholic charities with adoption agencies as a place to start.

I'm about your age and could not imagine adopting a baby out of the blue with potential concerns. I would do it for family in a heartbeat, but not out of the blue like you've been approached.

I know of young couples wanting to adopt so badly, but avenues haven't opened up for them. That's part of the reason I think this situation needs to be discussed with an agency. There are couples who long to care for a child and are more willing and prepared for it than I would be.

You've gotten lots of great advice regarding what adoption would entail. My take is more on the impact an adoption might have on the family that you already have. We are 3 years in to cash flowing college for our youngest- only two semesters to go. We have paid for college with only minimal hits to our savings partially because we have no more child care expenses and no other children still at home. We were able to tighten our budget and cash flow most college expenses. If taking on a new family member would compromise my ability to fund my own child's college education, that would be reason enough for me to decline.

I'm a few years ahead of you in age and I honestly could not imagine having a child in college and one still in elementary (where you'll be in a few years if you take in this child.) I'm tired and done with child rearing.

I can understand feeling pressured. I have often felt that when DH and I have been asked to do something that others judged, we could handle/afford. And possibly we could but no one gets to decide what you have the ability to do.

Good luck with your decision and prayers for these children.

 

[dhardawa]

Here is the thing. That aunt has zero say in where the baby goes. The baby is a ward of the state. Sounds like he (we'll just say he so I don't have to keep typing s/he) is placed with them as relative placement. I'm willing to bet mom's rights aren't terminated and it sounds like dad's aren't either. If the aunt and uncle don't keep the baby, he will go back into the system and be placed in another foster home or with a different family member. The aunt and uncle don't get to pick a home for him. If the rights are terminated down the road, usually the foster family gets asked if they'll adopt. If they don't, the child will be placed for adoption by the state. Even then, there is required training and the case worker chooses an adoptive family.

I guess what I'm basically trying to say is, this is highly unlikely to happen, even if you did want him. They are essentially offering you a baby who isn't theirs to offer.

 

[javeyloveschelsi]

I *personally* do not have experience in this situation (I'll note that I'm a HUGE supporter of fostering and adoption and am working on finding space in our home in hopes to foster--but I also firmly believe there needs to be a system overhaul), but have 2 very dear friends who do have experience in this. Dear friend #1 has adopted 2 little ones who were born addicted to drugs and were brought to them through foster care in not good conditions. It was an up and down, emotional rollercoaster that took years before the little ones were officially their children through adoption. This was because every time they went to court, some random relative would pop up saying they would *think* about taking them (of course nothing would ever come from it), but it would start their whole process and wait over--but, that is what the family is allowed to do, whether or not the rest of us think it is right or wrong to do that, it is the way the law works. They have had the girls in their care for 6/7 years now and do still deal with the neurological and emotional issues that comes with being born to drugs and see a therapist regularly. However, my dear friend could not have been a better placement for those two little ones and is so patient, loving, and giving those two (plus her bio kids and their current foster) the best future set up for success as possible and I know she would go through it all again as they are her babies, but it is not for the faint of heart.

Dear friend #2 essentially met a stranger who got to talking to them about taking care of her grandson and found out my dear friends were working on becoming foster parents hoping to adopt at that time...fast forward a few months later, they got contacted by that stranger asking if they were interested in adopting the little one (I do not believe he was ever in the system, mom and dad waived their rights and grandma just couldn't take care of him anymore). They went through all the appropriate channels and legal ways, but they had left such an impression on that lady's heart that she knew they would be the perfect fit for her grandson and they definitely are--it's even crazy how much their little guy looks like a combo of them, so yes, the stranger approach, though unique, is not completely out of the question, just make sure all proper channels are followed and if the baby is ward of the state, there is really not much anyone can do, especially if you are not currently a foster parent.

Do you have any friends who have adopted or fostered? Sit down and talk to them as to their experiences, who to contact, and don't be afraid to ask hard questions--if this is a possibility, you need to know the facts--good, bad, or indifferent. I have done that with one dear friend #1 and it was very eye opening, but did not discourage me from pursuing this option (actually surprise baby #4 for us is what has currently delayed our process as he has taken up our space we planned for fostering). Also, find out who to contact in your state about taking classes. Typically they are once a week for a series of so many weeks and will answer many questions or give you resources on who to contact. Also, just keep in mind, even if you follow the foster to adoption path, it does not guarantee you will be able to adopt the baby if they are put up for adoption--I have seen that as well where multiple people put in for a child, even one they have fostered in the past, just to be denied the adoption and the child sent elsewhere for adoption--it's all up to the state.

 

[momz]

Op here. Update in regards to this situation. I have more information about the parents of this little one. The mother's parental rights have been terminated by the courts as she is in prison and will most likely never be released. The father has continued to deny his paternity, even though the paternity tests confirm that he is the father.

The child is now in foster care, being cared for by a friend of the maternal grandmother. So...there remains a connection to the family there. The aunt and uncle are adopting this child's 2 older siblings (and they have 2 of their own biologic children), but they are not adopting this one. I don't know what the issue is with that, but it has something to do with the uncle being in the military and not getting "approval" for all 3 children...?

Anyway. My husband and I have decided that we are not in the right position to care for this child. Just getting approval to foster is very involved to begin with. And we have 2 teenagers that take up our attention. Plus, we just moved to a new home AND I am having my own health issues.

So, all things considered, there is a better home for this baby boy.

I appreciate all of the comments and reassurance that foster care is not a dreaded place and that there are many people ready and willing to love on this baby.

In the end, even though the aunt approached me about this situation, I have learned that the decision is not ours to make anyway. Thank you to everyone who posted, you helped me understand this.