Foster parenting/adopting

[momz]

we are having a lot of stress in our home these days. Much of it self-inflicted (moving to a new house, same neighborhood). But a new situation presented itself yesterday.

I was approached by someone yesterday who has the following sad story. And I was asked if I can help. Hubby and I have started talking, and are not sure what to do because it is such an important decision. We are considering taking a child into our home. (I am trying to avoid identifying these children, so I am not even going to state gender at this point, so please bear with me and try to make sense of my ramblings.)

The woman who contacted me is the aunt to three children who have been removed from their mother's care permanently. The children are 12, 7 and just turned 1. The woman is married to the children's uncle and they also have 2 children of their own.

The Uncle is in the military and was aware of the older 2 children, has taken an emergency 3 month leave (of which he is 2 months into) to take custody of the children. But he was surprised to find there is a third child. He has also been caring for the baby as well, but he cannot adopt the baby.

I have not met the oldest child, but I am told that this child has a lot psych/social issues, other than that I don't know anything about this oldest child. The middle child (7) was born addicted to heroine and spent 3 months in the NICU detoxing and being nursed to health. This 7 year old has developmental delays, is very shy and afraid of new people, is very small for his/her age, but does not have any physical problems that are known to the aunt/uncle.

The baby was also born addicted to heroine. The baby spent 3 weeks in NICU being nursed to health. Then, because the mother's drug tests were ok, the baby (and the 2 older kids) were sent to live with her. Until the mother stopped cooperating with her drug program. The judge has now removed all of the children from the mother (forever according to the aunt). And the aunt and uncle are taking the older two.

Back to the baby. The baby is developmentally delayed, however, in the 2 months that this baby has been with the uncle, the baby has started babbling (dada, momma), and is pulling up to stand. Is not yet cruising around the furniture, but at just 1 year, that's not necessarily a delay. Also, the baby is happy and healthy, will make eye contact, smile at faces and interact.

I know this is a long post. thank you for reading it.

My husband and I are talking about bringing this baby into our home. I am overwhelmed and have not been able to organize my thoughts and feelings on it. My husband has stated, "if we bring this baby into our family, he/she will be ours. I want to be assured that the parents cannot come back and take him/her away from us."

In one month, the family has to move to another state as the uncle is returning from his leave. The baby is to be put into the foster care system. At this point, the aunt/uncle have found a friend of the baby's paternal grandmother to foster him. However, they are concerned that there is too close of a connection to the baby's mother. They want to find a way to get the baby into a family that has no connection whatsoever. The want this baby to have a chance away from the drug addicted mother.

In regards to the father. There has been paternity testing and the courts have determined who the father is. However, the aunt reports the baby's father continues to deny paternity. She thinks that the father will give up all parental rights, although this has not happened yet. But, the father is not in the baby's life. The aunt assures me the judge has completely removed the mother's parental rights in regards to all 3 children.

 

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

Wow that is a really difficult decision. I guess putting myself in you and your husbands shoes adopting a baby is a lovely thing to do but I can imagine very stressful. My main concern is that you cite that you are already stressed and that this situation has been kind of placed on you. So I would say is now the right time? What if if does not work out? What would happen to the baby? Many things to consider.

 

[handinpocket]

Whoa! Slow down. First of all, the father's parental rights have not been terminated.....that doesn't happen over night. You aren't even for sure the Mother's rights have been terminated. Courts will try their hardest to reunite children with their natural parents, even if the parents are druggies. You only have the word of some woman who is trying to pawn off these children and trust me SHE doesn't get the final say on where and whom they go to.

 

[katie01]

Sad situation for those kids and so many like them who are born to parents with addiction My heart goes out to them.

I didn't see that you asked specifically for advice, or if you just wanted to write out your feelings about it? Because I know I sometimes need to do the latter myself, just write something out to sort my thoughts.

If you are looking for some feedback though, I was wondering if you have adopted before? Or had always wanted to and had researched it? My question would be why you specifically were approached and asked to help with his baby, if it's because someone knew you were waiting to adopt? Or this is sort of out of the blue and you are feeling pressure or guilt to do this, when it really isn't something you desired to do?

My feedback (if you wanted any!) would be dependent on the answer to that question

 

[momz]

I have many many concerns.
I'm 47 years old. I know lot's of people raise children in their later years, but we were not planning for this.

We have 2 kids ages 16 and 13.

We are financially secure and can afford to care for the baby throughout childhood. (paying for DD's college is another issue). DH and I both work, so we would need to put the baby in childcare during the day.

Our new house has plenty of room, it is brand new and would not be difficult to babyproof.

We have a dog. I'm not sure how that would work out.

The baby has had a very rough start in life. I have no idea (and nobody else has any idea) of what his/her needs may be. But, that's true for any child. Still, a child born addicted to heroine...while the baby is fine now, I don't know what this has to do the developing brain. Can we handle whatever may come?

Who can we talk to about this? I have the contact information for the aunt. Should I call her? Should I find out the number for the child's caseworker? Should I get a lawyer to discuss this with?

I don't know...

 

[momz]

Sad situation for those kids and so many like them who are born to parents with addiction My heart goes out to them.

I didn't see that you asked specifically for advice, or if you just wanted to write out your feelings about it? Because I know I sometimes need to do the latter myself, just write something out to sort my thoughts.

If you are looking for some feedback though, I was wondering if you have adopted before? Or had always wanted to and had researched it? My question would be why you specifically were approached and asked to help with his baby, if it's because someone knew you were waiting to adopt? Or this is sort of out of the blue and you are feeling pressure or guilt to do this, when it really isn't something you desired to do?

My feedback (if you wanted any!) would be dependent on the answer to that question

This was out of the blue. I work in healthcare. The aunt came to me through a mutual friend. But, I don't know why she asked me to take the baby. I didn't ask her that. She said they have one month to find a home for the baby, then the baby becomes a permanent ward of the state. She said she worries that if the baby is adopted out of foster care, she will never have contact with him/her again. She said she wants to know that the baby goes to a loving home. She worries about the baby getting "lost" in the foster system.

We have never considered adoption before. We have 2 kids of our own, ages 16 and 13.

 

[katie01]

After your update, I'm still not understanding if this is something you actually want to do? Or someone asked you to do, and you are only considering as an act of charity. If it's the latter, my advice would be don't do it. I'm an adoptive mom who is very happy with my choice to adopt, but I belong to a large network of adoptive parents and believe me when I say it is HARD to adopt a child out of an orphanage or foster care system even when you have been planning, researching, dreaming, and desperately WANTING to do it. If it's not something you wanted, it is that much harder.

And consider the fact that if the child has special needs, you may be raising them for beyond the typical 18-21 years. We are finding this out ourselves and possibly planning for a different sort of life. You mentioned being able to raise a child to adulthood, but maybe not college. Again, think of the what ifs of developmental delays and possibly long term special needs.

 

[katie01]

Oops, we posted at the same time, you updated again as I was posting

 

[momz]

Whoa! Slow down. First of all, the father's parental rights have not been terminated.....that doesn't happen over night. You aren't even for sure the Mother's rights have been terminated. Courts will try their hardest to reunite children with their natural parents, even if the parents are druggies. You only have the word of some woman who is trying to pawn off these children and trust me SHE doesn't get the final say on where and whom they go to.

I don't get the feeling that the aunt is trying to pawn off the children. The aunt is adopting the 2 older kids and is concerned about the welfare of the baby.

 

[katie01]

This was out of the blue. I work in healthcare. The aunt came to me through a mutual friend. But, I don't know why she asked me to take the baby. I didn't ask her that. She said they have one month to find a home for the baby, then the baby becomes a permanent ward of the state. She said she worries that if the baby is adopted out of foster care, she will never have contact with him/her again. She said she wants to know that the baby goes to a loving home. She worries about the baby getting "lost" in the foster system.

We have never considered adoption before. We have 2 kids of our own, ages 16 and 13.

So it sounds like this stranger chose you so they could still be involved in the child's life? How do you and your husband feel about an open adoption? You said your DH would only want to do this if there is a guarantee the child would stay with you permanently. Reunification with the birth parents is always a possibility unless the father signs off on it.

Also, you will likely need foster care certification, do you have time to complete that training in the midst of a move?

 

[momz]

After your update, I'm still not understanding if this is something you actually want to do? Or someone asked you to do, and you are only considering as an act of charity. If it's the latter, my advice would be don't do it. I'm an adoptive mom who is very happy with my choice to adopt, but I belong to a large network of adoptive parents and believe me when I say it is HARD to adopt a child out of an orphanage or foster care system even when you have been planning, researching, dreaming, and desperately WANTING to do it. If it's not something you wanted, it is that much harder.

And consider the fact that if the child has special needs, you may be raising them for beyond the typical 18-21 years. We are finding this out ourselves and possibly planning for a different sort of life. You mentioned being able to raise a child to adulthood, but maybe not college. Again, think of the what ifs of developmental delays and possibly long term special needs.

Absolutely!! Everything you say here needs to be sorted out.

I don't know my feelings for sure because I haven't sorted them out yet. I can't say that there are feelings of "guilt" though. But I would like to talk somebody about this.

I agree that there are issues that are unseen. Nobody knows what the future holds for any child, let alone a child that has had a difficult journey from the start.

I mentioned finances and that we can raise the child to adulthood. But I need to add that this child would be my child forever if we become family. I will love this child no matter what. But really, this is true for all my children. There's no guarantees whether or not your children are related biologically.

As far as "wanting" this child. Yes, I do. But, are we the right family? I want what is best for the child.

My current "feelings" are that, of course I want what is best for the baby, is that our family? I don't know.

Who can I talk to about that? How can we sort that out?

 

[momz]

So it sounds like this stranger chose you so they could still be involved in the child's life? How do you and your husband feel about an open adoption? You said your DH would only want to do this if there is a guarantee the child would stay with you permanently. Reunification with the birth parents is always a possibility unless the father signs off on it.

Also, you will likely need foster care certification, do you have time to complete that training in the midst of a move?

What does "open adoption" mean? and yes, if we bring this baby into our lives, it would be forever.

There will be no rushing into things though. We have so many questions.

What does foster care certification training involve?

 

[katie01]

Absolutely!! Everything you say here needs to be sorted out.

I don't know my feelings for sure because I haven't sorted them out yet. I can't say that there are feelings of "guilt" though. But I would like to talk somebody about this.

I agree that there are issues that are unseen. Nobody knows what the future holds for any child, let alone a child that has had a difficult journey from the start.

I mentioned finances and that we can raise the child to adulthood. But I need to add that this child would be my child forever if we become family. I will love this child no matter what. But really, this is true for all my children. There's no guarantees whether or not your children are related biologically.

As far as "wanting" this child. Yes, I do. But, are we the right family? I want what is best for the child.

My current "feelings" are that, of course I want what is best for the baby, is that our family? I don't know.

Who can I talk to about that? How can we sort that out?

I would say contacting an adoption social worker with a local adoption agency would be a good place to start.

What does "open adoption" mean? and yes, if we bring this baby into our lives, it would be forever.

There will be no rushing into things though. We have so many questions.

What does foster care certification training involve?

An open adoption is when the birth family is known to the adoptive family. There are different levels of openness, sometimes there are visits with the birth family, sometimes letters. Sometimes on an annual basis, sometimes more, but this might be somewhat different in that it's an aunt who contacted you, not the birth mother or father.

As far as foster care certification, it's been over a decade since we adopted, so I'm sure things have changed, and that it varies by state. In our case, we were adopting a child through international adoption, who was fully and legally already cleared for adoption, so it would be different than a child who is still waiting parental termination of rights. We still needed the foster care certification though as part of our process. It involved a homestudy, fees, and meeting with a social worker on a regular basis.

Best of luck in your decision making, it's great that you are thinking it all through and giving it careful consideration!

 

[momz]

I would say contacting an adoption social worker with a local adoption agency would be a good place to start.



An open adoption is when the birth family is known to the adoptive family. There are different levels of openness, sometimes there are visits with the birth family, sometimes letters. Sometimes on an annual basis, sometimes more, but this might be somewhat different in that it's an aunt who contacted you, not the birth mother or father.

As far as foster care certification, it's been over a decade since we adopted, so I'm sure things have changed, and that it varies by state. In our case, we were adopting a child through international adoption, who was fully and legally already cleared for adoption, so it would be different than a child who is still waiting parental termination of rights. We still needed the foster care certification though as part of our process. It involved a homestudy, fees, and meeting with a social worker on a regular basis.

Best of luck in your decision making, it's great that you are thinking it all through and giving it careful consideration!

Thank you. I will find an adoption agency and make an appointment to talk with a social worker. Thanks for the advise on that. I didn't even know where to go for help sorting this out. It's not a decision that can be made simply by talking with the aunt. And I think we need to talk with someone who can see the situation unencumbered by emotion.

 

[katie01]

Thank you. I will find an adoption agency and make an appointment to talk with a social worker. Thanks for the advise on that. I didn't even know where to go for help sorting this out. It's not a decision that can be made simply by talking with the aunt. And I think we need to talk with someone who can see the situation unencumbered by emotion.

No problem. I hope it all works out for the best for everyone and that the baby ends up in a loving home, whether it is yours, or someone else's. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Yes, you absolutely need to talk to the caseworker. Lots of info you don't know about. One thing I would say is that, depending on where you are, the aunt and uncle may not be able to do what they plan - adopt two and leave the baby to go into foster care. In some areas there is high priority on keeping siblings together, and they may feel it is preferable for all three to go into foster care together rather than separate the baby. I know a couple personally who were fostering with plans to adopt a toddler; the toddler's mother then had another baby that was taken into care. The couple I know were asked if they would also take the new baby, and they said no. Their toddler was then taken away from them and placed with another family that was willing to take both the toddler and new baby as foster children. Broke their hearts.

 

[momz]

Yes, you absolutely need to talk to the caseworker. Lots of info you don't know about. One thing I would say is that, depending on where you are, the aunt and uncle may not be able to do what they plan - adopt two and leave the baby to go into foster care. In some areas there is high priority on keeping siblings together, and they may feel it is preferable for all three to go into foster care together rather than separate the baby. I know a couple personally who were fostering with plans to adopt a toddler; the toddler's mother then had another baby that was taken into care. The couple I know were asked if they would also take the new baby, and they said no. Their toddler was then taken away from them and placed with another family that was willing to take both the toddler and new baby as foster children. Broke their hearts.

That is the exact situation we want to avoid!

 

[Southernmiss]

Adoption agency is great advice. Often, there are Catholic charities with adoption agencies as a place to start.

I'm about your age and could not imagine adopting a baby out of the blue with potential concerns. I would do it for family in a heartbeat, but not out of the blue like you've been approached.

I know of young couples wanting to adopt so badly, but avenues haven't opened up for them. That's part of the reason I think this situation needs to be discussed with an agency. There are couples who long to care for a child and are more willing and prepared for it than I would be.

 

[Allison]

I know of young couples wanting to adopt so badly, but avenues haven't opened up for them. That's part of the reason I think this situation needs to be discussed with an agency. There are couples who long to care for a child and are more willing and prepared for it than I would be.

I completely agree with this.

 

[momz]

Adoption agency is great advice. Often, there are Catholic charities with adoption agencies as a place to start.

I'm about your age and could not imagine adopting a baby out of the blue with potential concerns. I would do it for family in a heartbeat, but not out of the blue like you've been approached.

I know of young couples wanting to adopt so badly, but avenues haven't opened up for them. That's part of the reason I think this situation needs to be discussed with an agency. There are couples who long to care for a child and are more willing and prepared for it than I would be.

This is very sound advice. Thank you. I don't know what the aunt has done to find a home for this baby prior to approaching me.

The way I understand it, the baby has already been vetted into the foster care system, and will be living with a friend of the paternal grandmother once the aunt and uncle move back to base housing. It turns out the mother is in jail, and the kids were all put into the foster care system. This is when the Uncle was able to get emergency leave to come and get them. But, I'm not understanding completely why they are taking just the older 2. The aunt said something about needing to file some paperwork with the military and when they completed the paperwork, it was just for the older 2. I don't know...

Now from what you all are saying, it is unusual that the foster system would let them take only 2? The aunt indicated they are working to adopt the older 2. Why would they be able to get two and not the baby?

Putting the story out here has helped. We haven't told anybody in real life about this. I have more questions than answers. Some questions that I didn't think of even this morning.