Foster parenting/adopting

[Allison]

I'm going to be honest. I don't think you should even consider this. This is not a situation where you felt your family wasn't complete or you had a desire to bring another child into your home. Your kids are teenagers, you both have jobs, you are in your late 40s, the future needs of the child are unknown, the situation with the father is unclear, family is involved that appear to want to continue to be involved with the child which has its own uncertainities. This is not something I would get involved in.

 

[wenrob]

Adoption agency is great advice. Often, there are Catholic charities with adoption agencies as a place to start.

I'm about your age and could not imagine adopting a baby out of the blue with potential concerns. I would do it for family in a heartbeat, but not out of the blue like you've been approached.

I know of young couples wanting to adopt so badly, but avenues haven't opened up for them. That's part of the reason I think this situation needs to be discussed with an agency. There are couples who long to care for a child and are more willing and prepared for it than I would be.

The bold were my initial thoughts. For my siblings, one of their kids or a cousin/one of their kids absolutely, wouldn't even hesitate but having one already raised up and the others halfway there to start over at this age out of nowhere? This just seems so very...off. Why you? Clearly, you are good person but something just doesn't feel right. I would contact the case worker and see if you can get a clearer picture from them.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I don't think it's something I'm unselfish enough to do, but I'm glad there are people out there who are called to it.

The main thing that comes to my mind is how this would affect your other children: in the short term - taking a lot of your time and attention from them, in the medium term - as you attempt to help them financially with college, and in the long term - if this baby turns out to have lifelong disabilities, his or her care may fall to them. How do they feel about the whole idea?

 

[Gracedis1]

I don't think there is anything to feel guilty about if you decide not to go forward with adoption. The baby will definitely be adopted by someone. Open adoption is the norm now, and children that young won't stay in foster care long. If you do not feel like your family is complete then you should consider it, but not out of guilt.

 

[PaulaSB12]

we are having a lot of stress in our home these days. Much of it self-inflicted (moving to a new house, same neighborhood). But a new situation presented itself yesterday.

I was approached by someone yesterday who has the following sad story. And I was asked if I can help. Hubby and I have started talking, and are not sure what to do because it is such an important decision. We are considering taking a child into our home. (I am trying to avoid identifying these children, so I am not even going to state gender at this point, so please bear with me and try to make sense of my ramblings.)

The woman who contacted me is the aunt to three children who have been removed from their mother's care permanently. The children are 12, 7 and just turned 1. The woman is married to the children's uncle and they also have 2 children of their own.

The Uncle is in the military and was aware of the older 2 children, has taken an emergency 3 month leave (of which he is 2 months into) to take custody of the children. But he was surprised to find there is a third child. He has also been caring for the baby as well, but he cannot adopt the baby.

I have not met the oldest child, but I am told that this child has a lot psych/social issues, other than that I don't know anything about this oldest child. The middle child (7) was born addicted to heroine and spent 3 months in the NICU detoxing and being nursed to health. This 7 year old has developmental delays, is very shy and afraid of new people, is very small for his/her age, but does not have any physical problems that are known to the aunt/uncle.

The baby was also born addicted to heroine. The baby spent 3 weeks in NICU being nursed to health. Then, because the mother's drug tests were ok, the baby (and the 2 older kids) were sent to live with her. Until the mother stopped cooperating with her drug program. The judge has now removed all of the children from the mother (forever according to the aunt). And the aunt and uncle are taking the older two.

Back to the baby. The baby is developmentally delayed, however, in the 2 months that this baby has been with the uncle, the baby has started babbling (dada, momma), and is pulling up to stand. Is not yet cruising around the furniture, but at just 1 year, that's not necessarily a delay. Also, the baby is happy and healthy, will make eye contact, smile at faces and interact.

I know this is a long post. thank you for reading it.

My husband and I are talking about bringing this baby into our home. I am overwhelmed and have not been able to organize my thoughts and feelings on it. My husband has stated, "if we bring this baby into our family, he/she will be ours. I want to be assured that the parents cannot come back and take him/her away from us."

In one month, the family has to move to another state as the uncle is returning from his leave. The baby is to be put into the foster care system. At this point, the aunt/uncle have found a friend of the baby's paternal grandmother to foster him. However, they are concerned that there is too close of a connection to the baby's mother. They want to find a way to get the baby into a family that has no connection whatsoever. The want this baby to have a chance away from the drug addicted mother.

In regards to the father. There has been paternity testing and the courts have determined who the father is. However, the aunt reports the baby's father continues to deny paternity. She thinks that the father will give up all parental rights, although this has not happened yet. But, the father is not in the baby's life. The aunt assures me the judge has completely removed the mother's parental rights in regards to all 3 children.

Has anything been done to find the father/s of the children? do that first the father/s may be able and willing to raise their children.

 

[MommyinHonduras]

I understand your husbands feelings. We took a baby into our family at 4 weeks old with no history of family. We raised him with no contact from the family in over 2 years and then one day received word grandma agreed to take him, three weeks after he was gone. He is my profile picture and my husband and the rest of my family are still really struggling. This was about 9 weeks ago. Nothing is a given until all paperwork is signed and that would take time and lots of time for a blood relative to step forward and they will get first option. Please talk and know the risks. We would have still loved on him for those 2 years, he is still my son. But we were not prepared for a quick and abrupt goodbye. (Side note we are foster parents but we are fostering in Honduras so I am speaking on the heart level not the legal level) We were 14 months into the legal adoption process but it ceased as a blood family member stepped forward for the child. We are trying to build a relationship with the family so we can be a part of his life going forward but that is all on his family to allow or not.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I could be wrong. I tend to think in worst case scenario.

But. I think it sounds like a hot mess. I think there is just something off about the whole situation. If the aunt really wanted that baby to not go into foster care, she'd keep the kid. I'm doubting that she has the right to decide where the baby goes, and I think you're taking a big risk because neither parent has signed over their rights. There is really no good reason for the father to have not, especially if he's denying paternity. If the mother has not, I think it's a pretty clear sign that she's hoping for reunification. I know you said the aunt said that the courts negated parental rights, but not only can that be reversed, the mother and her family are only one side of the equation. The uncle is the blood relative, am I right? If so, why is the aunt- the nonblood relative even approaching you? I think it's strange that they're trying to hand the kid off to a stranger because they don't want the baby to go to someone they've deemed "too close" to the mom. Yet that friend of the grandmother's has presumably met these kids. Knows them, knows way more about the situation and the kids than you would.

It doesn't sound like you've fostered before, and I think if you go into it thinking that you're giving her a permanent home, you could get hurt.

Aside from all from all that, if you're serious about this, you need to ask the aunt to put you into touch with the kid's caseworker. You don't even know if you'd be allowed to take the baby. You need to know more about both the child's legal status and potential special needs. As someone else mentioned- it's not necessarily until the kid reaches 18. It could be for much longer than that. I know folks who take in special needs foster kids and I have a lot of respect for them- but that idea terrifies me, because I've seen some of what they go through.

 

[Gracie09]

You have to become educated about the foster care process. You have to become licensed and that involves extensive background checks fingerprinting interviews etc. then you have to take and pass a class. Fostering is temporary. Going in to it for something permanent is a road to heartbreak. Does it happen - sure, but not always. Biological family has priority over nonblood. You said they are concerned about the grandmothers connection to the mother. Who is they? Unless it's the state it doesn't matter. The father also has rights and through him, his family. The state will exhaust all possible connections with relatives before looking for an adoptive family that is not related. And even then, the current foster parents usually but not always have priority.
The process can be long and emotional. We are five years past when dd was placed with us. Four years since filing for adoption and tpr (our fostering situation was private through an agency that contracted with the state, so we did the actual legal legwork). Over theee years since tpr was granted. We have been through appeals to the state Supreme Court. A hearing over Christmas about visitation rights and the best interest of our dd - ordered by the Supreme Court. Remand and retrial due to a technicality not caught by our original atty. A six day retrial. Tpr was again granted and now an appeal was filed again.
Our case is not normal. In fact I've been told my multiple people to write a book because it's such a study of what can go wrong with the system. But it's not something that is abnormal- well the two times to the Supreme Court is a bit unusual. And we had no relatives come in and say they want to take our dd in. If that happened pretty much any time until finalization we would lose.
You want to help this baby. That's great. But you need to know what you are potentially getting into. There is no guarantee that you will ultimately be able to adopt this child. There is no guarantee about the time line (my joke is ours will end someday. At some point dd turns 18). If you are not prepared to deal with the potential consequences then do not take the child. Yes she will go into foster care. But the vast majority of this homes are living stable environments that are equipped to handle special need ands the transition back to mother or to an adoptive placement. That's what they do

 

[cabanafrau]

Has anything been done to find the father/s of the children? do that first the father/s may be able and willing to raise their children.

If uncle has been allowed to proceed with adopting the older two, either the fathers have been identified and their rights have been terminated, for whatever reason, or they've never been identified and rights have been terminated for abandonment -- after legal notices were published to allow them to step forward if they wanted to claim their child.

Father of baby number three has been identified, and is denying parentage nonetheless. That means this baby is not free to be offered up for adoption at this point. That baby can only be fostered until dad's rights are terminated. It may be they are awaiting a legal timeline to elapse before proceeding against the father's rights. Despite being identified as the father and denying parentage or stepping up to help care for his child, it's extremely likely the father will not voluntarily sign a release of rights. Happens all the time, won't step up to do a thing for their child, but will require a legal process to take place against them so they can blame the state for "taking" their child.

OP, something is very not right with this situation. It is unusual there would be approval to split up the siblings. At the very least it's expected the state would have requirements that regular, ongoing contact between the siblings occur. The baby is NOT available for adoption until dad's rights are severed. Even then it's beyond unlikely the uncle is the one calling the shots regarding where baby goes.

 

[tzolkin]

OP, something is very not right with this situation. It is unusual there would be approval to split up the siblings. At the very least it's expected the state would have requirements that regular, ongoing contact between the siblings occur. The baby is NOT available for adoption until dad's rights are severed. Even then it's beyond unlikely the uncle is the one calling the shots regarding where baby goes.

I think it's likely that there has been no approval about splitting up the siblings, but maybe the uncle/aunt do not feel comfortable taking on the responsibility of a baby. So, perhaps they are trying to find a suitable family willing to take the baby and then they plan to request legal approval for this arrangement?

OP definitely needs to speak to a case worker to find out what's actually going on in this situation and whether the baby is even available for foster care/adoption or if this is just wishful thinking by the aunt and uncle.

 

[DawnM]

As I understand it, unless the parents sign away parental rights IN COURT, they can come back and claim the baby. And I think once the child is signed away, there is still a period of time they can come back. Please check on that.

I have dear, dear friend who took in SEVEN kids. Long story, all siblings. Fostered for 1 year. Fostered to adopt with parental rights signed off, etc....but the state still had a 1 year period of time just in case the parents changed their minds.

Not even one month left, and these kids were YANKED away from her. She had bonded for almost 2 years. She had even homeschooled them to get them up to academic speed due to so much turmoil of being separated for years into 5 different homes, etc....

It was gut wrenching.

 

[morgan98]

First off, I do not have experience with adoption or fostering, so take this with a grain of salt. I am just confused on how this aunt has any right to find a parent for the baby? I mean it does not sound like parental rights have been terminated. It is not the aunt's child. She says she has one month to find a home for the child? Perhaps (hopefully) she does have good intentions. I am just not so sure she is in control of the situation as she sounds. The baby may need to go to foster care while the state sorts things out.

I also agree with the other posters about this being a huge commitment. One you were not even looking for. I think you need to think long and hard about what this will do to your family instead of getting involved in a race against the clock by the above mentioned aunt.

 

[cabanafrau]

As I understand it, unless the parents sign away parental rights IN COURT, they can come back and claim the baby. And I think once the child is signed away, there is still a period of time they can come back. Please check on that.

I have dear, dear friend who took in SEVEN kids. Long story, all siblings. Fostered for 1 year. Fostered to adopt with parental rights signed off, etc....but the state still had a 1 year period of time just in case the parents changed their minds.

Not even one month left, and these kids were YANKED away from her. She had bonded for almost 2 years. She had even homeschooled them to get them up to academic speed due to so much turmoil of being separated for years into 5 different homes, etc....

It was gut wrenching.

I don't know where you live, but the heart of these types of laws are pretty similar in all of the states. Even voluntary termination of parental rights does not allow for a parent to change their mind. With involuntary terminations the only possibility of change is were the terminating court to be reversed on legal appeal by a higher court. My job once centered solely in termination of parental rights cases, therefore I was involved in literally a couple hundred of them. None was successfully overturned on appeal. Adoption cannot be pursued until all legal appeals have been exhausted. Here in Michigan a parent has to file for appeal within 42 days of termination. The appeal process then can take a good amount of time, often even more than a year.

 

[Gracie09]

I don't know where you live, but the heart of these types of laws are pretty similar in all of the states. Even voluntary termination of parental rights does not allow for a parent to change their mind. With involuntary terminations the only possibility of change is were the terminating court to be reversed on legal appeal by a higher court. My job once centered solely in termination of parental rights cases, therefore I was involved in literally a couple hundred of them. None was successfully overturned on appeal. Adoption cannot be pursued until all legal appeals have been exhausted. Here in Michigan a parent has to file for appeal within 42 days of termination. The appeal process then can take a good amount of time, often even more than a year.

I agree. Although it is not my job, I have been hip deep in adoption laws for years. In my state, it 48 hours, 72 if its a hospital surrender, to change your mind in a voluntary situation. In a TPR, the birth parent has 21 days to appeal, if they don't that is it. Now appeals can take years. We hope that our current one will be done this year because our case was expedited by the Supreme Court, but you never know. After TPR, finalization can happen after 21 days. but if the child has not been living with the family for at least 6 months, they will hold off finalizing until 6 months has past.
I don't know the specifics of the PP's friends case, but there are things that make me go huh - homeschooling is strictly forbidden in my state until and unless there is a finalized adoption. A year for a birth parent to change her mind, no. Children in placement for multiple years returned to a birth parent with no transition planning. Things just don't add up. It makes me wonder if the kids were actually free for adoption or if the tpr was appealed and the birth mother won the appeal

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree. Although it is not my job, I have been hip deep in adoption laws for years. In my state, it 48 hours, 72 if its a hospital surrender, to change your mind in a voluntary situation. In a TPR, the birth parent has 21 days to appeal, if they don't that is it. Now appeals can take years. We hope that our current one will be done this year because our case was expedited by the Supreme Court, but you never know. After TPR, finalization can happen after 21 days. but if the child has not been living with the family for at least 6 months, they will hold off finalizing until 6 months has past.
I don't know the specifics of the PP's friends case, but there are things that make me go huh - homeschooling is strictly forbidden in my state until and unless there is a finalized adoption. A year for a birth parent to change her mind, no. Children in placement for multiple years returned to a birth parent with no transition planning. Things just don't add up. It makes me wonder if the kids were actually free for adoption or if the tpr was appealed and the birth mother won the appeal

I have no experience with newborn surrender situations. In cases where a newborn infant was involved it was because a parent(s) was prevented from leaving the hospital with baby after birth, often because their other children were already in care and wards of the state. Many times the timeline of TPR slowed down because of the pending birth of a new sibling and the legal clock for that child having a different start point.

The voluntary surrenders I was speaking of occurred during the process of attempting to reunify the family after the children have been taken into care, or sometimes parents surrender at the nth hour when TPR is unavoidable. Sickening when they get two and a half years to work toward reunifying, make zero progress, force TPR proceedings to go down to the wire and then surrender at the end -- then turn around and file a legal appeal, holding things up for at least ten months minimum.

 

[punkin]

Having dealt with the foster care system for several years with my niece, I would honestly say I would never do foster to adopt for a non-family member. I was on an emotional rollercoaster for over 2 years and my ride was nowhere near as bad as my poor niece's. I could never get a straight answer from anyone, and the system's number one priority is reunification, no matter what kind of abuse happened in the past. The ONLY reason I got her was because her father refused to acknowledge the abuse, and blamed her for everything and told the therapist many times that as soon as the state was out of his business he'd make sure the child would be sorry she caused all this trouble...and still it took almost 3 years.

Now, I might do pure fostering, where I knew I would give up the child from the beginning.

 

[meagarunt22]

I say do it. Here's why. You are already concerned enough to have had serious discussions about it and I believe if you don't, you will always wonder what if and most likely feel guilty the rest of your life. You will love that baby like your own and it will be so incredibly special each time he/she learns something new because you will know what he/she has had to overcome and that you've been responsible for these new milestones being reached. What a wonderful opportunity you have to make an actual, tangible difference in someone's life, as well as your own. I say go for it.

 

[Gracie09]

I have no experience with newborn surrender situations. In cases where a newborn infant was involved it was because a parent(s) was prevented from leaving the hospital with baby after birth, often because their other children were already in care and wards of the state. Many times the timeline of TPR slowed down because of the pending birth of a new sibling and the legal clock for that child having a different start point.

The voluntary surrenders I was speaking of occurred during the process of attempting to reunify the family after the children have been taken into care, or sometimes parents surrender at the nth hour when TPR is unavoidable. Sickening when they get two and a half years to work toward reunifying, make zero progress, force TPR proceedings to go down to the wire and then surrender at the end -- then turn around and file a legal appeal, holding things up for at least ten months minimum.

I only know about voluntary surrenders in my state because it was one of the many issues that we were dealing with in our case. Did my dds bm surrender her? and did she revoke that surrender in the allotted time. You would think it was cut and dry. but no. It wasn't.

 

[katie01]

I say do it. Here's why. You are already concerned enough to have had serious discussions about it and I believe if you don't, you will always wonder what if and most likely feel guilty the rest of your life. You will love that baby like your own and it will be so incredibly special each time he/she learns something new because you will know what he/she has had to overcome and that you've been responsible for these new milestones being reached. What a wonderful opportunity you have to make an actual, tangible difference in someone's life, as well as your own. I say go for it.

I am not saying the OP should do it or should not do it. But I have to say that guilt is an absolutely horrible reason to adopt a child. There is no reason why the OP should feel like they HAVE to adopt this child or feel guilty for NOT wanting to adopt this child. It's not a family member, and even then, one should not agree to take on a lifetime of care for a child they are only adopting out of guilt. Please read up on what adoptees have to say about adoptive parents who adopt out of guilt or because they feel like they are "rescuing" a child. There is generally a huge amount of resentment on the part of the child. There are SO many people out there who want to adopt because they are prepared for it, and want to adopt more than anything else on this earth. If the OP doesn't feel like this is something they really want to do, with their whole heart and soul, they should let one of those other families out there adopt. Every child, and especially a child who has already been relinquished by the birth family, deserves to be loved and wanted, not taken in out of guilt.

I am not trying to pick on you at all for your post, I truly know you mean well and want to see this child find a home. But I don't want to see a bad situation worse by someone feeling pressured to do something out of shame or guilt when that will actually have likely the opposite of the desired effect and not be in the best interest of either the child or the adoptive parents. https://www.thespruce.com/reasons-not-to-adopt-a-child-26585

 

[cabanafrau]

Having dealt with the foster care system for several years with my niece, I would honestly say I would never do foster to adopt for a non-family member. I was on an emotional rollercoaster for over 2 years and my ride was nowhere near as bad as my poor niece's. I could never get a straight answer from anyone, and the system's number one priority is reunification, no matter what kind of abuse happened in the past. The ONLY reason I got her was because her father refused to acknowledge the abuse, and blamed her for everything and told the therapist many times that as soon as the state was out of his business he'd make sure the child would be sorry she caused all this trouble...and still it took almost 3 years.

Now, I might do pure fostering, where I knew I would give up the child from the beginning.

The child was removed for chronic physical abuse and it still didn't go directly to TPR? That is strange. For understandable reasons the statutes prioritize reunification, but when there is systemic abuse the norm here is to move directly to TPR. I'm sure you felt very frustrated with the system, for good reason. I would be willing to bet there were several players from within the system equally as frustrated on behalf of your niece and yourself, with their hands tied by legal restraints.


Most people hear of kids being removed from their parents and assume abuse. That's not generally the case. Children are removed under neglect and abuse proceedings, with the most common cause by far being neglect. Another poster recently had a thread about potentially taking in a minor family member and the situation she outlined was one of neglect by the parents, which is also very damaging to children.