For those who like to read other people's family drama's UPDATE

[LBelle]

Not flaming you, but which is it? Either you can pay your mortgage with emergency funds, or you can't pay your mortgage without the $950 in your account.

Okay....I do agree with this. I was a bit kerfuddled while reading the post but went with the last info. re: having emergency funds.

I imagine this was not what they would have considered an emergency (losing a job, illness, etc.) to have to use this money for.

 

[N&B'smom]

The money was given TEMPORARILY and was supposed to be paid back immediately. When the OP's brother didn't return the money to her in some way, that's stolen in my book.

Shelby

 

[shirleyb]

To the OP, sorry that you're in this situation. Stick to your guns, and don't bail him out again.

 

[babytrees]

It's called "hope". Hope that "this time" things would be different, hope that her brother was making the changes in his life that he said he was, hope that things were turning around. And trusting once more that he meant what he said.

I don't think the OP's post has all that much to do with the money and I'm sure she's angry with herself as much as she's angry with her brother for risking such a large amount. But it sounded like (to me) that she was more sad and disappointed that her brother would take advantage of his own sister and abuse the trust she placed in him. If you saw her post earlier, she was terrified that something had happened to him. Now she finds out that he's perfectly fine, but ignoring her and letting her worry AND seems to have no intention of repaying the money.

To the OP, I hope you will stick to your guns about not lending your brother any more money since he's made it clear he can't/won't repay. But it sounds like you do love him (family relationships can be so complicated!) so I hope you find a way to love him without having to necessarily trust or rely on him, just for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Good luck.

You put it so eloquently...all I can say is ditto.

 

[LindaR]

I guess some would call it "hope", but some would call it "enabling". You cannot hope a person changes. You cannot wish a person changes. You cannot help a person into changing. That person must make the decision to change AND make the changes on their own. When you keep giving assistance, you enable that person to continue with the very behavior that you are complaining about.

And if you come to a public board to post private family matters, don't be surprised if everyone does not agree with your point of view!

I am not unsympathetic. I am a realist. Yep, it's sad........but the OP is not a victim of a crime. She gave money of her own free will, it just wasn't handled the way she wanted it to be handled.

 

[LBelle]

It's called "hope". Hope that "this time" things would be different, hope that her brother was making the changes in his life that he said he was, hope that things were turning around. And trusting once more that he meant what he said.

I don't think the OP's post has all that much to do with the money and I'm sure she's angry with herself as much as she's angry with her brother for risking such a large amount. But it sounded like (to me) that she was more sad and disappointed that her brother would take advantage of his own sister and abuse the trust she placed in him. If you saw her post earlier, she was terrified that something had happened to him. Now she finds out that he's perfectly fine, but ignoring her and letting her worry AND seems to have no intention of repaying the money.

To the OP, I hope you will stick to your guns about not lending your brother any more money since he's made it clear he can't/won't repay. But it sounds like you do love him (family relationships can be so complicated!) so I hope you find a way to love him without having to necessarily trust or rely on him, just for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Good luck.

You got it!!!!!

 

[Ranatra]

I know what you're feeling.

I have a brother exactly like yours.

 

[mytwotinks]

It's called "hope". Hope that "this time" things would be different, hope that her brother was making the changes in his life that he said he was, hope that things were turning around. And trusting once more that he meant what he said.

I don't think the OP's post has all that much to do with the money and I'm sure she's angry with herself as much as she's angry with her brother for risking such a large amount. But it sounded like (to me) that she was more sad and disappointed that her brother would take advantage of his own sister and abuse the trust she placed in him. If you saw her post earlier, she was terrified that something had happened to him. Now she finds out that he's perfectly fine, but ignoring her and letting her worry AND seems to have no intention of repaying the money.

To the OP, I hope you will stick to your guns about not lending your brother any more money since he's made it clear he can't/won't repay. But it sounds like you do love him (family relationships can be so complicated!) so I hope you find a way to love him without having to necessarily trust or rely on him, just for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Good luck.

This is so true and only someone who has had to deal with user would understand. Even though they prove to us over and over what they are, we are always hoping that this is the time that they will come through.

I've had to cut my db out of my life too. My parents think that I am evil, but I have been used one too many times. Most "users" are very manipulative and if you don't distance yourself from them you will be right back to "enabling" them.

My db could steal money out of my purse while I watched and convince me that I owe him more! These people do this because they are good at it. It's like a sick talent.

I hope you get your $$$ back!

 

[sugarpie]

I guess some would call it "hope", but some would call it "enabling". You cannot hope a person changes. You cannot wish a person changes. You cannot help a person into changing. That person must make the decision to change AND make the changes on their own. When you keep giving assistance, you enable that person to continue with the very behavior that you are complaining about.

I agree, but unless you've been in the situation where someone you love is at rock bottom it's hard not to help, even when you've been burned by them before.

 

[rhanditresmom]

Been there and I feel for you. I just learned that whatever money I *loaned* was going to actually be a gift. I just don't *loan* money much anymore.

And it hurts, cause I want nothing more than to help and protect my siblings, but I have my own family now.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

I'm sorry this happened but you are doing the right thing.

My mom has gone through very similar things with her brother. My parents had loaned him their only car once so he could move his stuff. He didn't give it back and his excuse was "Oh, well I thought you were selling it so I was just going to take it and buy it from you". Uh...right. His whole family basically gave up trying to help him. Finally (!) he is leaving wife #3 (lets just say she has gone mental and all her children even lost hope in her) and is trying to do something with his life. Maybe there is hope for your brother also. I understand why you tried to help him. My mom did too, until she was burned one too many times and realized she was hurting herself more than anything trying to "save" her brother who didn't want it.

 

[DizBelle]

Lesson to be learned: always consider money you give to a friend or relative as a GIFT, never a LOAN. If you can't give it to them and be okay if they never give it back, don't give it in the first place.

 

[MushyMushy]

Lesson to be learned: always consider money you give to a friend or relative as a GIFT, never a LOAN. If you can't give it to them and be okay if they never give it back, don't give it in the first place.

That's my philosophy! Money and relationships don't mix well.

Also, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

[KadysMom]

I would handle things a little differently. I would be waiting at the cottage and would confront him right there. no hiding!!

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I think that it's really wrong for people to be ragging on the OP. Look, this is her brother. She wanted to believe that he could change. It's tough to give up hope on a family member that you love deeply. It's even harder when that person is your sibling.

My mother gave good money after bad to her brother, hoping that this time it would be different. It took her the better part of 50 years to wise up, and she did end up cutting ties with him finally. I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to do that with your sibling, but some people will take advantage of anyone given the opportunity. It sounds like the OP's brother falls into this category.

 

[LBelle]

I think that it's really wrong for people to be ragging on the OP. Look, this is her brother. She wanted to believe that he could change. It's tough to give up hope on a family member that you love deeply. It's even harder when that person is your sibling.

My mother gave good money after bad to her brother, hoping that this time it would be different. It took her the better part of 50 years to wise up, and she did end up cutting ties with him finally. I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to do that with your sibling, but some people will take advantage of anyone given the opportunity. It sounds like the OP's brother falls into this category.

So true!!! My Mother has a DSis and a Dbro who have been nothing but a financial drain on her. Always saying things about her 'upper crust' lifestyle while they wallow around in welfare heaven!!!! I have asked her soooo many times why she continues to bail them out of their financial messes!!! They have never been appreciative of all she's done either. Makes me sick!!!!

 

[rockbottomsound]

Don't feel too bad, I was actually expecting a much worse story, (shooting, drugs) something of that sort.

Look on the bright side, one less person you have to buy anything for at Christmas now.

 

[rie'smom]

Maybe she loaned the money because like many of us she hopes that someone we love can change for the better.
OP,I'm very sorry that your brother let you down and I pray that things work out so you get back your money.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Thank you all for the support and replies.

Don't worry too much about the posters who feel they need to tell me something they don't think I already know. I am an idiot. I have lent money to brother in the past, and he has burned me. I had shut him off for years. Everytime he would call, the first thing I would say once I heard his voice is "I have no money." It was no, plain and simple. He called in November looking to be bailed out of jail. I knew nobody else in the family could do it. I could, but I didn't. Jail would be good for him.

I have not "enabled" him in years. Others have, but not me. Why did I write this check out? Because I thought he was changing. He was coming back here, he wanted to be with the family again. HA. The ONLY reason I wrote the check out was he ASSURED me he had the money back in CA. He sold his bedroom set. He was going back to pack and get the money for his bedroom set. This was not a "hey I'll catch up with you on payday." I even grilled him on how trustworthy this "friend" was who was buying the furniture. He assured me the guy would have the money and he would send it to me for Friday.

As for my OP saying I can't pay my mortgage, maybe I should of but quotation marks around it. As far as my brother is concerned, I CAN'T pay my mortgage. He has no idea I have enough money to cover my mortgage. That is what is so hurtful. All he knows is that money is for my mortgage, and he stiffed me. It is a real eye opener. I had him shut off for years, this would of been a perfect opportunity for him to show me he has changed, and all he did was prove to me I can NEVER trust him. He is not just a jerk, he is a criminal. If you knew the amounts of money he owes various family members, it would astound you. Agian, you are probably saying "and...?" Sure it is my fault I lent him the money on good faith and got screwed. I am not denying that. I just wanted to come here and vent. I'll take my 30 whacks, thanks.

ETA: Just to be clear, the check was never written as a loan. The landlord allowed me to post date it a week, to give my brother the opportunity to get the funds to me, so I could put it in my account. The $950 was never intended to come out of my money. I took a huge risk writing that check. But I would not call it a loan. I guess it would be called a "float"?

 

[momof2inPA]

I'll be the voice of dissent on this thread. Don't let money come between you and your brother. When this incident is resolved one way or another, either with you getting your money back or not, put it behind you and try to have a relationship with your brother that doesn't involve money at all.