For those who like to read other people's family drama's UPDATE

[wilderness01]

I'll be the voice of dissent on this thread. Don't let money come between you and your brother. When this incident is resolved one way or another, either with you getting your money back or not, put it behind you and try to have a relationship with your brother that doesn't involve money at all.

It seems to be more about trust and respect than the money. I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who disrespected me this much and didn't care if I myself couldn't pay my bills. Yet alone lying to my face. Sorry, there would be no relationship if it were me and it would have nothing to do with the money. I am sorry this happened to you OP.

 

[mking624]

OP, I know my mom would be able to relate to you very well. She lent a large sum of money to her brother who claimed to be in dire need. They're not exactly best buds, but this was her brother and she hated to see him going through such a difficult financial time. It was very clear the money was a loan, not a gift. Things got interesting when my mom began to ask for the money back. My dad had been laid off and starrted a new job elsewhere with a large pay cut. One of my brothers went through some medical stuff, my youngest brother developed a gluten allergy so shopping became more expensive since they really had to focus on a new diet for him...just a mess of stuff during the course of one year and not enough "emergency funds" to cover it all. Anyway, there was always excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't pay...my mom kept letting it slide. Then all heck broke loose when she found out that he was still keeping his DVC membership (with OKW)...and he had taken two trips to WDW in less than 6 months, purchased a new iPod, and upgraded his family's cell phones to the newest ones. They're not making any attempts to limit their spending...owning digital cable, buying a Lexus, etc. My mom was furious. She demanded to know why, if he was so desparate for money, that he wouldn't even sell his timeshare? He never answered that. In the mean time, my parents have really been struggling because of all the hardship that came all at once. Their grocery "shopping" takes place at their church's food pantry...that just makes me so mad. I mean I'm glad their church has the resources for them, but my parents should not be forced to "shop" there while another family member is using their money to live the high life. My mom confronted him on this lifestyle and told him that if he had the money to pay for all that, he has the money to start paying her back. He turned it around on her, made it seem like it was all her fault...and then told her that if she was that desperate for money, she should take the money from my siblings (when my grandfather passed away, he set up a small college fund for my siblings). Nevermind that he won't take his own kids' money...he just demands my mom do it to her children (note: I'm not saying he SHOULD take his kids' money, just pointing out the irony that he expects my mom to do it, but won't do it himself). It was just unbelievable. Then we find out a family member who lives in Spain went through the same thing with him years ago. Our only wish is that he would have said something when it happened so that my mom would have known.

Why did my mom lend it in the first place? Because this was her brother. It's a lot easier to stand outside the situation and blame the "lenders" when you're not dealing with it and when it's not with your family. In the end, it's not really about the money...even for my mom who does need the money back. It's about a family member abusing the relationship and showing by their actions that they just don't care. My mom is more hurt about that then the loss of money.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My mom is more hurt about that then the loss of money.

EXACTLY! Thank you. I am sorry your mom and dad are going through this. it is really scary how many people there are like this out there, isn't it?

It is not about the money. It is the fact that my brother DOES NOT CARE about my financial situation. I don't even care that he doesn't have the money. It doesn't really surprise me, really. What is so hurtful is he is AVOIDING me. Why can't he call and tell me he is sorry he couldn't get the money to me. Show a little bit of concern that I now can't pay my mortgage( as far as he knows). Instead, he chooses to ignore me. That is the most hurtful part. The fact that HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Do you mind me asking how old he is?

You're imagining a young kid, right? 20, 21, 22?

He is 35 years old, going on 6. I was going to say 10, but my 10 year old is more responsible than he his.

 

[Goofyluver]

This is my life story! My brother does things like this all of the time. What have I learned? I can't care anymore. He is never going to change. If I choose to participate in his life, then I am going to get burned. But, it's so hard to step away. He has a daughter who he is unable to support. It's a catch-22. Let him fall on his face and his daughter will go without, or help him and get burned constantly, but his daughter will be taken care of. What do you do when you have a family member like this? Can you really step away?

 

[N&B'smom]

Yes, I know I was picturing someone very young. Especially after hearing he was selling his bedroom set for the money. What a shame.

Shelby

 

[sugarpie]

I'll be the voice of dissent on this thread. Don't let money come between you and your brother. When this incident is resolved one way or another, either with you getting your money back or not, put it behind you and try to have a relationship with your brother that doesn't involve money at all.

I have to agree with you. While I haven't cut my brother off, I distanced myself from him & his situation for years. The week before Christmas he tried to kill himself. I can't tell you how many times I've thought - If I'd only done this or that, I could have helped him. I know I couldn't have, but it doesn't change how I feel. If I could take back the past few years I would. Visiting someone in a locked psychiatric ward is no picnic.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I have to agree with you. While I haven't cut my brother off, I distanced myself from him & his situation for years. The week before Christmas he tried to kill himself. I can't tell you how many times I've thought - If I'd only done this or that, I could have helped him. I know I couldn't have, but it doesn't change how I feel. If I could take back the past few years I would. Visiting someone in a locked psychiatric ward is no picnic.

I am sorry about your brother. I am at the point though, there will be no 'what if's". I already know that I have done all I could.

I think about everything about him, and the people around him, and he is very selfish. It is all about him. We can go months without hearing from him, he can't be bothered to call and just say Hi. We all know if the phone rings and it is him, he is looking for money, plain and simple. I don't have to go out of my way to end my relationship with him. There is not one as of now. Other than when he needs money he will call and ask how we are, as if he cares, and then ask if we can "do him a favor."

I have already un-invited him on the family Disney trip in August. If he wants to go, he can pay for his hotel room, while the rest of the family gets an OKW studio on my DVC points.

I am just going to sit back and wait for the day when he has finally burned the last bridge. What will happen then?

 

[krcit]

OP, I'm so sorry about all this. I know it's not about the money. I remember your post the other day when you couldn't find him and how worried you were It's sad that someone can be so selfish and immature.

 

[momof2inPA]

EXACTLY! Thank you. I am sorry your mom and dad are going through this. it is really scary how many people there are like this out there, isn't it?

It is not about the money. It is the fact that my brother DOES NOT CARE about my financial situation. I don't even care that he doesn't have the money. It doesn't really surprise me, really. What is so hurtful is he is AVOIDING me. Why can't he call and tell me he is sorry he couldn't get the money to me. Show a little bit of concern that I now can't pay my mortgage( as far as he knows). Instead, he chooses to ignore me. That is the most hurtful part. The fact that HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.

You know, he's embarassed about his financial situation. You had an inkling he wouldn't be able to pay you back even though he said he would, so you shouldn't have lent him the money. Only give money to friends and relatives, never lend it. I still think that one incident over $900 odd dollars isn't worth losing your brother, no matter how hurt and betrayed you feel.

 

[mking624]

Her brother clearly isn't one of high character. She knows more about this situation (and the other situations) than we do...so who are we to criticize her decision on her relationship status with him?

 

[LisaL]

To OP:

I'm sorry this happened. We always hope that certain family members will come around. It hurts if they don't. I hope everything works out well for you. And for your brother - a kick in the pants would not be a bad thing for him.

Best of luck to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In your mind you have this big thing as far as "burning bridges", giving your bro money even though it hurts you and then also thinking about cutting him out.
You are creating this for yourself with him.

So now you are ready to change how you think and behave with him right?

Looks like you have started well. The trick is to keep doing it. You don't have to "cut him out" but you need to learn how to say no.
Cutting people off (not speaking of pure evil people)....takes alot of energy from YOU.
Meanwhile the other person doesn't even give a hoot.

Just learn how to say no when he calls. It is quicker, easier, and will cause you less strife in the long run with your bro.

 

[rabx5]

I am very fortunate that I only have one sibling and she NEVER has asked to borrow money, and I don't think she ever would unless it was some emergency.

I know this sounds harsh, but I would sue him. Take him to small claims court. Maybe this will send a message to him that he can't get away with using his family any longer. You have the landlord as a witness - it seems like a cut and dry case to me. Serve him when he moves into the cottage-then you know where he is-if he fails to appear, you win-and he gets arrested. If you win, it will be a court ordered case and he will eventually pay it back though his income tax returns.

I am very sorry your brother is doing this to you

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I am very fortunate that I only have one sibling and she NEVER has asked to borrow money, and I don't think she ever would unless it was some emergency.

I know this sounds harsh, but I would sue him. Take him to small claims court. Maybe this will send a message to him that he can't get away with using his family any longer. You have the landlord as a witness - it seems like a cut and dry case to me. Serve him when he moves into the cottage-then you know where he is-if he fails to appear, you win-and he gets arrested. If you win, it will be a court ordered case and he will eventually pay it back though his income tax returns.

I am very sorry your brother is doing this to you

That is a great idea on paper, and I have even considered it. Problem is, he has no assets. He bounces from job to job. He gets a military pension that I don't think can be touched.

So, suing him would only cost me more in attorney fees, and even if I win, I won't see any money.

For the people who think I am going too far by cutting him out, it won't be too hard, because it seems he has already cut us out (his family). Like I said before, the only time we ever hear from him is if he needs something. He certainly doesn't ever call to say "hi" for the hell of it.

Also, I saw someone on here refererence "only $900, ONCE." To that, all I can say is......

Oh boy do I wish that were the case. It is not just what he has done to me, but what he has done to EVERYONE in his life. He has embezzled, he has stolen, he used his ex-wife cc without her permission, he has borrowed money and never re-paid it. This just put me over. I had shut him off before, and made the mistake of trusting him ONE MORE TIME. It didn't work.

Don't worry about me losing a brother, I have 4 more.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Is this brother the baby of the family? He really shouts baby brother symptoms lol. My mom and her twin brother were the babies to 6 brothers and sisters. They never really had to learn anything because either a sibling or my grandparents were there to bail them out of trouble, whatever kind it be.

My mom and her brother are now 51 years old and just now getting their finances and jobs under control. It took them this long with me doing some hard love on her, as she is single and I'm an only. I wouldn't keep lending her money or sending her stuff. I would talk to her everyday and finally one day I told her that if I start using my money for her life, then I make the decisions. I make the decison about where she lives, what kind of cable she has and even the furniture in her house. She is finally getting what it's like to be an adult.

I undestand the pain and frustration with your brother but could you be okay with yourself if soemthing did happen to your brother and ya'll were on bad terms still. I would make it clear to him that if he was to just call about money not to call but maybe not discourage him from calling. I know how frustrated you are.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Quick update.

I'm getting my money back!

The landlord called me today, to find out of I had heard from my brother. I hadn't. He said he will send me back the $950. He doesn't feel I should be the one to lose all that money. He was going to call and leave a message for my brother that the lease was no longer valid. He has to relist the cottage, because the guy he was hoping would take it, wasn't interested. I am still getting back my money! PHEW.

He called me back a few minutes later to tell me my brother was alive and well, because he answered his call. ***? He still wants the house, and offered to wire the guy the money. Told him he got hit in the head with a baseball bat and had been in the hospital.

Can it get any better than this?

 

[phillybeth]

Told him he got hit in the head with a baseball bat and had been in the hospital.

Can it get any better than this?

Someone else must have gone looking for their money too!

Glad that you are getting your money back. It's a hard lesson to learn I know.

 

[kejoda]

Thats quite an aim you have.

And I have a sister like this. I don't have a relationship with her either. Life is better this way.

 

[Enchanted Tiki Bird]

I know you are angry with him AND you have every right to be....BUT, you are equally responsible for the mess you are in now.

Actually according to the law you are wrong, Linda. In this case, her brother is 100% responsible. The OP clearly offered to write a cheque for her brother under the assumption that he would pay her before the cheque was cashed. They entered into a contract agreement. She could easily sue her brother if she wanted to and there's no reason why she wouldn't win, especially since she has a witness AND a bounced cheque as proof. Luckily, she got her money back and won't need to do that but you are much too quick to put the blame on the OP.

Yep, it's sad........but the OP is not a victim of a crime. She gave money of her own free will, it just wasn't handled the way she wanted it to be handled.

Again, you are wrong. Stealing is a crime and when one does not repay a loan, that is stealing. She did not "give" anyone money.

Lesson to be learned: always consider money you give to a friend or relative as a GIFT, never a LOAN.

Once again, the law disagrees. You can, in fact, loan money to family and have it not be considered a gift. It happens all the time. I'm sure you're familiar with small claims court.

To the OP: I think you are handling this extremely well and good for you! Sometimes we do have to cut people out of our lives and I know that's not an easy decision to make. But it seems like the healthier decision for you.