Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[Dole_whip_doll]

I’m 35 years old....not married, engaged or even dating and have never been in a wedding or hosted/co-hosted any kind of party......no skin off my nose whatsoever. Plenty of other stuff to do in this life than worry about the why and why not.

 

[lila]

I think feeling sad and hurt is completely legitimate, and I am sorry you feel that way. But - please don’t measure your worth to your friends and family by ceremonial roles! I am sure you mean a lot to all of them.

i was hurt to not be included in a couple weddings from meaningful folks in my life - but since them I’ve been in a few weddings and I can assure you, with no hesitation, being a guest is infinitely better!!

 

[Heather07438]

I get why you're upset after numerous times always being excluded in the wedding party.

It's possibly this wedding already had a full house so maybe it was a hard decision for the groom. For many of my friends it was hard making choices to cap the party size.

With weddings being so extravagant and sometimes tedious, a lot of us feel like we dodged a bullet when not being called in to the party. And even the wedding sometimes, lol. It's tough to be left out though. Maybe you can make your own magic. Make a toast that brings the house down or learn some new moves for the dance floor. You can make your experience great even if you're not in the party. Rock that wheelchair

 

[fly girl]

OP, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurting and feeling pushed aside.

But it does sound like you have several friends and family members around, I’m sure you’re someone’s favorite you just don’t see/feel it because you are having a down moment and that’s ok ... for a short while.

If you truly feel alone please go seek help. My guess is after your pity party (which I don’t judge, I’ve had them too) you’ll still be bummed, but realize how fortunate you are to have people around who love you.

Hang in there.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I'm sorry. I know how much it sucks to be left out of things. My brother and I (as adults) were both left out of my dad's wedding a few years ago. Other family members were part of the wedding party and virtually everyone in the family had some role (even things like decorating, etc), except for us, despite our numerous offers to help. We weren't even included in a single picture taken at the wedding. We tried expressing how important it was to us to be included in some (any!) way before the wedding, but it only seemed to fall on deaf ears, so I can understand why you don't want to bring anything up to your friend. I also understand how it doesn't really mean the same if someone includes you after you ask rather than them doing it from the very beginning. For us, even trying to discuss with our dad after the wedding has only led to more bitterness.

My best advice is to allow yourself some time to go through whatever emotions you have (don't just bottle them up inside), then find a way to let it go as much as you can. I KNOW it's not easy, but find some sort of release because dwelling on things only exacerbates the hurt.

I also understand the emotions that accompany feeling left out of things due to a disability. I'm not in a wheelchair, but do have physical issues that restrict my range of motion and overall mobility. It sucks knowing there are some things you just physically CAN'T do. I think sometimes friends/family members assume I can't do something and/or don't want to hurt me by inviting me to something that I can't do, so they just leave me out of certain activities.

Might I suggest finding some things you CAN do that make you happy/make you feel good about yourself and when things open up in the world again, invite friends and family to do those things with you. For instance, I can no longer go ice skating or play hockey like I used to, but a couple years ago I invited my brother and his girlfriend out to a hockey game and we had a blast. He told me afterwards, "I don't know why I haven't thought of us going to a game together before, but let's do it more often." It was a way for us to enjoy hockey, though in a different way, but still together.

 

[del12]

I get why you're upset after numerous times always being excluded in the wedding party.

It's possibly this wedding already had a full house so maybe it was a hard decision for the groom. For many of my friends it was hard making choices to cap the party size.

With weddings being so extravagant and sometimes tedious, a lot of us feel like we dodged a bullet when not being called in to the party. And even the wedding sometimes, lol. It's tough to be left out though. Maybe you can make your own magic. Make a toast that brings the house down or learn some new moves for the dance floor. You can make your experience great even if you're not in the party. Rock that wheelchair

I can understand that things need to be capped at some point. However, it gets tough when you never make the cut in anything. I won't offer to make a toast because all the weddings I've ever been to only wedding party members, parents and siblings of the bride an groom make toasts.

 

[kyton]

Like other posters, I can understand that you feel hurt however at the end of the day it is the bride and groom's day and their decision to make. My brother in law decided when we chose no children at our wedding, therefore our niece wouldn't be coming, to not speak to us again. 16 years later this is still his decision. So you can choose to be hurt and / or bitter or enjoy your friends' special day and have fun.

 

[mommasita]

A close friend of mine is getting married in December. They finally made plans on who's going to be in their wedding party and I'm not in it. I know wedding parties are stressful and cost money. I've never had the experience and I suspect the reason I get left out of this stuff is in large part because I'm disabled and use a wheelchair. I know it's sounds ridiculous that I'm upset, but it just hurts that I'm never really good enough to be a part of major events in the lives of friends and relatives. I'm just tired of being nobody's favorite friend, nobody's favorite brother, nobody's favorite nephew, nobody's favorite cousin etc. I understand that everyone gets left out in life, but for me it has never been my time to get included in anything. I'm also feeling down as upcoming trips to WDW and to Mexico have put on hold and I really could use some getaways to clear my head.

I am sorry you feel this way, your feelings are your feelings, They are valid. I don’t think you sound ridiculous. You sound like you feel you aren’t “enough”. Good enough to fill any of these roles. You are enough, chair or no chair.

Without begging your friend. Can you have a sit down, man to man, just let him know how you feel, slighted, at least let him explain or try to. Sometimes it is surprising. Perhaps he feels you are his best friend, give him a chance to talk about it, without begging, or making him feel bad.

 

[del12]

OP, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurting and feeling pushed aside.

But it does sound like you have several friends and family members around, I’m sure you’re someone’s favorite you just don’t see/feel it because you are having a down moment and that’s ok ... for a short while.

If you truly feel alone please go seek help. My guess is after your pity party (which I don’t judge, I’ve had them too) you’ll still be bummed, but realize how fortunate you are to have people around who love you.

Hang in there.

I don't think I'm anyone's favorite. I was injured at 19 and was told that i would never walk again. Back then, I had some hope that being in a wheelchair wouldn't be a deterrent in my life. Sadly, it has. I had a trouble getting a decent job after college because despite laws I was still discriminated for being disabled. Friends have been good to me which I appreciate and I'm always there for my friends. My disability has kept me from being invited on a certain trips like rafting, hiking, and other things that are not quite adapted for wheelchairs. There are plenty of times I've felt awful being on the sidelines. Yet, for a long time I kept believing I would get to be a part of the big moments. I sort of believe that if I was at least married or had a girlfriend I wouldn't be feeling so down. I've tried online dating, but once I mention a disability it doesn't turn out well. I have had the courage to ask out several women I know, but I mostly got turned down and a couple of dates with those who said yes didn't out well.

 

[del12]

I am sorry you feel this way, your feelings are your feelings, They are valid. I don’t think you sound ridiculous. You sound like you feel you aren’t “enough”. Good enough to fill any of these roles. You are enough, chair or no chair.

Without begging your friend. Can you have a sit down, man to man, just let him know how you feel, slighted, at least let him explain or try to. Sometimes it is surprising. Perhaps he feels you are his best friend, give him a chance to talk about it, without begging, or making him feel bad.

That's the thing I never feel good enough for anything at the end of day.

 

[del12]

Like other posters, I can understand that you feel hurt however at the end of the day it is the bride and groom's day and their decision to make. My brother in law decided when we chose no children at our wedding, therefore our niece wouldn't be coming, to not speak to us again. 16 years later this is still his decision. So you can choose to be hurt and / or bitter or enjoy your friends' special day and have fun.

It's hard not to be hurt when you are stuck in a wheelchair and get passed over for a lot of things in life. I don't want to hurt my friend which is why I won't ask about the wedding. It's hard to be happy for others when your own life isn't that great.

 

[del12]

I'm sorry. I know how much it sucks to be left out of things. My brother and I (as adults) were both left out of my dad's wedding a few years ago. Other family members were part of the wedding party and virtually everyone in the family had some role (even things like decorating, etc), except for us, despite our numerous offers to help. We weren't even included in a single picture taken at the wedding. We tried expressing how important it was to us to be included in some (any!) way before the wedding, but it only seemed to fall on deaf ears, so I can understand why you don't want to bring anything up to your friend. I also understand how it doesn't really mean the same if someone includes you after you ask rather than them doing it from the very beginning. For us, even trying to discuss with our dad after the wedding has only led to more bitterness.

My best advice is to allow yourself some time to go through whatever emotions you have (don't just bottle them up inside), then find a way to let it go as much as you can. I KNOW it's not easy, but find some sort of release because dwelling on things only exacerbates the hurt.

I also understand the emotions that accompany feeling left out of things due to a disability. I'm not in a wheelchair, but do have physical issues that restrict my range of motion and overall mobility. It sucks knowing there are some things you just physically CAN'T do. I think sometimes friends/family members assume I can't do something and/or don't want to hurt me by inviting me to something that I can't do, so they just leave me out of certain activities.

Might I suggest finding some things you CAN do that make you happy/make you feel good about yourself and when things open up in the world again, invite friends and family to do those things with you. For instance, I can no longer go ice skating or play hockey like I used to, but a couple years ago I invited my brother and his girlfriend out to a hockey game and we had a blast. He told me afterwards, "I don't know why I haven't thought of us going to a game together before, but let's do it more often." It was a way for us to enjoy hockey, though in a different way, but still together.

I'm sorry about what you're going through and I sort of get how it feels when people assume things because they assume or afraid to ask if you can or can't do anything.

My friends and I do get together like at houses to watch sports or at sports bars. But, outside of watching something I don't get invited to anything that isn't wheelchair friendly not even to watch. I do have online friends who are also in wheelchairs and have spinal cord injuries and one of them does get invited to at least watch sporting events that her abled bodied friends are involved in. My friends never make that offer for some of their day rafting trips which usually end at rest areas where I could watch them come in from my chair.

 

[disneychrista]

That's the thing I never feel good enough for anything at the end of day.

You need to talk to a therapist. I say this as someone who has struggled with depression for the past several years. There is nothing wrong with needing to seek professional help.

 

[SirDuff]

I don’t mean this in a snarky way, but have you thought about talking with a therapist of some sort? You’ve only ever posted on two threads here in the year (and a bit) that you’ve been part of the DISboards. This one and one where you talk about things that make you jealous of other people.

Obviously, we only see a tiny piece of your life, but it really does seem like you could use someone who could help.

As I said, not meant to be snarky and I do wish you well.

 

[del12]

I’m so sorry. I feel your hurt and understand how you feel. It’s not just THIS wedding, it’s all the events. I am hearing that you don’t feel valued as a friend or relative. Do you have friends to share life with? Are there other groups you can join, shared interest groups or volunteer groups?

I have friends, but due to my disability there are some things I can't be a part of. Most of my friends who are disabled don't live near me and we communicate mostly through text, calls, and social media. It's difficult making friends due to my disability and trust me there are a lot of ignorant people who look at me at some of sort of subhuman.

 

[del12]

I don’t mean this in a snarky way, but have you thought about talking with a therapist of some sort? You’ve only ever posted on two threads here in the year (and a bit) that you’ve been part of the DISboards. This one and one where you talk about things that make you jealous of other people.

Obviously, we only see a tiny piece of your life, but it really does seem like you could use someone who could help.

As I said, not meant to be snarky and I do wish you well.

I don't have any interest in seeing a therapist because I doubt any therapist would be able to completely understand my situation. I actually had to do mental therapy when I was recovering in a rehab hospital for my spinal cord injury. There are some times in my life I don't want to ask for help. It's already bad enough that I have to ask for help every time I go to a store, movie theater, bar, at past workplaces, and it sucked that I when I moved into my house I couldn't do some of repairs completely on my own. I hate that I have to check with physicians, physical therapists, and occupational therapists throughout the year. Adding some therapist to the mix would just make me more worthless.

 

[fly girl]

If going to therapy is not what you want, then find a support group with people who are dealing with the same issues you are. It doesn’t need to be local, I bet there are groups online.

Always nice to have support from others that are living the same struggles and “get it.”

 

[del12]

The only wedding I was ever asked to be in (besides, of course, my own) was my sister's. And she spent most of the time on her day elsewhere, not with me. So I was just the placeholder. She's my sister, so I don't hold any grudges, but at the time, I was hurt.

Given things are settled up and you aren't interested in asking why (I get it, no one wants to be that person), why not offer to do a speech about the groom? I know that's often left to the best man, but there could be two.

I have a dear (male) friend that was not included in our wedding party, but I had him give the speech my maid of honor would have given (which was fine by her), so that I could honor that relationship. So if you think you are close enough to the groom, that might be a way to participate without making a big deal about being passed up for the wedding party.

Or, offer to be the master of ceremonies, if you think you're up to it.

As I mentioned before I don't want to beg for any kind of role in the wedding and that would include speeches or master of ceremonies.

 

[del12]

If going to therapy is not what you want, then find a support group with people who are dealing with the same issues you are. It doesn’t need to be local, I bet there are groups online.

Always nice to have support from others that are living the same struggles and “get it.”

I do communicate with people who are in similar situations to me, but it's mostly online. Some of them are married, but their injuries happeend after their marriages and in one case a guy suspects that his wife doesn't divorce him because they live in a community property state. The rest are in somewhat similar situations with no one wanting to date them or relationships going bad because being with someone with a disability isn't ideal.

 

[sonnyjane]

I don't have any interest in seeing a therapist because I doubt any therapist would be able to completely understand my situation. I actually had to do mental therapy when I was recovering in a rehab hospital for my spinal cord injury. There are some times in my life I don't want to ask for help. It's already bad enough that I have to ask for help every time I go to a store, movie theater, bar, at past workplaces, and it sucked that I when I moved into my house I couldn't do some of repairs completely on my own. I hate that I have to check with physicians, physical therapists, and occupational therapists throughout the year. Adding some therapist to the mix would just make me more worthless.

I was feeling badly for you... until you wrote this. I’m a huge proponent of therapy, and even if you don’t find a therapist that understands what you’re going through firsthand, they are trained in getting you to express and work through your feelings. I have dealt with eating disorders for more than a decade and depression along with family issues. My therapists don’t have to deal with that to be able to give me coping tools to live a better life and give me confidence. I urge you to reconsider your stance, otherwise it’s like knowing there’s a pill out there that will make you well but turning it down because you don’t want to admit you need it.

As devil’s advocate, I’d also suggest that your friends may feel uncomfortable inviting you to be a spectator for their physical outdoor activities. They may feel that would rub salt in your wound by making you watch instead of participate. That’s where your communication needs come in. If you want to be there waiting for them at the finish line or are content watching them play basketball etc, then you need to tell them that openly and honestly. This is something your therapist would surely suggest, among other things.