Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[Rebma512]

OP-
I’m married and have 2 kids....they suck!!
(Maybe that’s quarantine speaking?)
I’d love to be alone haha

 

[mjkacmom]

I didn't want to adopt for companionship as much to you already. If I wanted to adopt it was going to be give a child a good home. Like I said before the reasons I don't pursue adoption is because of my disability. If I was able bodied I would have already adopted a child.

Do you realize how difficult it is for young two parent families to adopt a baby in this country? How expensive? My niece is adopted, it took years, and she was 8 months old when my SIL and BIL took their second trip to China to get her. You have cats, get a dog, they give back a lot (I have 5 kids and a dog).

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Hey Del. I have tried to be nice and understanding just in case this is real. But I can’t do that any more. You are trying to say that you did not say or mean things you have actually typed. Like you did say adoption and companionship. You did. You also typed that comment about being first and important and not just included. And now you typed total or complete control and not just some control.

I am sitting here praying that no child is brought into your life. For a lot of reasons. There are some things here that are really wrong. Like really wrong.

How can somebody offer a child a good life when they are upset and depressed that they do not have the good life that they want?

I don’t even know if this is like for real. But if it is. Please for your own self give up your hang ups and seek out a nice counselor or therapist. Not a adoption lawyer or a foster care agency.

Most people who have kids know that kids are the ones who need everything. They don’t really give back. And then guess what when they do get older they don’t give everything back because they go have their own lives.

 

[mjkacmom]

In my friends wedding recently the groom wanted to have more friends as groomsmen but the bride didn’t have anymore friends she wanted to be bridesmaids and she was adamant about having the same amount on both sides. Sometimes you don’t know the reasoning behind people’s choices.

Also for your dating profile - revise your bio, change photos (one of you, one with friends, maybe an action shot of you playing basketball) and give it another shot. Don’t give up

I had 2 friends who’s lifelong friendship ended over a bridal party. The groom had 5 groomsmen, 3 family members and 2 friends. Those friends happened to be met through his fiancé, and they were married to 2 friends of the bride to be (all in the same friend circle). She also had 3 sisters to include, so 5 on each side. The bride to be was the maid of honor in the life long friend’s wedding. So in this friend circle, 2 were asked to be in the wedding party, 3 were not, even though the bride to be was in all of our wedding parties. The one friend not asked went to the wedding, and then never spoke to her lifelong friend again.

I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding, I was fine with it. For mine, I asked my sister, one of DH’s sisters, one niece for a junior bridesmaid, one niece as a flower girl, one college friend, one high school friend. If I chose all female family, college friends and high school friends it would’ve been insane. DH had 5 very close lifelong friends, so that was easy.

 

[VandVsmama]

Maybe I should accept that I'm never good enough for any of my friends to include me in their big days. The wedding party is about honoring friends and showing everyone else that those friends are the favorites.

Your filter is off. The statements above that I bolded say a lot. What this essentially boils down to on the wedding issue is that you feel like you're not part of the cool kids club. You've worked yourself up so much that being in somebody's wedding has become SO important. Almost like you need an external validation...something for you to be able to point to and say, "Look! See? Joe over there says I'm good enough! I'm finally good enough because I got to be in somebody's wedding."

Let's say that happens...you get to be in somebody's wedding some day. THEN WHAT?

Let's also say that NEVER happens...THEN WHAT?

The wedding party is NOT ABOUT SHOWING EVERYBODY ELSE WHO THE FAVORITES ARE! This is, like 13 yr old girl thinking. THIS is why you need help. You may be a 40-something year old man, but your emotional brain is stuck elsewhere.

In other posts, you've said that you don't want to go to a therapist or to see psychiatrists because:

• you already have to take other medications and you don't want to take anymore.
• you want ONE thing in your life that you can control.
• you think that people who see therapists are weak.

Here's the truth of the matter:

1. We ALL have a LOT in our lives that we cannot control.
2. We are ALL weak in some way! It's called BEING HUMAN!
3. Like it or not, you have made a choice. You have CHOSEN to not do anything about the stuff going on inside your head. That's your right to choose that. But then you don't get to complain about the consequences of having made that choice.
4. Your friends' weddings are NOT ABOUT YOU!
5. You have some skeletons in your closet to sort through. WE ALL DO! Welcome to the club.
6. You either can choose to deal with those skeletons or they'll continue to hog the entire closet, leaving no room for other things that you really desperately want in your life.

You need to sort through the skeletons in your closet in order to find a wife. They are preventing you from finding her.

Like Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try."

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Such a good post and thoughts. I have to make a big second to that.

 

[Wendy1985]

I had 2 friends who’s lifelong friendship ended over a bridal party. The groom had 5 groomsmen, 3 family members and 2 friends. Those friends happened to be met through his fiancé, and they were married to 2 friends of the bride to be (all in the same friend circle). She also had 3 sisters to include, so 5 on each side. The bride to be was the maid of honor in the life long friend’s wedding. So in this friend circle, 2 were asked to be in the wedding party, 3 were not, even though the bride to be was in all of our wedding parties. The one friend not asked went to the wedding, and then never spoke to her lifelong friend again.

I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding, I was fine with it. For mine, I asked my sister, one of DH’s sisters, one niece for a junior bridesmaid, one niece as a flower girl, one college friend, one high school friend. If I chose all female family, college friends and high school friends it would’ve been insane. DH had 5 very close lifelong friends, so that was easy.

Honestly if the only reason you want to be in the wedding is to be acknowledged you will be disappointed, my dad is the only one to make a toast and it was about me and the relationship the bridesmaids were not acknowledged at all, and as the bride I picked bridesmaids that knew me well enough to know my needs with out me asking

 

[J'aime Paris]

I have no desire to get involved with foster care because it's mostly older children and it would be difficult to bond.

That is an asinine statement....grow up!!!!!!!

 

[ronandannette]

I know the wedding isn't about me. I have just wanted one opportunity/chance to be in a part of a close friend's big day. It hurts that I can never be one of the friends who gets the honor to be a part of a wedding. Maybe I should accept that I'm never good enough for any of my friends to include me in their big days. The wedding party is about honoring friends and showing everyone else that those friends are the favorites.

I'm not looking for a caretaker.

No, it isn’t. I can promise you no bridal couple sees it that way - as a specific platform to honour or recognize anybody, let alone send a message by pointedly excluding others. It. Just. Isn’t.

I’ve got dearly-loved people in my life who struggle with mood disorders. Different personalities and different diagnoses but the one quality they share is lack of self-awareness, especially when depression starts to spiral. They are the farthest thing from objective as to how they are actually behaving, let alone how pervasive and abnormal their dark thoughts are.

This is an anonymous message board and it’s fine to blow off steam here. But if what you’ve communicated is even half-accurate to your real life, I’m praying for you right now that somebody who knows you and is influential will intervene and help you get the medical/psychological support you obviously need. I wish you well.