Family Vent

[ilovefh]

I am super frustrated and have to share it with someone! DH is at work, and I have no friends down here so the DIS is the winner!

I think I have posted about this before, but my sister is a pain in the butt! My parents totally cater to her and have failed to instill any sense into her! Here are just a few examples.....keep in mind she is 25!

A few years back at WDW she said she wanted to eat at Sci Fi, so I called. She threw a tantrum because since I called to make the ADR it must be where I want to eat so she didn't want to go now. All this happened in the CBR food court FYI.

When we went dress shopping for MY wedding dress she tried on some bridesmaid dresses and stated she was "wearing this one" or wasn't going to be in my wedding. When we went bridesmaid dress shopping I like another dress and my mom pulled me aside to say that my sister really liked this one specific dress and it's rare she feels pretty, so go with that one. (FYI I had 3 other bridesmaids to consider)

During the planning of my wedding she refused to let the other bridesmaids help plan my bachelorette party. She made a big deal about how much she had planned and how fun it would be. When it came down to it she hadn't invited any of my friends (she finally invited them on Wednesday for a Friday party so most couldn't come) including my other bridesmaids. Her big plans...dinner at a chain restaurant and at the end of dinner she looked at me and said "what do you want to do now?" They picked me up at home at 8 and I was home by 10. But my mom insists she tried her best to plan something.

When they came down in August she wanted to eat breakfast at the Main St. Bakery. The rest of us wanted actual breakfast vs. pastries so we discussed it and decided on Cracker Barrel. She refused to eat at Cracker Barrel and cried. To make her feel better my mom didn't eat either and waited and ate at the bakery with her.

Anyway, here is the newest addition to catering to her whims.

They're coming to visit in a month. DH has Wednesday and Thursday off that week. Wednesday morning we booked a 4d ultrasound so everyone can go to it (at their request, but we'll take any excuse to see this little guy!) Dsis booked Kona for Thursday morning for breakfast for everyone. My mom would like to do Universal with my DH one day and wants to get there at opening. I suggested changing Kona to Friday that way they can get to Universal Thursday for opening (and DH works at night so he'll still be able to go to breakfast). My mom started sputtering and trying to make excuses for why the reservation can't be changed.

First excuse was she didn't think we could get Kona for Friday....but we can.
Second excuse was she didn't know if they wanted two ADRs in one day because Friday night at 7 we have ADRs at Chefs de France. I said either way you have to eat breakfast, and the reservations are 10 hours apart...we'll definitely be hungry by then.

I finally stopped her and asked her to stop making excuses and just be honest. She just didn't want to ask Dsis to change the ADR because she knew Dsis would be mad and throw a tantrum. She agreed that's what was going on. I hate that they cater to her like this. Let's be honest...she is 25 and still drops her (and her boyfriend's) laundry off at my parents house, they wash, fold and iron it and she picks it up.

I was not very nice and said I was glad I moved 1400 miles away and now I don't have to worry about catering to her. I told her the only thing I have to worry about now is raising my son to know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. That was mean, and a pretty low blow about her parenting. I said it out of anger, and shouldn't have.

This has been going on forever and it is so frustrating! Why do they lack the ability to say hey, we're going to hit Universal at opening Thursday, if you want to do Kona first meet us at Universal or if you want us all to eat together let's change it to Friday?

 

[plutotek]

Good for you. Sometimes, situations like this require brute force rather than finesse. We almost quit have the in-laws for holidays because I got tired of SIL always whining about this/that/the other thing. I'd finally had enough and said that if she wanted to behave like a spoiled child, she could just stay home. FIL, who didn't like me much anyway, said "if she's not welcome, I won't be coming either."

My response? "Don't let the door hit you in the donkey on the way out."

The result? Everyone behaved and we had a pretty good evening.

Like I said, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[redlight]

From reading this, it sounds like your parents enable your sister to be like she is.

 

[Disney Doll]

Your parents created this monster by catering to her every whim. You are correct to think that it is good that you live far away and so don't have to deal with it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am super frustrated and have to share it with someone! DH is at work, and I have no friends down here so the DIS is the winner!

I think I have posted about this before, but my sister is a pain in the butt! My parents totally cater to her and have failed to instill any sense into her! Here are just a few examples.....keep in mind she is 25!

A few years back at WDW she said she wanted to eat at Sci Fi, so I called. She threw a tantrum because since I called to make the ADR it must be where I want to eat so she didn't want to go now. All this happened in the CBR food court FYI.

When we went dress shopping for MY wedding dress she tried on some bridesmaid dresses and stated she was "wearing this one" or wasn't going to be in my wedding. When we went bridesmaid dress shopping I like another dress and my mom pulled me aside to say that my sister really liked this one specific dress and it's rare she feels pretty, so go with that one. (FYI I had 3 other bridesmaids to consider)

During the planning of my wedding she refused to let the other bridesmaids help plan my bachelorette party. She made a big deal about how much she had planned and how fun it would be. When it came down to it she hadn't invited any of my friends (she finally invited them on Wednesday for a Friday party so most couldn't come) including my other bridesmaids. Her big plans...dinner at a chain restaurant and at the end of dinner she looked at me and said "what do you want to do now?" They picked me up at home at 8 and I was home by 10. But my mom insists she tried her best to plan something.

When they came down in August she wanted to eat breakfast at the Main St. Bakery. The rest of us wanted actual breakfast vs. pastries so we discussed it and decided on Cracker Barrel. She refused to eat at Cracker Barrel and cried. To make her feel better my mom didn't eat either and waited and ate at the bakery with her.

Anyway, here is the newest addition to catering to her whims.

They're coming to visit in a month. DH has Wednesday and Thursday off that week. Wednesday morning we booked a 4d ultrasound so everyone can go to it (at their request, but we'll take any excuse to see this little guy!) Dsis booked Kona for Thursday morning for breakfast for everyone. My mom would like to do Universal with my DH one day and wants to get there at opening. I suggested changing Kona to Friday that way they can get to Universal Thursday for opening (and DH works at night so he'll still be able to go to breakfast). My mom started sputtering and trying to make excuses for why the reservation can't be changed.

First excuse was she didn't think we could get Kona for Friday....but we can.
Second excuse was she didn't know if they wanted two ADRs in one day because Friday night at 7 we have ADRs at Chefs de France. I said either way you have to eat breakfast, and the reservations are 10 hours apart...we'll definitely be hungry by then.

I finally stopped her and asked her to stop making excuses and just be honest. She just didn't want to ask Dsis to change the ADR because she knew Dsis would be mad and throw a tantrum. She agreed that's what was going on. I hate that they cater to her like this. Let's be honest...she is 25 and still drops her (and her boyfriend's) laundry off at my parents house, they wash, fold and iron it and she picks it up.

I was not very nice and said I was glad I moved 1400 miles away and now I don't have to worry about catering to her. I told her the only thing I have to worry about now is raising my son to know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. That was mean, and a pretty low blow about her parenting. I said it out of anger, and shouldn't have.

This has been going on forever and it is so frustrating! Why do they lack the ability to say hey, we're going to hit Universal at opening Thursday, if you want to do Kona first meet us at Universal or if you want us all to eat together let's change it to Friday?

Well, here is my suggestion to you.....(have lots of family crazy experience)

You are being "used" by your mom. She throws out something and then "uses you" to go against your sister. So far it is working. You are irritated and upset once again.

Your mom innocently suggests wanting to go to Universal opening and suddenly you are thrust into a can of worms with your sister.

Now here is where you make a change.....

You stop it. You give into your sister, let her run the show and have a nice visit with your family. Let whiny get her way and have a good visit. So what if "she wins" this time. If mom wants to speak up then that is on her. Otherwise let it go.

They live far away now and the time you have with them is something that you want to have as peaceful as you can.

In the future, DO NOT invite the sister along with your mother if you want to have fun private time with her.

Hope that makes sense to you. I am trying to have you enjoy their visit and not go down the usual path. Instead create a path of least resistance for yourself.

 

[handinpocket]

OH. MY. GOD. Tell them to change the plans or not come. If you keep bowing your head and saying "ok", they are going to keep doing that. You KNOW this.

 

[starrzone]

Wow; what a doozie!!! I would explode with frustration if I had a sibling like that!

I can't really give you any advice, but I do lend a sympathetic ear. Thank goodness for the Dis, where you can vent about anything and everything!

 

[minkydog]

Well, here is my suggestion to you.....(have lots of family crazy experience)

You are being "used" by your mom. She throws out something and then "uses you" to go against your sister. So far it is working. You are irritated and upset once again.

Your mom innocently suggests wanting to go to Universal opening and suddenly you are thrust into a can of worms with your sister.

Now here is where you make a change.....

You stop it. You give into your sister, let her run the show and have a nice visit with your family. Let whiny get her way and have a good visit. So what if "she wins" this time. If mom wants to speak up then that is on her. Otherwise let it go.

They live far away now and the time you have with them is something that you want to have as peaceful as you can.

In the future, DO NOT invite the sister along with your mother if you want to have fun private time with her.

Hope that makes sense to you. I am trying to have you enjoy their visit and not go down the usual path. Instead create a path of least resistance for yourself.

This is really good advice. OP, you can't win this one. I don't know your sister, but my first thought was that there must be some kind of mental illness in play here--no reasonable adult acts this way. At any rate, whatever the issue is, you can't change it. All you can do is limit your own participation. This time you're just going to have to suck it up and get through the visit. Do whatever you have to do, knowing that this doesn't have to happen again. Mystry Machine gave you some great insight.

Speaking as someone who chose to move 400 miles from family, you will some day thank your lucky stars that you don't have to be there for the daily grief. Start withdrawing from the melee now. You may have to tell your mom up front that you're not going to discuss "the sister problems", because I'm just telling you from experience, that's the next thing on the horizon. But you can refuse to play that game, if you want to. I did and it was the best thing i could have ever done for myself and my marriage.

 

[sunnyday123]

As soon as you arrive, buy a mug. Next, fill it with a teeny tiny bit of Coke, and the remainder with Rum. Then just keep reminding yourself you live very, very far away and don't have to deal with this on a daily basis.

 

[ilovefh]

Good for you. Sometimes, situations like this require brute force rather than finesse. We almost quit have the in-laws for holidays because I got tired of SIL always whining about this/that/the other thing. I'd finally had enough and said that if she wanted to behave like a spoiled child, she could just stay home. FIL, who didn't like me much anyway, said "if she's not welcome, I won't be coming either."

My response? "Don't let the door hit you in the donkey on the way out."

The result? Everyone behaved and we had a pretty good evening.

Like I said, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Been there, done that. It kills me because other than this I have a great relationship with my parents and I hate to have this ruin it. I have told my parents that this will ruin our family. They don't see it.

From reading this, it sounds like your parents enable your sister to be like she is.

Your parents created this monster by catering to her every whim. You are correct to think that it is good that you live far away and so don't have to deal with it.

You're both hit it on the nose. By refusing to say no because of fear of tantrums they created this. They now refuse to deal with it and just say "it's too late to change her now."

Well, here is my suggestion to you.....(have lots of family crazy experience)

You are being "used" by your mom. She throws out something and then "uses you" to go against your sister. So far it is working. You are irritated and upset once again.

Your mom innocently suggests wanting to go to Universal opening and suddenly you are thrust into a can of worms with your sister.

Now here is where you make a change.....

You stop it. You give into your sister, let her run the show and have a nice visit with your family. Let whiny get her way and have a good visit. So what if "she wins" this time. If mom wants to speak up then that is on her. Otherwise let it go.

They live far away now and the time you have with them is something that you want to have as peaceful as you can.

In the future, DO NOT invite the sister along with your mother if you want to have fun private time with her.

Hope that makes sense to you. I am trying to have you enjoy their visit and not go down the usual path. Instead create a path of least resistance for yourself.

I did tell my mom I really didn't care what they did. If they didn't get to Universal until 11 I don't care. We live here, we can go another time. And honestly I can't ride anything right now anyway! It's just the frustration that they allow this kind of behavior.

OH. MY. GOD. Tell them to change the plans or not come. If you keep bowing your head and saying "ok", they are going to keep doing that. You KNOW this.

There is nothing I can do really except separate myself, which we did by moving. I've refused to go along with them giving in to her, but they still do it.

Wow; what a doozie!!! I would explode with frustration if I had a sibling like that!

I can't really give you any advice, but I do lend a sympathetic ear. Thank goodness for the Dis, where you can vent about anything and everything!

Thanks! With DH at work and no friends down here yet I just needed to vent somewhere!

This is really good advice. OP, you can't win this one. I don't know your sister, but my first thought was that there must be some kind of mental illness in play here--no reasonable adult acts this way. At any rate, whatever the issue is, you can't change it. All you can do is limit your own participation. This time you're just going to have to suck it up and get through the visit. Do whatever you have to do, knowing that this doesn't have to happen again. Mystry Machine gave you some great insight.

Speaking as someone who chose to move 400 miles from family, you will some day thank your lucky stars that you don't have to be there for the daily grief. Start withdrawing from the melee now. You may have to tell your mom up front that you're not going to discuss "the sister problems", because I'm just telling you from experience, that's the next thing on the horizon. But you can refuse to play that game, if you want to. I did and it was the best thing i could have ever done for myself and my marriage.

Mom see what is happening and doesn't think it is a problem, and therefore doesn't even like to discuss it. Living down here I miss my family but I am glad we made the choice we did. We thought about buying the house next to my parents and I am glad we didn't!

I do refuse, but if anything is going to change my parents need to be the ones to refuse.

My mom did get mad at me one year when they went to FL without us for a week. My sister was probably 20 and my mom asked if I would do my sister's hair while my mom was gone. I told her I would, if she could give me a good reason why a 20 yr old needed to have her hair done still. She said it was none of my business so I said thanks, but no thanks. She was MAD!

 

[BroganMc]

You are being "used" by your mom. She throws out something and then "uses you" to go against your sister. So far it is working. You are irritated and upset once again.

Your mom innocently suggests wanting to go to Universal opening and suddenly you are thrust into a can of worms with your sister.

You know, you are exactly right.

ilovefh, you are being used by your mom and sister. Your mom is just doing it passive aggressively.

Simple truth is that it's not your responsibility to make your mom happy. If she wants to go to Universal first thing in the AM with your hubby then it is up to her to make that happen. NOT YOU!

Your sister does sound like high maintenance. But you're driving yourself crazy trying to change that or rebel against it. Sometimes we siblings do that. We play the "fairness game" where we count the number of alleged passes or punishments each of us gets from our parents. In the end, it really doesn't matter. Every kid is different and parents make decisions based on what they think is best at that time.

My mom was right. Parents aren't there to be fair, they are there to be parents. Loving human parents who sometimes get it right and sometimes screwup.

My brother is also high maintenance. Drove me nuts when he'd be able to argue his way out of or into something. And I gave my mom a helluva hard time about it. But she explained (tearfully I might add since I was very hard on her one day) that was just the way she had to deal with my brother. His personality was not one that could be changed and there weren't all bad things about it. I was actually making it harder on her because I failed to appreciate just how well she knew each of her children and was treating us the way we needed to be treated.

Stop trying to be responsible for other people's happiness and stop playing a juvenile 'gotcha game' with your sister. I guarantee you everything she does comes back to her. If she's difficult to reason with then people learn to avoid having to reason with her at all.

 

[ilovefh]

As soon as you arrive, buy a mug. Next, fill it with a teeny tiny bit of Coke, and the remainder with Rum. Then just keep reminding yourself you live very, very far away and don't have to deal with this on a daily basis.

Sounds like a great idea....except I'll be 31 weeks pregnant when they're here!

 

[natenapril]

As soon as you arrive, buy a mug. Next, fill it with a teeny tiny bit of Coke, and the remainder with Rum. Then just keep reminding yourself you live very, very far away and don't have to deal with this on a daily basis.

I like this idea! But the OP is pregnant!

 

[ilovefh]

You know, you are exactly right.

ilovefh, you are being used by your mom and sister. Your mom is just doing it passive aggressively.

Simple truth is that it's not your responsibility to make your mom happy. If she wants to go to Universal first thing in the AM with your hubby then it is up to her to make that happen. NOT YOU!

Your sister does sound like high maintenance. But you're driving yourself crazy trying to change that or rebel against it. Sometimes we siblings do that. We play the "fairness game" where we count the number of alleged passes or punishments each of us gets from our parents. In the end, it really doesn't matter. Every kid is different and parents make decisions based on what they think is best at that time.

My mom was right. Parents aren't there to be fair, they are there to be parents. Loving human parents who sometimes get it right and sometimes screwup.

My brother is also high maintenance. Drove me nuts when he'd be able to argue his way out of or into something. And I gave my mom a helluva hard time about it. But she explained (tearfully I might add since I was very hard on her one day) that was just the way she had to deal with my brother. His personality was not one that could be changed and there weren't all bad things about it. I was actually making it harder on her because I failed to appreciate just how well she knew each of her children and was treating us the way we needed to be treated.

Stop trying to be responsible for other people's happiness and stop playing a juvenile 'gotcha game' with your sister.

I'd love to say it was about fairness, or getting my way, but really it's not. It's about a 25 year old crying in Cracker Barrel because that isn't where SHE wanted to eat and my mom giving in to her. It's about a 23 yr old throwing a crying, screaming fit in the middle of the bridal store because she wanted a specific dress for my wedding. (we weren't even shopping for bridesmaid dresses that day, she just decided to try some on while I was trying on dresses). It's about my mom pulling me aside and asking me to give in to my sister so that she would not have a fit.

It's about a 25 yr old who should know how to behave but doesn't because she had learned that even at 25 if you cry and scream your parents will be at your beck and call. It's about us being expected to cater to her no matter what to avoid her tantrums.

It's about parents who do not even ATTEMPT to handle it. They do whatever they can to avoid her having a fit and then making excuses about why they do the things they do.

It's about parents who say "well she is 25, we can't change her behavior now."

 

[handinpocket]

I'd love to say it was about fairness, or getting my way, but really it's not. It's about a 25 year old crying in Cracker Barrel because that isn't where SHE wanted to eat and my mom giving in to her. It's about a 23 yr old throwing a crying, screaming fit in the middle of the bridal store because she wanted a specific dress for my wedding. (we weren't even shopping for bridesmaid dresses that day, she just decided to try some on while I was trying on dresses). It's about my mom pulling me aside and asking me to give in to my sister so that she would not have a fit.

It's about a 25 yr old who should know how to behave but doesn't because she had learned that even at 25 if you cry and scream your parents will be at your beck and call. It's about us being expected to cater to her no matter what to avoid her tantrums.

It's about parents who do not even ATTEMPT to handle it. They do whatever they can to avoid her having a fit and then making excuses about why they do the things they do.

It's about parents who say "well she is 25, we can't change her behavior now."

That is when YOU say "she is not my child, and ..........is going to happen" . Then you leave them to deal with it. I know full and well you probably won't do that, but as someone who is appalled at this behavior and never witnessed it...that would be what I would do.

 

[sunnyday123]

Sounds like a great idea....except I'll be 31 weeks pregnant when they're here!

Sorry... forgot about your ticker!! Lol!

Ok..so follow what everyone else said. And for what it's worth, my brother is like this, married with three kids and still lives with my Father. Has never had a bank account,credit card, bought his own clothes or paid a bill. He's 34. He's the kind of sibling that made me want an only child.

 

[Hannathy]

I would ask my Mom if she wanted to keep the breakfast res or go to opening at Universal on Thursday. Then do what ever she decides and just go with it. As you say you can go anytime so let her decide. If she would rather keep your Sis happy let her, do not let it bother you. Smile and say OK. then do it. If you can go any time does it really matter to you?

Don't try to convince her otherwise, just give her the choice and then go with the flow. While it is irritating you aren't going to change them so why fight it and get upset.

Do the ultra sound on Wed. On Thursday do what your mom picks, on Friday I guess you are going to Disney. Don't fight with them, don't try to reason with them just do it how they want and then just go along and smile. If it is crowded and she comments then just say well that is why I wanted to come at opening but you didn't oh well...........

You will find also that when you quit fighting them it will be easier on you and you may find the situation getting better because I would be willing to bet half of it is your sister seeing if she can get your goat and seeing if she can run everyone around after her. Take the fun away!!!

Just go with them when it doesn't matter like what days you go to Universal or Disney and save drawing a line in the sand for when it matters. (like picking a bridesmaid dress)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'd love to say it was about fairness, or getting my way, but really it's not. It's about a 25 year old crying in Cracker Barrel because that isn't where SHE wanted to eat and my mom giving in to her. It's about a 23 yr old throwing a crying, screaming fit in the middle of the bridal store because she wanted a specific dress for my wedding. (we weren't even shopping for bridesmaid dresses that day, she just decided to try some on while I was trying on dresses). It's about my mom pulling me aside and asking me to give in to my sister so that she would not have a fit.

It's about a 25 yr old who should know how to behave but doesn't because she had learned that even at 25 if you cry and scream your parents will be at your beck and call. It's about us being expected to cater to her no matter what to avoid her tantrums.

It's about parents who do not even ATTEMPT to handle it. They do whatever they can to avoid her having a fit and then making excuses about why they do the things they do.

It's about parents who say "well she is 25, we can't change her behavior now."

Yes, but you have to let it GO!!!!

I understand where you are coming from and believe me, I could talk about the current situation with my sister and the CRAZY SIL that would make you hair stand on end.

Your sister is mentally ill. Her behavior is abnormal.

What happens when you have parents that are in denial of their mentally ill children is that they feed into it because they do not know how or want to deal with it. They let the child sink into madness and ultimately it comes back to haunt them in way that is abusive.

I know you want your mom to stop it however you can't make them. They are a part of it.

What you can do right now is to stop fueling the dynamic and enjoy the visit by giving in.

I know that seems counterproductive but your visit coming up is not the time or place to work on sister's and parent's dysfunctional behaviors.

That needs to be done in a different setting and with a lot of planning and thought behind it.

Do not be "reactive". Instead look down the road and be proactive instead.

 

[ilovefh]

That is when YOU say "she is not my child, and ..........is going to happen" . Then you leave them to deal with it. I know full and well you probably won't do that, but as someone who is appalled at this behavior and never witnessed it...that would be what I would do.

The problem is, when I do that, I am the bad guy and my parents shut me out. That is the part that saddens me the most. When I do say "nope, sorry, it's my wedding and I don't want the Hummer limo, I think it's excessive," then no one will speak to me. It will eventually ruin my family and that's what makes me sad.

Sorry... forgot about your ticker!! Lol!

Ok..so follow what everyone else said. And for what it's worth, my brother is like this, married with three kids and still lives with my Father. Has never had a bank account,credit card, bought his own clothes or paid a bill. He's 34. He's the kind of sibling that made me want an only child.

I'll have a big creme brulee though and that will make me just as happy!

I would ask my Mom if she wanted to keep the breakfast res or go to opening at Universal on Thursday. Then do what ever she decides and just go with it. As you say you can go anytime so let her decide. If she would rather keep your Sis happy let her, do not let it bother you. Smile and say OK. then do it. If you can go any time does it really matter to you?

Don't try to convince her otherwise, just give her the choice and then go with the flow. While it is irritating you aren't going to change them so why fight it and get upset.

Do the ultra sound on Wed. On Thursday do what your mom picks, on Friday I guess you are going to Disney. Don't fight with them, don't try to reason with them just do it how they want and then just go along and smile. If it is crowded and she comments then just say well that is why I wanted to come at opening but you didn't oh well...........

You will find also that when you quit fighting them it will be easier on you and you may find the situation getting better because I would be willing to bet half of it is your sister seeing if she can get your goat and seeing if she can run everyone around after her. Take the fun away!!!

Just go with them when it doesn't matter like what days you go to Universal or Disney and save drawing a line in the sand for when it matters. (like picking a bridesmaid dress)

It drives me nuts that they treat things this way, but what really upsets me is we are expected to treat her this way too. For instance when I said no, I really want the other bridesmaid dress I was pulled aside and got a talking to from my mom about how I should really go along with my sister, that she rarely feels pretty and she feels pretty in that dress. A good sister would let her get that one. And when I refuse to give in I am the bad person. I am the one they stop talking to. I am the one that gets yelled at for not giving in to her. I am the one that gets yelled at for causing my sister to throw a tantrum when I could have just given in and made things easier.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It drives me nuts that they treat things this way, but what really upsets me is we are expected to treat her this way too. For instance when I said no, I really want the other bridesmaid dress I was pulled aside and got a talking to from my mom about how I should really go along with my sister, that she rarely feels pretty and she feels pretty in that dress. A good sister would let her get that one. And when I refuse to give in I am the bad person. I am the one they stop talking to. I am the one that gets yelled at for not giving in to her. I am the one that gets yelled at for causing my sister to throw a tantrum when I could have just given in and made things easier.

If it is so bad why are you having them visit you?