Family Vent

[handinpocket]

Honestly, I know this is just a "Vent"...so I'm not going to ride you. I just wouldn't do it...period... but I've been there done that and have stickers to prove it...lol.

Preserve your relationship with your parents and forget about her. I know you say "yay right"...I did too, but I let them know she was dead to me and they "got it". Yours will too. Just put your foot down and say, I'm done catering.

I am in no way saying to cut your sister off, that is just what I did and things did eventually smooth out.

 

[ilovefh]

Yes, but you have to let it GO!!!!

I understand where you are coming from and believe me, I could talk about the current situation with my sister and the CRAZY SIL that would make you hair stand on end.

Your sister is mentally ill. Her behavior is abnormal.

What happens when you have parents that are in denial of their mentally ill children is that they feed into it because they do not know how or want to deal with it. They let the child sink into madness and ultimately it comes back to haunt them in way that is abusive.

I know you want your mom to stop it however you can't make them. They are a part of it.

What you can do right now is to stop fueling the dynamic and enjoy the visit by giving in.

I know that seems counterproductive but your visit coming up is not the time or place to work on sister's and parent's dysfunctional behaviors.

That needs to be done in a different setting and with a lot of planning and thought behind it.

Do not be "reactive". Instead look down the road and be proactive instead.

You're right. And that is what I've told them. We don't care what they do while they're here or when they do it. We can go anytime.

We've had lots of talks about it over the years and it always ends with them burying their head in the sand. I'm really done talking to them about it. I just wish they'd be honest about it instead of making excuses. Like tonight. Just say "She made this breakfast reservation and if we ask her about changing it she'll throw a fit and we want to avoid that so we'd rather change our plans to accommodate that." My theory about behavior is if you have to deny you did/are doing it, then don't do it. If you're okay with your choice, just be honest.

It just makes me sad because I see this behavior as abnormal and I refuse to give in to it when it involves me. When I do this I get shut out and this ultimately will ruin us. There will come a point where they'll ask me to cater again and I won't and it will ruin us. That makes me very sad.

I'm glad we moved because my sister has said she doesn't agree with my theories on parenting and that when my son is with her she will disregard my rules. (like he won't be able to watch whatever the Family Guy equivalent is when he is older) I'm glad we won't have to fight that fight often because I know I would get no backing from my parents and ultimately I'd have to not allow her to be alone with him.

 

[ilovefh]

Honestly, I know this is just a "Vent"...so I'm not going to ride you. I just wouldn't do it...period... but I've been there done that and have stickers to prove it...lol.

Preserve your relationship with your parents and forget about her. I know you say "yay right"...I did too, but I let them know she was dead to me and they "got it". Yours will too. Just put your foot down and say, I'm done catering.

I am in no way saying to cut your sister off, that is just what I did and things did eventually smooth out.

You're right. It's just that middle ground where they won't talk to me that will be hard. But you're right, I'm sure they'd come around eventually.

 

[Belle0101]

I'm sorry for the situation you're finding yourself in.

Mine is similar in that my sister is a "drama llama".

My DH asked me today if I had spoken with her lately. I hadn't and told him so. Like you with your sister, he finds the situation kind of sad.

I can't remember the exact quote but basically what it means is people are the way they are because they get something out of it. People flock to my sister and her drama because they get some sort of gratification from it. I don't know if it's because they like to give advice, feel needed because she cries to them or just what.

I won't be around her drama or allow myself to be dragged into it because, quite frankly, when she did draw me into it it made me batty! She didn't want advice. She wanted the attention. Sorry, no can do.

All of which leads me to this, and you don't have to answer, I'm just throwing out the thought, what do your parents get out of enabling her act the way she does?

 

[ilovefh]

I'm sorry for the situation you're finding yourself in.

Mine is similar in that my sister is a "drama llama".

My DH asked me today if I had spoken with her lately. I hadn't and told him so. Like you with your sister, he finds the situation kind of sad.

I can't remember the exact quote but basically what it means is people are the way they are because they get something out of it. People flock to my sister and her drama because they get some sort of gratification from it. I don't know if it's because they like to give advice, feel needed because she cries to them or just what.

I won't be around her drama or allow myself to be dragged into it because, quite frankly, when she did draw me into it it made me batty! She didn't want advice. She wanted the attention. Sorry, no can do.

All of which leads me to this, and you don't have to answer, I'm just throwing out the thought, what do your parents get out of enabling her act the way she does?

Unlike your sister, people do not flock to mine. She literally has no friends. When they refuse to cater she gets mad and won't talk to them. I think that is also part of it for me...getting over feeling bad for her.

There really is more going on with her than this. She has no friends, she is angry a lot, she never says a good word about anyone, always must be right and is super competitive.

And to be honest, I think my mom just wants to feel needed. She likes doing her laundry because she feels needed. She did her hair until she was 23 because she likes to feel needed. I think at this point she is afraid to say no because she doesn't want to push my sister away and lose that feeling of being needed.

It may be because they thought my sister had a problem with her heart when she was younger and they rightly babied her. They just didn't start treating her like normal when they found out she didn't have a heart problem.

I think they also still view her like she is 5 years old. They have been coming to FL for the past few years for the winter, but this year they aren't. They don't want to leave her alone for 3 months. (She lives with her boyfriend)
This is just my best guess.

I don't think when I graduated I gave my mom that feeling of being needed. Two weeks after graduation I moved to NC for college. I moved to FL and back to NC and finally back to NH over the course of college. And now DH and I moved to FL. I think she feels a bit abandoned by me, especially now that we're having a baby. We skype, but it's not the same. She won't be here for his birth. She won't see him daily. That is part of why we scheduled the ultrasound for when they're here. We are pretty close, except for this one thing, and they would have experienced these things if we lived there still.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I would ask my Mom if she wanted to keep the breakfast res or go to opening at Universal on Thursday. Then do what ever she decides and just go with it. As you say you can go anytime so let her decide. If she would rather keep your Sis happy let her, do not let it bother you. Smile and say OK. then do it. If you can go any time does it really matter to you?

Don't try to convince her otherwise, just give her the choice and then go with the flow. While it is irritating you aren't going to change them so why fight it and get upset.

Do the ultra sound on Wed.

Yes. Whatever you do, DON'T change this. This appointment is non-negotiable. Doesn't matter whether it actually is or not, that's none of their business. Also, your husband's work schedule is non-negotiable.

Your mother can make her own choices from what's left. Does she want to be at Universal with him at rope drop? Thursday is her only day to do that. Does she want to kowtow to your sister and go to Universal later in the day, or for rope drop alone or without your husband on a different day? That's fine too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Unlike your sister, people do not flock to mine. She literally has no friends. When they refuse to cater she gets mad and won't talk to them. I think that is also part of it for me...getting over feeling bad for her.

There really is more going on with her than this. She has no friends, she is angry a lot, she never says a good word about anyone, always must be right and is super competitive.

And to be honest, I think my mom just wants to feel needed. She likes doing her laundry because she feels needed. She did her hair until she was 23 because she likes to feel needed. I think at this point she is afraid to say no because she doesn't want to push my sister away and lose that feeling of being needed.

It may be because they thought my sister had a problem with her heart when she was younger and they rightly babied her. They just didn't start treating her like normal when they found out she didn't have a heart problem.

I think they also still view her like she is 5 years old. They have been coming to FL for the past few years for the winter, but this year they aren't. They don't want to leave her alone for 3 months. (She lives with her boyfriend)
This is just my best guess.

I don't think when I graduated I gave my mom that feeling of being needed. Two weeks after graduation I moved to NC for college. I moved to FL and back to NC and finally back to NH over the course of college. And now DH and I moved to FL. I think she feels a bit abandoned by me, especially now that we're having a baby. We skype, but it's not the same. She won't be here for his birth. She won't see him daily. That is part of why we scheduled the ultrasound for when they're here. We are pretty close, except for this one thing, and they would have experienced these things if we lived there still.

I hate it when people cannot see that their family members are mentally ill. Your sister is sick. It has nothing to do with your desire to be normal.

Your sister and mother are involved in an unhealthy abnormal relationship.

Guess what? It does not end well.

You cannot force your mother to change. However YOU can change.

Now I do not recommend doing this 31 weeks pregnant while they are here visiting you for your ultrasound but I do say that I want you to observe through different eyes and not say much.

Look at them in a "petri dish" if you will, gain insight into what the dynamic is and then later down the road begin to change your attitude toward them. Hopefully you can steer your mother toward sanity. If you can't then at least you tried. Wait until she is a low point or at a crossroads with sister and then go for the jugular.

With my sister's SIL, it took their mom dying of cancer to finally realize how sick her dd was. Imagine your sister at 40+ doing this stuff to mom. It does get worse, trust me. You have not seen anything yet.

 

[mhsjax]

I hate it when people cannot see that their family members are mentally ill. Your sister is sick. It has nothing to do with your desire to be normal.

Your sister and mother are involved in an unhealthy abnormal relationship.

Guess what? It does not end well.

You cannot force your mother to change. However YOU can change.

Now I do not recommend doing this 31 weeks pregnant while they are here visiting you for your ultrasound but I do say that I want you to observe through different eyes and not say much.

Look at them in a "petri dish" if you will, gain insight into what the dynamic is and then later down the road begin to change your attitude toward them. Hopefully you can steer your mother toward sanity. If you can't then at least you tried. Wait until she is a low point or at a crossroads with sister and then go for the jugular.

With my sister's SIL, it took their mom dying of cancer to finally realize how sick her dd was. Imagine your sister at 40+ doing this stuff to mom. It does get worse, trust me. You have not seen anything yet.

Yep it gets worse. At some point the parents pass away, then the OP's sister is left with no one to cater to her. She will really have problems. I have seen this happen.

 

[Nancyg56]

That is when YOU say "she is not my child, and ..........is going to happen" . Then you leave them to deal with it. I know full and well you probably won't do that, but as someone who is appalled at this behavior and never witnessed it...that would be what I would do.

THis.

The problem is, when I do that, I am the bad guy and my parents shut me out. That is the part that saddens me the most. When I do say "nope, sorry, it's my wedding and I don't want the Hummer limo, I think it's excessive," then no one will speak to me. It will eventually ruin my family and that's what makes me sad.


.

I know that this is hard but there is going to come a time when you just need to let that happen. You cannot change another person's behavior but you can ensure that those people know that they cannot use emotional blackmail on you. You telling your sister no is not ruining your family, your parents refusing to deal with her behavior is the problem.

I think that this visit is going to be a bust but I would tell my Mom that after this, all bets are off. If she wants Sis to plan a trip she can go for it and you will join them when it works for you.

I would also let them all know that your first priority is your baby so you are not going to tolerate any adult temper tantrums in his presence so they all better figure out how to behave in your home and around your family. Good luck

 

[Disney Doll]

The problem is, when I do that, I am the bad guy and my parents shut me out. That is the part that saddens me the most. When I do say "nope, sorry, it's my wedding and I don't want the Hummer limo, I think it's excessive," then no one will speak to me. It will eventually ruin my family and that's what makes me sad.



I'll have a big creme brulee though and that will make me just as happy!



It drives me nuts that they treat things this way, but what really upsets me is we are expected to treat her this way too. For instance when I said no, I really want the other bridesmaid dress I was pulled aside and got a talking to from my mom about how I should really go along with my sister, that she rarely feels pretty and she feels pretty in that dress. A good sister would let her get that one. And when I refuse to give in I am the bad person. I am the one they stop talking to. I am the one that gets yelled at for not giving in to her. I am the one that gets yelled at for causing my sister to throw a tantrum when I could have just given in and made things easier.

Well, then perhaps you have to distance yourself somewhat from your parenst as well. They are an integral part of your whole problem.

The way I see it you have some choices:

1. Resign yourself to the fact that this is how it is and if you want to maintain a relationship with your parents, then you will have to put up with your crazy sister. You can look forward to the fact that someday when your parents are gone, you will be able to write your sister off and never see her again. Nothing lasts forever.

2. Decide that the frustration and aggravation your crazy sister/parent relationship dynamic causes you is more than you can handle and so you are willing to forego a close relationship with your parents because they defend her. Then you can say to all of them "This doesn't work for me", and go on to live your life without them in it, unless they choose to meet you on your terms and not your sister's.

What you are NOT going to do is change the dynamic. Your mother is correct in saying that sister is 25 and it's not going to change. Your sister is mentally ill. Your parents have enabled it instead of getting her the help she needed when she was younger. In essence, this is their "fault", insofar as they missed the boat with regard to admitting that one of their children was mentally ill and therefore missed their opportunity to help her. You may not think they realize this, but believe me, they do. Their "acceptance" of her is their way to try and rationalize their mistake of not getting her help...if she is kept reasonably normal as long as she gets her way, then they couldn't have been that bad, could they have?????? The fact is, they screwed up royally with her, and they know it.

My DH has a crazy sister, with much the same dynamic. His mother, moreso than his father, enabled the bad behavior. Her constant refrain was "Just do what she wants to keep the peace". In an effort to not distress my late DMIL, that is what the siblings and their spouses did. It was a concious choice everyone made knowing that the consequences were dealing with the nut. Then both in-laws passed away within 9 months of each other. Crazy SIL got a little tough love, by being told point blank that the party was over, Mama wasn't here to protect her anymore, she would reap the consequences of her bad behavior and that we would all write her off as if she never existed if her behavior continued to be offensive. There were a couple of growing pains, there were a couple of times when I had to ask her "is it time for me to do the write off?" but she got the idea. She now behaves reasonably well, we are able to maintain a cordial relationship. She knows if she crosses us, she's done. However, I know full well that getting her under control would not have been possible had my DMIL still been alive enabling and protecting her.

Unfortunately OP, you are in the same boat. Your sister's behavior will continue until your parents are gone. Right now, good or bad, right or worng, fair or unfair, they are on her side & you are not going to change it, so accept it or distance yourself from all of them.

It is a difficult position to be in and I feel for you....

 

[Carnie]

The other thing you have to consider is this, in the future, is your mom going to expect you to step up and fill this role she created for herself when she is gone?

I worry that she is going to ask you to do this, forcing you to promise something you clearly don't want to (or shouldn't, IMO) do to enable this behavior.

I literally cringed at what you had to say. How embarrasing, for everyone involved.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'd love to say it was about fairness, or getting my way, but really it's not. It's about a 25 year old crying in Cracker Barrel because that isn't where SHE wanted to eat and my mom giving in to her. It's about a 23 yr old throwing a crying, screaming fit in the middle of the bridal store because she wanted a specific dress for my wedding. (we weren't even shopping for bridesmaid dresses that day, she just decided to try some on while I was trying on dresses). It's about my mom pulling me aside and asking me to give in to my sister so that she would not have a fit.

It's about a 25 yr old who should know how to behave but doesn't because she had learned that even at 25 if you cry and scream your parents will be at your beck and call. It's about us being expected to cater to her no matter what to avoid her tantrums.

It's about parents who do not even ATTEMPT to handle it. They do whatever they can to avoid her having a fit and then making excuses about why they do the things they do.

It's about parents who say "well she is 25, we can't change her behavior now."

I'm sorry, OP. It must be very difficult to have to deal with that (even long distance).

This is what happens when special snowflakes grow up and I hope some posters recognize it and put a stop to this behavior in their young children. So they don't have to deal with this crap when they are grown children.

 

[SaraJayne]

I hate it when people cannot see that their family members are mentally ill. Your sister is sick. It has nothing to do with your desire to be normal.

Your sister and mother are involved in an unhealthy abnormal relationship.

Guess what? It does not end well.

You cannot force your mother to change. However YOU can change.

Now I do not recommend doing this 31 weeks pregnant while they are here visiting you for your ultrasound but I do say that I want you to observe through different eyes and not say much.

Look at them in a "petri dish" if you will, gain insight into what the dynamic is and then later down the road begin to change your attitude toward them. Hopefully you can steer your mother toward sanity. If you can't then at least you tried. Wait until she is a low point or at a crossroads with sister and then go for the jugular.

With my sister's SIL, it took their mom dying of cancer to finally realize how sick her dd was. Imagine your sister at 40+ doing this stuff to mom. It does get worse, trust me. You have not seen anything yet.

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

 

[Agri]

My advice is to stop trying to fix your parents' visits. If they've decided on Kona and Universal, no matter how stupid most people know that idea is, just let it go. Giggle in your mind but keep your mouth shut. If you want to do something your sister doesn't, just go ahead and walk away and do it. Don't make a big deal out of it, just say "Well I don't feel like that, so we'll go do this and meet up with you later." Don't make apologies, don't make an argument out of it - just leave your parents to deal with your sister.

If your parents don't want to visit because of your sister, just say "Oh, that's really disappointing, I was looking forward to spending some quality time with you two." Or nothing.

Let her be your parents' problem, not yours.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

I wish it was that simple however it clearly is not from the postings that the OP is doing. What OP "sees" is just the tip of the iceberg.

Crying at Cracker Barrel at her age is mentally unstable.

When they came down in August she wanted to eat breakfast at the Main St. Bakery. The rest of us wanted actual breakfast vs. pastries so we discussed it and decided on Cracker Barrel. She refused to eat at Cracker Barrel and cried. To make her feel better my mom didn't eat either and waited and ate at the bakery with her.

 

[SaraJayne]

I wish it was that simple however it clearly is not from the postings that the OP is doing. What OP "sees" is just the tip of the iceberg.

Crying at Cracker Barrel at her age is mentally unstable.

If crying gets her her way, she does it. Doesn't make her mentally unstable.

Regardless, OP, I hope you're able to have a peaceful visit with your parents.

Congrats on your pregnancy and enjoy your ultrasound.

 

[cabanafrau]

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

It's likely that was the pebble that started the avalanche, but from what the OP has described, it has indeed manifested into mental illness all these years down the road. Significant parts of her personality have not been allowed to mature and grow. There's no quick fix for that.

Unfortunately this is common in many families, with parents ignoring the twinges of guilt & the warning bells until they start to feel advancing age & wonder about their own mortality.

 

[Heidict]

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

I agree. She is a spoiled brat, not mentally ill. I really don't even think a psychiatrist can diagnose someone as mentally ill over a few postings from the sister on a message board. Especially something as stupid as crying. Now, if she was running around with a knife threatening to kill someone, we could all call that one. This one though, just reeks of snowflake syndrome.

I feel for you OP, my sister could throw a fit or two if she didn't get her way, and loved to pout. Of course, she is was mild in comparison to your DS. And no, my DS was not mentally ill.

 

[dawson5]

OP I just want to wish you luck with the 4d ultrasound with all the family. Is your sister going to be there for that also? Seems to me that she likes to be the focus of attention and I would fear how she might want to turn this (your) day into something about her and how she might try to find a way to spoil it. I would have some kind of plan in place if she does attempt something of this nature.

 

[jama]

Why not get to Universal at opening on Friday morning? Then you don't have to switch anything. Either this or tell your mom to discuss with sis and make itinerary..tell her you are fine with anything you just are looking forward to spending time with them..
Although it sounds to me that your mom wants to change plans, but is afraid of your sister so it is easier to blame you for switching plans...then your sister is mad at you and not your mom.