Family Vent

[Mermaid02]

Have you thought about calling your sister out on her immature behavior and tactics?

"Maybe your BS will work on Mom and Dad, but not on me. Grow up and act your age."

So everyone get's po'd at you- what are you out- really?

 

[scottishduffy]

OP I understand you, only it is my older brother who is the difficult one.

He doesn't throw temper tantrums per se, but he is stubborn as a mule. He just whines and keeps going at something. Guilting the people involved, threatening to cancel all plans unless everything is done his way. My parents mainly cater to him now because my Mom and Dad are afraid that he will take Nephew away if they don't. (yes... my brother throws out THAT card).

Just this past year my parents have gotten better with standing up to him, but it is still tough dealing with him. Now that my parents are a bit better we can get together and coordinate what our family response will be to a particular antic. I don't bend but Brother still tries. The issue is still that out of 6-8 crazy demands brother makes, they will choose one which annoys them the most to make a stand. Though tehy still give in to the rest. Oh well, I remove myself from the situation and let it be.

My sympathy is with you!

 

[Nancyg56]

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

You can call her anything you wish but one thing you cannot say is that this is the normal behavior of a 25 YO woman. Unfortunately her behavior is not likely to be changed by a few symbolic times in a time out chair. Her family dynamic is not helping either as her parents are as invested in her behavior as she is. Unless she gets some professional assistance she is not going to be able to change what is clearly an acceptable behavior and mindset in her eyes. I must say that I have never seen an adult throw a temper tantrum that included a crying jag in public before and I hope I never do see one. In the event i did I would be questioning her mental state.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

She's not mentally ill she is a PIA BRAT! I can't believe that people would allow their child to act that way. You can be spoiled and not a brat.

The BM dress I can kind of understand- ONLY because there are so many body types. I also personally think it's nice when the MOH gets a different styled dress but int he same family of Fabric and color.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You can call her anything you wish but one thing you cannot say is that this is the normal behavior of a 25 YO woman. Unfortunately her behavior is not likely to be changed by a few symbolic times in a time out chair. Her family dynamic is not helping either as her parents are as invested in her behavior as she is. Unless she gets some professional assistance she is not going to be able to change what is clearly an acceptable behavior and mindset in her eyes. I must say that I have never seen an adult throw a temper tantrum that included a crying jag in public before and I hope I never do see one. In the event i did I would be questioning her mental state.

Right and not only that, you do not know how sick she really is. This is her "getting her way".

Try changing things with her and then that is when you REALLY see the crazy come out.

You might see violence, abuse of parents, or who knows what.

This is not a child, it is an adult who needs some help.

 

[AndreaDM]

You know, I have a feeling her behavior is going to get worse after you have the baby. She's the center of your parents' attention and once they have a new "baby" to lavish their affection on, she is going to be one big brat! Just be prepared!

It absolutely astonishes me to see adults who behave this way. It sucks you have to deal with her, but at least you did move away!

 

[Disney Doll]

So OP, you have pretty goodinsight into the causes of this mess....mama who "needs to be needed" and daughter who is ,essentially, developmentally delayed because Mom needed to be needed and needed to keep someone dependent on her.

About the best you're going to be able to do is make sure that everyone is well aware that when Mom and Dad are gone, the party is over for Sis.

 

[Teacher03]

OP you have my sympathies.....I am in the same boat except my sister is
40. She is the baby in the family and has ruled since the day she was born. My parents constantly gave in to her. My mom passed away in 2006 and my dad is continuing the foolishness. It has seriously impacted my relationship with my dad.

I don't believe the OP's sis is mentally ill....she does what works for her. And it will continue to work for as long as it is allowed.

 

[hereyago]

You know, I have a feeling her behavior is going to get worse after you have the baby. She's the center of your parents' attention and once they have a new "baby" to lavish their affection on, she is going to be one big brat! Just be prepared!

It absolutely astonishes me to see adults who behave this way. It sucks you have to deal with her, but at least you did move away!

And I shudder to think if the DSIS has a child and everyone will be taking the attention away from her and put it on the child.

When the parents pass, well before they pass, I am sure they will be asking the OP to help "take care" of the sis because she can't do it on her own.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Whether you agree she is ill or just a brat, you cannot be in that dsyfunction with any amount of sanity.

If OP wants them to visit her, then she should expect that they are going to act bizarre.

Fighting them and putting yourself in their dysfunction is just NOT worth it at this point in the OPs life.

OP should just ignore the weirdness, tantrums, passive-aggressiveness from mom, and attempt to have a decent time while they visit for the ultrasound.

Otherwise OP needs to tell them that it is too much for her to handle and tell them to stay home.

 

[sharbear]

I know it hurts but your parents get mad at you and don't talk to you when you don't let your sister get her way because IT WORKS! You give in, your mother doesn't have to do anything and your sister gets her way. It's much easier for her this way. She knows you are going to give in and she manipulates you this way.

The best way to handle it. Let them do what they want to do and you do what you want to do. Once you say no, I'm not going to let you manipulate me and stick to it, then you are empowered not them. Don't get mad, don't get upset, just don't let them do anything to you that you don't want. Say this is what I'm going to do and stick to it.

They'll come around once they know you aren't a pushover. What's the downside? I'm sure that they won't spend their whole lives not talking to you.

 

[WDSearcher]

I'd love to say it was about fairness, or getting my way, but really it's not. It's about a 25 year old crying in Cracker Barrel because that isn't where SHE wanted to eat and my mom giving in to her. It's about a 23 yr old throwing a crying, screaming fit in the middle of the bridal store because she wanted a specific dress for my wedding. (we weren't even shopping for bridesmaid dresses that day, she just decided to try some on while I was trying on dresses). It's about my mom pulling me aside and asking me to give in to my sister so that she would not have a fit.

It's about a 25 yr old who should know how to behave but doesn't because she had learned that even at 25 if you cry and scream your parents will be at your beck and call. It's about us being expected to cater to her no matter what to avoid her tantrums.

It's about parents who do not even ATTEMPT to handle it. They do whatever they can to avoid her having a fit and then making excuses about why they do the things they do.

It's about parents who say "well she is 25, we can't change her behavior now."

No ... it's really not. It's about you getting angry at something over which you have no control.

Sounds like it's been going on for quite some time. You know it's going to happen. You know you can't stop it or change it. So you can either deal with it or not. Those are really your only two choices. You cannot control other people, you can only control how YOU react to them. Stop thinking about how wrong it is and just accept that it is how it is. You don't live near them, you don't live with your sister, you don't have to deal with the day-to-day.

I agree with Mystery Machine. How many times a year do you see your family? Is it that big of a deal to give your sister her way if it keeps the peace? Maybe not causing any drama will cut off the entitlement spigott. You're buying into the same thing you accuse your mom of doing, you're just approaching it from the other end. Your mom isn't doing anything to end the drama, but neither are you.

Stop trying to change these people. Stop trying to 'win'. Just chuckle to yourself, shake your head and marvel at your wacky family. You'll be a lot happier!

 

[TLuvsD]

I like Mystery Machine's advice. This is no longer your problem....it's simple. Mom, Dh only has Wed and Thur off. Do you want to go to Universal on Thurs? yes, no, maybe so it's all up to your MOM. Not your problem. Mom doesn't get to go to Universal in the morning because she caters to DSis, her problem not yours. The trick in all this is not to get sucked into the drama...and to stand your ground. DH isn't taking another day off, the option is Thursday, if Mom wants a.m. she deals with DSis.
You need to start practicing this now, before the baby arrives. My DH's sister used to drive us around the bend for holidays/events. Change the time a day before, etc. Finally we just said these are our plans, period. And stopped changing things to accomodate her whims. Life became so much less stressful. My in-laws didn't like it, but they did understand it. If they wanted us all there at the same time, no last minute changes (I'm not talking emergancy situations, I'm talking about SIL deciding to go the the neighbors before coming to the family event, so the time had to change...again). All of this made it impossible for us to plan any time with my family. One holiday changed three times before we opted out. Removing ourselves from the drama reduced stress so much. If In-Laws wanted to cater to her, they were welcome to do it. No fights, no hassle, but we were not going to put up with the behavior any longer. Just opt out.

 

[Nancyg56]

I like Mystery Machine's advice. This is no longer your problem....it's simple. Mom, Dh only has Wed and Thur off. Do you want to go to Universal on Thurs? yes, no, maybe so it's all up to your MOM. Not your problem. Mom doesn't get to go to Universal in the morning because she caters to DSis, her problem not yours. The trick in all this is not to get sucked into the drama...and to stand your ground. DH isn't taking another day off, the option is Thursday, if Mom wants a.m. she deals with DSis.
You need to start practicing this now, before the baby arrives. My DH's sister used to drive us around the bend for holidays/events. Change the time a day before, etc. Finally we just said these are our plans, period. And stopped changing things to accomodate her whims. Life became so much less stressful. My in-laws didn't like it, but they did understand it. If they wanted us all there at the same time, no last minute changes (I'm not talking emergancy situations, I'm talking about SIL deciding to go the the neighbors before coming to the family event, so the time had to change...again). All of this made it impossible for us to plan any time with my family. One holiday changed three times before we opted out. Removing ourselves from the drama reduced stress so much. If In-Laws wanted to cater to her, they were welcome to do it. No fights, no hassle, but we were not going to put up with the behavior any longer. Just opt out.

Perfect advice. I had a SIS Il who was like this. SHe was a cluster adn her Mom and Dad bent over backwards to keep her drama to a minimum. The more they did this the worse it became, like she was trying to see how far they would go. I finally had enough and opted out of the insanity. I went if I could join them, if plans got changed i told them i was sorry. Period. No more jumping throiugh hoops. She never changed but I wa not upset anymore.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I see some of you figured out "how to win"?

In all seriousness, IT IS really sad that your mom and sister are this way but at some point you have to "opt out" and move on no matter what the issue is.

Your mom and sister are adults and if they want to live a crazy life then that is on them. You DON'T have to participate.

Speaking as the older sibling as well....IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE IN CHARGE OF THEM.....you can let one go.

It is not easy at first and it does get weird because THEY expect you to behave in the way you always have. I don't think that ever goes away to be honest.

What you can do is enjoy the time with them instead of keeping them on "trial" so to speak, constantly judging your mom and sister for their crap.

I know this is morbid however in the beginning I pretended that they were going to die soon and how would I want to spend my last moments with them. I just used it as a tool to change my behavior toward my family. I still do it with my parents because honestly it is a truth. I would rather spend my time with them "happy" than nitpick everything they are doing wrong. I still don't agree with things and I will help if they ask but they know they are going to hear it.

I would say it has been over 5yrs of changing my attitude and while I won't say I agree with my mom and her baloney and am not also quiet about some things I also don't dwell either and accepted that this is how they are and that is how they will always be.

 

[goofyernmost]

I disagree. She isn't mentally ill...she's just a brat that was never told no.

If crying gets her her way, she does it. Doesn't make her mentally unstable.

Regardless, OP, I hope you're able to have a peaceful visit with your parents.

Congrats on your pregnancy and enjoy your ultrasound.

I agree. She is a spoiled brat, not mentally ill. I really don't even think a psychiatrist can diagnose someone as mentally ill over a few postings from the sister on a message board. Especially something as stupid as crying. Now, if she was running around with a knife threatening to kill someone, we could all call that one. This one though, just reeks of snowflake syndrome.

I feel for you OP, my sister could throw a fit or two if she didn't get her way, and loved to pout. Of course, she is was mild in comparison to your DS. And no, my DS was not mentally ill.

She's not mentally ill she is a PIA BRAT! I can't believe that people would allow their child to act that way. You can be spoiled and not a brat.

The BM dress I can kind of understand- ONLY because there are so many body types. I also personally think it's nice when the MOH gets a different styled dress but int he same family of Fabric and color.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

Now can we all say together...denial? Of course, she is mentally unstable and for the life of me I do not understand why anyone would think that this is just a "spoiled child" now grown. With maturity the overwhelming part of "spoiled" fades. This doesn't seem to be happening.

My X-wife had the same problem, sort of, and believe me no amount of behavior modification worked when there was no consequence. The problem, believe it or not, is not the behavior but instead what is causing the behavior to manifest itself. It wasn't until my X had finally ripped through her entire family and friends and then started to go after strangers that the consequences started to happen. She eventually was hospitalized and given, without her consent, the proper diagnosis and treatment that enabled her to become a likable human being again.

So in this case, sadly, I agree that with the present dynamic nothing is going to change any time soon. One can isolate themselves from this problem, but at the same time run the risk of the wrath of family that feels that they are left alone to deal with it. The only thing you can do if you wish to maintain a relationship with your parents is to just let it happen and try not to let it bother you.

That said, I must also interject that you have a right to happiness as well. If something, like your wedding, is important to you, why shouldn't everyone be as sympathetic to your needs as the are to hers. The reason, of course, is because you would have let them. It's a very real balancing act, but must be played out if you are to feel good about yourself. As long as the sister refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem, it will never get fixed.

I used to always have the thought that mental illness is the reason for certain behaviors, but it never should be allowed to be an excuse for it.

 

[Heidict]

Now can we all say together...denial? Of course, she is mentally unstable and for the life of me I do not understand why anyone would think that this is just a "spoiled child" now grown. With maturity the overwhelming part of "spoiled" fades. This doesn't seem to be happening.

Denial? Why would I be in denial? I could care less whether or not she is mentally unstable, I don't know her from Adam.

I am just amazed at the abilities of some posters. How they are able to make a medical diagnosis of a total stranger living hundreds of miles away from them. They have learned nothing of this person other then some third hand info that they are getting off of a message board.

I must of not gotten my medical degree and crystal ball when signing up for the board. Who do I see for that?

Mental illness is a serious issue and when people throw the name around for every Tom, Dick and Harry that acts a bit off, it devalues the seriousness of it.

 

[SaraJayne]

Denial? Why would I be in denial? I could care less whether or not she is mentally unstable, I don't know her from Adam.

I am just amazed at the abilities of some posters. How they are able to make a medical diagnosis of a total stranger living hundreds of miles away from them. They have learned nothing of this person other then some third hand info that they are getting off of a message board.

I must of not gotten my medical degree and crystal ball when signing up for the board. Who do I see for that?

Mental illness is a serious issue and when people throw the name around for every Tom, Dick and Harry that acts a bit off, it devalues the seriousness of it.

The OP's sister uses what works for her to get her own way. We all know grown people (both men and women) that pout when they don't get their own way. Doesn't make them mentally unstable.

 

[cabanafrau]

Denial? Why would I be in denial? I could care less whether or not she is mentally unstable, I don't know her from Adam.

I am just amazed at the abilities of some posters. How they are able to make a medical diagnosis of a total stranger living hundreds of miles away from them. They have learned nothing of this person other then some third hand info that they are getting off of a message board.

I must of not gotten my medical degree and crystal ball when signing up for the board. Who do I see for that?

Mental illness is a serious issue and when people throw the name around for every Tom, Dick and Harry that acts a bit off, it devalues the seriousness of it.

You make some valid points and I agree with you to a point. However, you have no idea what frame of reference other people may be viewing the same "evidence" through, anecdotal though it may be. Assuming the details described by the OP are true, I stand by my mental illness assessment, crystal ball and all.

What's heartbreaking is personalities like this may seem like they're "winning" and they may even revel in their victories. What's underneath is very, very sad and very, very fearful. At some level they don't want to be like they are, yet they don't have any idea how to get out and are absolutely terrified to even try, which is a vicious cycle.

It's a good reminder to all of us as parents to do a frequent gut check & honestly look at what we're doing raising our kids. Natural instinct is to want to protect, provide and assist -- help them get to the top & win. It's so important that we remember to step back, let them do the climbing, encourage them to keep striving for their wins and let them take a few tumbles so they learn they are capable of getting back on their feet themselves. Easy to say, almost impossible to do sometimes.

 

[almburr]

I know how you feel. My sister is the one. She is 25 with 3 kids from diffrent men. never has had a job, will not work anywhere because she says that it is beneath her, She cannot contol her kids. Our parents pay all her bills and whatever she wants. I know how you feel in regards to the wedding I had to have my sister in the wedding so she wouldnt feel left out. they bend over backwards for her, saying they do it for the grandkids. Sister has always been like this never had to do anything for herself. she will not go places like grocery shopping, the doctor with out our mother with her. I dont like the way she treats our parents. She is physically violent with my mom and they do nothing about it. She wanted some money to buy stuff and mom said no so sister beat her up and yelled 'If you would have just given me the money i wouldnt have to hit you' I told mom if ever I see another bruise or hear about my sister hitting her again I would call the cops. They justify everthing 'because of the kids' and get mad at me for not giving her money or play into web. I hardly talk to her and it doesnt really bother me. What bothers me is when my kids ask "why does Grandma and Grandad always spend time with Aunt A, and cousins and not us?" we live 4blocks apart.

I try to think of it this way ;I have a good life and wonderful family great kids and friends. I dont need her in my life.

So Op I really feel for you, have your family and you might just have to cut ties with your sister.

I do have a couple questions: does your sister live with your parents? does she work? why does she have to go on vacation with your parents?