Family Members wanting MONEY

[PrettyInTink]

Does any one else have this problem? We are Disnney addicts, we are always planning a new trip. We work very hard for our $$$ but it seems that our family members (mostly siblings) are constantly sticking their hand out and saying "You can afford it, you go to Disney all the time!" This makes me so angry! They also complain about $$$ and say "Must be nice to be able to blow your money on vacations". All this while asking for a handout! They have also made nasty comments to our d kids like " you are spoiled, you don't deserve to go on vacations while everyone else sits home" What? My children don't deserve to reap the benefits of my hard work and go on vacation to make memories that will last a lifetime for us? I know they are jealous, but we dion't flaunt it or ANYTHING and our kids are VERY grateful for any place we go. I feel like saying " It's not my fault you live in a shack because you make plenty of $$$ but just blow it on junk". This same person recently called my dh and asked "hypothetically, if a class 4 hurricane hits the coast we live on can we come stay at your house?" The answer was a resounding NO! They would never leave!! They act like we OWE them something just because we do OK. We drive truck nation wide for jeez sake. It's not like we are fatcats in an office some where living the good life. Our job is hard. I was just wanting to know if anyone else gets a hard time about money on vacations from family members or if anyone has anytips for the next time these people stick their hand out, because they wiil, that's the only time they ever call!!!!!!!!

 

[RockyMtnMaria]

Well, I don't have family asking for money, but friends make comments about our vacations. I just tell them that we all choose to spend our money differently, and this is where we spend ours. Travel is a high priority to us. We have old (paid for) vehicles, and no debt except for our house. We spend very little beyond food and travel. And we lived in appts, duplexes etc. for years until we could COMFORTABALLY buy a house, rather than stretching our budget from the beginning and growing into it. Even then we bought the cheapest house that worked well for us. We qualified for about twice what we wanted.

I know that SOME people truly have money for the necessities, but most are choices. The annual budget for my BIL's smoking habit would pay for our Disney trip, but he needs money from Grandma constantly. Yes, my dh has a better job than my BIL, but my dh has EARNED his job and has made wise life choices.

BTW, my BIL moved in with us once. It only lasted 3 days. I didn't wait on him hand an foot, and I yelled at him for leaving his dirty underwear in MY bathroom only an hour after he got there, lol! He had his own bathroom.

 

[pixiewytch]

We do get some scrutiny for our Disney trips. Since we live in Fl it is a bit more convenient for us to go than some. We may go for just the day or dine at a resort there...we usually plan only one "vacation" there a year and it is never lavish...either camping or value or offsite. Nevertheless we do spend a lot of money on Disney in general, on merchandise, pins, special events, dining, and occasional trips. We are by no means wealthy, not even close, but since my parents could never afford to take me they think it is ludicrous for us to spend our money on such things when we don't have the fancy house, cars, etc. As someone else mentioned, we have used cars with no car payment and a teeny tiny house. While some people choose to spend their money on a fancy home with huge vehicles, a boat, etc. we like to spend ours differently. Disney is a passion of mine. If I had the fat mortgage payment for the nice house I wouldn't be able to afford going to Disney at all. Some people can have it all but on our income we will always have to pick and choose. It is all a matter of personal choice. To me there is no point in having a huge house, a brand new vehicle, and a lot of debt just to sit home and never be able to do anything.

Just remember that judgement goes both ways. It sounds like your family is unfairly judging your financial choices and saying uncalled for things to your children but it also sounds like you are doing a little of the same yourself. Just as you choose to spend your money one way they choose another. I don't think either is right or wrong, just a very personal family decision.

Now I would never, ever impose on staying at anyone's house without them offering first but I would also hope that my own family would offer their home as a safe refuge if my life was in danger, regardless of what my financial status was. I don't personally know your family. Maybe they are freeloaders and that is why you say what you do but I do get tired of friends and family members acting like they are better, more deserving, or making wiser decisions just because they have certain things. Having those things doesn't mean thing to me if I never have the freedom to go anywhere and enjoy life.

 

[deekaypee]

Well, I don't have family asking for money, but friends make comments about our vacations. I just tell them that we all choose to spend our money differently, and this is where we spend ours. Travel is a high priority to us. We have old (paid for) vehicles, and no debt except for our house. We spend very little beyond food and travel. And we lived in appts, duplexes etc. for years until we could COMFORTABALLY buy a house, rather than stretching our budget from the beginning and growing into it. Even then we bought the cheapest house that worked well for us. We qualified for about twice what we wanted.

My situation almost exactly the same--travel is a high priority, where we spend most of our discretionary income. We have one 12-year old car, we carpool, bike and walk, and are saving money for a house. But we also travel quite a bit. You wouldn't believe the number of times my MIL and FIL have dropped the hint that we should travel less--unless it's to visit them--and buy a house (much larger and more expense than we need). So thanks for posting this response; I feel better just hearing others out here have similar values.

Back to OP, we don't have a large family but we do occasionally get the veiled request--like the negative reaction to our suggestion that we limit the $ spent on Christmas presents. We were simply trying to suggest that the holidays aren't about the gifts but the time together, but the reaction was...wow! I won't go into detail, but the reaction pretty much criticized how we choose to spend money on ourselves and not on others; we waste money on frivolous things like trips to Disney, a choice which is particularly offensive to because we have already been so many times. Tips? I wish I had some. In my case, like with the holidays, we realized we couldn't convince other people to share in our sense of the Christmas spirit. For our extended family, big presents were a way to create big memories. So we stopped trying to convince them to see things our way and instead tried to appreciate how they were saying "I love you." But everyone got donations in their name to our favorite charities from us while we graciously thanked them for the lavish gifts. It was uncomfortable, but I kept telling myself that we have a right--no, an obligation--to live by our values and not by others'. It's important that we communicate our values to our family without expecting them to adopt those values for themselves. And vice versa.

Hmmmm, maybe you could use something like that with your family? It sounds like it's time to have a conversation with your siblings about how the implied value judgment about your household's values hurts and interferes with the closeness of your extended family. I'm sure that's not what they mean to do, but that's the effect. And perhaps your extended family doesn't see what your choices mean for your household. To me, it sounds to me like what you're trying to do is instill in your children a strong work ethic, with any financial rewards invested in creating quality family memories instead of being used to collect more "stuff" (to use George Carlin's term). And it sounds like your siblings have different values--different, not necessarily worse--and they need to know that while you respect their choices you cannot be expected to support them.

 

[siestakeys04]

i have inlaws that do the same thing they dont work and dh is the only one that does they call for money and dont call for anything else. dh birthday was last thursday no one called not even he dad ever and we have been together for 13 years. I know how you feel. we are going to disney!!!

 

[spiceycat]

I definitely understand.

I live in a 1-bedroom condo my choice. My brother lives in a 4-bedroom house - his choice. although there are 4 in his family.

life is about choices. and what you value in life.

My neighborhood is very safe and close to work 2 1/2 miles. which is why I brought it instead of the houses - they were not close to work or in an area I would feel comfortable living alone.

How to say no to relatives who want your money? I don't know. I have say 'NO' - but then regretted it...

they definitely know how to work on us....

you will appreciate this....

when he calls - I generally ask immediately 'what do you want'.... because he nevers calls to find our how me or mother (lives close by) are doing....

while I try to call them once a week.

 

[PrettyInTink]

We have let my dh's brother move in with us twice and both times I have had to move out of a rental because he would not leave. I guess I should clarify that YES these people are freeloaders and I never judged them until they started being so hateful. We have an old payed 4 car as well. And I am a proud walmart shopper! By no means are we rich

 

[PrettyInTink]

And I should also mention that we have been very generous to them, giving money, gifts etc. I think that he is asking about a "possible" hurricane because he just lost his job and is about to be evicted. Did I mention that he is also qualified to drive truck? he has been driving longer than us and could make the same amount of $$$. We have even offered to get him on with our company, he declined. This is not being judgemental, its just fact.

 

[pixiewytch]

Well, that makes sense then. I can understand being frustrated by people constantly asking you for money and then criticizing how you spend it. I know that even when we need something we are decent enough not to ask for it and try to find a solution on our own.

Speaking of Walmart, that's another thing that aggravates me about both DH's family and mine. I tend to have expensive, snobby taste in certain things. I hate shopping at Walmart, just my preference and I have some nice designer things. I get criticized for spending money on that too but these are people who shop every day, and I do mean every single day at Walmart. They think because they bought ten boxes of cereal on sale or other cheapy items that they are bargain shoppers. Well, instead of doing that I don't shop anywhere, Walmart, etc. for a long time and then I can afford a Disney trip or a designer bag. They might be saving money but in the end they are spending just as much as I am on all the junk they buy every day.

I guess that is just another example of how people make choices on how to spend money. It just irritates me when people judge what I spend my money on too.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No. My mom asked once and we helped her once. We asked recently and she was in a VERY tough bind. We had to say no--my sister was willing to help her--but thankfully my mom was able to figure it out and fix it on her own and all is now well.

We will do it ONCE no questions asked if the money is available--but the stipulation is if they absolutely need help in the future it is only on our terms.

i.e. for my mom--we pay creditors directly AND she is placed on a budget that WE create. Kind of encourages her to figure things out and be responsible. This time around was a relo and due to realtor error on the selling side (totally not her fault)--closing was delayed and they were up the creek without a paddle. The home has since sold to the people that intended to buy. But she had some scarry moments for a few weeks.

My family doesn't assume b/c of our family finances that we have money available for them--though my mom assumes we are the most able to squeeze out aid if necessary--hence our policy with her that it is on our terms for next time. This last time was impossible to meet the terms of the agreement due to the nature and timing and immediate need of the request--so it was an automatic no. It was very hard to do that.

ETA: It helps this time around we are ALL going to Hawaii--and my family knows that half of our budget is $0--b/c half the costs are covered by freebies/points/miles making our trip half of what it would be and on par with what everyone will be spending as just two people--less if we were staying as long, but we are doing 2 weeks instead of one.

 

[QueenGoblin]

My brother is single and makes more money than my DH and I combined and he never has any money He has never asked us for money, but it just illustrates that people have different priorities when it comes to spending $$$. DH and I have a very comfortable savings, but we are not big consumer spenders, so we can afford to pay for a Disney vacation because we chose not to spend the money through the year on dinners out, movies, nicer cars, etc. We are blessed to be able to make those choices and I do not mean to imply that people who don't have extra money must have spent it on frivolous things; but I do find it frustrating that if you live frugally and then make one big investment people notice it more than if you made several smaller frivolous purchases through the year.
My BIL has hinted around that he wanted handouts in the past. I've never let my DH give them b/c it was never an emergency and I felt like BIL was making some really poor financial decisions and I did not want to enable him (ex. wanting us to help him pay for a summer bike trip instead of him getting a summer job while he was in grad school. Also this is my DH OLDER bro) I mean, BIL has top of the line cable/Internet package and two tvs set up side by side so he and GF can play online games at the same time. We've always been polite about it, luckily BIL doesn't know how much we had in savings and we could hide behind mortgage and baby expenses. If anyone in our extended family really needed our savings in an emergency situation I would drop it in a second. But I don't feel obligated to help a sib make ends meet if they are not being responsible with their incomes. I would just be polite about it, and if you need to, slip in casual conversation about things that might be eating up your disposable income...any kids who will be needing braces soon?

 

[QueenGoblin]

Also. I think extended families living together can be a wonderful thing. DH and I lived with my parents for 9 months while we relocated/shopped for a house. It was great, but we were not freeloaders and were really respectful of my parents' space. My parents missed us when we moved out and we have talked about getting a home in the future with an in-law apartment. But it only works if everyone contributes. Not necesarily financially, but to whatever extent they are able. But if your relatives just want to mooch and not make a contribution (and it sounds like you have had enough experience with them to know what to expect) then I think you were totally within your rights to tell them "no."

 

[Disneyrsh]

Does any one else have this problem? We are Disnney addicts, we are always planning a new trip. We work very hard for our $$$ but it seems that our family members (mostly siblings) are constantly sticking their hand out and saying "You can afford it, you go to Disney all the time!" This makes me so angry! They also complain about $$$ and say "Must be nice to be able to blow your money on vacations". All this while asking for a handout! They have also made nasty comments to our d kids like " you are spoiled, you don't deserve to go on vacations while everyone else sits home" What? My children don't deserve to reap the benefits of my hard work and go on vacation to make memories that will last a lifetime for us? I know they are jealous, but we dion't flaunt it or ANYTHING and our kids are VERY grateful for any place we go. I feel like saying " It's not my fault you live in a shack because you make plenty of $$$ but just blow it on junk". This same person recently called my dh and asked "hypothetically, if a class 4 hurricane hits the coast we live on can we come stay at your house?" The answer was a resounding NO! They would never leave!! They act like we OWE them something just because we do OK. We drive truck nation wide for jeez sake. It's not like we are fatcats in an office some where living the good life. Our job is hard. I was just wanting to know if anyone else gets a hard time about money on vacations from family members or if anyone has anytips for the next time these people stick their hand out, because they wiil, that's the only time they ever call!!!!!!!!

Why are you even talking to them?!

Seriously, life's too short to put up with that, and we don't.

You can't pick your family, but you don't have to talk to all of them-that's our mantra!

 

[minkydog]

I'm just in shock that anyone would have the nerve to ask you for money. It's none of their business how you spend your money!

My siblings would rather throw themselves under a bus than ask for a hand-out. We were raised to be self-reliant. If we don't have enough money, we get another job. Or sell the house, the car, whatever. Or we do without. We have each lived in our share of apartments, trailers and condos so that we can afford our own homes. Each of us put ourselves through college or trade school and each of us married spouses who pull their share. I wouldn't think of asking one of them for money!

 

[UtahMama]

I believe this just as sure as I believe the sun will rise tomarrow: Our kids get more out of our vacations than any "material" things!!!!!!!!!! Worldy possessions are lost and quickly broken but our disney vacation stories and photographs are PRICELESS! I just get a kick out of those family members who feel ENTITLED and try to make us feel like we're hoity-toity when we're not- just have better prioritys!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I could have written that -- well , atleast some of it.

We are not filthy rich. But we do save, drive older cars, and buy school clothes on sale etc. Basically, just watch *how* we spend our money. That leaves enough money left for us to buy an annual pass some years. (not every year.)

Well, we have some family members who totally BLOW their money on (fill in the blank -- you name it -- anything-- the latest greatest craze.) Then they make snide comments about our trips and how "we" can afford it.

Just don't worry about it. You live your life how you choose and they are choosing to live theirs.

 

[abcboys]

Yes, we have family members wanting money (mil fil) yet they make MORE than us and we are supporting 5 people with only my DH income. They smoke and play lottery and never have any money. They have borrowed from us on several occassions and its irritating because even though they do eventually pay us back I wish they would manage their money better. They are in their mid-late 50s and have NO savings (and I mean NONE) I don't see how they can live like that.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

my sister had no job and no $ and it is doing nothing in her life
but always has a comment to make about us to to wdw every 6months
hey get a job
we offered to take her son my nephew but she said inly if she could come
sorry no

 

[momimouse27]

Fortunately we have never had sibling who have asked for money, but my mom lives with us and she has always, always offered to pay her share even though she doesn't make alot of money. There have been several times when we have payed for her, but only because we wanted to.

On the topic of money and vacations, my husband makes a pretty good living, we have fairly new cars and some credit cards. And my husband has a small business on the side-this is how we pay for Disney trips. We also have a nice home. But the thing is, it wouldn't matter if you made $20k a year or $200k a year-it is YOUR money. If you want to take 12 trips to Disney a year, its really no business of any one else's-family or not. I am constantly left dumbfounded at how others think they should have a say in other people's business!

 

[meloneyb21]

OMG, we go through the same thing! We do well for ourselves, especially with me being a SAHM. We live comfortable in a nice house in a better part of town and DH sister and mom live in a run-down apartment (for $62 a month, so you could imagine how run-down) in a crummy part of town, but they always try to make us feel like we're wasting money by treating ourselves to things that we work hard for. Both of them are healthy and and able to work, but just refuse to. They'd rather stay home and collect food stamps and state checks rather than work for anything. How can you get mad at us because we don't want to settle for less and be like you?

They're always calling for money, especially now that we went to Disney for the first time and are planning a new trip. DH may give his mom a little something, but his sister is out of the question. She said "Since yall going to Disney so much, you need to just have one big trip and pay for us all to go." What?!?! We don't even have the kinda of money to pay for EVERYONE to go. This is hard earned money. We didn't win the lottery or something and can just give money away. That's not how life works. I can't see myself living on handouts.