Family dog issues, wwyd?

[mom2grace]

Interested parties:

My dad and stepmom: have a 1 year old dog who is the same breed as my dog, the dogs are small, around 15 lbs.

their dog is out of control behavior-wise, jumps, bites, pottys, my dog is well behaved.

Stepmom brings dog EVERYWHERE, essentially won't leave the dog at home period. Gets very upset when the dog is not welcomed at outdoor sporting events, stores, etc. The behavior of SM is very distracting and annoying.

Dog sleeps in their bed (I know this is common and I'm ok with it, just for contrast to our dog style).

My sister and her husband: They don't have any pets, my sister had a cat when they met. Husband is OCD about a lot of things, mostly about cleanliness, keeping things is pristine condition. They will dog sit for us about once a year. They have a 6 year old daughter.

Me: We have a 4 year old dog, same breed as dad & stepmom, the dog is well behaved, has rules to follow, sleeps in a x pen in the kitchen, is not allowed in the bedrooms (mostly due to marking behaviors in the past). We leave the dog for extended times during the day, sometimes up to 8 hours.

Issue: Dad and stepmom want to bring the dog to my sister's for Christmas day.

Backstory: They live a little less than an hour from my sister's. The last time D & SM were at my sister's, the dog was out of control and my 6 year old niece was very upset.

2 nights ago D & SM came up to my house (1 hour from their house) and brought the dog. Didn't ask. They spent the whole time yelling at the dogs to 'calm down'. Um, they are dogs, it's what they do. Drives me crazy. Thankfully I was going to a meeting. My kids (12 & 14) report that their dog 'annoyed' our dog the entire time. Barking, biting his ears, etc. Our dog was calm.

Dilemma #1: They asked my sister's husband if they could bring their dog to Christmas day, our gatherings usually last 3-4 hours, but it's flexible and people can leave when they are ready. He said no due to wrapping paper, craziness, etc. My sister was not with them when they asked. I guess they didn't take no for an answer and it's still up for debate. Any ways to handle this gracefully?

Dilemma #2: I would prefer that they ask before they bring their dog to our house. I know, I just need to grow a pair and tell them! It would be different if we just showed up everywhere with our dog, but we don't. I would never dream of showing up with our dog unannounced. My SM will be very hurt and dramaful. And potentially stay home and get my dad to stay home with her and miss our family events.

 

[disykat]

Dogs are not welcome without an invitation of the home owner. End of story.

I have a dog and I still don't want other people's dogs in my home unless I have specifically agreed to dog sit.

Even if dogs were generally welcomed by the homeowner, if there are ANY issues with children, the child's needs trump any dog.

Your step mom will throw a fit - too bad so sad. She needs to understand this basic rule and stay home with her dog if she can't leave him.

 

[summermom2]

Your step mom and dad are being rude. I have dogs I would never bring my dog with out asking. It is not like your dad and step mom live so far away they can not leave the dog for a few hours. Some people are just rude your brother in law said no to bring dog at christmas your sister needs to tell them they can not bring the dog.
You will need to talk to your dad about the dog issue it is up to him to tell his wife. But you have to accept that means your dad might not come to some family events. My mother in law hates animals so when we travel we stay with other family instead of at her house. People need to respect the rules at other people's houses.

 

[anniemae]

No. Just no. that's it. No big story to tell, no excuse to make up, just no. It is up to the owner of the house to set the rules. They have two choices:

1. come without dog
2. stay home with dog

If nobody says anything they will continue to do this. When she shows up with the dog at your house you must tell her not to bring the dog next time, or there will be no "next time." Time to get firm with sm.

 

[CPanther95]

Get a newspaper and roll it up nice and tight. Then every time their dog acts up or becomes a general PITA, give a nice firm strike of the newspaper to the nose of stepmom.

 

[PlutoPony]

Dilemma 1 is between your sister's family and your dad/stepmom. Personally I'd stay out of it. Let them decide where/if they want to draw a line in the sand.

Dilemma 2 is certainly your decision to make. Any chance you can talk with just your dad and have him understand your position? If not do you want your dad and stepmom to be part of things at your home? If so, the dog may just be part of the deal. So maybe focus on how you can make visits by their undisciplined animal smoother. How about keeping the 2 dogs apart while they are there? Put your dog in your bedroom or use a kiddie gate to block off room(s). Let them know you're doing it because it seems like the dogs don't get along as well as you'd like, and you're giving your dog the space he needs to not be stressed. If they are at all intuitive, they'll understand their dog is a cause of this, though it may not make a difference to them.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Interested parties:

My dad and stepmom: have a 1 year old dog who is the same breed as my dog, the dogs are small, around 15 lbs.

their dog is out of control behavior-wise, jumps, bites, pottys, my dog is well behaved.

Stepmom brings dog EVERYWHERE, essentially won't leave the dog at home period. Gets very upset when the dog is not welcomed at outdoor sporting events, stores, etc. The behavior of SM is very distracting and annoying.

Dog sleeps in their bed (I know this is common and I'm ok with it, just for contrast to our dog style).

My sister and her husband: They don't have any pets, my sister had a cat when they met. Husband is OCD about a lot of things, mostly about cleanliness, keeping things is pristine condition. They will dog sit for us about once a year. They have a 6 year old daughter.

Me: We have a 4 year old dog, same breed as dad & stepmom, the dog is well behaved, has rules to follow, sleeps in a x pen in the kitchen, is not allowed in the bedrooms (mostly due to marking behaviors in the past). We leave the dog for extended times during the day, sometimes up to 8 hours.

Issue: Dad and stepmom want to bring the dog to my sister's for Christmas day.

Backstory: They live a little less than an hour from my sister's. The last time D & SM were at my sister's, the dog was out of control and my 6 year old niece was very upset.

2 nights ago D & SM came up to my house (1 hour from their house) and brought the dog. Didn't ask. They spent the whole time yelling at the dogs to 'calm down'. Um, they are dogs, it's what they do. Drives me crazy. Thankfully I was going to a meeting. My kids (12 & 14) report that their dog 'annoyed' our dog the entire time. Barking, biting his ears, etc. Our dog was calm.

Dilemma #1: They asked my sister's husband if they could bring their dog to Christmas day, our gatherings usually last 3-4 hours, but it's flexible and people can leave when they are ready. He said no due to wrapping paper, craziness, etc. My sister was not with them when they asked. I guess they didn't take no for an answer and it's still up for debate. Any ways to handle this gracefully?

Dilemma #2: I would prefer that they ask before they bring their dog to our house. I know, I just need to grow a pair and tell them! It would be different if we just showed up everywhere with our dog, but we don't. I would never dream of showing up with our dog unannounced. My SM will be very hurt and dramaful. And potentially stay home and get my dad to stay home with her and miss our family events.

I have the same problem this weekend. I have 4 sisters and one brother, and their families (13 kids ranging in ages 17-15months) coming from out of town to my 1400 sq foot house. We always invite our dad. He has to work on Sat so he said he will not be there until about 10pm. I told him to try to get a flight out - the distance and time zone different pretty much makes it so he arrives here at the same time he leaves his home airport. He says: "what about the dog?"

I said get a babysitter! His response was that the dog could stay in his car for the night. He knows the dog is not allowed to come into my house - the dog is 100 lbs of pure muscle and is HYPER and never settles down. I won't let him around my 70 lb 10 year old, and I don't want it in the house while there are babies running around! I'm already stressing about this and honestly wish I never said anything to my dad about coming.

I love all of the advice about straight up telling the dog owner, but sometimes that doesn't work! My dad is seriously this dogs best friend. He treats it better than he treated us all these years. I swear he pretends this thing is human.

No advice, but I do sympathize!

 

[wilkeliza]

No matter how the dog acts unless it is a service dog you should always ask! Your dad and step-mom are breaking a social norm that I would put my foot down on. We have a 6 year old that as long as she doesn't have access to carpet is a sweet well trained dog. Now our 6 month old puppy on the other hand is the exact opposite. I would never imagine bringing either somewhere unannounced.

 

[mom2grace]

Dilemma 1 is between your sister's family and your dad/stepmom. Personally I'd stay out of it. Let them decide where/if they want to draw a line in the sand.


Dilemma 2 is certainly your decision to make. Any chance you can talk with just your dad and have him understand your position? If not do you want your dad and stepmom to be part of things at your home? If so, the dog may just be part of the deal. So maybe focus on how you can make visits by their undisciplined animal smoother. How about keeping the 2 dogs apart while they are there? Put your dog in your bedroom or use a kiddie gate to block off room(s). Let them know you're doing it because it seems like the dogs don't get along as well as you'd like, and you're giving your dog the space he needs to not be stressed. If they are at all intuitive, they'll understand their dog is a cause of this, though it may not make a difference to them.

I agree, but I want to support my sister. It's just super awkward because Sister & BIL will keep my dog when we are away. A few months ago my SM said that she thought my sister's husband was joking when he said he didn't like her dog. I said I knew he was being serious.

We did move the cat out of the way on Thursday. I'm pretty relaxed about the cat because he can get away from both dogs. I do like the idea of separating my dog. Part of the reason they want to bring him is for socialization but Dad & SM go about it all wrong. Maybe that will send the message. Or it will be interpreted that THEIR dog is even more special. Who knows.

SM super babys her dog. To the point that they are regularly fleeced by the vet and groomer. Grooming every 3 weeks when 8-10 is typical. They did finally go to a new vet, partly because the vet told her not to feed it people food, the dog was eat no dog food at all. Mostly though because the dog needed surgery and the 1st vet wouldn't do it. They did go to training classes but then didn't follow through. I'm just not into that. At all. It's like nails on a chalkboard and I know that's my problem.

 

[AtlantaDisneyDreamer]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

 

[mom2grace]

No matter how the dog acts unless it is a service dog you should always ask! Your dad and step-mom are breaking a social norm that I would put my foot down on. We have a 6 year old that as long as she doesn't have access to carpet is a sweet well trained dog. Now our 6 month old puppy on the other hand is the exact opposite. I would never imagine bringing either somewhere unannounced.

That's interesting. Obviously we have a dog but are not 'dog people'. They don't see her family very much anymore and I wonder if they dog is part of it. They live very close to them, 15 minutes or so. Dad & SM spent Thanksgiving at Cracker Barrel for the first time ever. I found out about it afterward. We were with the other side of the family and I assumed they were with SM's family.

 

[mom2grace]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

Thank you! I need to hear this side as well.

Do they travel far to come to your home? I think my opinion would be much different if they lived hours away. Then I could set up an area for their dog since it would be staying.

 

[mom2grace]

The whole reason they got a dog is because everyone loves my dog. Theirs is the same breed as ours and ours is a lovely amazing dog. Sadly without proper training and rules their dog is out of control. It could be a great dog.

 

[anniemae]

I have the same problem this weekend. I have 4 sisters and one brother, and their families (13 kids ranging in ages 17-15months) coming from out of town to my 1400 sq foot house. We always invite our dad. He has to work on Sat so he said he will not be there until about 10pm. I told him to try to get a flight out - the distance and time zone different pretty much makes it so he arrives here at the same time he leaves his home airport. He says: "what about the dog?"

I said get a babysitter! His response was that the dog could stay in his car for the night. He knows the dog is not allowed to come into my house - the dog is 100 lbs of pure muscle and is HYPER and never settles down. I won't let him around my 70 lb 10 year old, and I don't want it in the house while there are babies running around! I'm already stressing about this and honestly wish I never said anything to my dad about coming.

I love all of the advice about straight up telling the dog owner, but sometimes that doesn't work! My dad is seriously this dogs best friend. He treats it better than he treated us all these years. I swear he pretends this thing is human.

No advice, but I do sympathize!

See, I am not a dog person. I don't like them and no way is a dog coming in my house. I have a dd with allergies, I am scared of dogs due to an incident when I was young, my ds was bitten by my friends dog and does not like dogs. I have absolutely NO problem telling someone their dog is not welcome in my home. I would not feel guilty either. My home, my rules. I don't care who you are. You come without pets or you don't come to my house at all. It will work if you state your rules then stand by them.

 

[disykat]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

Yikes. I totally disagree with you. Our dog is family. No one can tell me differently. She is spoiled more than our kids were. She sleeps in our bed. We often make our plans around her needs - planning the amount of time we can be gone from her etc. She sometimes travels with us and we go to great lengths for her comfort - picnics style eating so she won't be locked in a car, etc. Spoiled to the max.

That said, we still recognize that dogs are under different rules than people. We don't take her to restaurants. We don't take her to appointments, stores, church, etc. We leave her alone without a sitter. We often treat our dog like a child, but we recognize that she isn't one!

 

[North of Mouse]

People need to respect the rules at other people's houses.

No. Just no. that's it. No big story to tell, no excuse to make up, just no. It is up to the owner of the house to set the rules.

This!! Why do some dog/cat owners not get the fact that everyone has the rights to their own feeling/rules in their 'own' homes?? Just as it is 'their' rights to have a dog/cat in their home, it is just as much the right of anyone else to 'not' want a pet in 'their' home. This just happened to us with an exceptionally close relative - no hard feelings though, and other arrangements were made, but yet they asked even well knowing our stance on the matter. We don't particularly like being guests at their home with 4 (yes, 4 large dogs) but we deal with it and wouldn't dream of trying to tell them how to live their lives.

Would just love to have the same respect as a non pet owner that lots (not all) of pet owners give themselves (and expect of everyone else). Have no ill feelings whatsoever toward dogs and cats - in fact love them from afar , just don't want them in my house!

To me, it's just being a responsible and courteous pet owner.

 

[anniemae]

For many people, their dogs are their family. Asking them to leave their dog at home would be like asking them to leave their child at home.

I understand your concern that the dog may annoy some family members and certainly dogs can be destructive. So can children.

I think that how people feel about this issue really depends on their perspective on pets. Are they just pets, or are they truly family?

For our family, dogs are family. When my sister and her husband visit, I would never dream of asking them to leave their dogs home, even though one of them sheds terribly and the other has a tendency to bite. They are family and we welcome family, even when they aren't exactly our idea of perfect.

See, I don't buy this argument. Dogs are not children. Yes some may feel dogs are their family and that is all well and good, really it is. But what do these people do when they want to go to a restaurant, mall, museum, or any other place dogs are not allowed? Get upset that they have to leave their dogs at home? Complain to the restaurant owner that their dog is like their child and must be allowed in the booth? Dogs are not people and not allowed certain places, with the exception of service animals. Same goes for someones house. They get to decide.

And people do ask to leave children at home. I have turned down wedding invitations where my kids are not invited because it is an adult only event. You pay, you make the rules.

 

[bigbabyblues]

We are a dog family. All of us have dogs. However, my MIL's Jack Russell is awful. They live close, so they didn't bring him often anyway, but after he peed in my house twice the last time they were here, I told her if she brings him again, she will need to bring his crate and he will have to stay in it. He hasn't been back. My SIL lives two hours away, and when they visit, they stay at least the weekend. They bring their dog, but they bring his crate too.

I would stay out of the issue between your sister and dad/stepmom, but tell them your feelings about the dog coming to your house. I would call and speak to both of them and be very clear and to the point.

 

[2SLM]

I would talk to your Dad alone about the problem (or your sister should). Explain how much it'd hurt to not be able to see him over the holidays because of stepmil's choice if she goes that way when you say the dog isn't allowed. One time visits I might deal since you can control that more then a crazy house of people and decor during the holidays.

 

[diznygirl]

No. Just no. that's it. No big story to tell, no excuse to make up, just no. It is up to the owner of the house to set the rules. They have two choices:

1. come without dog
2. stay home with dog

If nobody says anything they will continue to do this. When she shows up with the dog at your house you must tell her not to bring the dog next time, or there will be no "next time." Time to get firm with sm.

ITA

It will keep happening until they get the get the message. They will never get the message until someone gives it to them.

If you aren't going to speak up, you have nothing to complain about.