Family advice needed UPDATE

[The Mystery Machine]

They paid 9,000 for the house. According to my mom and my sis in law it's not livable at all (I haven't seen it). Right now I know it doesn't have a roof as my brother was putting on a new one when all of this suddenly went down.

I live in another state so I'm not too involved in their lives but I don't think my brother makes very much at all. They don't go on vacations, own fancy electronics, they have one old car they paid cash for. She works part time now making ten bucks an hour, she says they are going to be making her full time soon.

You can say what you will about my family, I understand they have made bad choices. I have not. Both my dh and I graduated from college, work, pay PLENTY of taxes and have NO debt other than one car payment and one small student loan.

My concern is not for the ethics of their lives right now but I want my sis in law in a better place in her life for the sake of the kids without jeopardizing my own safety.

I understand that. (Not sure what you mean by jeopardizing your own safety.)

The point I am trying to make is that by giving CASH you are delaying her from finding help.

I know that it seems harsh however it really is not. She is used to living the lifestyle she lives. You feel a pang of guilt because children are involved and your brother left her.

Best thing you can do at the moment is moral support, look up help for her, things like that.

I have a list of family that needs hand outs. Guess what? No matter how much you give them nothing will change. Then you get irritated that THEY DID NOT use that money you gave them for the purpose YOU intended.

It is a broken record.

 

[ChiCat]

I mean if I give her that money and my dh loses his job on Monday that makes it even harder on us or something along those lines. When I say safety I mean financial security which as I said in the first place is a little lower than we like as it is without giving her the cash.

 

[disneysmiles]

If the 1500 is for moving expenses, could people in a local church help move them? Even if they aren't members of a church, if she is very specific about a date and time I imagine they are kind people with trucks who would help.

Even if she needs help packing, I know my church would be willing to send a few people over one afternoon to help out. There may be jerk pastors or bishops, but I know mine would have compassion on a situation like that. She would have to get up the courage ask though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I mean if I give her that money and my dh loses his job on Monday that makes it even harder on us or something along those lines. When I say safety I mean financial security which as I said in the first place is a little lower than we like as it is without giving her the cash.

Oh OK.

If you give her cash she IS NOT going to use it for what she claims to you she is going to use it for.

Are you prepared to be burned like that?

I know you want to think she won't do that but when people get cash it always seems to go somewhere else. Something is not adding up here.

 

[Hannathy]

Oh OK.

If you give her cash she IS NOT going to use it for what she claims to you she is going to use it for.

Are you prepared to be burned like that?

I know you want to think she won't do that but when people get cash it always seems to go somewhere else. Something is not adding up here.

Has she told you what the $1500 is for? and have you offered to pay the money directly to who she says it is for? and has she balked at that?

I don't know of anywhere that you can walk up and get income assisted housing and be placed in a place big enough for 5 people immediately. The waiting lists are long and longer for big families.

What about going to a homeless shelter or woman's shelter for a time?

She is the one who didn't plan on emergencies, you did! Her emergency is not YOUR emergency. DO NOT jepordize your family if they have an emergency taking care of her non planning.

 

[ChiCat]

The money she has needed as diminished since yesterday and she never asked for a certain amount. She just said she needed $600 for first month rent and they told her after living their for a month she could apply for sect 8 to get a more reduced cost. She needed 700 for security deposit and 250 to transfer utilities.

She returned a generator they had purchased for the house so she had 700 that she put down on the apartment.

But yes I'm aware she could get more money from me than she needs and use it for other reasons.

 

[SpecialK]

Your heart is in the right place, but I think you need more info. $1500 seems like a lot for moving expenses. If it was me, I'd offer to pay the bill directly but I wouldn't send cash, especially if I was out of state and hadn't been involved a lot in the past. You have to protect yourself,too.

****posted at the same time OP did

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The money she has needed as diminished since yesterday and she never asked for a certain amount. She just said she needed $600 for first month rent and they told her after living their for a month she could apply for sect 8 to get a more reduced cost. She needed 700 for security deposit and 250 to transfer utilities.

She returned a generator they had purchased for the house so she had 700 that she put down on the apartment.

But yes I'm aware she could get more money from me than she needs and use it for other reasons.

Sounds like she is making progress.

If she cannot afford to even pay rent now how is she going to pay rent next month?

Is she going to come to you and tell you that she is waiting on Section 8 housing still and she needs 700.00 for rent again?

It takes time to get section 8. Like PP's said their are waiting lists and sometimes you get declined and then have to appeal. Esp. if she is working AND has a house in her name. That is really really dicey as far as the application process.

Anyway, I wish you all well. I am sure she will get things worked out, with or without your financial assistance.

 

[cornflake]

What does she do for a living? If she doesn't have a job giving her a security deposit or first month's rent isn't going to help anything, she needs a job. As it's not so simple to find those these days, she'd better get looking because she can't assume she'd have one by next month...

 

[sookie]

1) If I was in the situation to do so, and I had the money, I would gladly and freely give my SIL the money to get her set up in a new apartment.
2) I would understand that I would not get the money back.
3) I would have no hard feelings over it.
4) I would be doing it for the children, who would be suffering otherwise.
5) OP, I understand. My brother is a jerk too. He just hasn't had the time to pull a stunt like this one yet. He ripped me off for about 12k when he was 16, so I will just give him a few years. That is why I limit my contact. However, his babies cannot do the same.
6) Of course the SIL is crazy. The husband is making her that way!
*7) Edited to add - I would make sure that SIL had the means to settle in and continue her living expenses before I set her up. If not, I would help her find something more affordable / other resources to keep her going before I paid any "start up" costs. Otherwise, you are just putting a bandaid over a fatal wound.

 

[ChiCat]

In case anyone was wondering what happened....

I finally asked her after she got paid, and returned that generator, and the little she had saved how much money does she NEED? She said $375.

So I wired her $300 and she is moved into her new apartment. For the people who said not to give her the money, at the end of the day I think she did try hard to come up with the money to move on such a short notice. Although I realize there will be more bumps in the road. I hope I sent the message of I'm here for support and a little help but I can't fix everything.

For the people who were worried she will be homeless she's not. I also told her when my finances are better in a few months I'd like her to come to Chicago on my dime (it's always been this way) for a little "vacation", the kids get a big kick out of the big city.

My brother is still MIA and I have just avoided him completely. The only thing I want to say to him is what I really think of him but he's not going to listen and so I don't see it doing any good.

Thanks again for all of the advice

 

[clh2]

In case anyone was wondering what happened....

I finally asked her after she got paid, and returned that generator, and the little she had saved how much money does she NEED? She said $375.

So I wired her $300 and she is moved into her new apartment. For the people who said not to give her the money, at the end of the day I think she did try hard to come up with the money to move on such a short notice. Although I realize there will be more bumps in the road. I hope I sent the message of I'm here for support and a little help but I can't fix everything.

For the people who were worried she will be homeless she's not. I also told her when my finances are better in a few months I'd like her to come to Chicago on my dime (it's always been this way) for a little "vacation", the kids get a big kick out of the big city.

My brother is still MIA and I have just avoided him completely. The only thing I want to say to him is what I really think of him but he's not going to listen and so I don't see it doing any good.

Thanks again for all of the advice

Sounds like this worked out well - and she certainly did try to help herself in the process. Have a great time - I love Chicago ANYTIME of the year - have fun when they come to visit!