Family advice needed UPDATE

[ChiCat]

My brother has left my sister in law very suddenly a few weeks ago for another woman. He claims it has nothing to do with the other woman, it's just my sister in law is a terrible person. He has completely abandoned my four nephews (all under the age of 12). For example he said my sister in law won't let him see the kids (his new girlfriend is an "ex" meth addict) and he doesn't want to go to my sister in laws house because she's "crazy" so I offered to take the kids with my sister in laws approval to the park so my brother can spend time with them for a few hours, after getting irate about it he agreed to it and then I haven't heard a word from him since.

My family is very dysfunctional and so that urge to stand by my brother is not there at all. I've talked with him briefly since it's happened and it ends up in huge fights. He's being very irrational and unreasonable, which he usually is but it's more than usual. I'm digusted by his behavior.

I live in another state but I have visited her once since this has happened, and took the kids to the park, the movies, out for ice cream, bought them new shoes (which they needed) and new school supplies and backpacks. I also gave her $200.

Financially they did OK as a family when they were together but I have no idea how she will manage now that they are seperated. My brother works under the table, and he claims he has given her money but I do not believe it, she says he has given her $40.

They have been renting a house that she can't afford on her own, so she is moving to an apartment that is based on her income, which with four kids and making as little as she does I'm not convinced that she will be able to make the monthly rent (I know how much she makes and how much the rent is). They had recently purchased a house in another city for cash, that they were working on but it still needs MAJOR work. She says either way she does not want to move there alone with the kids where she knows no one.

She needs close to $1500 to move into new place. She has $450. She has been looking for assistance for moving costs but so far nothing. Her family is not in the position to help her.

I could do it but it would come from our savings/emergency money, which is already lower than usual as it is, and we have our car insurance due this month.

Obviously I know I would never see this money again and I know my husband does NOT want to put our savings even lower although I think he would agree to it, I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do to jeopardize our safety and also I'm not sure how she is going to manage after she moves in. I can't pay their way for the rest of my life.

What would you do? The kids are such sweet, good kids, it just breaks my heart.

 

[bearloch]

your in a tough spot but Iwould not give her the money! sorry but I would maybe offer to have the kids come stay with you for a while so that she can get extra hrs at work etc and give the kids a break! I would also go online and see what agencies there are that may help her that she does not know about! I sure she loves the kids but she may really need break!! if anything then I would take some of that money andbe sure the kids have clothes and jackets for the upcoming yr! ( from 2nd hand store is also great!)

good luck!

 

[daisyduck123]

My brother has left my sister in law very suddenly a few weeks ago for another woman. He claims it has nothing to do with the other woman, it's just my sister in law is a terrible person. He has completely abandoned my four nephews (all under the age of 12). For example he said my sister in law won't let him see the kids (his new girlfriend is an "ex" meth addict) and he doesn't want to go to my sister in laws house because she's "crazy" so I offered to take the kids with my sister in laws approval to the park so my brother can spend time with them for a few hours, after getting irate about it he agreed to it and then I haven't heard a word from him since.

My family is very dysfunctional and so that urge to stand by my brother is not there at all. I've talked with him briefly since it's happened and it ends up in huge fights. He's being very irrational and unreasonable, which he usually is but it's more than usual. I'm digusted by his behavior.

I live in another state but I have visited her once since this has happened, and took the kids to the park, the movies, out for ice cream, bought them new shoes (which they needed) and new school supplies and backpacks. I also gave her $200.

Financially they did OK as a family when they were together but I have no idea how she will manage now that they are seperated. My brother works under the table, and he claims he has given her money but I do not believe it, she says he has given her $40.

They have been renting a house that she can't afford on her own, so she is moving to an apartment that is based on her income, which with four kids and making as little as she does I'm not convinced that she will be able to make the monthly rent (I know how much she makes and how much the rent is). They had recently purchased a house in another city for cash, that they were working on but it still needs MAJOR work. She says either way she does not want to move there alone with the kids where she knows no one.

She needs close to $1500 to move into new place. She has $450. She has been looking for assistance for moving costs but so far nothing. Her family is not in the position to help her.

I could do it but it would come from our savings/emergency money, which is already lower than usual as it is, and we have our car insurance due this month.

Obviously I know I would never see this money again and I know my husband does NOT want to put our savings even lower although I think he would agree to it, I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do to jeopardize our safety and also I'm not sure how she is going to manage after she moves in. I can't pay their way for the rest of my life.

What would you do? The kids are such sweet, good kids, it just breaks my heart.

I would not give her any money. It sounds like you've already been very helpful. I would continue to see that the kids have the things they need for school & offer to watch the kids sometimes, but that's about it.

 

[Janepod]

My brother did pretty much the same thing, but luckily no kids were involved. I found that the strategy that worked best for everyone was to stay TF out of it.

And don't put your family in financial jeopardy to do this. Your heart is in the right place, really, but no good can come of it. This is your brother's problem to solve. Stay out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What would you do? The kids are such sweet, good kids, it just breaks my heart.

I would talk to her and give her moral support as best you can.

Sometimes you just cannot or SHOULD NOT give someone financial assistance and that is just the unfortunate facts.

If she cannot afford to move in there, she probably cannot afford to live there. She has to come up with a better plan of action.

Tell her that you are not able to help her out financially and both of you will have to accept that.

 

[rigs32]

If you give her money now it will start an expectation, take the heat off your brother, and likely lengthen the time your SIL waits to take him to court for support. She's an adult who needs to figure this out.

I agree with others to offer your home as a temporary place to go if necessary.

If that house is habitable, she should go there to avoid rent, look for a better paying job, and put a plan into place. If her job is so low paying she can't make rent, she needs to lose or lower her housing expenses.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - Have your SIL look into Section 8 housing. I believe it's based on income. You should be able to find out about it on a county website.

Good luck with everything. And I think you are doing right by helping the boys with school supplies, clothes, etc.

 

[kwelch10377]

Instead of giving her money I think you (an maybe your husband) sit down with her and help her figure out a long term plan. Help her figure out what assistance is available to her and the kids, what she needs to do about getting child support and custody and what she can do about the house the they own. Once you figure all this out, help her put the plan in motion. In the long run this will be so much more benefical than giving her money.

 

[2disneyboys]

your heart is in the right place. But you can't jeapodize your own families financial security to help others, even close family. If it's a viable option, perhaps offer to have the kids to you for a while so she can pick up extra work hours or something like a previous poster suggested. Also, researching some sort of assistance for her.I'm sure's she's just overwhelmed. Also, if she belongs to or attends any sort of church/temple/etc ask there. Even if there is not direct help they can give her, they usually have access to / knowledge of resources that may be available to her. heck, even if she does not belong or attend a church, even just calling them (local ones to her) and asking if they can suggest places she can contact for help might help her/you find something.

As sad as it would make me, I would not give her $ if my emerg funds were already lower than what I consider my safe limit. If it was over my safe limit and it would not be "taking" food from our mouths, my DH & I both would be the first to hold out the money, but that's just us.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Normally the places based on income are the cheapest you can go. try to find a plan where she can afford to stay there. Has she applied for assistance? Tell her if she can present you with a plan where she can stay within a tight budget you will help her with moving costs. They are your nephews and you know your brother is wrong. If there is a way to make sure they can at least keep a roof over their heads you would sleep better at night. I understand what people are saying about stay out, but they are kids. What else can be done? She has no family. Will the kids end up in state care? On the streets. This is one of those times where family should help.

 

[RadioNate]

I was in your SILs shoes a little over a year ago. I have no doubt she is "crazy." What did your brother think? That she'd just be ok with him abandoning their family? She's is betrayed, hurt, angry and trying to rebuild her entire world. Men who cheat obviously disgust me. Yes, the soon-to-be-ex-wife should just be fine with her kids going off with a former meth addict. So delusional. Woman is looking out for her kids best interest in making this transition and she is "crazy."

That said. I wouldn't give her the money. Not that I think for 1 second that your brother will step up and do the right thing.

What you can, and should do, is be there for the kids. Offer to help with sitting. Buy them shoes, or school supplies if you can afford it. Things like that.

She needs support right now so I don't agree that moving to a town where she knows no one is the best option even if it makes the most sense financially. Sometimes sanity, support and love trumps having a 'free' place to live.

Suggest the surviving infidelity website to your SIL. Lots of good advice and support.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, your heart is in the right place!!!
But, as others are saying, you need to be VERY careful.

You should not become too personally involved...
You have already placed yourself right smack in the middle of their situation.
You are in the direct line of fire.

You can not, and SHOULD NOT think of yourself as some kind of savior (Florence Nightingale)...
That will not end well.

This is your brother's situation.
They are both adults.

Your brother, and most probably your SIL as well, do not sound like normal, rational, people.
You can't expect to interact with them as such.

They are both making some very tough decisions, and setting up some spiders webs.... You will only be caught up, trapped, in the middle.

Your only concern should be your own desire to see your nephews occasionally and be neutral and supportive. Period. AND, EVEN THAT IS NOT A 'GIVEN'.
You really should have NO expectations.
You could be setting yourself up to where they are playing their cards so that YOU are being taken advantage of AS LONG AS YOU ARE SHELLING OUT THE $$$$$.

VERY tough line to walk!!!

 

[torinsmom]

Maybe you can offer to keep the kids while she goes to her local social services dept. and applies for assistance. Hopefully she will qualify for something. She also needs to go ahead and get the child support ball rolling through the county. They can track your brother down and garnish anything he makes. His taxes will be garnished as well. They will do a full investigation and if he is getting paid under the table, he may be in trouble with the IRS as well.

I am sorry your SIL is going through this. My ex left me when my son was 3 and didn't pay CS until he was made to do it by the court. I would not have made it without my family.

 

[ChiCat]

I was in your SILs shoes a little over a year ago. I have no doubt she is "crazy." What did your brother think? That she'd just be ok with him abandoning their family? She's is betrayed, hurt, angry and trying to rebuild her entire world. Men who cheat obviously disgust me. Yes, the soon-to-be-ex-wife should just be fine with her kids going off with a former meth addict. So delusional. Woman is looking out for her kids best interest in making this transition and she is "crazy."

That said. I wouldn't give her the money. Not that I think for 1 second that your brother will step up and do the right thing.

What you can, and should do, is be there for the kids. Offer to help with sitting. Buy them shoes, or school supplies if you can afford it. Things like that.

She needs support right now so I don't agree that moving to a town where she knows no one is the best option even if it makes the most sense financially. Sometimes sanity, support and love trumps having a 'free' place to live.

Suggest the surviving infidelity website to your SIL. Lots of good advice and support.

I actually thought of you when all of this happened, strange huh? I don't really know you but I remembered reading threads where you talked about SI before and so I did tell her about it. I have read over SI and I don't think she's following much of the advise, but she did read it.

My brothers reasons for why she is such a terrible person were hilarious. She's not social, she's a homebody, she doesn't like to watch the same movies as him, and so on. I was like she has ALWAYS been this way, this is nothing new. Delusional is what I've been saying about him forever but now its really bad. I wouldn't be surprised if drugs were involved actually.

It's the hardest thing for me. I feel in my heart that is the right thing not to just right her a check for $1000. But, it just kills me to watch them struggle. I just wanted to make sure I was not being coldhearted by just saying no.

I am thinking of giving her a much smaller amount and helping her with school clothes for the kids.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

[Disney Doll]

Perhas you could consider helping her with smaller amounts occasionally or paying a specific thing....ie-electric bill, or $50 toward food. Or whatever you can afford.

 

[RadioNate]

I actually thought of you when all of this happened, strange huh? I don't really know you but I remembered reading threads where you talked about SI before and so I did tell her about it. I have read over SI and I don't think she's following much of the advise, but she did read it.

My brothers reasons for why she is such a terrible person were hilarious. She's not social, she's a homebody, she doesn't like to watch the same movies as him, and so on. I was like she has ALWAYS been this way, this is nothing new. Delusional is what I've been saying about him forever but now its really bad. I wouldn't be surprised if drugs were involved actually.

It's the hardest thing for me. I feel in my heart that is the right thing not to just right her a check for $1000. But, it just kills me to watch them struggle. I just wanted to make sure I was not being coldhearted by just saying no.

I am thinking of giving her a much smaller amount and helping her with school clothes for the kids.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

It's ok to not give her the money. Really, it is. And tell her that it will get better. Right now, it sucks but all she needs to do is get though the day, the hour, the moment. A year from now, it will be 100% different.

Just help when you can and only IF you can. And let her know that you understand that this isn't HER fault. That you know she isn't crazy!

 

[Hannathy]

Do not give her the money. They are both adults just like you are and you managed to think of an emergency fund- they should have to. They are adults and need to figure this out on their own. They made the kids they need to figure out how to house them.

I would not ever send money. Send food, send clothes, send shoes, etc, but not cash.

If they own a house , she moves there, end of story, to bad she doesn't know anyone. She needs a roof over her kids heads and she can't afford anywhere else, that trumps "happiness". When you can pay for yourself you can pick where you want to live.

 

[Tiggeroo]

The problem here is you know your brother left her and the kids stranded. You know it's unlikely he will fix things. You also know she won't get much in child support. It's tough to prove an under the table job. I do believe you should not help somebody who won't help themselves. But if your sil can come up with a way to prove that she can pay the rent, she applies for all public assistance and the only thing stopping her from moving is some financial help I'd give it. They are your nephews. Yes it is your brothers' job. No he's not doing it. For all of those who are against helping what do you think will happen to these kids? I understand not helping strangers. I understand not giving somebody money on a regular basis. But when somebody you care about has had the rug kicked out from under them you really would just let them sink? There was a time when family looked after family. Perhaps you could unite with some of her family and anybody else on your side and pool all of your resources together. I would not just hand her cash. Make the check out to the appropriate place.
Is there a way the home they own can be doable? Is it uninhabitable? Can she commute from her job to there? Maybe go see your brother. Ask him to come up with whatever cash he has. Hit him with guilt. Maybe he can cough up 300, her family can donate 200. ,etc. Can you get a crew together, rent a truck and help move things, saving quite a bit of money.

 

[Buckalew11]

Him getting paid under the table complicates things from what I have heard. I know a lady in town whose DH is a working Magician but gets paid under the table. She has 2 kids and they have been separated for several years. She found out about the affair because someone sent PHOTOS of her DH and his mistress to THEIR teenaged SON!! Ugh!! Terrible. They still aren't divorced because there is a hangup about the money. The DH has moved in with his GF though.

I feel badly for your SIL. 4 kids with no help? ugh!! As my sister also has 4 kids and is going through a divorce, I know how scary it can be. My *wonderful* stbxBIL took up with an underaged girl though--so in mediation, he lost his business and now my sister is the owner of a thriving business---it is doing better in the past 6 months than it ever did for the 16 years that he ran it!
Anyway, if he had taken up with someone of age, my sister's life would be totally different than it is now.

He also downed her to me in the way your DB has your DSIL. I always liked him better than my sister so I think he thought I choose his side. Ugh, no, if you are stepping out with a child, I ain't gonna be on your side.

My mom was able to help my sister get a PI and retain a lawyer.

 

[Chelley00]

I also wouldn't give her money, but maybe if you feel like you want to help, "stuff": school clothes, groceries, pay an electric bill directly to the electric company etc.