Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[Briarmom]

Sick!

Article with pictures: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-problems.html

Thanks, this article provides a lot more info.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

Though I agree that the child likely had issues, the birth mother being an alcoholic does not prove that the child had FAS. Unless there is more that you didn't quote, it doesn't state she was an alcoholic while pregnant.

Agreed. The pictures of him don't seem to point to the physical attributes of FAS.

Apparently United Airlines is denying any fault (of course). They said they allow unaccompanied minors age 5 and up on direct flights as long as a name of the party picking up is provided, and this child was on a direct flight from DC to Moscow, and a pickup name was provided. I am not sure if the family really had arranged for someone to pick him up, or if they lied. I would love to know more details re: that portion of the story.

The article that Cathryn Rose posted (above) says this was a flight with two legs and that UA is denying fault. Very confusing.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Maybe that is part of the problem. If there is problem and it does not work out what is the recourse.

Denise in MI

Please tell me you are not serious....


These are children we are talking about. What type of recourse would you want? A return? A refund?

I'm going to stay out of the RAD discussion, but I do want to point out that the young girl who was on the 20/20 story is a perfect example of how parents give up on their children too soon. This girl is absolutely thriving in her family.


Yes, there are kids that come out of Russia with abandonment issues. Most of them are not abandoned as infants, but taken from abusive situations. Same as children in US foster care. They have suffered a loss of a family they remember. Then they are put with a family in a foreign place, where they don't speak the language. I could go on forever, but I speak having adopted older children myself. I volunteer for my agency and belong to many, many adoptive parent forums.

The cases of RAD are few. Thousands of kids are adopted each year and are thriving in their new families. Unfortunately only the horror stories get passed around. It reminds me of the misconception that domestic adoptions are often disrupted by the biological mother. Yes, this happens, but it is not the norm.

Three months is not enough time to work with this child. There are so many treatment options. It seems this mother did not connect with her child. If one of my children came to me and in a fit of anger threatened to burn down my house I wouldn't put her on the next plane.

I don't understand how people are sympathizing with a woman who neglected, abused, and abandoned her child.

 

[Ceila]

I wonder if it is possible that the mother actually HAD contacted officials. Her letter *is* addressed to a specific Russian agency, altough not to a specific person. Maybe she was in contact with someone there who didn't meet the child as planned, or maybe the agency did this on purpose, and now they are lying about it?

 

[dzorn]

Please tell me you are not serious....


These are children we are talking about. What type of recourse would you want? A return? A refund?

I'm going to stay out of the RAD discussion, but I do want to point out that the young girl who was on the 20/20 story is a perfect example of how parents give up on their children too soon. This girl is absolutely thriving in her family.


Yes, there are kids that come out of Russia with abandonment issues. Most of them are not abandoned as infants, but taken from abusive situations. Same as children in US foster care. They have suffered a loss of a family they remember. Then they are put with a family in a foreign place, where they don't speak the language. I could go on forever, but I speak having adopted older children myself. I volunteer for my agency and belong to many, many adoptive parent forums.

The cases of RAD are few. Thousands of kids are adopted each year and are thriving in their new families. Unfortunately only the horror stories get passed around. It reminds me of the misconception that domestic adoptions are often disrupted by the biological mother. Yes, this happens, but it is not the norm.

Three months is not enough time to work with this child. There are so many treatment options. It seems this mother did not connect with her child. If one of my children came to me and in a fit of anger threatened to burn down my house I wouldn't put her on the next plane.

I don't understand how people are sympathizing with a woman who neglected, abused, and abandoned her child.

Yes but I assume when adopted in the US there is a period of time before it is finalized I am saying they need a period of time before it is final. Especially if you are not getting the correct information from the adoption agency. That should be as illegal as what this woman did.

Denise in MI

 

[lemondog]

The article that Cathryn Rose posted (above) says this was a flight with two legs and that UA is denying fault. Very confusing.

What I read stated the grandmother drove him from TN to Washington DC and put him on the plane there, and it was a direct flight to Moscow. That makes sense because a lot of flights to Moscow fly out of DC.

 

[themilesfamily]

Wow, this is really going to mess things up for so many families in the process of adopting from Russia. Not to mention this makes the U.S. and Americans look very bad.

My best friend adopted a little girl who had attachment disorder. The first few years were incredibly hard. But the entire family went into counseling. (The daughter saw a counselor who specialized in attachment disorders.) It's been about ten years and their daughter is very well-adjusted now. Smart, fun, good in school and at sports.

Attachment disorders can be addressed. And if you don't feel that, as a family, you have the means to address them -- you SURE don't just put the kid on a plane and send him back. There is protocol for what to do if you want to terminate your relationship with a child. I'll bet the adoption agency she went through is FURIOUS.

 

[crashbb]

What I read stated the grandmother drove him from TN to Washington DC and put him on the plane there, and it was a direct flight to Moscow. That makes sense because a lot of flights to Moscow fly out of DC.

All the reports I've read have said the same thing (though they just said she brought him to Washington - didn't specify if she drove him there or they flew).

They also state that she found someone (via the internet) to pick him up in Moscow and gave his information to UA and that he did, indeed, pick him up in Moscow. I'm going to assume that she told UA he was a family friend (or family member) rather than some stranger she found on the internet.

I'm failing to see how UA has any blame in this matter. They do not run background checks on those dropping off/picking up minors. Can you imagine the outcry if they tried to implement that? They assume that the parents are looking out for the best interest of their child. Had the airline passed him over to someone in Moscow that the grandmother hadn't names (or had the guy in Moscow not provided ID), I would totally blame the airline. However, according to most reports that did not happen.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

At least she sent him back. As horrible as that is, and yes this woman is horrible, there was a couple in NJ that ended up killing their adopted Russian child (they had 3, came as a family unit). The grandmother took custody of the other boys. She was disgusted by her daughter's actions.
They basically starved him. Locked him in the unheated basement without enough clothing and fed him dry beans that bloated in his intestines and become full out blockages. The blockages killed him. Imagine dying from that.

 

[NLK]

The child's real mother Ekaterina was deprived of her parental rights because she was an alcoholic, officials said yesterday.
She gave birth to the child at 19 and cared for him until he was six.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...n-boy-behavioural-problems.html#ixzz0kfAEMqvq

 

[sparklynails23]

Adoptions from Russia should be halted until some remedy for these situations is ironed out and some guarantee is given that all medical problems are disclosed before adoptions occur. Russia shouldn't be able to send their most troubled kids here to be a burden on our healthcare system. I don't see what's better about putting a child in an institution in the U.S. as opposed to flying him back to Russia.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Russian adoptions are finalized in a Russian court. All international adoptions are final before a visa can be issued. That's why it is so desirable to families.

We adopted our son from Korea in 1993. Our adoption was not final until he had been with us for at least 6 months. Our adoption was finalized here in the USA.

Maybe it has changed since then or maybe adoptions in Russia are finalized over there.

 

[Sparx]

We adopted our son from Korea in 1993. Our adoption was not final until he had been with us for at least 6 months. Our adoption was finalized here in the USA.

Maybe it has changed since then or maybe adoptions in Russia are finalized over there.

I believe it still works the same way. Its finalized in russia before the child can leave and then it has to be finalized in america when the child returns.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I know RAD relatively well, having worked as a teacher specializing in children with emotional issues and as a behavior analyst with kids with RAD. I know how challenging and devastating it can be for a family and for a child. I know that we need more resources to help parents whose children suffer from this an other mental illnesses.

However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that people seem to be saying that if people knew how bad RAD can be, or how hard it is to find help we might be more forgiving. I feel very strong that as a society we need to draw certain bright clear lines between what is and what isn't acceptable, and sending your child off on a plane alone with a note is one of them. It's illegal, it's child abuse, and there is no excuse for it.

As a teacher, I've worked with children who have bit me, kicked me, left me with major bruises, and scared the living daylights out of me in numerous ways. One of the "clear bright lines" in my profession, at least in my state, is that we don't use any form of corporal punishment. Have I been tempted? Of course, but the fact that it's absolutely taboo and I know I'd lose my job instantly, helps strengthen my resolve not to slap or spank or pinch. In fact, I'd say that the fact that the line is so clear is helpful to me because I don't need to waste time or emotion reminding myself why I've decided not to do these things.

I think those parents need to be in jail for a long time. Grandma too.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm watching a story about this on my local news right now, complete with video. The whole thing really is heartbreaking and I feel awful for the little boy.

But you absolutely never ever ever have the option of sticking a seven year old boy that you agreed to parent on a one way flight to a Russian orphanage with a note pinned to his shirt that says "Defective child, I signed up for the perfect one! Please accept my return" and if you do that .. you are trash. You are scum. I despise you and I judge you.

I don't think anyone would say that this woman did the right thing. But the bolded portion of your post makes me think that you aren't seriously considering how horrible her problems with this child could have been. If someone tries to return a child because the kid has allergies, or isn't the smartest kid ever, or has a rebellious streak - yeah, that's pretty sleazy. You aren't guaranteed a perfect kid and anyone who would give their child up because it isn't perfect is a horrible person. It's entirely possible that this child was abusing or even attempting to kill the other family members. That isn't "not perfect", that's horrifying. It's unthinkable. Adoptive parents are well aware that the child they bring into their family might not be perfect. But no one adopts a child thinking that there's a real possibilty that the child will turn out to be some kind of sociopath. I can't imagine realizing you've welcomed someone like that into your home, and even worse that you've put the rest of your family at risk because of this other child. I imagine that they would feel sick with regret, and desperate to find any solution to make everything better. Of course she should have tried to get the child help, and of course she shouldn't have sent the child back the way she did, but it's possible she was so heartbroken and desperate that she simply couldn't think of anything else to do. It's still wrong, but when people are pushed to their limits and stressed out of their minds they sometimes make bad decisions.

We don't know the extent of this child's problems. We don't know what the adoptive parent tried before she resorted to sending the child back the way she did. She could be the lowest of the low, deserving of nothing but contempt. But she could also be a panicked parent who was at her wits end and in a moment of desperation she made an incredibly stupid and thoughtless decision. No one can possibly know which she is without knowing the full story, and none of us know that.

ETA - In light of Mickey'snewestfan's post I want to clarify. What these people did was wrong. They should be punished for it. But I can't say that they are horrible people even though they did a horrible thing. I'll judge their actions and those are unquestionably wrong, but I can't judge the people for resorting to that because I don't know what led up to it. Maybe they are truly good people who were desperate and made a horrible mistake.

 

[bgirldeb]

At least she sent him back. As horrible as that is, and yes this woman is horrible, there was a couple in NJ that ended up killing their adopted Russian child (they had 3, came as a family unit). The grandmother took custody of the other boys. She was disgusted by her daughter's actions.
They basically starved him. Locked him in the unheated basement without enough clothing and fed him dry beans that bloated in his intestines and become full out blockages. The blockages killed him. Imagine dying from that.

How SICK are some people!? I'm so, so sad for these poor children that seem to get mistreated over and over

 

[kirstenb1]

I know RAD relatively well, having worked as a teacher specializing in children with emotional issues and as a behavior analyst with kids with RAD. I know how challenging and devastating it can be for a family and for a child. I know that we need more resources to help parents whose children suffer from this an other mental illnesses.

However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that people seem to be saying that if people knew how bad RAD can be, or how hard it is to find help we might be more forgiving. I feel very strong that as a society we need to draw certain bright clear lines between what is and what isn't acceptable, and sending your child off on a plane alone with a note is one of them. It's illegal, it's child abuse, and there is no excuse for it.

As a teacher, I've worked with children who have bit me, kicked me, left me with major bruises, and scared the living daylights out of me in numerous ways. One of the "clear bright lines" in my profession, at least in my state, is that we don't use any form of corporal punishment. Have I been tempted? Of course, but the fact that it's absolutely taboo and I know I'd lose my job instantly, helps strengthen my resolve not to slap or spank or pinch. In fact, I'd say that the fact that the line is so clear is helpful to me because I don't need to waste time or emotion reminding myself why I've decided not to do these things.

I think those parents need to be in jail for a long time. Grandma too.

Yes, this was wrong...but what is the answer? where is the respite care? the children are with you for 180 days...maybe more if there's extended school year over the summer. That means they're with their parents for 185 days a year. No aide, no assistant. If they have sleep issues, believe me, no one sleeps. If they're violent, no one sleeps. Especially in rural areas, it's very isolating. As a society, there has to be a better answer. Having a child with mental illness is so stigmatizing. No one is lining up to be your chld's friend. We have to do better.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Sick!

Article with pictures: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-problems.html

I don't condone what the mother did. It was so wrong.

However, I also believe that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

There was one glaring point in the above mentioned article, that the Russian authorities would not allow the American consulate access to the child after he arrived in Moscow.

That to me screams that they have something to hide, ie; the extent of little boy's psychosis.

With all the severe budget cuts in this economy, services are not as easy to come by. People say, "oh, get him help" But that is way harder than it sounds. Budgets are stretched thin, caseworkers are stretched even thinner and depending on the area of the country you live in, many services are non-existent. Many times, services are for kids being abused, not parents being abused.

I think we need to hear more details to render judgement. Again, I don't condone what she did, but if she was desperate, felt trapped and in fear for her and her biological son's life, she may have snapped and did something horrible.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

 

[kirstenb1]

I need to disclose. DH's parents adopted a 4 yr old girl when he was 11. I suspect FAS, but not certain. Her parents were American alcoholics, who lost custody. She ate out of the trash, stole from them, tried to burn the house down, and threatened them over many years. In order to afford the care she needed, they had to turn custody of her over to the state at age 16. My poor in-laws. They had done so much, but had run out of money for therapy etc. She was institutionalized, and dx'd with schizophrenia. When she takes her meds, she's okay. When she doesn't, it's bad. I really don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, people aren't lining up to jump in and help.

 

[Aisling]

The story's on ABCs Nightline right now. Looks like the mother is in big trouble.