Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[elgerber]

We had a middle school child bring a loaded gun to school earlier this week near here, and last night they ran another story on him, and it turns out he was also adopted from Russia (the newspaper article stated this, this article here is the TV story). I just found it interesting to hear this story on the same day...

http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=847800

 

[golfgal]

We had a middle school child bring a loaded gun to school earlier this week near here, and last night they ran another story on him, and it turns out he was also adopted from Russia (the newspaper article stated this, this article here is the TV story). I just found it interesting to hear this story on the same day...

http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=847800

A friend of mine's daughter was in his class and she has been having bad nightmares since this happened. The parents have been trying to get help for the boy with no luck.

 

[dzorn]

Why? They are American citizens just like you or me. They become citizens the moment they touch down on American soil, because in Russia the adoptions are finalized over there. And we all know the US does not recognize dual citizenship, so as far as the government is concerned they are American citizens, period.

Yet they would not let the American consulate talk to the child.

It is a bad situation all around.

Denise in MI

 

[RitaZ.]

I have a question for the posters that have adopted children from Russia. Were you advised by the adoption agency about attachment disorders before you adopted your child/children?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yet they would not let the American consulate talk to the child.

It is a bad situation all around.

Denise in MI

I agree. It will be very hard to get the full picture if access to the child is denied. I wonder if the child's records will be restricted or denied, and what they would reveal as well.

 

[JerseyJanice]

What would this parent have done if she found her bio child trying to light a fire in his room? It does happen. Recently, at a symposium for mental and behavioral health care for school-aged children, I was made aware that it's a big enough problem to have a county program dedicated to treating it:

http://bcfppa.org/juvenile_firesetters.htm

What this woman ought to have done was have him seen in a behavioral health care setting. She's a nurse, for Heaven's sake, and should know that.

When you give birth to children, you can't give them back to anyone if they develop physical, mental or behavioral health problems. You find help for them.

From what I saw on Anderson Cooper about the case, the woman who adopted the child and her mother did lots of internet research. They found someone on-line to accept the child at the airport and drive him to the Russian Child Protective Services. The internet can be dangerous, and I have a feeling she read a lot about RAD and diagnosed him herself.

I think she just decided based on her computer "research" that there was no helping him and thought that returning him where she got him from was her only option.

What a sad, sad story.

 

[lemondog]

I have a question for the posters that have adopted children from Russia. Were you advised by the adoption agency about attachment disorders before you adopted your child/children?

Yes. Although it was mainly our homestudy agency which educated us on these issues. The homestudy agency is much more "involved" with the adoptive family than the placement agency is. I would be very interested to know who did this woman's homestudy...it was not WACAP because they are located in Washington and the homestudy must be done by an in-state agency. We are in Middle Tennessee, same as this woman, and there are only a handful of agencies around here who do homestudies for international adoption.

 

[lemondog]

Yet they would not let the American consulate talk to the child.

It is a bad situation all around.

Denise in MI

Well it could be that Russia does not recognize the dual citizenship either. As far as they are concerned he is Russian, end of story. Although there is a LOT of bad press over there about US adoptive parents, especially in light of the recent deaths of Russian adoptees over here (3 total). The Russian people are very superstitious...I don't doubt for one minute they don't trust the American consulate/embassy officials. They are a proud people and I am sure their sentiment is "He is one of our own, we will take care of him. We don't need the Americans."

 

[RitaZ.]

Yes. Although it was mainly our homestudy agency which educated us on these issues. The homestudy agency is much more "involved" with the adoptive family than the placement agency is. I would be very interested to know who did this woman's homestudy...it was not WACAP because they are located in Washington and the homestudy must be done by an in-state agency. We are in Middle Tennessee, same as this woman, and there are only a handful of agencies around here who do homestudies for international adoption.

Thanks for your answer.

 

[EMom]

I have a question for the posters that have adopted children from Russia. Were you advised by the adoption agency about attachment disorders before you adopted your child/children?

We found some agencies glossed over it, minimizing the odds it could happen. But that's no excuse to fail to educate yourself as an adoptive parent. Let me be blunt. Adoption, be it domestic or international, is a BUSINESSS and there is an incredible amount of money to be made. In so many instances, adoptive parents have been through years of infertility and are desperate for a child. They tend to ignore red flags. DH and I knew that NO ONE would look for our best interests better than we would. And NO ONE would be around to help with a child's special needs after the adoption besides us. So the burden was on us to make sure the child was as healthy as possible, based on the information WE gathered.

I've had friends who adopted through foster care and discovered that vital info was not given to them. It happens. If you think all birth mothers in domestic adoptions are honest about their drug and alcohol use, you are kidding yourself. In international adoption, records can be sketchy and you have to use your head more than your heart, because your heart can love any child......but you may not be able to parent any child. We hired a Western doctor to fly to DD's baby home to examine her and determine her actual health status. We also hired an international adoption specialist to review her records and videos we made. As it turned out, DD was so obviously healthy and clearly bonded to her caregivers that we cancelled the doctor visit. (After talking to him, he'd been there two weeks earlier and said it was pretty much the best baby home he'd seen in Russia, with the healthiest kids.) We went in knowing we might have to decline the referral we were given if the child was unhealthy (meaning there was little chance of becoming healthy with medical care once we got back home) and we were prepared to do that. Sadly, we'd had to do it before when the agency kept sending us videos of babies who were obviously beyond help.

But we also knew that our adoption would be finalized in Russia and that she would become our child while in Russia. We wanted that. She is as much ours as if we gave birth to her. She is our responsibility. I completely understand RAD and how horrifying it can be. I do not underestimate what this family may have gone through if this boy had RAD. I know it can destroy a family. I know "love and food" is not always a cure for years in an orphange.

However, under no circumstances should he have been sent back to Russia. For that, I hope the mother is prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Her actions will very likely endanger thousands upon thousands of adoptions from Russia. How many children like my DD will rot in orphanages because she sent her child back in violation of all she agreed to in a Russian court? The Russians are very sensitive to slaps in the face like this and there is a faction in their government who look for any excuse to halt international adoptions. She has given them all the ammo they need. So, yes, I will pass judgment. I pass judgment on behalf of the thousands of children who may never find a home because of her reckless actions. There were other things she could have done short of putting that kid on a plane back to Russia. As for the "at least she didn't kill him" remarks.......Are you kidding me??????

I pray this does not halt Russian adoptions. God knows other countries have halted adoptions for far less. The children are the ones to suffer. I'll hug my child a little tighter today and as usual, thank God he blessed me with the chance to adopt a child from Russia. And I'll say a prayer for all the waiting parents who must now hope that they too will be able to get their precious children.

 

[CathrynRose]

As for the "at least she didn't kill him" remarks.......Are you kidding me??????
.

I'm floored at some of the comments in this thread. Truly floored.

My oldest son's best friend was adopted from Russia at about age 3/4. He had and continues to have problems, including one's with the law, as he is now 19. He actually just moved out from living with us for 8 months.

His parents did not do their best for *C* and it's a shame. He's a good child, with a good heart, and was not provided all the resources that could have been given to him. Did they send him back to Russia with a note? No. But they kicked him out - hence him living with us numerous times since my son befriended him 10 years ago. And IMO, they were crappy parents, too. That's their kid, be it adoption or natural. You don't give up on your child. Sick.

Once you adopt a child - they're yours. I don't care for this really blasé attitude of protecting her own family. That child *IS* her damn family, too! WTH???

It's bad enough there are threads on here about animal adoptions that also tend to have comments that go in this direction. But a child?? Really????

Just so gross. Really flipping disgusting and gross.

 

[Magic Mom]

:

Once you adopt a child - they're yours. I don't care for this really blasé attitude of protecting her own family. That child *IS* her damn family, too! WTH???

It's bad enough there are threads on here about animal adoptions that also tend to have comments that go in this direction. But a child?? Really????

Just so gross. Really flipping disgusting and gross.

I don't remember anyone saying she had to protect her OWN family, but she does have a responsibility to protect her other child. And if the boy was already abusing or threatening the life of the other child, then I can see how it would make her feel desperate. Did she handle it correctly? No. But that doesn't mean I can't try to see what place she was coming from.

 

[fkj2]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

The situation is very sad. My understanding is the child's biological parent(s) suffered from severe alcoholism. The child could have been born impaired. If child suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome, I'd think the upside is limited. But if the situation degraded so severely that this was her recourse, it must have been pretty awful.

The manner in which the adoptive mom handled this wasn't appropriate but we don't know fully the circumstances surrounding this story. Who knows how many sleepless nights the rest of the family had guarding themselves from this child? I recently began working at a counseling service, and it's pretty freaky to have a conversation with someone who tells you about the voices they "hear" and the things they "see," or with people who are unable to make eye contact with you during an interview. Some people are so angry and controlling, well, it's beyond anything I could have imagined. When you have to advise the parent of an adult child they need a plan (and a gun) to defend themselves that child suffering from mental illness and living under the same roof, it's a scary situation.

There's a situation that occurred in our area, and made the national news, of a (then) 10 y/o boy who allegedly shot his future stepmother, who was pregnant with his half-brother. The prosecution/court has decided to try him as an adult. I think he's 11 or 12 now. The psychiatrist's determination is that he cannot be rehabilitated.

It happens.

As an addenum, "getting help" for this child may have been difficult. States are overwhelmed, turning down applicants, and it's possible, adoption or not, the mom's insurance may deny coverage. Some of these psychotropic drugs run hundreds of dollars each month. And, mental health now is pretty much community based. Few hospital beds are available, at least in my area. When the beds are full, patients are turned away. Period. Mental health seems to be a patchwork system. It's a miracle there aren't more reported incidents.

 

[DawnCt1]

The situation is very sad. My understanding is the child's biological parent(s) suffered from severe alcoholism. The child could have been born impaired. If child suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome, I'd think the upside is limited. But if the situation degraded so severely that this was her recourse, it must have been pretty awful.

The manner in which the adoptive mom handled this wasn't appropriate but we don't know fully the circumstances surrounding this story. Who knows how many sleepless nights the rest of the family had guarding themselves from this child? I recently began working at a counseling service, and it's pretty freaky to have a conversation with someone who tells you about the voices they "hear" and the things they "see," or with people who are unable to make eye contact with you during an interview. Some people are so angry and controlling, well, it's beyond anything I could have imagined. When you have to advise the parent of an adult child they need a plan (and a gun) to defend themselves that child suffering from mental illness and living under the same roof, it's a scary situation.

There's a situation that occurred in our area, and made the national news, of a (then) 10 y/o boy who allegedly shot his future stepmother, who was pregnant with his half-brother. The prosecution/court has decided to try him as an adult. I think he's 11 or 12 now. The psychiatrist's determination is that he cannot be rehabilitated.

It happens.

As an addenum, "getting help" for this child may have been difficult. States are overwhelmed, turning down applicants, and it's possible, adoption or not, the mom's insurance may deny coverage. Some of these psychotropic drugs run hundreds of dollars each month. And, mental health now is pretty much community based. Few hospital beds are available, at least in my area. When the beds are full, patients are turned away. Period. Mental health seems to be a patchwork system. It's a miracle there aren't more reported incidents.

You have made some very excellent points. One thing that can't be ignored is that some things can't be fixed. Did she handle it the best way that she could? We really don't know what options she had.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Do we know if this woman is a registered nurse? I know I read that she's a "nurse," but in the media, that could mean a lot of things (e.g., LPN, medical assistant, PCA, etc.).

An RN would most likely receive medical benefits through her job that cover the rest of her family. The correct reaction to finding him trying to start a fire would be to take him to the Emergency Room for a behavioral health evaluation. Do we know if that's what she did?

What's damning to me is that she didn't have the child for very long. She adopted him in September and abandoned him when exactly? We are looking at months here, and in the realm of behavioral health, that's not much time for treatment.

The fact of the matter is that no child--biological or adopted--is guaranteed. Lots of parents wind up having to face caring for children with major health issues. There is no option of "returning" them like they are undesirable merchandise. I'd really like to see this woman charged with a crime and have it come out in trial what (if anything) she did to address this child's behavioral health problems.

 

[iwrbnd]

This is all so sad. I work in an agency for early intervention. We keep seeing a pattern of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and the inability for the child to feel remorse. This impedes all areas of development and is very hard to break through!

 

[Pigeon]

People certainly can and do relinquish parental rights to biological children.

 

[JerseyJanice]

People certainly can and do relinquish parental rights to biological children.

I am aware of that sad fact, but if you don't do it the right way, you can be charged with child abandonment, as this woman should be.

 

[DisneyFairytale]

Waw, that is horrible!

 

[handinpocket]

I am aware of that sad fact, but if you don't do it the right way, you can be charged with child abandonment, as this woman should be.

Without knowing the specifics of what happened, I don't think that is a fair statement to make. This child might have harmed her other child or something along those lines.